Girlfriend won't admit a drink problem, is it me being paranoid?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
Girlfriend won't admit a drink problem, is it me being paranoid?
Hi all
i have a huge dilema.
My girlfriend on/off for 22 years has started drinking more and more.
i have my own house and moved her in with me 5 years ago to help her drink / party drug problem as it was destroying her. As friends do.
The first 6 months was hell, when she is sober she is the best girl in the world, kind, caring but with a drink she is pure evil, had my house oblects thrown, car windscreen smashed with her fist.
Things got better as she stopped drinking THEN about 2 years ago she started again, i have tried talking to her and she agrees to stop, until the next time .
Last year at my moms 60th birthday party she drank and again starts being abusive towards me, insulting and even head butted me making my nose bleed, ps i am 6ft 2" and 110 kilos built and not fat, i dont hit women,she is half my weight and lashes out at me with the drink inside her.
We got home and she took a overdose.
Next day she is very sorry and says she wont drink again, holiday in Egypt last year was bad, she would drink in the day,get nasty,spoilt my holiday, if she has a glass then she has to go all the way.
I try to talk but she says she has no problem.
If she has a sip of alcohol she has to get drunk
She will be the best girl in the day but now its got to the stage where she will go upstairs and drink until she falls asleep, this is at least 5 days a week now.
Last week i went upstairs, she was lying on the bed, i asked if she was ok? she starts crying, sorry ive been drinking.
I feel very sad..
I find empty bottles of vodka and wine around the house at times.
i said i cant cope with this and i asked she stop drinking for or i cant live with you.
She said fine i will move out at the end of the month, end of the month she said she will go to her friends, i agree.
When the end of the month came (July 2012) she asked can i stay an extra week? i agree.
Last wednesday she got drunk again but ran ourt of drink and came down saying she is going out and may not be back (to a girlfriends house who drinks)
I said im not happy with you wandering the streets as you are drunk and you need to address this problem, with this it kicked off she threw my dinner across the room, threw ornaments around the house, shouting insults so i asked her to get out, she flew into me so i opened the door and put her outside.
She called the police on me saying she is not going and said i assaulted her, i called my sister who came down, she is a friend of my girlfriend, when the police arrived my girlfriend ran upstairs and when she came down she had blood over her mouth and nose which was not there when she went up.
The police spoke to me and looked for marks on me, my sister explained there was no blood when she went upstairs.
The police check me out on the radio which was clean but when they checked my girlfriend there was a list of violent assaults over the years before she moved in with me.
They explained to her she must leave the house, i explained there was no need but they insisted, the police took her to her girlfriends.
She called the next day crying asking to be forgiven, i dont feel strong enough to deal with her problem, should i feel guilty in refusing to take her back and try to help.
Its been great in my house over the last week, no stress, no walking on eggshells, no smell of drink.
She is 2 people into 1, a fantastic loving girlfriend when sober to a evil monster when drinking.
I cant even take her for a social meal as i always live in fear, if she will start being abusive when drinking.
But she claims not to have a drinking problem??
HELP
i have a huge dilema.
My girlfriend on/off for 22 years has started drinking more and more.
i have my own house and moved her in with me 5 years ago to help her drink / party drug problem as it was destroying her. As friends do.
The first 6 months was hell, when she is sober she is the best girl in the world, kind, caring but with a drink she is pure evil, had my house oblects thrown, car windscreen smashed with her fist.
Things got better as she stopped drinking THEN about 2 years ago she started again, i have tried talking to her and she agrees to stop, until the next time .
Last year at my moms 60th birthday party she drank and again starts being abusive towards me, insulting and even head butted me making my nose bleed, ps i am 6ft 2" and 110 kilos built and not fat, i dont hit women,she is half my weight and lashes out at me with the drink inside her.
We got home and she took a overdose.
Next day she is very sorry and says she wont drink again, holiday in Egypt last year was bad, she would drink in the day,get nasty,spoilt my holiday, if she has a glass then she has to go all the way.
I try to talk but she says she has no problem.
If she has a sip of alcohol she has to get drunk
She will be the best girl in the day but now its got to the stage where she will go upstairs and drink until she falls asleep, this is at least 5 days a week now.
Last week i went upstairs, she was lying on the bed, i asked if she was ok? she starts crying, sorry ive been drinking.
I feel very sad..
I find empty bottles of vodka and wine around the house at times.
i said i cant cope with this and i asked she stop drinking for or i cant live with you.
She said fine i will move out at the end of the month, end of the month she said she will go to her friends, i agree.
