Happier

I've had my ups and dows over the last few years and am now on about day 9 (again). Something that always frustrate me is that I do not seem to be able to enjoy settings where most others are drinking. It isn't that I feel tempted or that I am afraid that I will drink (I won't), it just isn't an enjoyable environment for me. I don't think so, but maybe deep down inside, I am just resentful that I can't drink ?? Whatever the reason, this is causing stress for my wife and me. She has never had and issue with drinking and can have her 2 glasses of wine and be just fine. I should be fine with my soda but it becomes obvious that I am not really enjoying myself and I hate to be the "party pooper".

Unfortunately we have lots of family and friends that drink. Most get togethers seem focused around it. I really need to learn how to make this work as giving up all of these people and functions really would be tough on my wife. I don't see that as an option at this point.


Has anyone else experienced this or have any tips about how to be sober without isolating everyone and without missing out on so many events?

Thanks!

dancinggirl

If you need to give those events up, do so! It's early days for you! Nothing is more important than keeping your sobriety...not your wife, not your family, not any social gathering. Fact is, if you don't keep your sobriety, you could very well lose all of those things completely, in the end.
xo

TorontoGuy28

I stayed away from all events for good 90 days, had to do what's best for me.

Now I enjoy all events, patios, birthday parties, BBQ's etc... No sweat !

Also, I realized that not many people drink like I did.... People have 1 or 3 drinks, that's it.. Nobody goes nuts like I used to... I remember being in shock that a couple having dinner beside us did not finish their bottle of wine at dinner, and decided to save for the next night's dinner (it was a cruise, you were allowed)... The old me would easily go through 2 bottles, followed by other post dinner drinks.

bbthumper

I learned quickly that I couldn't hide from alcohol. I had to learn to live with it around me. Through AA I got free of all of that. I can go anywhere where alcohol is served as long as my motives are right. In other words I dont go hang out in bars to get a taste of what it used to be like or as the Big Book says "steal some vicarious pleasure."

Bottom line as I see it is if we treat our real problems we can live a happy, fun and useful life regardless of whether we are around alcohol or not.

Are you involved in a recovery program?

Mark75

Well, that was the case for me. I certainly don't seek out drinking situations, and still avoid them unless... I have a good reason to be there... I am OK with them as long as people aren't slurring, stumbling and acting like @ssholes, which in my age group, thankfully, is not as common... people who drink that heavily for a long time usually end up dying, arrested or... LOL, recovered.

That resentful thing, that went deep for me, it was not always what it seemed, I am still unraveling some of it.

It's not just about not drinking. Maybe you know that, now? What are you gonna do about it?

jobei

I find it to be pretty damn boring being in a situation where alcohol is the key factor. Conversations tend to be repetitive and not very interesting... a lot of "laughing at one's own jokes" going on and whatnot. I think that going to a baseball game or a club with food/live music is more my thing because there are other things to focus on... even if there's alcohol around.

gordano

My family is the same way - family functions are defined by drinking (sometimes heavily). I can't stand being around drunks anymore because its just repulsive to me now that I am sober. Instead, I just hang out with the children. I keep them entertained, while they keep me sober. I love creating games to play with the kids, and being a kid myself again!

Edwon

I hear you HAPPIER. I am a pro musician and basically MUST go to bars to earn a living. I don't like the scene and am amazed at the folks around me that are drinking... (was I REALLY like that???) I love the Music and the Dancing. FUN!! The device I use to stay sane and thereby Sober in places or situations like that is, "Surrender to the Concept". Two definitions first, "Surrender" is like... Playing a game of Chess and getting my butt so thoroughly kicked that all I have left is a couple of game pieces and my King. Instead of playing the game out to the death of me, I lay down my King... Surrendering to that fact that I have had enough, and that this situation cannot be won. "Concept" is a generic term for a Person, Place, Thing, Situation, Idea or Whatever that I have no Power or Control over. I have had to practice the Surrender over and over in order to get it that life is no longer like it was, and I have to be different in order to stay alive. Dude, do you have a Sponsor? Are you In the rooms of AA? In the fuzzy days of new sobriety it is hard to discern what is "Fun" and what is just doing the "same ol' same ol'", and expecting different results. No matter what, you get a real choice, as long as you don't pick up. For me, having a Sponsor, a real, live Audio/Visual, 3D, meat and bone Sponsor to bounce my ideas off of was absolutely necessary. (Still is!) Oh.. "Surrender to the Concept" is the same as Acceptance...(SHH.. Don't tell nobody)... Letting Go, Surrender, Acceptance are the keys to having FUN in sobriety. Rock On!

