Long time lurker, first time poster,
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Long time lurker, first time poster,
Just wanted to thank you all for keeping me sane these last few months. If I had not been reading this board I think I might have drowned. I found out, gradually, that my husband of 19 years- the father of my 3 gorgeous kids has been a heroin addict for the last few years. I had suspected something was wrong for the entire time but kept finding other evidence that pointed to other reasons for his weird behaviour. In January I discovered a stash of opiate pills and asked him to leave, he didn't and went and got help while we went to couples counciling. He was lying and still using for most of that time and finally admitted to the heroin use a few months ago which lead to him detoxing. I supported him through the WD and stupidly thought we could move on and rebuild our lives. He then said he wanted to break up and blames me for everything, apparently I am angry and controlling and that is why he started using drugs! Yeah right! I'm not buying into his bs. A few weeks ago I told him he needed to move out so he's been couch surfing and is now trying to make me feel bad about it. I'm so over the blaming and manipulation, to tell the truth I'm quite relieved it's over. The kids and I can start to repair our lives after the chaos.
Right now he's trying to get me to move out of the house for a few days a week so that he has more time with the kids. I think it's a bad idea, I need my own space without him in it and the kids need to know I'm here. He had found a more permanent place to stay and I've said he can take the kids there for a weekend to see if they are ok with it. Am I doing the right thing? He says I'm stopping him from being involved with the kids even though he has been able to come over pretty much when he wants- I let him come and cook dinner and come and take them to school and take them out or be here with them. He doesn't ask that often. I want the kids to know their dad. Seriously this is so horrible, we discussed it this morning and it just deteriated into him blaming and getting angry.
Over it!
Right now he's trying to get me to move out of the house for a few days a week so that he has more time with the kids. I think it's a bad idea, I need my own space without him in it and the kids need to know I'm here. He had found a more permanent place to stay and I've said he can take the kids there for a weekend to see if they are ok with it. Am I doing the right thing? He says I'm stopping him from being involved with the kids even though he has been able to come over pretty much when he wants- I let him come and cook dinner and come and take them to school and take them out or be here with them. He doesn't ask that often. I want the kids to know their dad. Seriously this is so horrible, we discussed it this morning and it just deteriated into him blaming and getting angry.
Over it!
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
So sorry Sarah for your hurt. More people, another marriage, another family - all effected by addiction.
Is he still clean? Is he working a recovery program (it doesn't really sound it with the blaming)? I guess my decisions would depend on those answers.
I am glad you are not buying into his BS!!!
Is he still clean? Is he working a recovery program (it doesn't really sound it with the blaming)? I guess my decisions would depend on those answers.
I am glad you are not buying into his BS!!!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I would not move out of the house for ANY number of days until I spoke with an attorney. There is something called Abandonment or something like that, in divorce law. I don't know anything about it but you should get a consultation with a divorce attorney.
Heroin addicts make horrible parents and tend to live in horrible, non-child-friendly places, with people I would not want my children around. I personally would not allow him unsupervised visits. The attorney will help you with this, though.
You are right on about the blame and it has just made me sick to be the person who is being blamed for someone else's disgusting behavior.
Heroin addicts make horrible parents and tend to live in horrible, non-child-friendly places, with people I would not want my children around. I personally would not allow him unsupervised visits. The attorney will help you with this, though.
You are right on about the blame and it has just made me sick to be the person who is being blamed for someone else's disgusting behavior.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Herion is stopping him from having a relationship with his kids.
i wouldn't go anywhere, in fact, it's ridiculous.
At least he will have a couple of days a week to get high in a nice safe place.
You can be sure there is something behind it. Total power play.
i wouldn't go anywhere, in fact, it's ridiculous.
At least he will have a couple of days a week to get high in a nice safe place.
You can be sure there is something behind it. Total power play.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Does he hold down a job? Is he continuing to provide support for you? Do NOT move out of your house..You need to get legal advice asap. Drug addicts are not emotionally available to anyone, including their own children. I don't think your kids will be irreprably harmed by not seeing your H untill you get legal advice. Don't let him manipulate you into doing ANYTHING that makes you the least bit uncomfortable.
