SparkleKitty

My instinct says she was testing you. If she really wanted to move on with her life she wouldn't want such proximity.

yogibear1

Testing me?

Driving me mad more like..

I feel rotten for stopping her moving in on my doorstep but i dont want the hassle. am i wrong??

The owner of the house is telling her she cant move in tomorrow.
i will have to clear my garage out tomorrow and get my car inside or i reckon ill find the roof cut.

SparkleKitty

Isn't it more hassle if she moves in?

I meant testing your boundary. If she asks if she can visit the dog, I would tell her the truth next time instead of deflecting with an "I'm busy." When you say "I'm busy", she might be hearing, "Not now but maybe another time," so she has tacit permission to keep asking. Letting you know she was trying to rent an apartment so close is another way of testing how serious you are about staying apart. She could have moved in without announcing it first, but she chose to tell you and gauge your response.

Surely it is not the only available place in town. Surely it is not even the best place, the most affordable place. Surely it's ONLY real advantage is its proximity to you. She is a big girl and can find another place, so I wouldn't feel bad about talking to your neighbor, who, by the by, she also lied to in order to get the place originally.

Florence

Have you considered going no contact?

quillan68

I agree with the notion that she has no interest in moving on - she only wants to rent a place nearby to you so that she can continue to take advantage of your good and forgiving nature. You made the right choice by telling the landlord the real story - and the landlord is no doubt grateful to know it and avoid the potential headaches of having an active A for a tenant. If I were you, I would decide what boundaries you need to feel safe and communicate them and stick to them. She will continue to play games until you show her, by your actions, that you don't want to play anymore.

yogibear1

Thank you all again, i understand a little better now.

There are plenty of rooms to rent in my area also she said she has no money for a deposit but has recently got back from a holiday abroad, the second holiday this year.

Another sad incident was a letter dropped in my house from a pawn shop, she has pawned all the lovely gold i bought her over the years for £200, thousands of dollars worth.

I asked her for the slip so i can collect, no its her gold, how low will a A go.

This woman takes home about $2000 per month , had to pawn the gifts for £200, i asked her why, she said she needs a deposit and has just pawned the gold, the pawn shop told me it was pawned 6 months ago and not recent, more lies

they say the A must bottom out to realise they have a problem but what about the partner of the A.
Its hard.

webber1

Hi Yogi

I empathise for I had a similiar situation.

I think you need to get past the nicesober/ evil drunk part. What you have written there has been so many dealbreakers. A healthy person would not put up with it !

For what it is worth no contact is the only answer. Its hard but ill tell you now it will save your sanity. Do you honestly think shes the one person on this planet that can make you happy?

Its your choice... either put up with the AH or move on..

You deserve better you really do !

yogibear1

you are 100% right, it is what i need to do, i always have been a softie towards her and tried to hard to help her.
I thought i new a lot about life , my quote now is "I know one thing, that I know nothing"

thanks

yogibear1

Thought I would update on what's happened over the last 12 months so it may help someone else in the same situation.

She rents a small apartment about 1 mile from me and still does as I wont agree to her living back with me until I am 100% sure she ha no drink problem..

I have a friend at work who is a recovered alcoholic he now volunteers for Anon here in my town, he gave me some good help and he said when Jenny is ready for help it is available.
He told me lots of stories about himself as a alcoholic and it related to my problem.
He would go to a bar convincing himself he would just have the one, he would be ok but as soon as he had 1 drink he would go on and on until he was gone.
One drink changes the brains chemicals and he says its an illness.

He said when he had a bottle of drink he would feel sad as he knew he wanted more and a bottle is not enough

My ex started calling me to get back and she wants help with her drinking so my friend went to speak to her and a girl volunteer became her sponsor, I thought it was a start, she was collected by her sponsor and went to the meetings I thought , great.

After 4 meetings she did not touch a drop and admitted she has a problem, 2 months no drink !! I was impressed with her, here is the BUT....

She would then start to take anti depressants as the doctor suggested, she would take more than the prescribed dose to feel off her head I think.
I spoke to my friend who volunteers for the Anon he said it was another way of escaping reality and getting the high substituting it for alcohol.

She then stopped going to the meetings and started the secret drinking again. She would say she is over her problem and she can have a drink..

I find empty bottles everywhere again so its back to square one... I give up with her and cut all ties, I gave her the choice and she says she will not stop drinking.

You cant enter a 3 legged donkey in the grand national and expect them to win

So you cant help a alcoholic no matter what they say

thislonelygirl

Im taking a leap and assuming you wont marry her because of this
So then why date her???
Dump her. Youll be happier .
Sorry if its not what you wanted to hear but theres your solution

fluffyflea

[



She,s in denial Yogibear. She,s very sick.......Not your problem or responsibility,you need to take care of you. Have you tried Alanon meetings?

