ARealLady

Good evening!

Some of you might remember me from a few years' back. Now and then over the intervening years I have come here to read and these boards give me strength. I need you again.

I have been involved with a new man (retired teacher) for the past 8 months or so. I like him! We have many things in common including background, upbringing, values, beliefs.

We've just returned from a 2 week camping holiday together during which he purchased and drank three to four beers most evenings plus a glass of wine (or two) with dinner. I would usually join him in one beer and half a glass of wine.

This was the first time I had experienced this behaviour with him and I found it made me very uncomfortable....quite similar to how I felt with exABF of 5 years ago. He and I do not live in the same town and generally see each other every other weekend on "my turf" where we sometimes don't drink anything.

What I am wondering now, of course, is if this very decent man is a secret drinker and managed to keep it from me until he couldn't during a longer stretch of time together.

He is normally very careful with money (not stingy though) and I was also surprised that he would throw money away on alcohol.

I would be interested in your comments and also want to know if I should talk to him about my concerns. Naturally, I know I can't make him stop but deep down this could be a deal breaker for me.

Bluebonnet1

Maybe he did see it as "vacation" behavior, I.e. an opportunity to cut loose? Although it does sound excessive if you typically don't drink together. If it bothered you, absolutely bring it up. If he cares about you, I'm sure he won't do anything to make you uncomfortable, and probably didn't realize since this was your first extended time away together. Good job paying attention to a red flag and addressing it!

Pelican

Nice to *see* you again!

I suggest the Alanon slogan: Patience, more will be revealed.

That amount of alcohol each day would give me concern too. Based on the accepted daily alcohol intake for a male of two drinks per day, I think he over-indulged.

I watched my husband drink that amount most days and it was problematic because he drank most of those beers on an empty stomach. As the opposite of a normie that would sip the beers with a meal.

ARealLady

Here's something else I realized and then recognized it for what it is....CODIE BEHAVIOUR

I said to myself: "But his brother is very ill and is probably dying"

There are NO excuses for drinking.

ZiggyB

I think you should mention it and see what his response is. If it is bothering you, what's the point of keeping it inside?

SundayGirl2012

I'm a Brit and I can assure you that in a lot of British social circles, 3 to 4 beers plus 1 to 2 glasses of wine would be considered an entirely normal evening out. Especially if on holiday. And especially if you're talking about bottles of beer instead of pints.

Context and social expectations and culture seem to cast dramatic differences on what level or pattern of alcohol consumption is considered 'normal'.

If it were me, the question I'd want to ask would not be 'is this too much?' but 'is this a compulsion?'.

Hypatia

When I first came to Germany, I had this impression that I had moved to a country of alcoholics. They seemed to drink beer the way that I drink coffee, and the legal beer drinking/buying age is 16. It took me a while to get used to the culture.

Back then I had no experience in dealing with alcoholism and struggled with the relaxed atmosphere. Obviously I wasn't about to start preaching and hoping to change a whole nation while trying to fit in and live here. But neither was I going to change my own drinking habits in order to fit in and live here.

One of the things which really made me uncomfortable was the fact that in Germany, passengers in a moving car can legally drink alcohol. Only the driver must remain under the limit. After my one and only time of putting up with it, I decided that regardless of the law I was not going to allow any alcohol to be drunk while I'm the driver. I need my full concentration when driving on the autobahn, particularly those sections without any speed limit.

What I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter what others think is legal or right or proper. What matters is what you find acceptable. If this man's drinking is making you uncomfortable, then that is all that counts. Depending on the relationship and amount of trust you have, you might want to try talking to him about it and perhaps even tell him why you are uncomfortable with such a style of holiday drinking. See how he responds. It should give you some more insight into what sort of man he really is.

FireSprite

I have to agree with this point. I enjoy a couple of drinks with my girlfriends on the weekends here & there but on vacation I could easily drink the same every day simply because I felt like it. It doesn't "make or break" the vacation (I would enjoy myself regardless) & it doesn't carry over when we're home & back to real life.

PaperDolls

Have you expressed your concerns with him? Does he know your history? Would you prefer to date someone who doesn't drink at all?

I've never been very successful at trying to figure out what's going on in someone's brain and generally, I'm wrong. I end up just stressing myself out and most of the time, for nothing.

Communication is key.

ARealLady

Agree with you, Sunday Girl, about quantities. The man in question is Irish. But all said...even in the UK or Ireland, there are "safe" guidelines for alcohol consumption and those are no different from what the Canadian government recommends.

I think my reason for posting was because I saw the drinking as compulsive and maybe it is something that he manages to hide from me the rest of the time.

How come so many people seem to be able to accept any and all drinking and I can't? I just can't....at least I know I am in good company here.

ARealLady

That is essentially how I feel. Thank you!

ARealLady

His behaviour did not make or break the holiday, FireSprite, for me but I had to acknowledge my discomfort (at least to myself!) and now I am addressing it.

I believe that vacations are a part of real life...at least for me! ;-) I constantly seek balance and consistency for myself.

Learn2Live

Trust your instincts.

ARealLady

Yes, he does know my history, and I did wonder if I should be dating a teetotaller but that wouldn't work because the TT might be carrying other baggage. I am not a TT.

I think that based on the past with the exABF,I have been affected ... the scenes, the sickness, the lack of money, the excuses, the blaming, the revenge, the eventual breakup, the DUI, the early death (yes, he died about three years ago and I heard through the grapevine...very sad) etc etc....it left its' mark! Don't ever want any of that again.

FireSprite

Oh, your feelings are perfectly valid & you're definitely entitled to address it!!

I was speaking solely from the perspective of a casual drinker who has a healthy relationship with alcohol. I seek balance in life but I certainly spoil myself during vacations in ways that I never do in daily life. Richer foods, a few more sweets, sleeping in, souveniers, etc. I have also at times indulged in alcohol more during vacation than I do during my daily life without it being driven by a compulsion or addiction. From the outside someone could make assumptions or judgements about that behavior without seeing it in context to the rest of my life, that's all.

transformyself

I would NOT mention it to him, but rather watch his actions.

if he is an A in hiding you'll see it soon enough, but if you tip your hand he may become more secretive.

I would not want to have a discussion about it at all, but rather trust and listen to myself and watch his actions.

NYCDoglvr

In terms of alcoholism, it's not how much someone drinks it's what happens. Did he get drunk? If not and he drank the amount you stated every day, he's probably not an alcoholic. An alcoholic can not drink, but when they pick up they can't stop. Non alcoholics have no problem stopping, but drunks can't have a few drinks.

painfully

I didn't trust my instincts for a long time. I thought that I saw alcoholics everywhere so, when my alcodar went off, i started ignoring it and wound up married to a crack addict.

Whether he is or isn't an alcoholic isn't really all that important. If his drinking makes you uncomfortable, that's the most important part.

ARealLady

With exABF, he could stop if there was nothing left to drink even if he wasn't drunk...and then he would fall asleep because it was easier to cope that way with no alcohol.

So the "what happens" with the new fellow is that he gets to a state that begins to make me uncomfortable. He's not fall down drunk but he has had too much to drink by my standards. You know...two beers he's OK but three are too many. He's louder and kind of aggressive sounding/belligerent.

PaperDolls

I think all of us have some sort of baggage.

Of course you were affected. No doubt about it.