Feelings cycling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 11
Feelings cycling
I have resisted the urge to reach out and see how the XAbf is doing. I was doing okay until yesterday when I took my son to a park/lake that he likes to go to that his dad and I took him to pretty often. It made me feel sad for the 'dream' of our happy little family that was robbed due to the addiction to alcohol. I think I am going to have to find a new lake for me and my son to go to that has ducks/geese. I made it but to be honest it was really depressing.
Then last night, my DS2 was having an imaginary conversation on the telephone with his dad. He said, "I miss you daddy," and was telling him how he was cooking hamburgers (we had them for dinner) and was saying, "I love you daddy." I just told him that his dad misses him and loves him too and that he will get to see him soon. I would let his dad see him except I have a court order that says no visitation until the 8th of next month (aug) I am starting to doubt myself, wondering if i made the right choice with a restraining order. I mean I know I did, but I guess I just don't like that it was necessary and wish that the events never transpired which led us down this sick, depressing road.
I think this is just one of those emotions that I have to own and then let go of while moving forward. I pray that my XAbf finds peace in his life and that he can accept what a mess alcohol/addiction have played in his life. I hope someday we can at least be friends and properly co-parent our child. Maybe there is some small, tiny hope that he may become the man I have always wanted him to be and that he will find recovery and the three of us can have our happy, little family. I know it is a dream, and that only he can make the choices/changes, but it doesn't mean I still don't hold some little spark of hope. Does that hope ever fade for those of you who have been through this before?
Then last night, my DS2 was having an imaginary conversation on the telephone with his dad. He said, "I miss you daddy," and was telling him how he was cooking hamburgers (we had them for dinner) and was saying, "I love you daddy." I just told him that his dad misses him and loves him too and that he will get to see him soon. I would let his dad see him except I have a court order that says no visitation until the 8th of next month (aug) I am starting to doubt myself, wondering if i made the right choice with a restraining order. I mean I know I did, but I guess I just don't like that it was necessary and wish that the events never transpired which led us down this sick, depressing road.
I think this is just one of those emotions that I have to own and then let go of while moving forward. I pray that my XAbf finds peace in his life and that he can accept what a mess alcohol/addiction have played in his life. I hope someday we can at least be friends and properly co-parent our child. Maybe there is some small, tiny hope that he may become the man I have always wanted him to be and that he will find recovery and the three of us can have our happy, little family. I know it is a dream, and that only he can make the choices/changes, but it doesn't mean I still don't hold some little spark of hope. Does that hope ever fade for those of you who have been through this before?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It's not that the hope fades, it's that I get busy with my life and sooner or later the pain and the longing go away and I forget the reason why I wanted to stay with that person in the first place. Because over time, I come to accept that the person was not good for me and I am able to see who they really are. More often than not, I am left with the thought, "What the hell was I THINKING?!" being with that person in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
For me, yes the hoped faded and turned into reality of what is. Hope and fantasy kept me hanging in for far longer than I should have. I do regret that, but recognize it was part of my process.
Holding onto hope kept me in a place of sadness and confusion. I could see my dream clearly, why couldn't he? The part I created for him would be so easy if he would only just do what I wanted! Wow, when I type it all out like that - it really is a dysfunctional viewpoint.
He offered me what he had to offer at the time. I couldn't accept it; it wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship for me. I offered what I had, it wasn't acceptable to him either. What other choice is there?
I am sorry - it hurts, this I know intimately. The closer I get to my divorce court date, the sadder I have become. It isn't how I wanted things to be. But it is what it is.
What I haven't given up hope on is someday finding a man to be my life companion who has similar perspectives, values, and a desire for growth that I have, and I look forward to the adventures we'll have together.
Holding onto hope kept me in a place of sadness and confusion. I could see my dream clearly, why couldn't he? The part I created for him would be so easy if he would only just do what I wanted! Wow, when I type it all out like that - it really is a dysfunctional viewpoint.
He offered me what he had to offer at the time. I couldn't accept it; it wasn't conducive to a healthy relationship for me. I offered what I had, it wasn't acceptable to him either. What other choice is there?
I am sorry - it hurts, this I know intimately. The closer I get to my divorce court date, the sadder I have become. It isn't how I wanted things to be. But it is what it is.
What I haven't given up hope on is someday finding a man to be my life companion who has similar perspectives, values, and a desire for growth that I have, and I look forward to the adventures we'll have together.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 32
I can relate to so much of your post. I am sorry you're feeling the negative effects of your relationship with an A.
Good on you for staying strong with your restraining order! It sucks that you needed to go to those lengths to protect yourself. It shows great character that you've followed your self-protective instincts and are taking care of yourself and your children.
Our dreams do die, and I know how that can be terribly painful. My relationship didn't have marriage or children, but I was still so crushed when I realized everything was irrevocably damaged and over.
