The body doesn't lie.

Old 07-28-2012, 03:04 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I understand the pull of intermittent reinforcement, but not it working for long.

No one can make us a hostage in a relationship unless we let them. These alcoholics have not locked us up in a windowless room with machine guns to our heads. We do have the power to walk away.

Does it hurt to end relationships...hell yes. But in the end, it is very empowering to say no more. And mean it.
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:21 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
why DID you go back? is he still active?
Why? Good question. I didn't start with going back. It happened little by little over time and eventually we were right back where we started from. A part of me felt I was different and whenever he would do something that bothered me, I approached it differently. I maintained my life as best I could (which he hated) and learned to let things go.

He still drinks, still gets high. After an incident last week he is back in the cutting back mode to prove he doesn't need alcohol, yet open his fridge and there is a nice fresh case of beer.
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:31 PM
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Codiebird: "Put it on the scales. Does he ever say how lucky he is to have a wonderful woman who loves him and does what she does for him?"

Haha...my answer is the same as yours. NEVER. Because in his opinion, I am not a very loving person. I am standoffish and come across harsh and people we know are saying this about me. Just yesterday he said I wasn't feminine and was like a man. Because a woman is supposed to follow their man and be a partner and support their man and some more horse crap.

And, I know that I am not loving to HIM...I just don't feel it. Oh, I've tried. I've attempted to be all soft and sweet and loving, but it has no effect on him. The sad thing is he has NO idea how loving I can really be. He doesn't deserve it. What he wants is someone who wants to spend every waking moment with him, doing what he wants, when he wants, appreciating every little thing he does for them and constant reassurance and comforting. He needs a mother...not a girlfriend.
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:19 PM
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He needs a mother...not a girlfriend.
My experience with both ex-husbands was the same. My second ex called me "ma" one time, <shudder>. Yes, they hated and did not trust their mothers, so I was supposed to take their place and be the perfect partner, while they hated and mistrusted me.
Yeah, I guess I thought I needed the punishment (being a drunk).

Neither one of them knew me at all. How I felt or that I craved love and attention and would be very happy to give it back. But, by that time, I hated and mistrusted them.
So it was always over before it began, you know what I mean?

Thank you for sharing, it has helped me clear my head.

Beth
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Old 07-28-2012, 04:33 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow View Post
I'm sitting here right now feeling the stress in my chest from dealing with Abf.
I remember reading a definition of stress that is pretty accurate: "Stress is what occurs when the mind overrides the body's impulse to strangle someone who desperately needs it."

Stress is what happens when we try to impose our will on a situation, knowing that it likely will fail.

I would venture that a significant portion of your stress is not specifically about your vacation, but rather that your vacation is pushing the flaws in your relationship front and center. Your vacation will not play out how you want work because your ABF cannot be the person you want him to be. He is an active alcoholic, and until that changes there is no possibility of him being what you need, your vacations being what you need, or your life together being what you need.

If a vacation alone is far more attractive than one with him, what does that say about the rest of your life so long as he continues to drink?

I would suggest you go alone, and don't apologize for it. He has every right to choose to drink, and you have every right to go or stay and watch this train wreck continue.
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Old 07-29-2012, 06:37 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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This is what I love about this group...so many insights that hit the nail right on the head.

I don't think I recognized the stress coming from the light shining on what our relationship really is. I see it in the arguments we have and the anticipation of arguments to come, but not from the fact this relationship is hitting bottom yet again.

I should have seen this as lately I've felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach thinking this could be over soon, yet again.

It is amazing though how it does build up inside you and comes out in such a physical way. I am supposed to see him in about an hour with a group of friends and I already feel the tension wondering what buttons he's going to push and what's going to trigger me.

This is an unbelievable pattern it's hard for me to fathom I have yet to get off of it. What the hell does it take? me being committed?
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Old 07-29-2012, 07:46 AM
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Stress, tension and anxiety were my constant companions for the 4 weeks I lasted with the drunk.....and of course, the surreal sense of impending doom I always felt around the drunk. This was after the initial 14 day period where all was bliss, though there were signs that my infatuated mind was blind to. But inevitably the signs overrode the infatuation.

I'll never forget the daily and nighty sweating, the bad feelings of coming home from work to watch the drunk sit on a couch and guzzle beer and vodka until 3am, the lack of intimacy, the realization that the drunk had regressed from 12 years ago and the shock of seeing how much the drunk had changed into a person I didnt know or particularly liked.

I dont know what is going to happen to the drunk, it is 4th stage alcoholic syndrome, there are all kinds of physical and mental ailments, and no signs of slowing down. But this drunk is not my problem any longer. But I do fear checking the obits section of the paper.
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Old 07-29-2012, 01:00 PM
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This is an unbelievable pattern it's hard for me to fathom I have yet to get off of it. What the hell does it take? me being committed?
Itsmylifenow,

When did you become aware of this pattern? If it has been recently, you need time to process this pattern. Me, I had a hard time taking responsibility for my part.
I had to become aware I had a problem, my stomach felt like someone stuck a fork in me and started twisting, like spaghetti, and left a hard knot.
And this was just anticipating seeing him or having to deal with him at all.
I finally figured it was all on me, if I was the one worrying myself about what might happen.
After becoming aware, and accepting that I was the one making myself sick, I let go of it right there. He was an alcoholic, doing what alcoholics do. I knew that, I was one too. (hehehehe, does that rhyme?)
My action was to not engage at all, I would change the subject to anything other than our marriage. He threw out some bait, in the same breath as hello, and I said, this weather is great isn't it? His mouth hung open, he closed it. Then he said, it sure is, I want to take the kids to the lake with my brother (E). I said, great they would love that.
End of conversation. It was not perfect everytime, but wow, it got so much better.
awareness, acceptance, action. good stuff.

Beth
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Old 07-29-2012, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow View Post
I feel myself wanting to make him happy. Then I tell myself, wtf!
Exactly, wtf, how we get so concerned about making them happy does not make sense.
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Old 07-29-2012, 04:47 PM
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow View Post
He put the major guilt trip on me today. Said this wasn't our vacation but my vacation and I was just fitting him whenever it was convenient for me.

I feel the tension over this building inside me. I look forward to finally getting a vacation and this year I wish I didn't even have one.
You should tell him, yep that's correct! This is about YOU for once, not him. The way I see it, he fits you in whenever it's convenient for him (aka when you won't pose a threat to his self-destructive behaviors), so why shouldn't you do the same? At least yours will benefit you, not hurt you.

I always avoided making plans if I knew there was a chance I could be spending time with my BF instead. He didn't ask me to, and was never offended or pouty when I didn't include him. It wasn't even about worrying what he'd get himself into if I wasn't around. I just was so wrapped up in him that I always wanted to spend time with him if possible. He didn't do the same thing for me of course.

Anyway, my siblings and I are all pretty close, and my older sister moved from WA (about 2 hours away) to Texas about a month before I met my BF. She is my best friend and my niece and nephew are the light of my life, but even though I missed them I put off going to visit for so long.

I always used money or work as an excuse, but the truth is, I didn't want to leave my BF. I finally went to see her a few months ago (admittedly while he was working night shift so I wouldn't be seeing him anyway) and didn't even think of him the entire time! I'm going again next week. The stress and anxiety of the last 2 months have reached a point where I must get away. I can't wait. I really hope you get to do the same!!
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Old 07-30-2012, 03:33 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
there is a big difference between wanting to SEE your partner happy, and trying to MAKE them happy.
Yep. Look for some one who is already happy or you will become miserable trying to make them happy.
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