Devushka25

So i posted just the other day about my dad and my thinking that maybe it is either time to cut ties completely or maybe seek out contact again.

Well, I could not have predicted this! My mother just called me to say that my dad is in town again. Apparently, there's little work in the city 6 hours away he was living in (or he's burnt all his bridges) and he's now staying in some shabby motel down here with a friend, trying to get work again. If all works out, his girlfriend will be moving down here to be with him. I'M STUNNED! i havent seen or heard from him in about two years! and i'm pissed off too because he just showed up at my moms house after all this time like it was no big deal. she wasn't home but my younger brother was. im so mad that he thinks he would just have the right to come knocking on their door after all this time. my brother hasnt seen or talked to him for much longer than me and suffers from anxiety and social disorders (which i truly believe are a result of what we've dealt with with my dad). and he was all alone and basically defenseless when he opened that door and got the shock of a lifetime.

apparently he left really fast because it was "awkward" standing there trying to make small talk with my brother. then he phoned my mom later to tell her hes staying at some motel just 4 blocks from her house and that he wanted to come by to talk to her in person and bum some cigarettes. audacity!

it may be important to mention that my mom has been with someone else for almost 9 years now and they have two children together who have never met my dad before and only have the vaguest, most abstract idea of the fact that they and my brother and i do not share the same dad. i mean, they obviously know their dad isn't ours, but they've never seen ours, so i doubt at 8 and 4, that notion seemed really real. so how confusing for them.

my mom told my dad that shed talk to him but he wasnt coming into the house to which he responded, "i was already in your house." i guess my brother neglected to share this important piece of information with her. and no sooner than she gave in and said she would meet him outside the house, he was already knocking on her back patio door.

she gave him some cigarettes, heard him out, took down his number for my brother and i and sent him on his way. but she is seriously freaked out! she does not want him around her house or thinking he can show up like that. my stepdad is also mad as he's out of town and can't be there to sort of make his presence known. he expressed that he wants to reestablish contact with my brother and i and make things right if thats possible and were willing. i dont know what to think or do. just this week i was posting about how i either wanted to see him cause i miss him or tell him off and call it quits on him. its not often hes in town and i havent seen him in two years. part of me wants to see him asap because hes my dad and i love him and its been so long. the other part of me wants to throw up or something. i dont even know what ill say if i do call him......

my heads a mess. dont know what to do! advice please?!

Learn2Live

Take things slowly. Realize that if he is already bumming cigarettes from your mom he likely does not have anything in his life together. Try to think of him as not your dad. Keep your expectations low. Guard your heart. And go to Al-Anon to learn about yourself.

laurie6781

If I were you, I would wait.

I would wait to see if he does stay in town, and if he does get a job. Right now I
believe he would want to get in touch with me to see if he could hit me up for, yep,
some money, since he is already bumming cigarettes from your mother.

Instead I would find every Alanon meeting I could find and attend and listen, listen,

If sometime in the future, he does find a place to live and his 'girlfriend' comes down,
and he is establishing a life of his own, I might then consider talking to him by phone,
but only after I had sat down and planned out what I wanted to say, and what my
boundaries were.

You don't have to call him TODAY. You don't even have to call him tomorrow. Please
think about this very very carefully.

J M H O

Love and hugs,


listen.

Ann

My thoughts too are to just keep your distance and go about living your life...and surround yourself with support during this difficult time.

If your mom wants him to stay away, she can get a court order. I don't think I'd want him coming around talking to children when he is "wanting" anything.

My heart goes out for you, this must be hard, but remember that you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. It's okay to say no.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Oh dear. Addicts can be such insensitive flakes - they manipulate the people who love them so they can meet their own needs. It's pathological. It's not personal (although it feels like it). It's only natural that you would be upset over this.

Trust your gut. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he has improved much - bumming cigarettes from an ex is not a sign of personal growth or recovery. It's just not his time yet.

I know it's hard but the best thing to do is to wait it out. All you can control are your actions and your reactions so if you stay on the path you are on and do what's right for you and your future, this will pass and your life will stay on course.

Hugs to you, your mom and your brother. Sounds like you all could use one.

crazybabie

I agree with all the above on top of bumming from your mom he apparently doesn't care about any boundaries right now seriously just showing up, then calling and at the patio.

Please don't get your hopes up, find some meetings.