New to this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
New to this
I stumbled upon SR while searching the internet for support for myself and my parents. In May I found out that my 37 yr. old brother has been a drug addict for 20 years. I cannot begin to describe the guilt I feel for not knowing what was going on all these years. I still wouldn't know if my brother had not decided to use bath salts and threaten his roommate who then called the police. He was transported to the hospital and put in the behavioral health unit.
Since then my brother has been hospitalized a 2nd time after wandering down the road after midnight and being struck by a motorcycle. Fortunately his only injuries were a fractured arm and leg, and the motorcyle driver was unharmed.
My brother has been financially enabled by my parents for years. He has a son, my nephew (8yrs old), and has used him to manipulate the situation. My parents have paid his mortgage, his bills, etc. all because he spent his money on drugs.
Besides the guilt, I am so angry about being kept in the dark about his substance abuse. I have since found out that my parents knew that my brother had "experimented" with drugs several times over the years, but I was never told. I know that they were in denial and didn't want to believe that he was using drugs, but I had a right to know. I am married and have a daughter who loves her uncle dearly. Had I known about the drugs she would never have been allowed around my brother.
Since all hell broke loose in May, my brother has moved in with my parents. My 78 year old father has spent weeks fixing up the home that my brother owns in order to rent it out so that the mortgage can be paid. My parents have said they refuse to pay the mortgage anymore. My brother acts as though he is doing my parents a favor by renting it out so they don't have to pay the mortgage, and told me that they should have let it go into foreclosure years ago. Really??????
My brother has been attending outpatient treatment and has continued to use prescription narcotics while living with my parents. Once again, I only found out when I went to their house and saw that my brother's pupils were as big as softballs and he kept spacing out which made a conversation with him impossible. When I told my parents about my concerns, my dad told me that I was probably right, and then told me about his trips to the doctor and ER seeking pain killers for the leg that was fractured in the accident 6 weeks earlier.
My brother left for a 28 day inpatient treatment program on Monday. He told us that he did not want us to come to see him until he called us to say he was ready. He told me he was looking forward to going because he "need a break from Mom and Dad." Really????? I couldn't help myself, and told him that he shouldn't even be living with them, and that this whole situation is a result of his choices. He agreed, but then made excuses. He says he just needs the 28 days to get over the worst of the cravings. He isn't interested in exploring why he uses, and when I mentioned learning coping skills for life in order to help prevent a relapse, he blew that off too.
It is like my brother has become someone that I don't even know, or maybe I never knew him to begin with. My gut tells me that he is going to rehab for the wrong reasons. I fear that he will relapse in the not too distant future. My dad is ready to write him completely out of his life and my mom is devestated. My brother told me that right now the addiction is more important than me, my parents, or anyone else in his life. He told me that his son, whom he has always claimed to love more than anything in the world, is on equal footing with the addiction. That statement broke my heart because my nephew worships his father, and to know that it is not reciprocated is sad beyond words. As difficult as that statement was to hear, it was probably the only honest thing he has said to me since May.
I apologize for the rambling, but any words of wisdom or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Since then my brother has been hospitalized a 2nd time after wandering down the road after midnight and being struck by a motorcycle. Fortunately his only injuries were a fractured arm and leg, and the motorcyle driver was unharmed.
My brother has been financially enabled by my parents for years. He has a son, my nephew (8yrs old), and has used him to manipulate the situation. My parents have paid his mortgage, his bills, etc. all because he spent his money on drugs.
Besides the guilt, I am so angry about being kept in the dark about his substance abuse. I have since found out that my parents knew that my brother had "experimented" with drugs several times over the years, but I was never told. I know that they were in denial and didn't want to believe that he was using drugs, but I had a right to know. I am married and have a daughter who loves her uncle dearly. Had I known about the drugs she would never have been allowed around my brother.
Since all hell broke loose in May, my brother has moved in with my parents. My 78 year old father has spent weeks fixing up the home that my brother owns in order to rent it out so that the mortgage can be paid. My parents have said they refuse to pay the mortgage anymore. My brother acts as though he is doing my parents a favor by renting it out so they don't have to pay the mortgage, and told me that they should have let it go into foreclosure years ago. Really??????
My brother has been attending outpatient treatment and has continued to use prescription narcotics while living with my parents. Once again, I only found out when I went to their house and saw that my brother's pupils were as big as softballs and he kept spacing out which made a conversation with him impossible. When I told my parents about my concerns, my dad told me that I was probably right, and then told me about his trips to the doctor and ER seeking pain killers for the leg that was fractured in the accident 6 weeks earlier.
