How do you detatch from a teen?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
How do you detatch from a teen?
Please tell me if this is inappropriate to ask here. My qualifier is my husband but I am employed working with at-risk teens who use drugs and/or alcohol.
I refer clients to Al-anon frequently but I'm not sure how it works for parents of teens. I spoke with some members of the Al-anon group that I attend most frequently and they said they had observed the same thing in all the groups - that most people who attend the meetings have a qualifier who is an adult. I really think that it would be helpful for the parents I work with to have some skills with detatchment but what does that look like when you are talking about a dependent child?
Does anyone have any experience with this or know of resources? What is similar in what is different when you are dealing with an adult child vs. one who is under 18?
I refer clients to Al-anon frequently but I'm not sure how it works for parents of teens. I spoke with some members of the Al-anon group that I attend most frequently and they said they had observed the same thing in all the groups - that most people who attend the meetings have a qualifier who is an adult. I really think that it would be helpful for the parents I work with to have some skills with detatchment but what does that look like when you are talking about a dependent child?
Does anyone have any experience with this or know of resources? What is similar in what is different when you are dealing with an adult child vs. one who is under 18?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: In a better place
Posts: 282
Families Anonymous, if a meeting is available, is a fantastic support resource for parents of both substance abusers and offspring with serious psychiatric/behavioral problems. Naranon meetings are usually populated with parents of minors. There are obviously legal issues involved in parenting a minor; parents have more responsibility and also more authority in the situation. That situation changes when the addict reaches majority.
When my RAS was under 18 we had legal authority over him, and much more say in his care. Teachers and guidance counselors can also lend support and guidance to parents of underage children. This is a huge resource and should not be overlooked.
Detaching from a minor child is more a loving attitude of the heart for the parents, and does not involve throwing a child out, refusing to provide shelter, food, transportation, medical care etc. It means getting help for yourself, the adult, the parent; seeking serenity (because you will need it!); doing the best you can do with the resources available to you and releasing that child to God's loving care in your heart--again, as best you can.
As a mother, I have found it marginally easier to deal with my son's problems now that he is an adult. Other parents may feel differently about that. My 21-year-old, though obviously an addict in early recovery with all the attendant issues/problems, has matured since the teen years, so even with all the s***, he is easier to deal with/talk to/listen to now than he was then. Again, that is not true in all cases, so that is just my experience at this point.
When my RAS was under 18 we had legal authority over him, and much more say in his care. Teachers and guidance counselors can also lend support and guidance to parents of underage children. This is a huge resource and should not be overlooked.
Detaching from a minor child is more a loving attitude of the heart for the parents, and does not involve throwing a child out, refusing to provide shelter, food, transportation, medical care etc. It means getting help for yourself, the adult, the parent; seeking serenity (because you will need it!); doing the best you can do with the resources available to you and releasing that child to God's loving care in your heart--again, as best you can.
As a mother, I have found it marginally easier to deal with my son's problems now that he is an adult. Other parents may feel differently about that. My 21-year-old, though obviously an addict in early recovery with all the attendant issues/problems, has matured since the teen years, so even with all the s***, he is easier to deal with/talk to/listen to now than he was then. Again, that is not true in all cases, so that is just my experience at this point.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My codependent relationship with my RAD started when she was about 12 and ended a couple of years ago (she's now 24).
It all started when her life experiences began to resemble mine at around the same age. I kept thinking how they were all wicked moments of deja vu. It was traumatizing for both of us.
After therapy, meetings and countless hours on here, it all came down to accepting and remembering this: I am not her, she is not me.
It all started when her life experiences began to resemble mine at around the same age. I kept thinking how they were all wicked moments of deja vu. It was traumatizing for both of us.
After therapy, meetings and countless hours on here, it all came down to accepting and remembering this: I am not her, she is not me.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
All I can share is what I went through and what I have seen done. At the age of 14 I had already been to one rehab and was using again. My mom told me either another rehab or move out. I moved in with my dad. My mom went to Alanon and it is where she got her idea. I have seen other's press unruly charges against their kids. It hurt them to do it, but they felt they had no other choice.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
There are AlAnon groups that are specifically focused on parents- not many, but they are there. There are two within 30 minutes of where I live- its a farther drive than my regular meetings, but not so far as to be impossible to get to.
The parents group I attend most often is composed of parents of addicts, or addicts/alcoholics, ranging in age from 16 to 50 something. Most of the qualifiers are currently in their early 20s, I think. Although most are out of their teens, all of their qualifiers started their addictions in middle school or high school, so every one can relate to the problems the parents of younger addicts are experiencing.
I'd advise your clients to keep looking for a meeting that "fits" them - they are out there.
