soberbrooke

I have been telling my boys to just ask me, and I will tell them the truth about everything, since I just broke up with my XABF last month. It is their dad, we just never got married. I keep on telling them what a great guy he is, but he is not!! He is a lying, cheating, stealing type of person that I don't want to be around. I really don't want my boys around him either!! But do we just lie in order to make them feel better or what?? His parents are right there with him. For example, one time he ran out of gas and he put some gas into his duly truck, and then his motor revved up and a loud bang occurred. He blew his engine. He and his father the lied to the insurance company and it was all on tape from the insurance company, and he got a new engine out of it. I was appalled and tried to leave him after he did that, but I was so far into my drinking that I still felt stuck. He admits to raping me when I was passed out in our bed, I feel like every-time we had sex he was raping me, just to get his rocks off. No love there. He always parks at the home Depot right in the front of the store where you shouldn't park, he claims he spends so much money there he can park where he wants to.
He is is an entitlement attitude, everyone owes him, and if they are not going to give it to him, then he is going to take it.
Do I continue to tell my boys what a great person he is, and let them find out for themselves one day or tell them the truth? This is a hard one, I guess I should just tell them he is a great father to them??

mayan

I learned something along the way in my life. GOOD or BAD, you have to let them know. there are ways to let your children know that their dad isn't perfect. To the point that they wouldn't hate him. It is entirely a different story between you and your Ex, their father. If you continue to instill good values to your kids during their formative years, they will grow up really smart and strong. Sooner or later, let them bring their own judgment as to what kind of father they have. Don't let them hate him because of what you said, but let them give what's due for their father on what they see.

PrayingMama

When you live your life with integrity, your children notice. When you don't, they will notice that, too. What you tell them depends on their ages and maturity level. The message, however you express it, is basically that you choose to conduct yourself with dignity and respect, for yourself and for others. People who lie, cheat and steal have a cloud of ugliness around and within them. The healthier you become, and the more your children move toward health and maturity, the more they will sense and be repelled by the "smallness" of dishonesty, how it really does diminish you as a person, how cowardly it is, how destructive, dishonorable and, ultimately, pathetic.

No need to tell your children that their father is "great." Also no need to discredit him or list his shortcomings. Time will do that, and much more meaningfully and effectively than you ever could.

Honesty is the key. You choose to live your life according to different values, and you can certainly name them. And if your husband really is a "great father" to his sons, then there is no need to say anything about that. Though I'm not sure that "great" fathers live their lives without honor...

LoveMeNow

I think it's important and much easier to talk about MY core values. Trust and honesty! You can do this without putting their father down as he will do that on his own.

But I would not lie for him!!

FireSprite

How old are your boys?

We separated when my daughter was around 4 1/2 and I struggled greatly with this but ultimately decided that honesty was really the best policy. Partly because I can't lie very well & she'd see right through me but also because I felt like once that happened, her trust in ME would be shattered.

Anything I wasn't comfortable talking about in detail we just referred to as "Bad Choices", which, at 4-5 yrs old, she understood the concept of very well.

SadHeart

Lying will not make them feel better.

You just tell the truth. Stop telling them he's a great guy when he isn't. That makes you a liar. They know he's not a great guy. They know something's wrong. You are invalidating what they observe and feel--and teaching them to doubt their intuition and their perception.

Keep it simple. Stick to facts without judgment. It's okay to say, "What daddy did made me sad/angry" because that is a fact. They can see you are sad or angry.

If he lies, admit he lies, etc... If you don't know, say you don't know. Nothing wrong with that. It's a fact.

Your boys will be around him according to the judge's decree and your ex's willingness to parent. It's out of your control. Let this go.

This is between him, his dad and the insurance company. Not your problem.

If you make excuses for your behavior while drinking, it seems hypocritical to criticize him for his behavior while drinking. I guess he's just so far into his drinking he feels stuck too.

And of course, this is nothing you'd ever discuss with your kids or to people who might pass on the information to your kids.

You have to take some responsibility for your part in your 'victimization'. You chose to stay in a marriage that felt loveless, you chose to drink to the point of passing out. He chose to take advantage of your vulnerability, he chose to rape. You both chose to stay in a bad marriage. Maybe your sexual and emotional needs were not being met, but clearly SOME needs were being met--or you would not have stayed.

This is Home Depot's problem, not yours. You are wasting your time fretting about this.

Not your problem any more! Feels good, doesn't it?