When the end of the month came (July 2012) she asked can i stay an extra week? i agree.
Last wednesday she got drunk again but ran ourt of drink and came down saying she is going out and may not be back (to a girlfriends house who drinks)
I said im not happy with you wandering the streets as you are drunk and you need to address this problem, with this it kicked off she threw my dinner across the room, threw ornaments around the house, shouting insults so i asked her to get out, she flew into me so i opened the door and put her outside.
She called the police on me saying she is not going and said i assaulted her, i called my sister who came down, she is a friend of my girlfriend, when the police arrived my girlfriend ran upstairs and when she came down she had blood over her mouth and nose which was not there when she went up.
The police spoke to me and looked for marks on me, my sister explained there was no blood when she went upstairs.
The police check me out on the radio which was clean but when they checked my girlfriend there was a list of violent assaults over the years before she moved in with me.
They explained to her she must leave the house, i explained there was no need but they insisted, the police took her to her girlfriends.
She called the next day crying asking to be forgiven, i dont feel strong enough to deal with her problem, should i feel guilty in refusing to take her back and try to help.
Its been great in my house over the last week, no stress, no walking on eggshells, no smell of drink.
She is 2 people into 1, a fantastic loving girlfriend when sober to a evil monster when drinking.
I cant even take her for a social meal as i always live in fear, if she will start being abusive when drinking.
But she claims not to have a drinking problem??
HELP
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 5
Hugs to you. I cant give to much adivce as Im living with an A. But one thing I have learned from dealing with my A, is that usually they never do think they have a problem.
Have you asked her why she thinks she turns "evil" while drinking? Or atleast ask why she feels the need to throw things?
Id be curious to see how she responds.
Dont feel guilty about not taking her back in. Ive heard from here and other places that if you have to set a firm ultimatium. Say if you dont get help you can not live with me or be around me. And be firm to it. (If thats something you want)
Obviously this is all easier said than done or I wouldnt be in my situaiton either.
Maybe this will be the hump that broke the camels back?
Good luck to you.
Have you asked her why she thinks she turns "evil" while drinking? Or atleast ask why she feels the need to throw things?
Id be curious to see how she responds.
Dont feel guilty about not taking her back in. Ive heard from here and other places that if you have to set a firm ultimatium. Say if you dont get help you can not live with me or be around me. And be firm to it. (If thats something you want)
Obviously this is all easier said than done or I wouldnt be in my situaiton either.
Maybe this will be the hump that broke the camels back?
Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 101
For sure she has a problem! You're not paranoid!
I'm too new here to give you advice as im learning myself, im only just coming to terms with my partner being an alcoholic, but everything that you say to me is the same as my A... cant only have 1 drink, drink hidden round the house, changes when they have a drink.. holidays are always spoilt, fear of going out drinking in public with them... to name but a few.
This site is great, and anything you need to know... ask! There is a wealth of experience here.
I'm too new here to give you advice as im learning myself, im only just coming to terms with my partner being an alcoholic, but everything that you say to me is the same as my A... cant only have 1 drink, drink hidden round the house, changes when they have a drink.. holidays are always spoilt, fear of going out drinking in public with them... to name but a few.
This site is great, and anything you need to know... ask! There is a wealth of experience here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
[QUOTE
Its been great in my house over the last week, no stress, no walking on eggshells, no smell of drink.
[/QUOTE]
Why would you want to change with what you have now? Only she can help herself. It all comes down to choices and she has chosen alcohol.
Its been great in my house over the last week, no stress, no walking on eggshells, no smell of drink.
[/QUOTE]
Why would you want to change with what you have now? Only she can help herself. It all comes down to choices and she has chosen alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
yogibear1,
I am a recovering alcoholic, I was not known to get aggressive, except for the last night I drank.
It sounds as if your girlfriend has a very serious problem, but, that is her problem.
She is the one who has to deal with it, she is the one who cleans up the mess, until she says "I am an alcoholic, and I need help." you will continue to keep getting what you have been getting.
I am sorry that someone you have known for so long is so ill, but it is not your baggage to carry.
You must let her go completely. Live your life without eggshells and chaos. Live your life. Take care of yourself. Have you heard of AlAnon? It is a group like AA but they support the loved ones of addicted people, and you learn how to let go, detach from the madness of addiction.
I had to let go of my oldest son. He is addicted to heroin. Trying to save someone who does not want to be saved is a soul killer. I hope that by coming to this forum you will begin to learn how to live your best life.