For me, finally giving up on that last sliver of hope turned out to be extraordinarily freeing! It wasn't immediate, but with time and distance I stopped mourning the loss of the old dreams. Only then was I able to replace those dreams with new, improved, alcoholic-free dreams
Good on you for staying strong with your restraining order! It sucks that you needed to go to those lengths to protect yourself. It shows great character that you've followed your self-protective instincts and are taking care of yourself and your children.
Our dreams do die, and I know how that can be terribly painful. My relationship didn't have marriage or children, but I was still so crushed when I realized everything was irrevocably damaged and over.
For me, finally giving up on that last sliver of hope turned out to be extraordinarily freeing! It wasn't immediate, but with time and distance I stopped mourning the loss of the old dreams. Only then was I able to replace those dreams with new, improved, alcoholic-free dreams
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Freein2012 
Then last night, my DS2 was having an imaginary conversation on the telephone with his dad. He said, "I miss you daddy," and was telling him how he was cooking hamburgers (we had them for dinner) and was saying, "I love you daddy." I just told him that his dad misses him and loves him too and that he will get to see him soon. I would let his dad see him except I have a court order that says no visitation until the 8th of next month (aug) I am starting to doubt myself, wondering if i made the right choice with a restraining order. I mean I know I did, but I guess I just don't like that it was necessary and wish that the events never transpired which led us down this sick, depressing road.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, Free!
The hope that my AH will be what I want him to be has also faded over time. it isn't gone, and it is continuing to fade more slowly now, but it's much less than it was. Like TuffGirl said, I have learned to just accept who he is now. I think the thing that made me so confused was really a remnant of the denial I had been in for years. You see, the year before I split with my husband, I thought we had the best relationship of anyone I knew. We had been planning this amazing adventure together to sail our home to the South Pacific. We had been working up to this for the last ten years, and we were actually going to do it! We are not rich, but resourceful and self-sufficient in many ways. We shared this life goal and our love. We worked together seamlessly to make this happen. That was my impression before we left. It turned out to be an exceedingly bad idea to sail a thousand miles offshore with a raging alcoholic as your captain and partner.
Needless to say, when we landed back in The States less than a year later, I was very confused by the new and undeniable reality that he was, in fact, out of control and no longer valued our life together. How could something that huge happen so quickly? We were in French Polynesia - arguably one of the most romantic places on Earth. How could we have fallen apart at that point?! Why couldn't we have continued like we were? But, I remember, it wasn't that long ago, we were so good!
No, we weren't. I understand now that he had been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. It had snuck up on me rather slowly and I didn't understand enough about alcoholism to know the signs. We were both in heavy denial for years, and it has become more clear to me as time has passed. I think that is why my hope that he will somehow fit my dream again has faded. I know that he never really did. Sure, he had lots of potential, and he talked a good game. But he isn't healthy, and I think he hasn't been since before I knew him.
I also know now that I have some work to do to get myself on the right track so that I can engage in healthy relationships again. The first person I am pursuing a relationship with now is me! :bounce. If I had any kids, they would definitely make the first cut too. Focus your attention on the great relationships you do have in your life right now (that's one for the gratitude list!). You can't help but feel better.
Take care,
Fathom
The hope that my AH will be what I want him to be has also faded over time. it isn't gone, and it is continuing to fade more slowly now, but it's much less than it was. Like TuffGirl said, I have learned to just accept who he is now. I think the thing that made me so confused was really a remnant of the denial I had been in for years. You see, the year before I split with my husband, I thought we had the best relationship of anyone I knew. We had been planning this amazing adventure together to sail our home to the South Pacific. We had been working up to this for the last ten years, and we were actually going to do it! We are not rich, but resourceful and self-sufficient in many ways. We shared this life goal and our love. We worked together seamlessly to make this happen. That was my impression before we left. It turned out to be an exceedingly bad idea to sail a thousand miles offshore with a raging alcoholic as your captain and partner.
Needless to say, when we landed back in The States less than a year later, I was very confused by the new and undeniable reality that he was, in fact, out of control and no longer valued our life together. How could something that huge happen so quickly? We were in French Polynesia - arguably one of the most romantic places on Earth. How could we have fallen apart at that point?! Why couldn't we have continued like we were? But, I remember, it wasn't that long ago, we were so good!
No, we weren't. I understand now that he had been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. It had snuck up on me rather slowly and I didn't understand enough about alcoholism to know the signs. We were both in heavy denial for years, and it has become more clear to me as time has passed. I think that is why my hope that he will somehow fit my dream again has faded. I know that he never really did. Sure, he had lots of potential, and he talked a good game. But he isn't healthy, and I think he hasn't been since before I knew him.
I also know now that I have some work to do to get myself on the right track so that I can engage in healthy relationships again. The first person I am pursuing a relationship with now is me! :bounce. If I had any kids, they would definitely make the first cut too. Focus your attention on the great relationships you do have in your life right now (that's one for the gratitude list!). You can't help but feel better.
Take care,
Fathom
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
