FifiRhubarb

I have been struggling the past couple of days with feeling like the love I have for my ABF (well, we are not really together at the moment) is gone. I don't feel the same spark I did with him before he went off on me a couple weeks ago. Well, actually, I think I was already feeling somewhat numb toward him before that. I just felt tired and drained from everything he has put me through, and I remember telling my friend that I felt it would "organically" end.

Then when we had our latest incident (or, really, he had HIS latest incident) and I thought I had no choice but to break up with him, I all of a sudden felt like I couldn't deal with losing him, I loved him too much, we were meant to be together, etc.

But the last few days I have realized more and more that I don't know if I feel the same love for him anymore. I'm not sure if it's because I have barely seen him and so we pretty much are broken up. But I have wanted to feel this way for so long, but now that I do feel this way, I am terrified.

Fathom

Thank you for posting this. I have been struggling for the last few days to describe how I'm feeling, and I think you just did! I am a bit further along than you in that I have not lived with my XAH for 8 months and have not heard a peep out of him in 3 months (not since he emailed that he wanted a divorce). I have been moving on with my life - found a job in a different state, bought a car, rented a house, going on hikes, etc. I still think about him often though, and I wonder what I / he could do differently so that we could come back together. I keep coming to the conclusion that there's nothing I want to be different. I don't actually want to be with him. I'm enjoying playing my own quirky French cafe music in my house without getting an earful from XAH about how boring it is (or, actually being able to play it at all). It sounds petty, but really it's just the tip of the iceberg. My life is my own right now, and I'm loving it.

I'm not sure I'm terrified of that realization, but I do find it uncomfortable and confusing. But, don't I love him? We had so much in common! He was the perfect mix of self-sufficient, athletic, brainy, and creative. He challenged me to reach in new directions. Well, except I don't actually like some of those directions. And, he wouldn't accept no as an answer. See my confusion? I keep spinning in circles with those arguments.

But, I can accept that that is where my brain is right now. I'm not about to act on any of these temporary thoughts of getting back together with him. That's actually one of the reasons I read so much on SR. I get reminded daily of why I'm not with him now.

I think it's important to be aware of and understand the feelings we are having, or not having (as the case may be). I remember soon after I left him having a similar feeling that you describe though. At that time, I was actually just extremely angry. I was so angry that my brain refused to acknowledge any feelings with regard to my AH. I was just numb... indifferent. I wasn't even crying anymore. I wasn't really doing much of anything. It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist that I realized I hadn't fully dealt with my feelings on certain topics (I still haven't). I surprised myself by making full use of the tissues in my therapists office on multiple occasions. Somehow, being given the opportunity to talk in full, out loud, about my experiences helped me feel again, if only for that hour. It made me understand that there was more there. I've been told often to "Be patient" and "More will be revealed." That applies to yourself as much as to your A.

Take care,
Fathom

Learn2Live

Thank you for this. I realize that in living with AXBF, I was unable to discuss any issues regarding our relationship with him and so everything would just keep piling up until I would explode during a stressful time when I just could not handle things. He always had things to do and would basically just overlook me. Whenever he would talk to me, it was always about him and what he had going on, what he was doing, what his problems and concerns were. Whenever I would try to speak, he would interrupt me or it seemed his eyes would roll back in his head or something. If I was able to get a word in edge-wise and calmly talk about the problem, he would reply with something like, "Well I just suck," or something like that. We could never discuss anything objectively or come to any constructive agreement.

Thanks again for your post. It is helping me this morning.

Seren

What are you afraid of, Fifi? Perhaps on some level you liked the drama that he brought to your life and you miss that? Perhaps you feel that if your love for him could begin to fade then it wasn't real?

ZiggyB

Good morning,
I know the feeling. It is a bit scary when they are finally gone even though you knew deep down inside that things were not going to work. I have been struggling with the same stuff myself. Anyway you look at it, breakups are difficult and the person was serving some function in your life, probably keeping you from having to face being lonely, at least. After my AXBF's last "episode" I knew we would not be getting back together, I was partially relieved yet also terrified. Things do get easier.

transformyself

Pain, fear and being unloved was mostly what I knew growing up.

Today I am the adult. I am the grown up.

And today I choose love, joy and peace. you can too.

SoBroken

Fifi - I am walking in your shoes. For what its worth...I totally relate to everything u r saying. Do i understand these feelings?? nope. but for me, it at least helps to know im not alone. somedays im so stuck here on my pity pot, i tell myself "this is what God thinks i deserve. another relationship with another A. this is what He feels im worthy of" What a load of crap. What a cop out. I put myself here and no one else. He is there to give me the strength i need to pull myself out of yet another mess. its up to me to embrace that strength. and one day i will. for now...im soaking up the strength offered by all these amazing new friends i am finding right here.. God Bless. U are not alone. i know they r just words, and its not much, but its the best i have to offer rite now.

FifiRhubarb

Definitely don't like the drama he brings to my life. At ALL. I hate it. I just want to be in a normal, healthy, functional relationship. I think the second part of what you said rings true, though. Maybe not that it wasn't real, but that I simply don't want it to go away on some level. Maybe I think it will be the final straw for him (codependent much?). I know I deserve better. He is a good person in many ways, and nowhere near as bad as some of the horror stories I have heard. But that doesn't mean he knows how to be a good boyfriend. But at the same time when I think of a "normal" guy (i.e. not a felon like he is, and not a combat veteran like other guys I have been interested in), I have no interest. That scares me too, because it tells me I look for "damaged" people.

FifiRhubarb

Thank you everyone!!!

Buffalo66

My 2 year sober ex H has been gobe 4.5 months. I am still extricating myself emotionally.
We have Limited Contact for parenting issues.
He stalks me around when i have free nights.

When I see him, I still feel fleeting feelings.
And I have that fear of it really dying, really fizzling out.
MAybe when he takes on a new girl, or I find someone one day?

i do not know, but I do know that not having him and all of his anxiety and control issues in my daily life is SO MUCH BETTER than any thing that I fear losing.
I have regained so much SANITY, and bits of SERENITY.

I cherish it. It was sooooo missing in my world.

ANd the pangs of his control still grab me a little every time I make a move towrd greater emotional detached independence.

But, it has been 10 years, and I do not trust those feelings of wanting to hold on. Because I have been depleted and abused, and not cherished. And I have had habits construct themselves around that dysfunction.

Now, i am breaking those habits of need, fear, OBLIGATION, and guilt.

I want to live MY life, dammit.

I hope you can come to this, too. And I know it aint easy.
Good Post!

FifiRhubarb

Thank you Buffalo!! No it's not easy at all! What makes it difficult too is I feel mine doesn't try to control me at all. I think those who know both of us and see our relationship would agree with that. It's just all the stupid crap he does without thinking.

TakingCharge999

I broke up with an xabf. I was not his last straw.

The world did not end.

That was like 3 years ago. Today I am a much better person. I still got many wounds to heal. And many bad moments, days, and weeks. BUT overall I am just grateful for all of what I have lived.

I have learned, letting go is the only way to keep a person in your heart forever, the good moments and the lessons, the memories and the love shared. None of that dissapears.

It will get easier! Good for you for thinking about what YOU want. I am now single, healing myself. Just came back from yoga and feeling good

Bluebonnet1

Your feelings are normal. I've been apart from xaf going on a month now. I thought that based on the devastating way I felt when things ended that I needed to cut contact and move on. I've been spending time with him for support, but he's SO needy! I find that it's really not what I want, and maybe never did. Still sorting through the feelings, but maybe I've grown more than I thought.
I think to are strong enough to move on. Good luck to you!