FindingErica

They are refusing to call their dad. He can't call them because h doesn't have my cell number and the phone company keeps messing up on making my number private and unlisted, so I won't use that phone until the situation is resolved. This is the second time they have all refused and none of them wil say why, just answers like "I don't feel like it" and shrugging. I can't get them to talk about their dad at all or how they feel. They mostly just go on with their lives like he doesn't exist. I had a friend whose husband went to Afghanistan and her kids cried every night at bedtime. I don't know what to do with this situation and now I want to cry because I think my kids have become resigned to being abandoned. Or he was high around them so much when I was at work they are glad he is gone. I mean they were never terribly sad when he first left and things were fine. The other night I was packin some of AH stuff in a box and mentioned for him when he comes back. My son said "dad's coming back?" I said "he will come back eventually to see you, did you think he wouldn't?" and he answered, "that was a possibility in my mind." that is the most I have gotten one of them to say. How do I get them to share their feelings and thoughts? Is this normal?

LoveMeNow

I don't know if this is normal or not, but many kids do it. So I wouldn't exactly think it was abnormal.

I think kids think about it less then we do and just want peace. Talking to their father may mean drama to them and no kid wants that.

Also, your friend's husband went to a dangerous country and could get killed. Big difference. But there is no doubt in my mind, they know far more then you are telling them and I am sure they have anger toward him. They aren't deaf, dumb and blind.....like AH.

Either way, they do need to talk about it so maybe you should find them all a good therapist.

Learn2Live

Why would any clean and sober person want to speak with someone who is high all the time? I very rarely spoke with my father; he was DRUNK. It sucks being a kid or a teenager and having an addicted father. If you ask them why they don't want to talk to their father and they shrug their shoulders, maybe they don't know what to say, they just don't want to. HIS relationship with HIS children is HIS responsibility, NOT yours. Don't you already have enough to worry about??

LoveMeNow

I commend you for caring about how your kids feel. They are hurting too and their feeling should not be ignored!!

soberbrooke

My ex is probably lying to my kids. They think dad hung the moon still. I will not tell them anything negative about their dad, which has been a little difficult. It is hard to see them "taking his side", but I have a feeling in the long run it will work out. I am just waiting.
It might be easier on me if they didn't want to speak with him, but they do. That is very selfish of me though, because it is not about them, it is about me and my happiness. And then I start to think "Am i being selfish because I left??" I am going through so many emotions right now, but I am getting through them.
I am just taking it one day at a time............

FindingErica

My children are mine to worry about; not just physical but emotional, spiritual and intellectual. It is an abnormal response for children to not wan to speak to their father and I would like to know what fears or worries or sadnesses might be in their heads. It is healthy for them to bottle their emotions.

oooopps

Did you consider maybe they feel that having contact with him hurts them? They've witnessed what this man has put you through. It's possible that they associate any contact with him with fear, chaos, and pain.

FindingErica

That's possible. When he left for TX and we were still planning on going out there, they still did not miss him. He didn't seem to miss us either. I think kids can feel when someone is emotionally distant. They seemed relieved when i told them I had a home for us to move into. That wasnt the reaction i expected. My 15 year old who is developmentally disabled sometimes says she misses daddy, and the other two get irritated with her. That makes me feel bad, but even she didnt want to call tonight. I think i saw a change in the two younger ones after the last call 2 1/2weeks ago, my son cried for 10 minutes but nobody would tell me what was talked about. Then after he shut off my cell they were very aware because i had to take them to the cell store and i believe they overheard everything between me and the sales clerk. I'm still pretty worried about them.

cangel2

I think that you are right to be concerned - it's a normal reaction a parent would have. I will say that I have had some experience with kids who refuse to speak with a parent. Sometimes they do it to protect the relationship with the parent who is present, sometimes they do it to avoid pain....sometimes it is just all too confusing and not talking seems easiest.

If I were in your position I would find a therapist for each of them to talk to individually. Let them have a safe place to talk about their feelings/thoughts confidentially. As a kid I would have loved that option!! I got stuck between my parents stuff from a very early age.....not fun......and as a kid you really don't know how to manage that on your own.

Hugs to you! Great that you are looking out for them!!!