My brother left for a 28 day inpatient treatment program on Monday. He told us that he did not want us to come to see him until he called us to say he was ready. He told me he was looking forward to going because he "need a break from Mom and Dad." Really????? I couldn't help myself, and told him that he shouldn't even be living with them, and that this whole situation is a result of his choices. He agreed, but then made excuses. He says he just needs the 28 days to get over the worst of the cravings. He isn't interested in exploring why he uses, and when I mentioned learning coping skills for life in order to help prevent a relapse, he blew that off too.
It is like my brother has become someone that I don't even know, or maybe I never knew him to begin with. My gut tells me that he is going to rehab for the wrong reasons. I fear that he will relapse in the not too distant future. My dad is ready to write him completely out of his life and my mom is devestated. My brother told me that right now the addiction is more important than me, my parents, or anyone else in his life. He told me that his son, whom he has always claimed to love more than anything in the world, is on equal footing with the addiction. That statement broke my heart because my nephew worships his father, and to know that it is not reciprocated is sad beyond words. As difficult as that statement was to hear, it was probably the only honest thing he has said to me since May.
I apologize for the rambling, but any words of wisdom or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR....I hope you find some answers here and comfort in knowing that there are so many others who understand how addiction affects an entire family.
The fact that your brother is voluntarily going to an inpatient program is good. It's a step in the right direction. I began my own recovery while my son was in an in patient program. My recovery is a recovery from codependence and enabling. I was very much like your parents....desperately trying to save my son's life (or so I thought) when in reality I was simply providing him what he needed to further entrench himself in addiction.
As always, suggested reading for you and your parents is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Getting into a program of recovery is helpful (there are many such as Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoDA, Families Anonymous, etc.). Understanding our own behaviors as they relate to addiction is as important as the addict's recovery. We can inadvertently undermine an addict's recovery with our own behaviors...always with the best of intentions. But whomever said that the road to hell was paved with good intentions......they were talking about codependent people.
I'm sorry that you and your family are having to deal with this dreadful disease. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
The fact that your brother is voluntarily going to an inpatient program is good. It's a step in the right direction. I began my own recovery while my son was in an in patient program. My recovery is a recovery from codependence and enabling. I was very much like your parents....desperately trying to save my son's life (or so I thought) when in reality I was simply providing him what he needed to further entrench himself in addiction.
As always, suggested reading for you and your parents is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Getting into a program of recovery is helpful (there are many such as Nar-Anon, Al-Anon, CoDA, Families Anonymous, etc.). Understanding our own behaviors as they relate to addiction is as important as the addict's recovery. We can inadvertently undermine an addict's recovery with our own behaviors...always with the best of intentions. But whomever said that the road to hell was paved with good intentions......they were talking about codependent people.
I'm sorry that you and your family are having to deal with this dreadful disease. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
You have no more control over your brother than you do your enabling parents.
Have you considered floating the idea that you and your parents attend Alanon to learn how to let go of guilt, enablementt and anger? It can't hurt.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.
You have no more control over your brother than you do your enabling parents.
Have you considered floating the idea that you and your parents attend Alanon to learn how to let go of guilt, enablementt and anger? It can't hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Dear SSHope,
No wrong reasons for entering treatment. We can make predictions about an individual's motivation, but these are educated guesses and nothing more. And there is no way to predict what happens when a person is in rehab--the whole point is healing and growth. So just because someone is not demonstrating all the hallmarks of what is considered high motivation is not something to spend any time wondering or worrying about.
As far as everything else, as others mentioned, support groups for you and your parents might be very helpful.
So sorry for your reasons for joining SR, but welcome. Lots of experience, strength, hope and wisdom here.
May you find peace in spite of the pain.
Blessings.
No wrong reasons for entering treatment. We can make predictions about an individual's motivation, but these are educated guesses and nothing more. And there is no way to predict what happens when a person is in rehab--the whole point is healing and growth. So just because someone is not demonstrating all the hallmarks of what is considered high motivation is not something to spend any time wondering or worrying about.
As far as everything else, as others mentioned, support groups for you and your parents might be very helpful.
So sorry for your reasons for joining SR, but welcome. Lots of experience, strength, hope and wisdom here.
May you find peace in spite of the pain.
Blessings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Hey SSHope, another sibling of an addict with a heavily enabling parent here. 
I know first hand how much your situation sucks, and how angry both the using and manipulating, as well as the constant enabling can make you. This place is a great first step in finding out how to deal with those emotions and replace them with more productive actions and responses that maintain your own sanity and health through this hell.
I'm sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
I know first hand how much your situation sucks, and how angry both the using and manipulating, as well as the constant enabling can make you. This place is a great first step in finding out how to deal with those emotions and replace them with more productive actions and responses that maintain your own sanity and health through this hell.
