arhat

Hi, everyone! I've been drinking for 20 years. I don't do it day by day, but when I do drink, I drink to the point that I'm like being possessed by a demon. I'd flirt with all women I can find online; I'd lie my ass off to impress others. I was arrested for drinking in public last Novemember. I thought I learnt my lesson, so did my wife. But I still keep drinking secretly. Last night, she found me drinking vodka. This may be the last straw that breaks the camel's back.

I have a good life, driving good cars and living in a decent house. When not drinking, I consder myself a good person: loving my wife all the ways I can; treating everyone fairly and with respect; a law-abiding, tax-paying citizen... My wife loves me so, so much that she forgave me for so many times. Now I finally failed her.

Can my life go any lower? I wonder. I know I can quit drinking for good, cuz I feel I've hit my bottom. But I've lost all my credit with my wife, my family. Maybe I deserve to die.

Thanks for reading. Dunno what else to do but take it out.

Dee74

Hi arhat

One thing I found is I could always go lower...I didn't have a criminal record, I was never homeless....but my soul was dead, and getting deader....

I think a better definition of hitting bottom is that point when we decide it's time for a change.

Sounds like you're there - you'll find a lot of encouragement and understanding here

Welcome!
D

arhat

Thank you, Dee. How true it is that when looking inside, the soul is dead and deader. I wonder if there're any success stories here that the sinner finally win his/her family back. I'm eager to read those stories and find the strengh to ask for another chance. Many thanks for doing such a meaningful job helping desperate alcholics like me.

Dee74

I think there are those success stories for sure arhat.
I've been blessed to be able to mend a lot of broken relationships from my own life, for sure

D

Anna

My soul was dead too. That's what alcoholism does to us.

What you can do is stop drinking, work on recovering and hopefully your relationships can be mended. I am very blessed to have been able to do that. There is always hope.

Beetle53

You don't deserve to die! You deserve to live a happy and blessed life with full health and abundance. EVERYONE comes from somewhere! We all have a past. Maybe you can find a way to reconnect and rebuild your relationship. Therapy might be a good place to start. Trust is really important, but relationships can be saved and fences can be mended. Don't give up!

arhat

thank you, Dee, Anna, Beetle, for your warm words. i will go see a therapist. there might be some root cause for my drinking problem.

MarylandRick

Hi arhat, welcome. Like you I didn't suffer major legal or professional
consequences but alcohol still caused a lot of pain and while drinking caused me to lie and hide things from people dear to me. I didn't need to land homeless or in jail to reach my bottom. Here is my story I shared on my 1 year anniversary only a few weeks ago. Many others here have shared similar stories.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rrendered.html

MetalChick

Even in your short post I can see why your wife loves you. There is redemption.
Yes, you can sink lower, but let this be your wake up call. I can't even talk about my all time lows in this room- Yep , it is that bad!

I hid a lot of my drinking from my BF, but I think he already knew what was going on to a degree. I was not as slick as I thought.

One of my lows was opening beer cans in the bath tub under water so he could not hear them pop open... jeeze!

Look at it as a good thing that she busted you

keep posting and reading in SR!!!!!

arhat

marylandrick, just finished reading your touching story. it's warm and encouraging! yes, metalchick, it's a good thing i got busted. everytime i decided to get a drink, I struggled so much that I had to make all kinds excuses and convinced myself this would be the last time; and everytime i consumed the bottle, I felt so, so sorry. it's a vicous cycle which got to be broken.

Zebra1275

Welcome to SR!

I'm sure you feel awful now, but it's possible to go a lot lower. In a hole about 6 feet in the ground is where some people finally hit bottom.

I don't know of any magic words to say to your wife, you've probably lost her trust because of alcohol, and no matter what words you use, she's not going to believe you. There is no easy way out of this.

What you need to do, and what worked for me, is to take action. You need to show her through your actions, the new person you've become. And taking action is a lot harder than just making verbal promises (like the dozen's you've probably already made and broken in the past).

One way to take action is to get involved in a program of recovery, for me that was AA. For example, I left home in the middle of a nasty winter storm to attend an AA meeting. I missed the Super Bowl a couple of years in a row because I agreed to chair my usual Sunday night meeting. I skipped a BBQ dinner a couple of years ago to work on the steps with my sponsor. When my wife see's me doing stuff like this, plus a whole lot more, she knows I'm taking my recovery very seriously. My actions are better than any words I could come up with.

Just my 2 cents.

arhat

thank you, zebra. getting professional help is what I plan to do 1st thing tomorrow. i'll report my progress at SR.

