1 Year ago today I surrendered.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 106
1 Year ago today I surrendered.
Exactly one year ago today I took my last drink. It's hard to believe that 365 days I ago, I could not go more than an hour or two without taking a drink or popping a valium before the tremors would begin. Alcohol brought me to my knees one year ago today and I am so grateful it did.
I had my first drink at age eleven or twelve, 25+ years ago. When I reached high school it became a more common occurrence. In my early teens, drinking was fun, something to do with friends on the weekends, a way to escape my insecurities and laugh away my fears. I was a normal kid, active in school and church, who loved to party on the weekends. I also learned at an early age that I had an exceptional tolerance to alcohol. I was a small kid and was very insecure about it, but I quickly learned I could hold my liquor and I began to define myself as a good drinker. I wasn't always the first pick for a school yard basketball or football game, but if it was something that involved speed drinking or tolerance, I was your man. Throughout high school I depended on this reputation, I loved being a drinker and I loved the way it made me feel.
I graduated high school and went to college where drinking seemed to be a rite of passage. College and I fit like a glove. I could drink the way I wanted to, without having to lie to my parents about where I was or what I was doing. I also began to suffer my first consequences as a result of my drinking. I was barely getting by in school, frequently felt crappy from drinking, and on a few occasions was on the bad end of a bar fight because my beer muscles weren't as big as I thought they were.
But somehow I scraped through college and I began working in the real world. Unlike college, I excelled in my career. I was young and ambitious and I loved the life of a young professional. Gone were chugging competitions and keg stands at the fraternity house, I had moved onto a more intellectual type of drinking, sipping wine and whiskey. I would frequent happy hours, where coworkers and I could escape the stresses of the daily grind and solve the world’s problems.
At 24 years old another consequence from drinking came though, my first and only DWI. I swore off drinking.......for about a week. I even think I celebrated the slap on the wrist I received by having a few drinks. I convinced myself I didn't have a problem, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Plus lots of people I knew had a DWI on their record.
I eventually settled down with a family to begin the next stage of my life. It's at this point; I began to notice I was drinking more frequently. Friends, who had also begun to settle down with families, had curbed their drinking but I had not. I still longed for the care free days of the past. Not only did I continue drinking, I began to drink more frequently and in greater quantities, as my body had built a tremendous tolerance. But my career was thriving, I had a wonderful family, and in addition to remembering fun times from the past, I was rewarding myself for success and hard work.
Then sometime around 6 or 7 years ago, at roughly 30, I began to notice changes in my health. I was gaining weight and no longer taking care of myself the way I always had. The ambitious young professional had become a lazy couch potato. More importantly, I had begun to feel the physical effects of alcohol dependence. I recognized withdrawals for what they were almost immediately, usually after a weekend of excessive drinking. I knew exactly what was happening and it scared me. The logical thing to do, especially knowing the history of alcoholism in my family, was to not drink again, but I told myself I could control it and I would just cut back. Within a week or two I found myself shaking and trembling again after another bender. This went on week after week, each time telling myself to cut back. True to form, I could not stop. Instead of eliminating something that was causing me so much pain, I continued to think I could control it. Even worse, I began to drink through my withdrawals. It became necessary for me to drink at times I never dreamed I would, especially at work. I saw no other way to ease the pain. It became so bad, I had to drink to be able to function and get through the day.
Sure....I would taper off a and feel 'normal' again after a few days but eventually I would find myself right back where I swore I'd never be again, drinking in the shower so I could hold my hand steady enough to shave. I could barely look at myself in the mirror on those days and when I did I didn't recognize the person looking back at me.
Somehow, I avoided legal troubles even though I drank and drove regularly. Somehow, I managed to hide this insidious disease from most of my family (with the exception of my wife who was disgusted with me). Somehow, I kept it from my employer and from my friends. I worked tirelessly trying to protect the image I wanted everyone to see. It was exhausting. This went on for 6 years. Drinking for fun had become a distant memory as alcoholism had gained complete control of me. I was a train wreck.
I tried on numerous occasions to quit but after a few weeks convinced myself I wasn't so bad, after all, I didn't live under a bridge. In no time I'd be miserable and once again at the mercy of alcohol.