The parents group I attend most often is composed of parents of addicts, or addicts/alcoholics, ranging in age from 16 to 50 something. Most of the qualifiers are currently in their early 20s, I think. Although most are out of their teens, all of their qualifiers started their addictions in middle school or high school, so every one can relate to the problems the parents of younger addicts are experiencing.
I'd advise your clients to keep looking for a meeting that "fits" them - they are out there.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I have a niece that I love dearly, but have had to detach from. Not so much the drugs/alcohol (though they were a factor) but major codependency from another family member. I spent a LOT of time on this forum, tried what other people had. Some things worked, some didn't, but with each "try" we moved forward. We still have our moments and I'm the one who isn't so easily manipulated, so definitely not the favorite but there is love and that's what matters.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
It's a great question. We talk about detachment a lot in Al-anon, but I've had the parent of an alcoholic/addict teen tell me "I can't do that with my child." I understand the feeling.
On the other hand, the GR in my group is in the same situation with her son, and even though he recently relapsed, again, she still was able to express that Al-anon has helped her find serenity and joy. So it is possible.
I think one of the problems is that so many people mistake detachment for turning your back on someone. I understand that sometimes the alcoholic/addict makes our lives so crazy, chaotic, even violent that we need to physically separate ourselves. But that's not detachment.
Detachment is emotionally separating ourselves from the actions or inactions of the alcoholic/addict. Not letting how they behave, or what they say make us crazy! I think that if we are able to do that, it makes a space for us to feel compassion, to understand, and even to love.
I've found detachment in my life and relationship...and it's spilled out into my other relationships. And I've seen it in others...so I know it's possible. Even with your own children.
On the other hand, the GR in my group is in the same situation with her son, and even though he recently relapsed, again, she still was able to express that Al-anon has helped her find serenity and joy. So it is possible.
I think one of the problems is that so many people mistake detachment for turning your back on someone. I understand that sometimes the alcoholic/addict makes our lives so crazy, chaotic, even violent that we need to physically separate ourselves. But that's not detachment.
Detachment is emotionally separating ourselves from the actions or inactions of the alcoholic/addict. Not letting how they behave, or what they say make us crazy! I think that if we are able to do that, it makes a space for us to feel compassion, to understand, and even to love.
I've found detachment in my life and relationship...and it's spilled out into my other relationships. And I've seen it in others...so I know it's possible. Even with your own children.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Detachment.....20/20 hindsight I wish I had understood that concept. If a parent can stand back and lovingly allow the teen to experience the full impact of their behavior and choices, that's a great step toward detachment.
gentle hugs
ke
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Thlayli: Several years ago, when my son as a teen was attending (NA) meetings (which were required as follow up to inpatient treatment and also by his probation officer), he was encouraged to find a sponsor of (if I remember correctly) the same sex, someone other than his parents.
As parents, my husband and I (well, truthfully, mostly me) were supportive, and when my son would attend NA meetings, I sometimes went to NarAnon meetings in the same building.
Over time, I realized it was my son's deal to face and handle.
I'd like to add that since he was under 18, we were required by law to provide him a home and also (in some ways) were held responsible for his actions; this made it more difficult to detach and have him face consequences.
As parents, my husband and I (well, truthfully, mostly me) were supportive, and when my son would attend NA meetings, I sometimes went to NarAnon meetings in the same building.
Over time, I realized it was my son's deal to face and handle.
I'd like to add that since he was under 18, we were required by law to provide him a home and also (in some ways) were held responsible for his actions; this made it more difficult to detach and have him face consequences.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
I have found that Alanon is supportive of parents of addicts. In fact, my AD was the one who suggested that I try a meeting and she even went with me.
There is a Families Anonymous near me also. I have not gone to that meeting but I understand that attendance is growing unfortunately as a result of more prescription med abuse and heroin in the suburbs.
There is a Families Anonymous near me also. I have not gone to that meeting but I understand that attendance is growing unfortunately as a result of more prescription med abuse and heroin in the suburbs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
If a parent can stand back and lovingly allow the teen to experience the full impact of their behavior and choices, that's a great step toward detachment.
Thank you all for your replies. I know how helpless I have felt when dealing with my qualifier who is an adult and who I am not responsible for...it has to be so much harder when it's someone for whom you are legally responsible.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
For me, the alanon meetings have a pretty fair mixture of parents and spouses. However, the Naranon meetings I attended seem to be more parents then spouses.
Anaya, I completely understand the frustration of having a teen under 18 who is protected by law, KNOWS it and uses it!!
Anaya, I completely understand the frustration of having a teen under 18 who is protected by law, KNOWS it and uses it!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