Beetle53

@MetalChick- wow you really brought it back for me! I WAS sober for two years.. (currently on day 3 after a 4 year relapse..ugh.) But before that two year stint..I was a MESS! I hid vodka in a gutter that I could reach from my bedroom window.. I also hid it in the laundry... and on a rafter in my basement, in the dryer (NOT a good idea in hindsight)... my ex was kinda' short, and a bit lazy.. so hiding it up high or near cleaning supplies or appliances worked pretty well- certainly not forever though! But seriously, I was a mess back then, and a total EF up! Their IS redemption, no matter what. People will love you and accept you! Just keep putting one foot ahead of the other. Every day is another chance, and that's something to be grateful for- right? I hope you feel better!

tomsteve

i would call myself a success. i must say i didnt get sober to get anything back, though. i got sober out of pain. the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality. i was desperate. my so called friends didnt want me around because i was not a pleasant person when i drank. my family had absolutely no trust in me. the morning after my last drunk, my then fiance told me what i had done and said the night before, then siad,"get out!! get the mother **** out!!!!
i knew she meant it. even though i was a blackout drinker, i knew i had done and said the things she said i did and said. i wont go into details, but none of it was pleasant. i packed a bag and left.
that was when i admitted the problem in my life was alcohol. i had to do something. i thought about all the other times i had been in a predicament like this and what i had done then and knew none of that was gonna work. i narrowed my choices down to 2: go to AA or kill myself. i chose AA.
as stated, i didnt go to get anything back. i went out of complete desperation. i put in a lot of footwork. when i talked to my fiance i knew she didnt believe it. prolly thought i had other motives. when i talked to my sister a few eeeks in, i knew she didnt think i was serious( her and my brother in law had bailed me out of a lot of jambs). nobody believed it. why would they?? i was a liar, cheater, and a theif.
it took T.I.M.E. and footwork. i didnt have any expectations of anyone believing i was serious and workin at changing me.but as that T.I.M.E went on, i think people started seeing the change in me. when my brother in law told me, more than a year later, he was so glad i got sober, i knew there must be something changed in me. he didnt like me too much at th end of my drinking.
about a month ago, my neice and her husband bought a house. they actually wanted me to refinish the floors before they moved in! the man who started things, started drinking while doin them, then screwed em up, was wanted to do something like refinish their floors because they didnt trust anyone else( those were her exact words).
when i was down there, i took a break and my sister, bro in law, neice and her husband, and my other nephew were sittin outside shootin the breeze. my neice was listening to me talk about something( and i sure cant remember what it was). then she just broke in and said,"uncle tom, how long have you been sober now?"
"7 years"
"well, i dont know if i noticed it before, but you definately aint who you were, and that was a real *******. i am so glad you got sober"

then the stories of me drunk came up and we were able to laugh because we all knew i [Bwas[/B] insane.

i didnt get my fiance back, but i was able to make make amends and we are friends now.
i can also say today i dont blame one person for throwing me out of their lives. i was a very sick man.

but, one more time, the motive for getting sober wasnt to get my family back. it was to stop existing and start living.

MetalChick

Just one more thing. I am a believer in quitting for yourself. Yes, I wanted to stop putting my BF thought the chaos, but there were times when I flat out told him that I was not going to stop.. leave me if you want.. and I meant it. I loved my beer more than anything or anyone. For true.

I got to a point where it really did hurt more to drink then to not drink.

DayTrader

Dee's dead on. You'd be shocked at how much lower you can go. Nobody who's committed suicide (or attempted it) ....I'm betting..... made it his life's ambition to live a life so miserable that they figure taking their own life is the only viable option. And believe me, there's worse...... Nothing I can think of is as nasty as being completely dead mentally and spiritually.....but alive and kicking physically. It's like a living hell.

To emphasize another part of his post...... bottom is NOT standardized place. Everyone has a different threshold for pain. Some can go verrrry low and still be alright with it.

The funny thing about bottoms though, is that you only know where it WAS, not where it is. It's a hind-sight sort of thing. Good news though: bottoms are preceded by a decision - a decision to stop digging........to stop going lower......to CHANGE course. The decision, difficult as it is sometimes, is the easy part. The real work comes in actually carrying through with that decision - making the necessary changes. Lots of ppl decide.....many fewer, unfortunately, do what it takes to make that decision come into reality.

You have the option......decide AND change......or.....keep on doing what you're doing. Choose door #1!

arhat

tomsteve, thanks for sharing your story. what's lost is lost. but you did find yourself back. that's what truly matters.

yes, daytrader. enough is enough. decision must be made; action must be taken. i do have a choice to stop no matter how my wife will deal with me.

2granddaughters

I quit for myself ... but I couldn't quit by myself.

Please Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion", "How It Works" and 'The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous". See if you can identify with those documents.

All the best.

Bob R

IndaMiricale

Well it sure can , it can go as low as 6 feet under....

I went to some of those wonderful places that drinking can take you, homeless,jobless over and over. I even became sort of unemployable . Being a chef and the restaurant business loves to talk and network specially in fine dinning. My love, cars, soul, and health.

AA helps this alcoholic not live that way anymore. So after 20 plus years of drinking and drugging daily , I have a just what I need. Food, shelter, and most of all sobriety.

There are countless mircale's around, you can be one to.

MetalChick

TomSteve,

"the pain of getting drunk exceeded the pain of reality."

Amen to that!