As this is a progressive disease, I could no longer hide what I had become. Late July of last summer, after a weeklong bender, I'd confessed to my employer my troubles with alcohol; I thought for sure my career was over. My wife was ready to leave me and my family was begging me to stop. I was alone, scared and hopeless. I didn't want to die but I knew I would die from drinking if I continued. For 2 straight days I cried and begged for help.
Having run out of booze and at the urging of my family, I agreed to check into the hospital, at that instant I surrendered. The pain and withdrawal was still there, but the relief I felt was instantaneous. I was still scared, but laying in a hospital bed surrounded by my family I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew then that my higher power was there for me.
Having asked for help, I also became willing to listen. I went through a 2 week inpatient rehab where I was exposed to various recovery groups and methods. I chose to follow AA and the 12 step recovery program. As AA suggests, I did 90 meetings in 90 days, I got a home group, a sponsor, and I began working the steps. In doing so, not only have I not had a drink in 365 days, but I no longer even crave a drink. I continue to go to meetings though, I love them. I do this to keep my recovery my top priority and to help other still suffering alcoholics. Though I no longer crave a drink, I am still learning how to live without alcohol. I want to live life happy, joyous and free and I have found that by working the 12 steps, I can feel happy in even very adverse situations.
Most important in my recover has been acceptance that I can no longer drink safely. No matter what recovery plan you follow, the one common theme seems to be that none of us, if truly alcoholic, can ever drink safely again. Once I accepted this as a fact, not drinking became much easier. I also accepted that I couldn't do it alone and had to listen to those who walked before me. That's what has worked for me and I can honestly say my life is much better today than it was while I was drinking, even before my drinking had grabbed complete control of me. For that reason I am a grateful alcoholic.
Well, if you've made it this far thank you for reading and thank you SR for your support. I have enjoyed reading about all of your experience, strength and hope over the last year. Thanks again!
I had my first drink at age eleven or twelve, 25+ years ago. When I reached high school it became a more common occurrence. In my early teens, drinking was fun, something to do with friends on the weekends, a way to escape my insecurities and laugh away my fears. I was a normal kid, active in school and church, who loved to party on the weekends. I also learned at an early age that I had an exceptional tolerance to alcohol. I was a small kid and was very insecure about it, but I quickly learned I could hold my liquor and I began to define myself as a good drinker. I wasn't always the first pick for a school yard basketball or football game, but if it was something that involved speed drinking or tolerance, I was your man. Throughout high school I depended on this reputation, I loved being a drinker and I loved the way it made me feel.
I graduated high school and went to college where drinking seemed to be a rite of passage. College and I fit like a glove. I could drink the way I wanted to, without having to lie to my parents about where I was or what I was doing. I also began to suffer my first consequences as a result of my drinking. I was barely getting by in school, frequently felt crappy from drinking, and on a few occasions was on the bad end of a bar fight because my beer muscles weren't as big as I thought they were.
But somehow I scraped through college and I began working in the real world. Unlike college, I excelled in my career. I was young and ambitious and I loved the life of a young professional. Gone were chugging competitions and keg stands at the fraternity house, I had moved onto a more intellectual type of drinking, sipping wine and whiskey. I would frequent happy hours, where coworkers and I could escape the stresses of the daily grind and solve the world’s problems.
At 24 years old another consequence from drinking came though, my first and only DWI. I swore off drinking.......for about a week. I even think I celebrated the slap on the wrist I received by having a few drinks. I convinced myself I didn't have a problem, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Plus lots of people I knew had a DWI on their record.
I eventually settled down with a family to begin the next stage of my life. It's at this point; I began to notice I was drinking more frequently. Friends, who had also begun to settle down with families, had curbed their drinking but I had not. I still longed for the care free days of the past. Not only did I continue drinking, I began to drink more frequently and in greater quantities, as my body had built a tremendous tolerance. But my career was thriving, I had a wonderful family, and in addition to remembering fun times from the past, I was rewarding myself for success and hard work.
Then sometime around 6 or 7 years ago, at roughly 30, I began to notice changes in my health. I was gaining weight and no longer taking care of myself the way I always had. The ambitious young professional had become a lazy couch potato. More importantly, I had begun to feel the physical effects of alcohol dependence. I recognized withdrawals for what they were almost immediately, usually after a weekend of excessive drinking. I knew exactly what was happening and it scared me. The logical thing to do, especially knowing the history of alcoholism in my family, was to not drink again, but I told myself I could control it and I would just cut back. Within a week or two I found myself shaking and trembling again after another bender. This went on week after week, each time telling myself to cut back. True to form, I could not stop. Instead of eliminating something that was causing me so much pain, I continued to think I could control it. Even worse, I began to drink through my withdrawals. It became necessary for me to drink at times I never dreamed I would, especially at work. I saw no other way to ease the pain. It became so bad, I had to drink to be able to function and get through the day.