Thank you for sharing,
Beth
:ghug3
I am a recovering alcoholic, I was not known to get aggressive, except for the last night I drank.
It sounds as if your girlfriend has a very serious problem, but, that is her problem.
She is the one who has to deal with it, she is the one who cleans up the mess, until she says "I am an alcoholic, and I need help." you will continue to keep getting what you have been getting.
I am sorry that someone you have known for so long is so ill, but it is not your baggage to carry.
You must let her go completely. Live your life without eggshells and chaos. Live your life. Take care of yourself. Have you heard of AlAnon? It is a group like AA but they support the loved ones of addicted people, and you learn how to let go, detach from the madness of addiction.
I had to let go of my oldest son. He is addicted to heroin. Trying to save someone who does not want to be saved is a soul killer. I hope that by coming to this forum you will begin to learn how to live your best life.
Thank you for sharing,
Beth
:ghug3
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
She called the next day crying asking to be forgiven, i dont feel strong enough to deal with her problem, should i feel guilty in refusing to take her back and try to help
ah my friend, 'twas never yours to fix. 5 years ago you moved her in to try and help her, save her from herself. and here you are five years later and the mess is bigger than ever. it's not your battle. she took advantage of what you tried to offer and has now turned against you as you continue to stand her way....move aside, let her be. if you can't bear to watch, then i suggest you do not. rest assured there IS tons of help available when SHE is ready....
ah my friend, 'twas never yours to fix. 5 years ago you moved her in to try and help her, save her from herself. and here you are five years later and the mess is bigger than ever. it's not your battle. she took advantage of what you tried to offer and has now turned against you as you continue to stand her way....move aside, let her be. if you can't bear to watch, then i suggest you do not. rest assured there IS tons of help available when SHE is ready....
http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/meetings/
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by anvilhead
ah my friend, 'twas never yours to fix. 5 years ago you moved her in to try and help her, save her from herself. and here you are five years later and the mess is bigger than ever. it's not your battle. she took advantage of what you tried to offer and has now turned against you as you continue to stand her way....move aside, let her be. if you can't bear to watch, then i suggest you do not. rest assured there IS tons of help available when SHE is ready....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
Thanks for the info
i have moved aside now, she is living with a friend who also likes to drink, a poor area about 3 miles from me, it makes me wonder how someone can choose the bottle over a family life, a nice house, it has opened my eyes how powerful and calling drink can be,i am shocked. I spoke to AA here and they said if you lend a hand to a A.. all they will do is pull you down. i must let her bottom out and hope she will admit and get help to the problem.
As with the drink making her abusive and violent they said "all drink does is amplify the persons personality, it does not make them violent"?
Thanks everyone for the sanity in this mad situation
i have moved aside now, she is living with a friend who also likes to drink, a poor area about 3 miles from me, it makes me wonder how someone can choose the bottle over a family life, a nice house, it has opened my eyes how powerful and calling drink can be,i am shocked. I spoke to AA here and they said if you lend a hand to a A.. all they will do is pull you down. i must let her bottom out and hope she will admit and get help to the problem.
As with the drink making her abusive and violent they said "all drink does is amplify the persons personality, it does not make them violent"?
Thanks everyone for the sanity in this mad situation
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by steve11694
Alcohol can and does amplify personality HOWEVER can also make a non violent person violent. It fries the brain
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
As with the drink making her abusive and violent they said "all drink does is amplify the persons personality, it does not make them violent.
From what i have seen i must agree
From what i have seen i must agree
Last edited by yogibear1; 08-09-2012 at 12:09 AM. Reason: extra
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It doesn't matter whether or not alcohol "makes" a person violent. Thinking about it, researching it, and debating it is just us trying to figure out if "the real person" is "a good person" or not. The alcoholic and their violent behavior IS the real person. Violent people are not "good" people. It is best to stay away from violent people. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable. When a person shows you who they are, BELIEVE them. Your eyes do not deceive you, but your denial and inability to accept the truth do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
True, it just gets confusing and sad when the 1 person has 2 personalities.
nice then nasty with a drink.
When i think of her i focus on the nasty side and not the angelic side which was 50/50
Thanks for the replies, it has really helped me with the facts.
nice then nasty with a drink.
When i think of her i focus on the nasty side and not the angelic side which was 50/50
Thanks for the replies, it has really helped me with the facts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by yogibear1
True, it just gets confusing and sad when the 1 person has 2 personalities.
nice then nasty with a drink.
