The body doesn't lie.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
The body doesn't lie.
I'm sitting here right now feeling the stress in my chest from dealing with Abf.
Lately, we are arguing constantly. Between his attitude and my reactions to it, it's been a constant battle. I feel the tension rise up inside me whenever I even think about talking with him on the phone (seems that's where most arguments happen).
I have a week vacation coming up and I haven't planned it yet. I want to go far away, be alone, center myself and enjoy some me time. I'm a full time single mom, dating an A...I need space.
He's giving me hell. I explained to him that the last few weekend trips we've taken he's spent drinking and partying and doesn't want to do anything else. It's not my idea of a vacation. Last year we broke up right before my vacation because he just wanted to sit at a campground and drink for 5 days. Nope, wasn't going to do it.
So, I've tried to look at it as spending the weekend with a friend and thought if I split it up to a few days with him and some time to myself that would work.
He put the major guilt trip on me today. Said this wasn't our vacation but my vacation and I was just fitting him whenever it was convenient for me.
I feel the tension over this building inside me. I look forward to finally getting a vacation and this year I wish I didn't even have one.
A part of me wants to go somewhere with him, but it's the one wearing the rose colored glasses. The one who thinks, maybe, just maybe, THIS time we will be able to have a good time. It's the one who sees past the drinking a**hole, beyond the anger and sees some form of a man that she wants to love.
But, the other side...the realistic one...knows what will happen. He'll pout over everything. He'll be miserable and blame me because he can't drink on MY vacation. I will want to enjoy moments of peace and tranquility and he will have to get high to enjoy it, then talk for an hour afterwards.
I feel myself wanting to make him happy. Then I tell myself, wtf! Make yourself happy. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do and if he doesn't like it, he will find someone else who can be the weak, wimpy little follower of his every command that he so desires.
Trying to de-stress. This relationship has taken such a toll on my mental and physical health why the hell can't I walk away from it???
Lately, we are arguing constantly. Between his attitude and my reactions to it, it's been a constant battle. I feel the tension rise up inside me whenever I even think about talking with him on the phone (seems that's where most arguments happen).
I have a week vacation coming up and I haven't planned it yet. I want to go far away, be alone, center myself and enjoy some me time. I'm a full time single mom, dating an A...I need space.
He's giving me hell. I explained to him that the last few weekend trips we've taken he's spent drinking and partying and doesn't want to do anything else. It's not my idea of a vacation. Last year we broke up right before my vacation because he just wanted to sit at a campground and drink for 5 days. Nope, wasn't going to do it.
So, I've tried to look at it as spending the weekend with a friend and thought if I split it up to a few days with him and some time to myself that would work.
He put the major guilt trip on me today. Said this wasn't our vacation but my vacation and I was just fitting him whenever it was convenient for me.
I feel the tension over this building inside me. I look forward to finally getting a vacation and this year I wish I didn't even have one.
A part of me wants to go somewhere with him, but it's the one wearing the rose colored glasses. The one who thinks, maybe, just maybe, THIS time we will be able to have a good time. It's the one who sees past the drinking a**hole, beyond the anger and sees some form of a man that she wants to love.
But, the other side...the realistic one...knows what will happen. He'll pout over everything. He'll be miserable and blame me because he can't drink on MY vacation. I will want to enjoy moments of peace and tranquility and he will have to get high to enjoy it, then talk for an hour afterwards.
I feel myself wanting to make him happy. Then I tell myself, wtf! Make yourself happy. Go where you want to go and do what you want to do and if he doesn't like it, he will find someone else who can be the weak, wimpy little follower of his every command that he so desires.
Trying to de-stress. This relationship has taken such a toll on my mental and physical health why the hell can't I walk away from it???
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I'm imagining some beach with you relaxing on a chair. Your eyes are closed. You are listening to the waves come in, and each one washes over you and relaxes you further. Each wave cleanses you. Each wave retreating takes with it your stress...you let it wash out to sea.
I bet the better part of that week alone would be good for you. Maybe not all alone--as you don't want to get lonely--but I think you might find some clarity in the peace of waves washing over your stress.
Or...if it's a vacation in the woods--same thing---the sound of the wind rustling in the trees can do the same thing.
Serenity...peace...doing what you can control and away from what you can't.
You may find there are a lot more choices you have when you look at what you can control, and how a relationship with an active addict is something you can never control.
