OhBoy

I feel like I need a good slap in the face! I told AW that we should separate for a while. We have been no good to each other for quite some time & I don't want it to go any farther down that road. I also need a break from her disease & focus more on my codependent disease. She was hurt & angry. In the middle of it all I started to hear this voice saying:

"don't do it, it'll be fine, you can live with this!"

I started to back off the next day when we continued the discussion (me) saying we should focus on working on the marriage. That would be fine except I know there is no point in working on it if she is actively drinking or dry drunk. The drinking is such a small part compared to her alcoholic actions. She has been "moderating" & I know she feels like she is doing great but she acts exactly the same! So what does my codie voice start saying?

"You can live with this type of drinking! She's not blacking out as much, she's not going to go out & cheat on you! Maybe it will be tough, but it'll be easier than it was!"

Through all this I am SCREAMING "NOOOOOO!" I know better! I have learned too much. I CANNOT live with that active disease! But why does this voice make so much sense? It is lying to me! It is making me question whether I am just imagining her illness. Maybe I'm wrong, after all I'm not a doctor! Then I think of everything I have learned about the disease & how it was like it was written about her! Like someone gave her a checklist & she's going right down the line. When we talk, she is so black & white, condenses everything I say into a short sentence that makes me look like an ogar! Says I said hurtful things when all I said was the truth. I know people take things differently but it was so twisted the way she said it back to me. I know that is not how I said it!

But I know better, I know she is manipulating me even if she doesn't realize it. That F'n voice! I wish it would go away! Somebody slap me, throw water in my face, kick me in the @$$! I can't live with her disease anymore. I have been doing so well with alanon, a long way to go but making way more progress than I ever thought I could. Somebody please give me a big old SR slap!
OhBoy

GettingBy

Here ya go....




Feel better? Probably not.

Here's the deal... it's a process.

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

Trying to do any of it out of order (ie. action without true acceptance) and there won't be any following through.

The good news. You have AWARENESS!!! Cool. Focus on acceptance of that reality. Give yourself some time and patience. The situation didn't happen overnight and it sure as heck ain't going to resolve itself quickly!!

Tuffgirl

Yeah - no slapping here - just a reminder that you don't have to do make any major decisions RIGHT NOW. Funny thing is - when you are ready, you know it, and there won't be any voices in your head telling you differently.

When I left, I knew it was time. And each choice I have made since then, no matter how hard, has always felt right.

coffeeclouds

At least you recognized the voice as not healthy, so no slapping, just kudos!

Hang in there...

Katiekate

When dealing with all the issues around my xa, I had two voices, the logical, reasonalble, knowing voice that kept saying, RUN!

Then there was the manipulative, codie voice that said the exact same things your voice is, why?????

Because I felt like he needed me, that he would fall without me, that I could fix him, that eventually he would see it, he would see that I was RIGHT. LOL That would validate me, put me in control, then he would get sober, and then he would really need me, LOL We might even spend the rest of our lives together, happy OMG writing that just made me laugh. Meanwhile everything I said was up for argument, he reveled in telling me what an angry, crazy screwed up person I was. What will you do without me in your life. You are so abusive Katie lol.

Well, as far as I know, he is still drinking, still enjoying his life, still paying his bills, probably dating, and on a bad day, he is harrassing me on the phone, or sitting in his garage or on his deck, thinking about how evil and how wrong I did him, and drinking his ass off.

I DON'T MISS IT AT ALL.

Even yesterday , it came back, I just put the brakes on it, because I know how much happier and more peaceful I am. This dysfunctional voice is still with me, I am just better at stopping it in it's tracks, I have had enough was something I had to practice. You will get there, be nice to yourself.

No slap from me, just a gentle hug. Katie

OhBoy

Thanks for not slapping me! After I had time to reflect on it, I think that I was surprised that we were having a conversation on that level. Even though it was about separating, it was an emotional conversation. She has been emotionally unavailable for so long it knocked me off guard. And to be honest, after a while I was unavailable as well. We haven't had a real connection like that in a very long time & in a strange way it felt really good. I guess I have been so starved emotionally that even a connection about splitting up felt like I was loved. It has been a long time since I have felt anything like that I was thrilled to get the scraps. It was short lived anyway, it wasn't long before it was back to business as usual.

We went out to eat the other day & she commented that it was one of the nicest days she/we have had in a long time. At the time I couldn't agree or disagree. But by the time we left she was drunk & when we got home she passed out on the couch. So there it was again, feeling all alone. I'm glad she had a good day, but I wouldn't say it was for me. It reminded me how alone I am with her & how I don't want to live like that.

But on the plus side, I had a good time out on the deck playing with the dogs, enjoyed the barn swallows doing their bug ballet & even saw a rainbow! So I had a good rest of the day. They say you can start your day over at any point in the day & I picked a good time for mine to restart.

Carol Star

I remember being like this with my XAH. Recovery starts kicking in and you start to see differently. I started seeing it like it was- and not how I wanted it. I started getting a "bs" filter or something. Just like if 51% of them wants to drink they will drink- if 51% of us wants to stop being in it- we might stop . I would leave- go back- leave- go back......until one day I just couldn't do the merry-go-round anymore. I got off. Then I kept up the contact until one day I said -nope- not gonna do this to myself anymore. I had gotten to where the serenity prayer was working for me and my serenity is important. To thine own self be true. It takes what it takes as long as it takes. Whether you stay or go- or if they drink or not- it gets better with recovery.

Adventure

Wow, just wow. This post has me stunned and incredibly emotional at how well it describes so much of what I have gone through. Isn’t it incredible that we cling to anything, literally anthing they can throw our way to show that maybe, just maybe, somewhere buried deep inside they might give even the tiniest bit of a sh**. I am so familiar with having a “good rest of the day” – I have just never looked at it that way. Many, many times I have had peace and tranquillity after AH has passed out, and I have enjoyed my rest of the day. I know it’s sad that we have to think this way but these are the moments that keep us vaguely sane.

Thanks so much for this OhBoy. I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do for you, and to banish those crazy codie voices. I hope I do too!



Adventure

NYCDoglvr

Talking to an active alcoholic is about like trying to have a conversation with a cat. Helps to remember, alcoholics cling to their enablers because these people ensure their lives work while they live in booze.

It is what it is, it's not going to change. You're the only thing that will change.