If you want to read about Co-Dependency.........Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie.





QUOTE=yogibear1;3523014]Hi all

i have a huge dilema.

My girlfriend on/off for 22 years has started drinking more and more.
i have my own house and moved her in with me 5 years ago to help her drink / party drug problem as it was destroying her. As friends do.

The first 6 months was hell, when she is sober she is the best girl in the world, kind, caring but with a drink she is pure evil, had my house oblects thrown, car windscreen smashed with her fist.

Things got better as she stopped drinking THEN about 2 years ago she started again, i have tried talking to her and she agrees to stop, until the next time .

Last year at my moms 60th birthday party she drank and again starts being abusive towards me, insulting and even head butted me making my nose bleed, ps i am 6ft 2" and 110 kilos built and not fat, i dont hit women,she is half my weight and lashes out at me with the drink inside her.

We got home and she took a overdose.
Next day she is very sorry and says she wont drink again, holiday in Egypt last year was bad, she would drink in the day,get nasty,spoilt my holiday, if she has a glass then she has to go all the way.

I try to talk but she says she has no problem.
If she has a sip of alcohol she has to get drunk

She will be the best girl in the day but now its got to the stage where she will go upstairs and drink until she falls asleep, this is at least 5 days a week now.

Last week i went upstairs, she was lying on the bed, i asked if she was ok? she starts crying, sorry ive been drinking.
I feel very sad..

I find empty bottles of vodka and wine around the house at times.

i said i cant cope with this and i asked she stop drinking for or i cant live with you.
She said fine i will move out at the end of the month, end of the month she said she will go to her friends, i agree.

When the end of the month came (July 2012) she asked can i stay an extra week? i agree.
Last wednesday she got drunk again but ran ourt of drink and came down saying she is going out and may not be back (to a girlfriends house who drinks)

I said im not happy with you wandering the streets as you are drunk and you need to address this problem, with this it kicked off she threw my dinner across the room, threw ornaments around the house, shouting insults so i asked her to get out, she flew into me so i opened the door and put her outside.

She called the police on me saying she is not going and said i assaulted her, i called my sister who came down, she is a friend of my girlfriend, when the police arrived my girlfriend ran upstairs and when she came down she had blood over her mouth and nose which was not there when she went up.
The police spoke to me and looked for marks on me, my sister explained there was no blood when she went upstairs.

The police check me out on the radio which was clean but when they checked my girlfriend there was a list of violent assaults over the years before she moved in with me.

They explained to her she must leave the house, i explained there was no need but they insisted, the police took her to her girlfriends.

She called the next day crying asking to be forgiven, i dont feel strong enough to deal with her problem, should i feel guilty in refusing to take her back and try to help.

Its been great in my house over the last week, no stress, no walking on eggshells, no smell of drink.

She is 2 people into 1, a fantastic loving girlfriend when sober to a evil monster when drinking.

I cant even take her for a social meal as i always live in fear, if she will start being abusive when drinking.

But she claims not to have a drinking problem??

HELP[/QUOTE]

atalose

Hi Yogi,

This site is very supportive, informative and filled with lots of insight about alcoholism and codependency. Our strength comes in learning as much as we can about addiction and behaviors of addicts.

I think rather than focusing on HER drinking, HER recovery or no recovery. You should be focusing on you and figure out why you stayed in such a poor relaitonship for as long as you did. Why you allowed such poor treatment to yourself.

22 years is a long time, you have established certain codependent patterns with her and her drinking issues, those patterns are hard to break but not impossible.

Much like the addict/alcoholic going to detox or rehab where they get the chance towards being clean/sober…………….you now have that chance to work through your codependency now that she is no longer present in your daily life.

You need to figure out all your why's, figure out what this person represented in your life, what security did she bring to you? How did she enhance your life, what benefit did YOU receive by her presents in your life. Until you are as much interested into your own why's as you are with her issues and ACCEPT that you have issues of your own that need your full attention…..nothing is going to change for you in your life.

She is an alcoholic, you don’t make her drink, you don’t cause her to drink and you can’t control her drinking. As you have learned nothing you can do or say is ever going to make her see she has a problem let alone truely seek help. .

But you have the opportunity right now today to seek help for yourself and work on your issues .

Working towards becoming healthy means leaving what is familiar stepping beyond those exit doors and voluntarily close them and to have the courage to stay with your own experience…..the ending of a relationship.

yogibear1

You are right in what you say.

I have been with her off on for a number of years since she was 18.

I suppose my problem is I always thought if it was me in a bad situation I would expect someone close to do the same for me.
It's only now I believe I must do right for myself .

Thanks for you real reply

Regards mark