Find that place in your mind where your chest isn't tensed up...and go live there.
I bet the better part of that week alone would be good for you. Maybe not all alone--as you don't want to get lonely--but I think you might find some clarity in the peace of waves washing over your stress.
Or...if it's a vacation in the woods--same thing---the sound of the wind rustling in the trees can do the same thing.
Serenity...peace...doing what you can control and away from what you can't.
You may find there are a lot more choices you have when you look at what you can control, and how a relationship with an active addict is something you can never control.
Find that place in your mind where your chest isn't tensed up...and go live there.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Your final statement said it all. I walked away because I saw the toll stress and anxiety were taking on my physical health after only a very short period of time. My life with the drunk had made me a nervous wreck, seeing what the hell I had got myself into. My dreams and hopes of a normal relationship were out the window, as the drunk had not progressed as it told me it had initially. It had REGRESSED into this "Hyde" persona, that I neither knew, nor particularly liked, much less loved. We had reunited after 12 years and this sociopathic liar had told me how much it had changed, was ready to settle down into a real relationship with me, ect.
It was all lies. The drunk lived for its jail pals, it's "felon thinking" its booze and drugs, and its way of life, which included continual breaking of the law, disregard for anyone's feelings, and its need to continually and daily search for alcohol, and to consume it. This took over it's life, and it wanted to drag me with it, and basically have me pay for it's liquor, ect......After 4 weeks of tragically seeing that the person I had once had strong feelings for 12 years ago was gone, replaced with this horrid, "Hyde-like" addict, that my hopes and dreams were replaced with this facsimile of the person I really wanted....reminded me of a passage from the book Pet Semetary when Jud was speaking of Timmy Bateman, and how after his father had buried him in the Mic Mac burial ground, the thing that came back was only vaguely the same in physical appearance, it had changed into something ugly.
It was all lies. The drunk lived for its jail pals, it's "felon thinking" its booze and drugs, and its way of life, which included continual breaking of the law, disregard for anyone's feelings, and its need to continually and daily search for alcohol, and to consume it. This took over it's life, and it wanted to drag me with it, and basically have me pay for it's liquor, ect......After 4 weeks of tragically seeing that the person I had once had strong feelings for 12 years ago was gone, replaced with this horrid, "Hyde-like" addict, that my hopes and dreams were replaced with this facsimile of the person I really wanted....reminded me of a passage from the book Pet Semetary when Jud was speaking of Timmy Bateman, and how after his father had buried him in the Mic Mac burial ground, the thing that came back was only vaguely the same in physical appearance, it had changed into something ugly.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Part of what motivated me to make plans for leaving was exactly that -- that my body started breaking down. I was "doing everything right" -- eating uber-healthy, exercising six days a week -- and my doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because all I did was work, work out, and sleep. I could sleep 13 hours and wake up feeling like I had just closed my eyes.
A counselor I fired (because I wasn't ready for what he had to say) told me that "a lot of wives of alcoholics wait and hope for the alcoholic to die. I have to tell you that in many, many cases, the body and soul of the wife wears out long before that of the alcoholic. So if that's what you're betting on, you may be spending the rest of your life in this prison you've chosen and die before he does."
A counselor I fired (because I wasn't ready for what he had to say) told me that "a lot of wives of alcoholics wait and hope for the alcoholic to die. I have to tell you that in many, many cases, the body and soul of the wife wears out long before that of the alcoholic. So if that's what you're betting on, you may be spending the rest of your life in this prison you've chosen and die before he does."
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by Alucard 
Your final statement said it all. I walked away because I saw the toll stress and anxiety were taking on my physical health after only a very short period of time. My life with the drunk had made me a nervous wreck, seeing what the hell I had got myself into. My dreams and hopes of a normal relationship were out the window, as the drunk had not progressed as it told me it had initially. It had REGRESSED into this "Hyde" persona, that I neither knew, nor particularly liked, much less loved. We had reunited after 12 years and this sociopathic liar had told me how much it had changed, was ready to settle down into a real relationship with me, ect.