When i think of her i focus on the nasty side and not the angelic side which was 50/50
Thanks for the replies, it has really helped me with the facts.
nice then nasty with a drink.
When i think of her i focus on the nasty side and not the angelic side which was 50/50
Thanks for the replies, it has really helped me with the facts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
Update.
Still living alone..
She has been ringing. texting saying how sorry she is and please forgive me etc,etc, she is missing the house and me, and yes i have a bad drink problem so i give her a number for AA to speak to them to which she agrees, im thinking thats the first step, great.
Upon clearing the house i find empty whisky bottles,wine bottles,vodka bottles and cans of beer.
She ask to come to the house to see the dog,i agree and i ask did you manage to make the call?
"No" she says, "i dont need to, i have not had a drink for 2 days so im no alcoholic"
She goes back home and i wonder why the hell i bothered to try and help again, sucker.
Still living alone..
She has been ringing. texting saying how sorry she is and please forgive me etc,etc, she is missing the house and me, and yes i have a bad drink problem so i give her a number for AA to speak to them to which she agrees, im thinking thats the first step, great.
Upon clearing the house i find empty whisky bottles,wine bottles,vodka bottles and cans of beer.
She ask to come to the house to see the dog,i agree and i ask did you manage to make the call?
"No" she says, "i dont need to, i have not had a drink for 2 days so im no alcoholic"
She goes back home and i wonder why the hell i bothered to try and help again, sucker.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm sorry she disappointed you again. Giving her the number to AA is all you can do. It's up to her to follow through. Perhaps it's best for you to just avoid any contact with her. Stop taking her calls, block her number if you can, and just move on. She isn't ready to truly admit she has a problem and there's nothing you can do or say to make her ready. Take care of yourself. You sound like one of the good guys and you definitely deserve better. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Welcome Yogi. I too am sorry for your situation, but can relate especially to the two-sided personality idea. Except that I finally accepted this is a whole person and it often related to the shame/guilt cycle, and really underneath is a sick person who can't control themselves. Her being violent is because she is violent, not because she is an alcoholic. Sad but true. You saw a side of her that probably isn't real - just used for manipulation to get you and others to continue to enable her.
I agree with Suki above that there is nothing more you can do; best to go live your own life and maybe be available for those nice women who are out there, waiting to meet a nice guy like you. If you are all wrapped up in a selfish alcoholic, you'll miss those opportunities.
Take good care,
~T
I agree with Suki above that there is nothing more you can do; best to go live your own life and maybe be available for those nice women who are out there, waiting to meet a nice guy like you. If you are all wrapped up in a selfish alcoholic, you'll miss those opportunities.
Take good care,
~T
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: glos uk
Posts: 11
Does it ever get easier??
Now its been a month and more and she keeps trying to play games, ie
keeps asking me if she can come see my dog,i keep saying im out or busy but she turns up.
I have tried again suggesting she call the aa for help and or advice then i will be happy to talk sometimes but she says she is controlling her drinking and can do it herself and dont need help, clearly she cant as when she calls i ignore them but sometimes i feel sorry for her and answer the phone and i can tell she has been drinking.
Now this just happened so i need some advice please.
She called me today to say she will be renting a room overlooking the back of my house, i pleaded to her not to as i will not be comfortable with you living on my doorstep, she replies "well i dont care what you think,i need to move on with my life"
i said its to close, she replied i dont care' she has been drinking...
I had to go to my Neighbor and explain what has gone on between us and give him the rundown which i felt very Embarrassed, he replied that he will not go ahead and rent the room to her as she told him we split up on good terms to which it was far from,
have i done the right thing or am i making a mess of it all??/
Now its been a month and more and she keeps trying to play games, ie
keeps asking me if she can come see my dog,i keep saying im out or busy but she turns up.
I have tried again suggesting she call the aa for help and or advice then i will be happy to talk sometimes but she says she is controlling her drinking and can do it herself and dont need help, clearly she cant as when she calls i ignore them but sometimes i feel sorry for her and answer the phone and i can tell she has been drinking.
Now this just happened so i need some advice please.
She called me today to say she will be renting a room overlooking the back of my house, i pleaded to her not to as i will not be comfortable with you living on my doorstep, she replies "well i dont care what you think,i need to move on with my life"
i said its to close, she replied i dont care' she has been drinking...
I had to go to my Neighbor and explain what has gone on between us and give him the rundown which i felt very Embarrassed, he replied that he will not go ahead and rent the room to her as she told him we split up on good terms to which it was far from,
have i done the right thing or am i making a mess of it all??/
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