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
welcome and I'm glad that you've posted. It sounds like you've gone through a lot but have a whole lot of clarity about your situation.
I would not move out of my "space" for someone that broke the deal (I consider addiction a deal breaker). It sounds like you are being very accommodating already and there is no reason to agree to his insane request.
How old are your kids? Are you sure that he is safe for them to ride with and be alone with? I know that you want the kids to know their dad - but they already do. I think it's more important that they know that they are safe. You are the only shot they have right now and I'm glad that you are doing what you need to take care of you.
You are a smart cookie knowing that his accusations are a bunch of crap. He's just pulling out his weapons to try and blame you for something that is ONLY his fault and ONLY his responsibility. Still....I know how hard it is when this sort of stuff happens.
Again....welcome.....and I'm really glad that you are with us!
I would not move out of my "space" for someone that broke the deal (I consider addiction a deal breaker). It sounds like you are being very accommodating already and there is no reason to agree to his insane request.
How old are your kids? Are you sure that he is safe for them to ride with and be alone with? I know that you want the kids to know their dad - but they already do. I think it's more important that they know that they are safe. You are the only shot they have right now and I'm glad that you are doing what you need to take care of you.
You are a smart cookie knowing that his accusations are a bunch of crap. He's just pulling out his weapons to try and blame you for something that is ONLY his fault and ONLY his responsibility. Still....I know how hard it is when this sort of stuff happens.
Again....welcome.....and I'm really glad that you are with us!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Similar boat here, 18 years and 3 kids, doin his drugs behind my back for the last two. Do not under any circumstances move out of your home even for a few days. You have him righ now on abandonment. You stay put. I hold th primary residence for our kids and AH does not have an address. I am going for sole custody with supervised visits. I'm not giving an inch.
Stay strong! Glad you came out of Lurk mode! Welcome!
Stay strong! Glad you came out of Lurk mode! Welcome!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by FindingErica 
Similar boat here, 18 years and 3 kids, doin his drugs behind my back for the last two. Do not under any circumstances move out of your home even for a few days. You have him righ now on abandonment. You stay put. I hold th primary residence for our kids and AH does not have an address. I am going for sole custody with supervised visits. I'm not giving an inch.
Stay strong! Glad you came out of Lurk mode! Welcome!
Stay strong! Glad you came out of Lurk mode! Welcome!
I spent ALOT of time with my Romulan cloaking device ON before I
posted.Because of technical reasons,you have to decloak to post!
(just like the Romulans had to decloak to fire their weapons!)<<<<<<
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 77
that is terrible! i am so sorry to hear that!
i agree with some of the posters that maybe it would be best if you don't allow unsupervised visits until you get some legal advice or something. i am the child of a crack cocaine user. my dad didn't start till i was 10 years old, but even at that age, i picked up on the fact that there was something different and strange about him. i'm 26 now and i still remember vividly him disappearing when we'd go see him on weekends till 4 in the morning, taking my brother and i for rides in the car to go ask his "friends" for money and watching him get doors shut in his face, him pawning our game consoles, using the money my mom stupidly sent him for our christmas presents when we spent christmas with him one year on drugs and leaving us alone all night on christmas eve, stealing from our piggy banks, i could go on and on and on. you never forget that stuff and it continues to come back and haunt you years and years later. kids aren't stupid. they'll eavesdrop on all your phone conversations, even when you think you're talking quietly or think they're asleep, they'll put that information together with what they observe with him, and they'll figure it out but won't really be able to understand it because they're children. i wish my mom had never sent us to our dad's for unsupervised visits and had learned to be discreet when discussing these matters with other people (as in, kept it from us till we were old enough to understand, and maybe sugarcoated some sort of reason in the meantime). i grew up thinking she was "mean" (because of the things i'd hear her say about him) and feeling like i had to defend my dad against her. it distorted the way i viewed the whole situation and caused a lot of pain in the end that might've been avoided. that's just my advice based on my own experience. i'm by no means an expert though.