It was all lies. The drunk lived for its jail pals, it's "felon thinking" its booze and drugs, and its way of life, which included continual breaking of the law, disregard for anyone's feelings, and its need to continually and daily search for alcohol, and to consume it. This took over it's life, and it wanted to drag me with it, and basically have me pay for it's liquor, ect......After 4 weeks of tragically seeing that the person I had once had strong feelings for 12 years ago was gone, replaced with this horrid, "Hyde-like" addict, that my hopes and dreams were replaced with this facsimile of the person I really wanted....reminded me of a passage from the book Pet Semetary when Jud was speaking of Timmy Bateman, and how after his father had buried him in the Mic Mac burial ground, the thing that came back was only vaguely the same in physical appearance, it had changed into something ugly.
It was all lies. The drunk lived for its jail pals, it's "felon thinking" its booze and drugs, and its way of life, which included continual breaking of the law, disregard for anyone's feelings, and its need to continually and daily search for alcohol, and to consume it. This took over it's life, and it wanted to drag me with it, and basically have me pay for it's liquor, ect......After 4 weeks of tragically seeing that the person I had once had strong feelings for 12 years ago was gone, replaced with this horrid, "Hyde-like" addict, that my hopes and dreams were replaced with this facsimile of the person I really wanted....reminded me of a passage from the book Pet Semetary when Jud was speaking of Timmy Bateman, and how after his father had buried him in the Mic Mac burial ground, the thing that came back was only vaguely the same in physical appearance, it had changed into something ugly.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I became so sick living with AXBF, I began to get pulled muscles in my back that I had never had before, and the doctor could not explain to me why this kept happening. I was tired and lethargic all the time, had no motivation to do anything. My spinal problems became exacerbated and I was in pain all the time. I got a foot problem, not from an injury but it just appeared, and it was so painful I could not walk for 6 months (I did go to work though). I felt like I was a prisoner in my own home. I would get sick all the time, with colds and flus. I'd have bad reactions to the medications the doctors would give me. All that stress wears down your immune system and wears down your body.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
My nerves were shot, my blood pressure was probably off the charts, my mind was continually racing, and the sweats. Day and night, my palms were clammy, and sweat would literally pour off of my forehead......there was all kinds of pressure, dealing with her kid and mine, not getting along, her kid being intrusive, my parents and her hating each other, and me playing "referee" financial stress (she was unemployed and as a felon, not exactly super-employable.....so my meager wages had to support me, her and her alcoholism....a 12-18 pack a DAY plus vodka adds up), the stress of living in a small apt built for one, and a lack of privacy, and add to this, watching her get $hitfaced nightly, starting the drinking since 10am....seeing the tremors and knowing what that meant, and seeing that she had not changed at all, but had regressed and knowing now that it just flat out WASNT going to work???...
The joy had went out of life, after about a 14 day period where she "played the part"....then I saw what it had turned into, and all of a sudden, all was grey. No happiness. Only stress. Now that it has gone (mutual agreement) I feel physically better.
The joy had went out of life, after about a 14 day period where she "played the part"....then I saw what it had turned into, and all of a sudden, all was grey. No happiness. Only stress. Now that it has gone (mutual agreement) I feel physically better.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
MOG..your imagery is exactly what I feel right now. In fact, last year things were so bad that I flew to the West coast and did nothing for a week but travel up the coast and hit every beach I could. The sunshine, the peacefulness of it all, the water...I never wanted to come back home.
What my soul is telling me it needs right now is a similar place. Only, I envision sitting on a mountain overlooking just the glorious beauty of nature. I want to feel the connection to things bigger than me. Like the Grand Canyon or the mountains of Colorado.
I made the realization the other day that I'm having to find more tranquility than usual in order to make up for the angst I feel from Abf.
There are times I think I'm wrong. When he says to me do I know that I have a man who loves me, I think why would I throw that away? When he says how lucky I am to have someone who does what he does for me, I think am I really? Sometimes I see him as a salesman. Saying what I want to hear. Saying what he thinks I'll believe. Then I see myself doubting what he says and wondering if I should be believing him instead.
Just writing that has me seeing what a crazy cycle this is and why it is taking a mental and physical toll.
What my soul is telling me it needs right now is a similar place. Only, I envision sitting on a mountain overlooking just the glorious beauty of nature. I want to feel the connection to things bigger than me. Like the Grand Canyon or the mountains of Colorado.
I made the realization the other day that I'm having to find more tranquility than usual in order to make up for the angst I feel from Abf.
There are times I think I'm wrong. When he says to me do I know that I have a man who loves me, I think why would I throw that away? When he says how lucky I am to have someone who does what he does for me, I think am I really? Sometimes I see him as a salesman. Saying what I want to hear. Saying what he thinks I'll believe. Then I see myself doubting what he says and wondering if I should be believing him instead.