IndaMiricale

Well put, I right with you Mark.

saraylah

Well if you know you won't drink around the others who are drinking and you want to go out with your wife I would say go. It takes time to get used to having fun without drinking and everyone around you is. I am sober for three years now and I am barely getting to where I go around people who drink , and it still isn't much fun for me to be around people who are intoxicated or even JOLLY because of a drink. I opt for different fun things to do now like going to the movies, going to a game room, going running, renting a movie and watching at home- comedy. Teach yourself how to laugh without drinking by renting comedy shows or comedy movies. You will eventually realize that drinking is not all that important. You may miss it right now but once you learn to laugh and learn that you can laugh without alcohol everything will be ok. And you will also realize that hanging out with people who drink and get drunk are not that fun to be around anyway. Good luck to you and your wife. Hugs to you.

tomsteve

are these get togethers the only thing ya'll do for fun? if so, you may want ot open up and look at other activities you and your wife can enjoy together. it is also important to have activities that are done seperately.

least

To me, there's not much more boring than a bunch of drunks.

DarkDays

Yes you can have fun ! But I have found as in my last couple of events where I was surrounded by boozefiends that a couple of hours is enough, then just slip off into the darkness But I laughed and acted as crazy as the drinkers whilst I was there, after a couple of hours you can see the transformation and it then becomes a bit repetitive and dull.

Dee74

I found I got incredibly bored by people drinking and after a while I realised I'd always been bored by people drinking...a lot of the time I used to be social simply for the booze.

Now I'm not so social - I've accepted that's me....I have a small group of core friends and we do stuff together...it's all very small and low key but nice....and noones thinking about their next beer

Maybe, like Tom, says you need to think outside the box a little and think of other social situations to be in ...they're out there

D

Happier

Thanks so much for the input. Appreciate and value all of it. Edwon's and Sarayla's words really struck home.
Appreciate the time and thought that everyone put into this for me. I will work on it and have new hope that things will get better in these situations.

Dee74

btw...welcome to SR Edwon

D

serious

it has always been that i can have plenty of fun without drinking. i guess i am sort of lucky to be a positive person and when i feel happy i have no problem being around those that drink. always felt proud to refuse drinks and thought about the next day and feeling great (even before i've realized how much of a problem i had). i would always have short breaks (sometimes a few weeks) where i would be out and about having fun without drinking.
what really did me in eventually was drinking when i felt bad. it would turn into massive anxiety and feeling much worse, which promoted more drinking.

some people who rarely see me, maybe when i would be out during a vacation, were so used to seeing me drunk and acting silly/stupid (class clown?) ... that when they saw me sober, i'd get comments like "you are not the same sober, kinda more fun when you are drunk"...
it bothered me a bit sometimes. until i realized:
1. yeah, glad that you are all happy at my expense of being dumb and drunk and eventually feeling like crap.
2. well, you are drinking and you are still pretty boring and comments like that only prove my opinion.

obviously, i'd never say that... just shrug it off and move on to have a conversation with someone more rational.

rs2

Happier:

I'm at a year sober and I'm finding that I dont really enjoy events where everyone is drinking. I seem to get bored and lack the desire for small talk and socializing. I'm also about to turn 50, so I dont know if maybe my growing older has anything to do with this or not.

Like you, I'm not tempted being around drinking and that environment. About 99% of our socializing involves alcohol. I found that I was embarrassed at first to not order a drink, but slowly overcame that issue.

Notmyrealname

I have hung at the bar with friends and had a decent time, it ends up being about enjoying the people now, though, whereas I used to go to enjoy the drinking. If you are still lamenting not drinking or feeling envy for the drinkers you're probably better off if you don't put yourself in that environment.

My friends weren't getting sloppy drunk, either, I would not sit through that--I don't have any desire to babysit adults.

NoFireWater

I think hanging out and drinking isn't really as fun as we fondly remember it. I work at a bar, and now that I'm observing everything sober,a lot of the drinkers aren't really having true fun. They're just catching a good buzz and talking to whoever is sitting next to them. Some people are having fun, singing along to the jukebox,etc. but they don't have to be drinking to do that.

I do think that when you're buzzed you find things funnier than you might if you were sober, but I'm also finding I appreciate things sober that I wouldn't have valued while drinking-important things. I like remembering the fun that I do have

Maybe you can strike a happy medium with your wife and attend the functions but not stay the whole night. Do things with her that don't involve drinking as a switch too. Fun "action activities" that give you something to talk about and do at the same time. Bowling? Amusement park? Join a pool or gym?