i agree with some of the posters that maybe it would be best if you don't allow unsupervised visits until you get some legal advice or something. i am the child of a crack cocaine user. my dad didn't start till i was 10 years old, but even at that age, i picked up on the fact that there was something different and strange about him. i'm 26 now and i still remember vividly him disappearing when we'd go see him on weekends till 4 in the morning, taking my brother and i for rides in the car to go ask his "friends" for money and watching him get doors shut in his face, him pawning our game consoles, using the money my mom stupidly sent him for our christmas presents when we spent christmas with him one year on drugs and leaving us alone all night on christmas eve, stealing from our piggy banks, i could go on and on and on. you never forget that stuff and it continues to come back and haunt you years and years later. kids aren't stupid. they'll eavesdrop on all your phone conversations, even when you think you're talking quietly or think they're asleep, they'll put that information together with what they observe with him, and they'll figure it out but won't really be able to understand it because they're children. i wish my mom had never sent us to our dad's for unsupervised visits and had learned to be discreet when discussing these matters with other people (as in, kept it from us till we were old enough to understand, and maybe sugarcoated some sort of reason in the meantime). i grew up thinking she was "mean" (because of the things i'd hear her say about him) and feeling like i had to defend my dad against her. it distorted the way i viewed the whole situation and caused a lot of pain in the end that might've been avoided. that's just my advice based on my own experience. i'm by no means an expert though.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Thanks for the support everyone, I'm feeling a bit better after venting and again now after reading your replies. To answer questions: he says he is clean and has been for two months now- he's still behaving like an ass though, and he holds down a good job. Unfortunately yet also fortunately for me I've been at home with kids for years and only started back at part-time work a few years ago. Since Feb he has only paid rent but no other bills or expenses. I know that I need to call the child support agency but ive been a bit head in the sand about it. I've really been feeling like I can't believe this is happening. We were a normal, fun, educated, middle class family and now...I'm married to a heroin addict?!! It's like my world has been turned upside down. We have enough money that he has been able to be a fairly highly functioning addict.
I think this morning's argument was really him bullying me to get what he wants- a feeling that everything is fine and normal and for him to feed his fantasy that he's a great dad. Not that he's a 'bad' dad really but geez, he's a drug addict so not terribly available and now that he's recovering (I hope) he's tired and moody.
I just wish that he'd leave me in peace, I'm doing well mostly when he's not around. I'm focussing on me and the kids, they're still young 8,10,13 and need a lot of support.
Coming here and reading that all the lying and all the crazy stuff and my reactions are entirely NORMAL addict/codependent scenarios and behaviours is very reassuring, it's really helped me to work out how to deal with this mess.
Thank you all again
I think this morning's argument was really him bullying me to get what he wants- a feeling that everything is fine and normal and for him to feed his fantasy that he's a great dad. Not that he's a 'bad' dad really but geez, he's a drug addict so not terribly available and now that he's recovering (I hope) he's tired and moody.
I just wish that he'd leave me in peace, I'm doing well mostly when he's not around. I'm focussing on me and the kids, they're still young 8,10,13 and need a lot of support.
Coming here and reading that all the lying and all the crazy stuff and my reactions are entirely NORMAL addict/codependent scenarios and behaviours is very reassuring, it's really helped me to work out how to deal with this mess.
Thank you all again
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 64
(((supersarah)))
So sorry for what you are going through. When I first found out my husband was an opiate addict I was 9months pregnant. I remember thinking "this cannot be happening" and that thought led me to believe more lies, lies he told me, lies I told myself. That this was a "bump" in the road, that he was in "recovery", that I could not trust my gut. Now I'm moving into a place of acceptance, this is happening, its not ideal but it WILL be ok. And from that place I more quickly am able to put the pieces together and decide what the next right thing to do is. It's when what you are desperately trying to tell yourself and what you are seeing don't match up that you feel confused and you question your feelings. Well, that's true for me anyway. So on that note, does he truly look and act and talk like someone in recovery or is his addiction still running the show here?
You are lightyears beyond where I was when I first arrived here, I hope you know how amazing you are.