Just writing that has me seeing what a crazy cycle this is and why it is taking a mental and physical toll.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
itsmylife,
I recently left my XA with whom I have a child with. I have been physically and mentally sick for years due to the drinking. It has taken such a toll on my soul that I just feel run down and depressed and am trying to remain upbeat for my child. I will get my old spunk back but I can feel my body recovering from all the stress and anxiety I have been dealing with for years. I have gotten several colds over the last year. Now, I think I know why. One that I got in April held on for several weeks and it really scared me because my body was not healing like it used to.
Although, I feel some anxiety about the custody thing with my XA, because his mom is a relentless, psycho, I know in my heart that I will retain custody. I have his mom and his brother trying to get me to break my restraining order through guilt manipulation, but am not responding to them anymore. Not only does the alcoholic just beat me down, but so does his enabling family. Maybe even more so than he does. If they'd let him, he'd go drink himself to death, but alas, they can't let him suffer his own consequences.
I know it will take awhile after being so enmeshed with this kind of person for so long, to finally be free of him. I wish you peace and health. It was so hard, in my case, to walk away because I always pictured my A 'finally getting it' and realizing how good I was for him. But the actions said, he is going to keep drinking, and drinking and drinking.
I recently left my XA with whom I have a child with. I have been physically and mentally sick for years due to the drinking. It has taken such a toll on my soul that I just feel run down and depressed and am trying to remain upbeat for my child. I will get my old spunk back but I can feel my body recovering from all the stress and anxiety I have been dealing with for years. I have gotten several colds over the last year. Now, I think I know why. One that I got in April held on for several weeks and it really scared me because my body was not healing like it used to.
Although, I feel some anxiety about the custody thing with my XA, because his mom is a relentless, psycho, I know in my heart that I will retain custody. I have his mom and his brother trying to get me to break my restraining order through guilt manipulation, but am not responding to them anymore. Not only does the alcoholic just beat me down, but so does his enabling family. Maybe even more so than he does. If they'd let him, he'd go drink himself to death, but alas, they can't let him suffer his own consequences.
I know it will take awhile after being so enmeshed with this kind of person for so long, to finally be free of him. I wish you peace and health. It was so hard, in my case, to walk away because I always pictured my A 'finally getting it' and realizing how good I was for him. But the actions said, he is going to keep drinking, and drinking and drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
He' right about one thing, "It is your vacation" you earned it, and you can spend it anyway you damn well please.
I have a hunch he is afraid of you going off without him, and realizing life is amazing when not consumed by an active alkies unacceptable behavior.
I have a hunch he is afraid of you going off without him, and realizing life is amazing when not consumed by an active alkies unacceptable behavior.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
When I need time alone, I take it.
If I don't , it reaks havoc with the rest of my life.
My ex and I always argued over the phone, always, and of course I always started it LOL.
This is your vacation, he can drink very nicely , and will, without you, we are all about taking care of ourselves, please take care of you, the alcoholic will be there when you get back.
Beach sounds awesome
If I don't , it reaks havoc with the rest of my life.
My ex and I always argued over the phone, always, and of course I always started it LOL.
This is your vacation, he can drink very nicely , and will, without you, we are all about taking care of ourselves, please take care of you, the alcoholic will be there when you get back.
Beach sounds awesome
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by lillamy
Part of what motivated me to make plans for leaving was exactly that -- that my body started breaking down. I was "doing everything right" -- eating uber-healthy, exercising six days a week -- and my doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me because all I did was work, work out, and sleep. I could sleep 13 hours and wake up feeling like I had just closed my eyes.
A counselor I fired (because I wasn't ready for what he had to say) told me that "a lot of wives of alcoholics wait and hope for the alcoholic to die. I have to tell you that in many, many cases, the body and soul of the wife wears out long before that of the alcoholic. So if that's what you're betting on, you may be spending the rest of your life in this prison you've chosen and die before he does."
A counselor I fired (because I wasn't ready for what he had to say) told me that "a lot of wives of alcoholics wait and hope for the alcoholic to die. I have to tell you that in many, many cases, the body and soul of the wife wears out long before that of the alcoholic. So if that's what you're betting on, you may be spending the rest of your life in this prison you've chosen and die before he does."