Learn2Live

I don't understand how you can say your children are being abnormal. I think what is abnormal is a man who is high all the time. Let me ask you, do YOU want to speak with him??

FindingErica

No but he has a different relationship with the kids then he does with me. The situation itself is abnormal in its entirety. I was wondering if this was a usual response other people have witnessed from their children and what to do about it.

FindingErica

The last time the kids saw him their relationship with him appeared to be ok, or no different then it was before. Things have changed while he has been gone, when things went sour between me and him, when I found put how bad his drug use was, him not being employed, the mess with the house out there. I am worried that my stress and upset has affected them more than anything. But it may just be the situation they are witnessing. By and large if a child does not want to speak to a parent, something is going on but I think my kids do not feel comfortable sharing with me. I get a lot of extra hugs and cuddles from them though.

When I was a child my mother had a schizophrenic break with reality. My parents divorced and my father got custody. This was very traumatizing and I used to be afraid that my dad would disappear. I never had anyone to talk to about this to help me sort it out. My mother was erratic and strange at times, but I don't recall ever refusing to speak to her. There were times I was leery of speaking to her but I had reasons that I told my dad and stepmom. I just want to protect them best as possible from psychological trauma. I also dont know how much they have seen or witnessed from their father as far as erratic behavior, so they need someone to talk to about that as they seem unwilling to talk to me about it.

Ann

Listen to your children and respect their wishes on this one. They may be angry or feel abandoned, or they may fear him or perhaps had an experience with him or talking with him that made them feel awful.

They may miss him, they may be angry, they may have been abused (this happens too often when the mother doesn't know and the children are afraid to talk about it), or they may just want to move ahead and not live in the fear of "what if" dad comes home.

My son's ex stopped letting him contact his boy because it was taking an emotional toll on the child. My son was not consistant and often missed planned visits, he didn't know how to relate to his son as his son grew from a baby to a child, and the poor boy was far better off with no contact at all.

My prayers go out for you and your children. This must be hard for all of you.

Hugs

Kindeyes

There is nothing normal about addiction and I'm guessing that the kids understand this better than you may think they do.

They may not be comfortable sharing their feelings with you because they may feel that it makes them responsible for any further rift between you and your husband. Giving them the opportunity to discuss their feelings with a therapist may be the kindest and most beneficial (and loving) thing you can do for them.

gentle hugs
ke

Learn2Live

I watched as AXBF's kids did this. They shunned him. They were afraid of him. They spent their entire lives in their house with their drunk, drugged up parents screaming and yelling at eachother. Their mother accused him of domestic violence and he went to jail for it. Nevermind that he was found innocent when the mother later opted not to testify against him. Kids can only take so much.

laurie6781

I do believe that what your children are doing right now is 'normal' for the
situation they are in.

I agree with KE and it is probably time to find them a 'therapist' of their
own, that they can become comfortable with, that they can and will open
up to (it is not mom, it is a 'neutral' 3rd party that is there for THEM). The
therapist will then be able to tell you, not revealing their shares, but areas
where some work may need to be done.

For whatever reasons, they just do not want to speak with their father for
now, and that is okay in my book.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

outtolunch

Maybe they don't like Helen Keller

Seriously now...addiction has consequences. That your kids want nothing to do with him is one of them. Respect their wishes. I am another who thinks that some therapy is in order to help them understand that their father's behaviors are not their fault and no reflection on them. They are worthy of being loved. Darn shame that their bio dad is lost to addiction. Not much any of you can do about it.

Knitter

My father was not a good man and yet I loved him. He was my father. I didn't talk to him because I wanted him to hurt-Just like he hurt me. It may be this is what happening with your children. Of course I don't know.

I had two thoughts when I read your post. It might help for you to say to your children, "I am wondering if you are feeling sad/mad when it's time to call your dad?" Giving them words for their feelings sometimes helps.

I don't know their dad's situation, but is having your children write a note/draw a picture an option?

And as others have said, I have always found therapy worth the investment.

FindingErica

I don't force. I offer and if they say yes, then they call and if they say no, they don't call.

LoveMeNow

You are doing great job. Divorce is hard enough without the sickness of addiction. Your kids are lucky to have such a concerned mother.

I hope you are not feeling attacked by some of the responses. Take what you need and leave the rest.