I'm sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but I'm glad you found us.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The eyes…
Opiates constrict the pupils…
Bath salts dilate at times it is hard to see the eye color … speed/coke/pot dilate the pupils…
For future reference no one is safe around anyone using bath salts, to much of a level of unpredictability…
Take some time to read around here.
Know that you can not control how your parents react to him, or enable him, only set your own boundaries and worry about how you are acting and reacting.
Know that the remark he me about his son didn’t have anything to do at all with his love for him, and that saying his addiction was more important than anything was the truth … if he is active in addiction, nothing will be as important as using, as the high to stop the screaming in your head … and to find recovery right in this moment nothing can be as important as working on that … he will no chance if he doesn’t put the addiction first and work on him, none at all.
Even the comment about letting the house go to foreclosure makes sense to me. I listened to a friend of mine talk of how he knew of his parents enabling, how he was very aware how to get them to give in, how he wished they would stop … how hard it was not to berate them when he needed a fix…
This will never make sense and the best and only thing you need to do is work on you, educate yourself, encourage your parents to get educated as well … see him as capable and never ever do anything for him he is capable of doing himself.
Opiates constrict the pupils…
Bath salts dilate at times it is hard to see the eye color … speed/coke/pot dilate the pupils…
For future reference no one is safe around anyone using bath salts, to much of a level of unpredictability…
Take some time to read around here.
Know that you can not control how your parents react to him, or enable him, only set your own boundaries and worry about how you are acting and reacting.
Know that the remark he me about his son didn’t have anything to do at all with his love for him, and that saying his addiction was more important than anything was the truth … if he is active in addiction, nothing will be as important as using, as the high to stop the screaming in your head … and to find recovery right in this moment nothing can be as important as working on that … he will no chance if he doesn’t put the addiction first and work on him, none at all.
Even the comment about letting the house go to foreclosure makes sense to me. I listened to a friend of mine talk of how he knew of his parents enabling, how he was very aware how to get them to give in, how he wished they would stop … how hard it was not to berate them when he needed a fix…
This will never make sense and the best and only thing you need to do is work on you, educate yourself, encourage your parents to get educated as well … see him as capable and never ever do anything for him he is capable of doing himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Maybe your brother will see the light while in rehab. It's possible. But no matter what he does, there is plenty you and your parents can do to make the situation better when he comes out of rehab.
See if you can encourage your parents to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon with you while your brother is in rehab. It would do all of you a world of good to start working on yourselves. Your parents are enablers, but maybe by attending a group they can come to see what they have been doing all along and change. If not, then you will have to let it go as you can only control yourself--change yourself. Get the help for your own sanity so you can learn a better way of relating to your addicted brother.
See if you can encourage your parents to go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon with you while your brother is in rehab. It would do all of you a world of good to start working on yourselves. Your parents are enablers, but maybe by attending a group they can come to see what they have been doing all along and change. If not, then you will have to let it go as you can only control yourself--change yourself. Get the help for your own sanity so you can learn a better way of relating to your addicted brother.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Welcome,
I am sooo sorry for what has brought you here, but very glad you found us.
For as long as you've known (since May) it sounds like your life w/brother, Mom & Dad has been pretty miserable . . . you can encourage Mom & Dad to go to AlAnon or NarAnon and we can encourage you to go to AlAnon and NarAnon, it really will help.
But if you decide the drama cannot be part of your life that is ok too. Mom, Dad and brother are all adults, capable of taking care of themselves.
I am sooo sorry for what has brought you here, but very glad you found us.
For as long as you've known (since May) it sounds like your life w/brother, Mom & Dad has been pretty miserable . . . you can encourage Mom & Dad to go to AlAnon or NarAnon and we can encourage you to go to AlAnon and NarAnon, it really will help.
But if you decide the drama cannot be part of your life that is ok too. Mom, Dad and brother are all adults, capable of taking care of themselves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Originally Posted by interrupted 
Hey SSHope, another sibling of an addict with a heavily enabling parent here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 6
my brother is an addict too...i'm sorry to hear you were kept in the dark but as someone who's had to see the **** show of addiction for the past 18 years (since i was an innocent 10 year old) i'd say you are pretty damn lucky to have been kept in the dark.
Im new to this thing too...hopefully we can all work through this crap together! Stay strong!!
Im new to this thing too...hopefully we can all work through this crap together! Stay strong!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 72
Thank you to everyone for the kind words of encouragement and your thoughts. After surfing through the forums, I have come to realize that in order to maintain my sanity I have to worry about my own actions, and not those of anyone else. I won't lie and say that will be easy, especially when it comes to my parents, but I know it is what I have to do. I have found a Nar-Anon meeting in my area that I plan on attending. I look forward to learning from those of you who are also living the nightmare of addiction. Thanks again!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