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
He put the major guilt trip on me today. Said this wasn't our vacation but my vacation and I was just fitting him whenever it was convenient for me.
How many times is your life on hold for his drinking or using? Yes you have a role in that choice, but that is really what stuck out for me in your post.
To add to the body stuff. I do a type of body work called Rolfing. My Rolfer did not know my hubby was an alcoholic, but I signed an agreement with my therapist that they could talk. She called up my therapist to ask about my husband when I had only known her a little bit because my body was so out of wack, especially when I talked about him (I was saying one thing verbally and another with my body)....and she could not figure out why. It all made sense when my therapist let her know about my situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
When he says how lucky I am to have someone who does what he does for me, I think am I really?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 50
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
There are times I think I'm wrong. When he says to me do I know that I have a man who loves me, I think why would I throw that away? When he says how lucky I am to have someone who does what he does for me, I think am I really? Sometimes I see him as a salesman. Saying what I want to hear. Saying what he thinks I'll believe. Then I see myself doubting what he says and wondering if I should be believing him instead.
Mine never did. It was all about him. Not so long ago, he told my mother that "She's lucky to have me, no one else would have her." I should have punched him and/or immediately dumped him off at his uncle's house to find his own way 600 miles home from Florida. I haven't always graciously let people walk all over me. I'm struggling with the guilt of doing so with him, plus desperately seeking to understand how and where I fell into that trap. Is it the crumbs they throw out and how they come shining through just as you're ready to call it quits?
From the time I started seeing AXBF, I developed a dreadful abscess in my gum. Antibiotics had no effect on it. Sometimes it would get so irritated that I looked as if I had the mumps. About 3.5 years into the relationship, I booted the BF out and changed my locks because I'd caught him smoking pot on my property after multiple written warnings that I would not tolerate that behavior. Within a couple of weeks, my abscess went away.
Of course, I let him creep back in again. Every other weekend at first, when his (unbearable) son went away on visitation with his mother. Then he found a friend to send his son to on the alternating weekends. Suddenly I was slipping back into the abyss again. I finally wrote him to say that I was unwilling to plan my life and future around the limitations of his alcoholism. He quit and therein lay the hook. He couldn't possibly quit without my full support! His son went away for half summer visitation with his mother and I was saddled with the dry alcoholic 24/7.
Even though he was dry, nothing had really changed other than I was NEVER to have a single moment that he didn't dictate and control. I almost wished he'd go back to his 12+ pack/day beer obsession because I had replaced the beer as his sole obsession. At least he would slip away to hide his beer drinking. My gum abscess didn't come back, but I developed a persistent pain in my neck/shoulder and am also struggling with painful trigger thumbs. He's gone for good this time, so hopefully the pains will fade too as time passes.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
With all due respect, I am having a tough time imaging someone dating someone else who makes them feel physically sick. Are there children involved? Financial reasons? I didn't know the man I married was an alcoholic until we were a few months into the marriage and the counselor he insisted I see explained it all to me. I am ok with saying I was naive and overly trusting, while ignoring my intuition, but when I started feeling physically sick, I moved out. And I have two children involved in this mess. I viewed it as survival...there is no way I am going down for anyone else.
Why would you continue to date someone who treats you like this and makes you feel lousy? And I ask this in kindness.
~T
Why would you continue to date someone who treats you like this and makes you feel lousy? And I ask this in kindness.
~T
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Before AXBF came into my life, I had pretty much everything the way I wanted, my life was full enough for me, I loved my life, I was happy, I took my vacations alone and loved it. Then, he moved in. Even though I had told him many times I did not want to live together. As soon as he moved in, he started changing things. Moving things. Not putting things back where they go. Taking over things. Everything became about him, his needs, his life, and everything had to be his way. My house became HIS house. I no longer took my vacations. We went on a vacation last year and he ignored me the entire time. He ignored me ever since. It sucks to live your life completely alone but with someone living in your house for free, controlling you and your life.
It is just not worth it. What are you getting out of this relationship? Being with a drunk or stoned person is not a relationship. Having to bend to them and their will all the time is not a relationship. It's being held hostage.
It is just not worth it. What are you getting out of this relationship? Being with a drunk or stoned person is not a relationship. Having to bend to them and their will all the time is not a relationship. It's being held hostage.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
Why would you continue to date someone who treats you like this and makes you feel lousy? And I ask this in kindness.
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