So sorry for what you are going through. When I first found out my husband was an opiate addict I was 9months pregnant. I remember thinking "this cannot be happening" and that thought led me to believe more lies, lies he told me, lies I told myself. That this was a "bump" in the road, that he was in "recovery", that I could not trust my gut. Now I'm moving into a place of acceptance, this is happening, its not ideal but it WILL be ok. And from that place I more quickly am able to put the pieces together and decide what the next right thing to do is. It's when what you are desperately trying to tell yourself and what you are seeing don't match up that you feel confused and you question your feelings. Well, that's true for me anyway. So on that note, does he truly look and act and talk like someone in recovery or is his addiction still running the show here?
You are lightyears beyond where I was when I first arrived here, I hope you know how amazing you are.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by Supersarah
To answer questions: he says he is clean and has been for two months now- he's still behaving like an ass though, and he holds down a good job.
I've really been feeling like I can't believe this is happening. We were a normal, fun, educated, middle class family and now...I'm married to a heroin addict?!!
It's like my world has been turned upside down. We have enough money that he has been able to be a fairly highly functioning addict.
I've really been feeling like I can't believe this is happening. We were a normal, fun, educated, middle class family and now...I'm married to a heroin addict?!!
It's like my world has been turned upside down. We have enough money that he has been able to be a fairly highly functioning addict.
It is so hard to understand, how someone can throw out their family and life. Even though my AH is claiming to be clean for about 2 mo now, he still has the emotional mood swings of an addict and the manipulative behavior.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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Welcome to SR.....I'm glad that you have found the forum helpful thus far and hope that you continue to participate. Your journey may help someone else.
"Clean" and "recovery" are two very separate things. Both are moves in a positive direction but I believe that one without the other is an incomplete scenario. There are so many behaviors associated with addiction and those behaviors need realignment. ANY program that helps an addict recognize and correct those behaviors is important.
Addicts love to manipulate us into discomfort. We react to relieve our own discomfort. And often, our reaction is inappropriate. It feeds into the outcome desired by the addict. When I feel uncomfortable in ANY situation now (whether the addict is involved or not), I have to stop and give careful consideration to my actions. If I am reacting out of fear, anger, pity, obligation, guilt or any other emotion that causes me personal discomfort, I need to stop and figure out what is going on before doing or saying anything.
Take care of you and those children.
gentle hugs
ke
"Clean" and "recovery" are two very separate things. Both are moves in a positive direction but I believe that one without the other is an incomplete scenario. There are so many behaviors associated with addiction and those behaviors need realignment. ANY program that helps an addict recognize and correct those behaviors is important.
Addicts love to manipulate us into discomfort. We react to relieve our own discomfort. And often, our reaction is inappropriate. It feeds into the outcome desired by the addict. When I feel uncomfortable in ANY situation now (whether the addict is involved or not), I have to stop and give careful consideration to my actions. If I am reacting out of fear, anger, pity, obligation, guilt or any other emotion that causes me personal discomfort, I need to stop and figure out what is going on before doing or saying anything.
Take care of you and those children.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by FindingErica
I think we are married to the same person.
It is so hard to understand, how someone can throw out their family and life. Even though my AH is claiming to be clean for about 2 mo now, he still has the emotional mood swings of an addict and the manipulative behavior.
It is so hard to understand, how someone can throw out their family and life. Even though my AH is claiming to be clean for about 2 mo now, he still has the emotional mood swings of an addict and the manipulative behavior.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by outtolunch
Opiate/opioid addicts need their next fix like we need our next breath. It's not personal. It sure does feel that way, though.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so glad you shared your story, SuperSarah, painful as it is. I am quite new here as well, but feel so supported personally by all these lovely folks. I can't add too much more without repeating what great advice others have given, but I will say, keep coming back to your original post and read and reread all the replies until they are part of your own well of strength to thrive and live as happily as you can during this difficult time. Every day I find things here that help me get through a feeling, a crisis, a sad day. So glad you introduced yourself. Hug those beautiful children. Don't despair. Keep your ground and stay in your home!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
Opiate/opioid addicts need their next fix like we need our next breath. It's not personal. It sure does feel that way, though.
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