changeschoices

So after breaking up with him about four months ago and refusing to talk to him on the phone, I agreed to talk to AXBF a few weeks ago. He said he had been dry for two months and was looking for a much better job and planned to move out of his brother's and get an apartment...and that he wanted to see me again and work things out. He knows I am dating someone. I also told him that I felt he really needs to go to AA and/or his addiction counselor and he seemed receptive, but after all I've been through, I didn't really think much about the whole conversation.

Of course, he relapsed massively a few days after that conversation, citing work stress and guilt over what he did to me when he was drinking. He said he feels his boss has a personal vendetta against him (he has been at this job a year). He also said he feels his brother and sister-in-law see him as a nuisance living there and he desperately needs to get out of there. In other words, he is not doing well, is not happy.

After that conversation, we have maintained friendly email contact, which I wanted to do since he has been paying me back regularly the money he owes me. Then today he emailed me and said that his boss has set up a surveillance camera right over his desk but that he knows it's fake/doesn't work because he had seen the camera ever since he started working there and it was just sitting on a windowsill, covered in dust.

I feel like he is totally nuts. I guess if he sees the camera newly mounted above his desk, it must really be there. But why the heck would his boss suddenly do that after a year?

I feel afraid. I feel that he is becoming completely unstable if his work is suddenly monitoring him. And then I ask myself if he is just lying to me to gain my sympathy--although he has not mentioned wanting to get back together with me since his relapse, probably because I just keep suggesting he go back to AA/his addictions counselor.

I know I have to just back away slowly from contact with him because I don't want him to get angry with me. He still owes me about $2K and I don't want to alienate him because I want him to keep paying me. I desperately need that money. But I feel very anxious.

Learn2Live

You do realize you are still sacrificing and harming yourself in order to get the addict to do what he is supposed to be doing in the first place, right?

changeschoices

I am frankly afraid of him. I want to get my money back with a minimum of stress and then block him from all contact. But even that I am afraid of doing. He is not the type to show up my house unexpectedly, as far as I know, but he did get physically violent when drunk. And I think he's become increasingly unstable since we broke up four months ago.

XXXXXXXXXX

How badly do you need the money? Is it worth continuing to communicate with someone who scares you and seems very paranoid/out of touch with reality.

When I think about all of the money I lost in my relationship (I sold my home and used the equity I had in it to help pay his debt, left with nearly nothing) It makes me sick, but in the end, things are replaceable and my freedom from chaos is worth it.

Stay safe.

ZiggyB

I wouldn't bother staying in touch with him, I understand you want your money back but if he has been violent and unstable in the past it isn't worth it. Just my 2 cents, I am glad my ex is out of my life permanently.

Learn2Live

Don't agree to see him in person then, please.

You don't actually have to read his emails, you know. You also could get a friend to read them for you and provide generic, friendly responses.

cangel2

You could always go to small claims and let the court collect the money on your behalf. Then you could cut contact all together!

Who knows if the camera is real or a paranoid illusion....it would be great if you could get yourself to a place where it didn't matter. Certainly has nothing to do with you....

I too walked away from a toxic relationship.....with a boat load of debt and tons of money never repaid. I was worth every penny I lost!!!

changeschoices

How is it that so many of us have been financially exploited by an alcoholic? Insane! At least I feel better knowing I wasn't the only one. I honestly can't believe I loaned him money, it's so unlike me. I haven't loaned anyone money since 1989!

Diva76

Count me in....
I can remember feeling the very same way about not wanting to get screwed out of a large sum of money...(btw, I lost WAY more than $2,000)
By no means am I minimizing the original poster's financial loss, however, after everything I went through with "Mr. Wonderful" I came to realize that NO amount of money is worth having to deal with someone (in my case) who had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, an untreated anxiety disorder, which he was self-medicating with alcohol) Oh, and the obesessive compulsive tendencies he had was no picnic to deal with either.....
Gosh, as much as I hate to admit this, there was actually a time where I thought this guy was healthy....
What was I thinking???
I know ALL about the paranoid behaviors...
That alone is EXHAUSTING to deal with....Stay around some like like that long enough and you'll begin to doubt your own judgement!

I left the relationship I am referring to in this post 4 years ago and I am still recovering from the financial devastation it created, however, wealth isn't just about money for me....
Spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I am far "richer" now than I was back then...

Remember, money is replacable....
Could it be that he's paying you back slowly in order to maintain some type of contact with you?
Only you can decide what's best for you, but if this guy's mental instablity has you feeling frightened, sometimes it's better just to cut your losses and move on....

With or without this money, you are going to be JUST FINE!!!!
I know it!!!!

All the best,


Diva 76

NYCDoglvr

Big mistake. Cut off all contact with him and get the money through Small Claims Court.