Is this normal for kids?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
My daughter is the same way.. She is 22 and has not wanted to have much to do with her dad since she was 14.. He smoked pot with her when she turned 18 and she hates him for it now, among other things... He has blamed me for this, but the truth is, I have erred on the side of encouraging her to connect with him... She has been in and out of treatment for the past 2 years and has tried to deal with her feelings about him... He called and talked to her counselor once and was impaired.. They advised her not to talk to him.. She is in treatment now and for the first time asked me to tell him "Hi"... She has asked that he not call her.. Not sure what the change is.. I think it must be some healing. I don't know how it will play out,, I am going to be passive in this.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by FindingErica 
They are refusing to call their dad. He can't call them because h doesn't have my cell number and the phone company keeps messing up on making my number private and unlisted, so I won't use that phone until the situation is resolved. This is the second time they have all refused and none of them wil say why, just answers like "I don't feel like it" and shrugging. I can't get them to talk about their dad at all or how they feel. They mostly just go on with their lives like he doesn't exist. I had a friend whose husband went to Afghanistan and her kids cried every night at bedtime. I don't know what to do with this situation and now I want to cry because I think my kids have become resigned to being abandoned. Or he was high around them so much when I was at work they are glad he is gone. I mean they were never terribly sad when he first left and things were fine. The other night I was packin some of AH stuff in a box and mentioned for him when he comes back. My son said "dad's coming back?" I said "he will come back eventually to see you, did you think he wouldn't?" and he answered, "that was a possibility in my mind." that is the most I have gotten one of them to say. How do I get them to share their feelings and thoughts? Is this normal?
You sound like a wonderful mother, and its a really tough situation that you have been put in. I think your kids are normal.... beyond the open communication your already doing with them, I would also suggest some counseling maybe so they can express their feelings about the whole situation and not feel like they are betraying anyone.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
My daughter is 22 and a daddy's girl she has recently backed off a lot on talking to him at first I tried to get her too talk to him (my codie) then I realized she is an adult now and it is her decision, I believe minor children have defense modes as well as confusion and I also agree therapy is probably the best thing for them.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
every child reacts differently to stress, and it sounds like your kids have had to deal with a lot of stress. my kids dad is good at telling my kids what they want to hear for it sounds so much better, but they live in constant disappointment. they have learned to just roll with it, and not have too high expectations. which is sad, but not much they can do about it.
the best thing you can do is let them know that you are there if they want to talk. don't force them to do anything they don't want to. get legal advise about the situation, and go for soul custody. it should be about protecting your kids and letting them know you are there if they want to share anything. being honest with them about the situation would help too. their dad is sick, but if they ask direct questions give them direct and honest answers. kids respect honesty, and will come and talk to you if they know you are going to give them honest information without guilt.
just keep them safe and they will feel fine.
the best thing you can do is let them know that you are there if they want to talk. don't force them to do anything they don't want to. get legal advise about the situation, and go for soul custody. it should be about protecting your kids and letting them know you are there if they want to share anything. being honest with them about the situation would help too. their dad is sick, but if they ask direct questions give them direct and honest answers. kids respect honesty, and will come and talk to you if they know you are going to give them honest information without guilt.
just keep them safe and they will feel fine.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I do not know the ages of your children. Quickly glancing through the posts, I do not see where Alateen was mentioned. If you are going to Al-Anon (which I hope you are) and your children are in the right age group then ask about local Alateen meetings in your area.
There's something about sitting in a room with other people one's age who are experiencing similar emotions in reaction to a parent's substance use/abuse that is very healing. So if Alateen is not an option then perhaps the therapy option will help. Whatever you do, do something for them. They have stuff going on their heads that will cause them damage if it is not given a chance to get out in a healing atmosphere.
There's something about sitting in a room with other people one's age who are experiencing similar emotions in reaction to a parent's substance use/abuse that is very healing. So if Alateen is not an option then perhaps the therapy option will help. Whatever you do, do something for them. They have stuff going on their heads that will cause them damage if it is not given a chance to get out in a healing atmosphere.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
They at 11 and 9, my 15 year old is developmentally disabled. I haven't spoken to them about AH's drug addiction, he begged me not to tell them. But I think they have overheard talk about it. I'm actually not sure how to broach the subject or tell them.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I tried to protect my kids and my husband but my kids knew far more then I thought. In hindsight, I wasn't protecting my kids or my husband, I was protecting his disease.
In fact, my husband recently told me that my son had found his pills. Also, all of us (husband too) went to meet with our Pastor to discuss it and the kids and I saw a therapist. Never once did my son tell me what he had found.
IMHO, your husband has no right to ask you not to be 100% honest with your kids. After my daughter found out that my husband was still taking pills and I made him move out, she, unbeknown to me at the time, went to his hotel and confronted him. She vowed to cut him out her life FOREVER if he continued to use drugs. (May be just a coincidence, but it wasn't long after that my husband hit his bottom and starting to get serious about his recovery. I have not asked him what got him there and he hasn't offered).
I completely agree with the saying "you are only as sick as you secrets."
In fact, my husband recently told me that my son had found his pills. Also, all of us (husband too) went to meet with our Pastor to discuss it and the kids and I saw a therapist. Never once did my son tell me what he had found.
IMHO, your husband has no right to ask you not to be 100% honest with your kids. After my daughter found out that my husband was still taking pills and I made him move out, she, unbeknown to me at the time, went to his hotel and confronted him. She vowed to cut him out her life FOREVER if he continued to use drugs. (May be just a coincidence, but it wasn't long after that my husband hit his bottom and starting to get serious about his recovery. I have not asked him what got him there and he hasn't offered).
I completely agree with the saying "you are only as sick as you secrets."
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