Sure....I would taper off a and feel 'normal' again after a few days but eventually I would find myself right back where I swore I'd never be again, drinking in the shower so I could hold my hand steady enough to shave. I could barely look at myself in the mirror on those days and when I did I didn't recognize the person looking back at me.
Somehow, I avoided legal troubles even though I drank and drove regularly. Somehow, I managed to hide this insidious disease from most of my family (with the exception of my wife who was disgusted with me). Somehow, I kept it from my employer and from my friends. I worked tirelessly trying to protect the image I wanted everyone to see. It was exhausting. This went on for 6 years. Drinking for fun had become a distant memory as alcoholism had gained complete control of me. I was a train wreck.
I tried on numerous occasions to quit but after a few weeks convinced myself I wasn't so bad, after all, I didn't live under a bridge. In no time I'd be miserable and once again at the mercy of alcohol.
As this is a progressive disease, I could no longer hide what I had become. Late July of last summer, after a weeklong bender, I'd confessed to my employer my troubles with alcohol; I thought for sure my career was over. My wife was ready to leave me and my family was begging me to stop. I was alone, scared and hopeless. I didn't want to die but I knew I would die from drinking if I continued. For 2 straight days I cried and begged for help.
Having run out of booze and at the urging of my family, I agreed to check into the hospital, at that instant I surrendered. The pain and withdrawal was still there, but the relief I felt was instantaneous. I was still scared, but laying in a hospital bed surrounded by my family I knew everything was going to be okay. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I knew then that my higher power was there for me.
Having asked for help, I also became willing to listen. I went through a 2 week inpatient rehab where I was exposed to various recovery groups and methods. I chose to follow AA and the 12 step recovery program. As AA suggests, I did 90 meetings in 90 days, I got a home group, a sponsor, and I began working the steps. In doing so, not only have I not had a drink in 365 days, but I no longer even crave a drink. I continue to go to meetings though, I love them. I do this to keep my recovery my top priority and to help other still suffering alcoholics. Though I no longer crave a drink, I am still learning how to live without alcohol. I want to live life happy, joyous and free and I have found that by working the 12 steps, I can feel happy in even very adverse situations.
Most important in my recover has been acceptance that I can no longer drink safely. No matter what recovery plan you follow, the one common theme seems to be that none of us, if truly alcoholic, can ever drink safely again. Once I accepted this as a fact, not drinking became much easier. I also accepted that I couldn't do it alone and had to listen to those who walked before me. That's what has worked for me and I can honestly say my life is much better today than it was while I was drinking, even before my drinking had grabbed complete control of me. For that reason I am a grateful alcoholic.
Well, if you've made it this far thank you for reading and thank you SR for your support. I have enjoyed reading about all of your experience, strength and hope over the last year. Thanks again!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 106
Thanks for the kind replies.
Right up to the very end, even with several years of drinking that 99.9% of the time caused excruciating physical pain, shame and guilt; I clung so hard to the 0.01% good times and to the way drinking USED to make me feel. I simply could not imagine life without alcohol even though it caused nothing but pain. Crazy.
Like most recovering addicts, I reached a point where the pain became unbearable. Thankfully for me that happened before I lost everything.
Once I knew I could no longer do it....AT ALL....it became much easier. Drinking is simply not an option for me.
Right up to the very end, even with several years of drinking that 99.9% of the time caused excruciating physical pain, shame and guilt; I clung so hard to the 0.01% good times and to the way drinking USED to make me feel. I simply could not imagine life without alcohol even though it caused nothing but pain. Crazy.
Like most recovering addicts, I reached a point where the pain became unbearable. Thankfully for me that happened before I lost everything.
Once I knew I could no longer do it....AT ALL....it became much easier. Drinking is simply not an option for me.
7
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by LoftyIdeals 
Rick...CONGRATS on a year! Thanks for sharing your story. Mine has a lot of similarities, and I'm only 2 weeks behind you on the year. Here's to your new life!
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