You don't tell them the WHOLE truth (they don't need to know about the raping, and they aren't going to ask). You keep it age appropriate and are careful you don't lean on them for emotional support. Consider a group that helps children. Rainbows is in our area and it's very good.

If he's not a great father, don't tell them he is: they know he's not. What will happen is they just won't trust you any more. They'll think you are crazy.

Ann

Depending on their age, I think I would tell them that their daddy loves them but has a drug problem that is making him sick and behave badly. Let them know that his bad behaviour has nothing to do with them, that it is what addiction can do to a person.

Children need to be able to talk about important things in their lives, good or bad. And they deserve a version of the truth appropriate for their age.

Good luck. It must be very hard to raise children on your own and protect them from bad things in the world,

Hugs

LoveMeNow

Many abused woman stay in relationships - not because they chose to! They are victims of ABUSE! Please don't blame the victim for staying longer then you find acceptable!!

wow04

I don't put my children's father down. I don't praise him either. 2 of my kids are too young to mention that their dad has an alcohol problem. If asked a question I am as honest as I can be without putting him down. It can be hard at times, but I do it for them. They will see the truth as they get older.

hello-kitty

"Daddy loves you but he's sick in his brain and his sickness causes him to make bad choices. His choices probably hurt your feelings. They hurt my feelings too. But you know what? No matter what choices your daddy makes, you will always be ok. I will always take care of you. I will love you forever. And if you have any questions, I will answer them as best and honestly as I can, even though it might be hard for you to understand the answers."

And that's the god's honest truth.

Windmills

You have to take some responsibility for your part in your 'victimization'. You chose to stay in a marriage that felt loveless, you chose to drink to the point of passing out. He chose to take advantage of your vulnerability, he chose to rape. You both chose to stay in a bad marriage. Maybe your sexual and emotional needs were not being met, but clearly SOME needs were being met--or you would not have stayed.


SadHeart this is a shockingly ignorant statement. I stayed in an abusive relationship through FEAR, CONFUSION, DESPERATION. I don't feel my needs were met when he dragged me round by my hair, threatened me with a knife at my throat or raped me. I didn't feel good about myself or fulfilled. I felt guilty, ashamed, scared, confused, I just didn't understand. The web an abusive man spins is huge and all consuming.
Please don't pass judgement on something you don't understand. Sometimes it's better not to comment if you don't understand something, if I went back 6 months your comment would have cut me to shreds.

Jody675

the sad truth is that many don't realise they have choices. they just think this is what they deserve. I'm glad you got out brooke. would have taken a lot of courage.

as for your kids, just keep it simple and honest. make sure you live your life with the values you wish to instil in your kids, and talk about people who make bad choices and how that affects lives too. your good example will help them more than telling them the truth about their dad. they probably already know it anyway. if they want to talk to you, then keep it simple and answer their questions honestly, without malice. they will make their own minds up.

SadHeart

I too was in an absive marriage for 14 years. I understand. When I was pregnant with my second my ex held me upside down by one ankle and banged my head on the floor while my 1 year old stood in his crib and watched. I remember ever minute of that incident, the dimness of the room, the light coming in from the hallway the crazy thoughts that go through your head when you are upside down looking at your toddler standing in his bed with his little fingers clutching the railing.

I remember what I thought as I was being choked. The Screaming and sabotage (knocking all the food and dishes off the table) at every holiday. The dependency of having no job and 3 babies under four and being forbidden to leave the county with my children by the court.

I know how abuse doesn't hurt at the time it happens, you see stars but feel no pain, and the terror is missing because this is someone who loves you and you love.

I know what it feels like to have hands around your throat and how you don't really believe you are going to die even though you are losing consciousness because after all he loves you and he's jsut having a spell.

I know what it's like to be shoved in a closet which he holds shut and just resigning myself to waiting him out because I have no other choice and making myself comfortable among the smelly boots and the smell of the damp leather jackets and the dark.

i know what it's like to have 7 police drag him out of my house twice in one night alternating tazering and and macing him after he broke his thumb to get out of the handcuffs and beaned one of them--and how I casually put my expensive lamps on the living room floor to keep them from being broken in the ensuing scuffle, because after all there were 7 police officers there and not just me alone and the fight going on in my living room was under control.

Why on earth do you think I don't know what it's like to live in an abusive marriage?

Windmills

Girl let's not play one upmanship, its unhealthy.
For someone who has lived it I actually think worse of your comment. Victim blaming is awful.. Victim blaming from another victim? Maybe you should think about where you're actually coming from with that.