Wayne444

I recently relapsed and am in the process of getting more help than I previously sought. I don't have the pride anymore that prevented me from totally admitting what a huge problem I have and have been to those I love. With that has come paralyzing shame and regret. Stabbing pain every minute of the day. I certainly don't want to forget what I've done but I worry this is paralyzing me from moving forward. Are there any suggestions for dealing with this, or is this just a gut-it-out thing?

You folks have been so helpful to me with my other requests for advice, so thank you so much for the other help.

2granddaughters

AA helped me, Wayne... may just be the ticket for you too.

All the best.

Bob R

MrsKing

Time makes those things easier, Wayne. I know that's not an easy answer... I know that where you are right now is not an easy place to be in... but over time I have learnt to accept my past and leave it where it is. We can only be who we are right now in this present moment... we can't change what we've done and we can't predict what we'll do in the future. We can only be as best as we can in this very moment. Whenever I find myself going down that old route of replaying the things I've done and said in the past that I regret I tell myself "you are you NOW, not then" (if that makes sense) and it helps... it may not right the wrongs, but it means that I can move on.

IndaMiricale

"I will not forget the past, nor shut the door on it" BB.

AA showed me the way to the freedom from those feelings. I sure didnt want to be a alcholoic but now I am proud of who I am.

Mark75

I, too, found the relief to my overwhelming shame in doing the step work in the 12 steps of AA... Seriously, and I had it bad..

Zee

Quote from my stepmum to me when I was in grovelling mode after sobriety.
"People are alot more forgiving than you think"
It made me feel a bit better, but shame will still niggle. Time is a great healer though.
Well, at least we are doing something about it and to make things better.
Yes, we did silly things, but we don't do them anymore!

lostdotty

I could not have put it better, I'm on day 7 and have spent the last seven days feeling exactly how you have explained.

I wish I could hit the fast forward button but maybe I need to live with these feelings for the near future to avoid drinking again.

Sending hugs your way x

nonblondechef

You can't pull water back upstream - you have to let it go. However, you can work towards assuring the water that flows under your bridge from here on out has been filtered by your continuing sobriety. Keep up the good work - you CAN do this!

Weasel1966

Wayne.... I have tremendous shame and guilt. I have learned from those here that they are truly a wasteful emotion. Does that help me? No. But it does give me a tool... Perspective I can work with. A way of looking at the shame when it is overpowering me.

I also have come to know I hurt and judge myself more than anyone. It sounds like you might be doing the same. I am not minimizing what you are going through but please do go a bit easier for a while.

Know this will wash over you today. Stay close to us on SR. And when the clouds part a bit Take a breath.

Keep posting...

Ken

bbthumper

In my experience, time does very little to relieve me of guilt, shame and remorse. Typically, what would happen is they would continue to eat me up until a drink sounded like a gret idead. I have found freedom from guilt, shame and remorse through the 12steps. When they creep in now, I have sure fire ways to be rid of them.

There are hundreds of promises in the Big Book of AA. One of the better known ones is that ?we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." That's not opinion. That is the xperience of many men and women who worked the 12 steps.

Good luck to you!

quitforme79

I'm right there with you Wayne....I actually was thinking today about how my cousin had bad behavior during a night of drinking and I wasn't angry with her (this was before i had a drinking problem too). She apologized and I let it go. So yeh, people really are more forgiving than we think and most times, we are the ones who don't forgive ourselves. I have done some really crappy things while drinking that I will hold onto forever. But as time passes, it does get easier. And I am hoping this time around that it will show me I can't drink. Not one freaking drop. Be gentle with yourself and I am sure you will work through these feelings. AA is a great place to hear other stories similar to yours. For me, it was like hearing someone else tell my story. Keep us posted.

Hevyn

Hi Wayne. I was consumed with guilt, remorse & regret, too. Every time I tried to come out of my fog, I'd put myself right back in it again - because I couldn't face the reality of things I'd said and done. I finally realized that my life would never get back on track until I forgave myself and reached out for the new life I still had in front of me.

I hurt and confused so many people towards the end of my drinking career. Yet once people saw me healing and changing, the memories they had of the drunk me began to fade. Today, no one brings up the bad things that happened - & sometimes I think I'm the only one who dwells on them. Be patient & kind to yourself, Wayne.

Wayne444

I have read each of these pieces of wisdom about 10 times today. They have helped get me through this day. This site and the people on it are so valuable. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger.

firestorm090

Having humility is totally different than feeling humiliated. It has taken tons of humilty and humiliation to finally put me on my knees instead of the bar stool. I now leave the humiliation to others, but hold tight the humilty I've learned, for I'm still just one drink away from a drunk, and hell is always waiting. Welcome to SR.

Anna

Wayne, you're not a stranger. We're all family here.

One thing I know for sure is that if you allow it, the shame and guilt will lead you back to drinking. It happened to me many times. Forgiving yourself will help your recovery.

Hevyn

Thank you for being part of us, Wayne. You've already made a valuable contribution that will help others.

IndaMiricale

Thats the great part of all this..... We might of never met we none of us have to, We all have trugged thru the crap.

So good to have you on the cool bus.

jobei

I find that the further I get from my last drink... the further away the chaos and suffering is.