lala27

Stbex is scheduled to leave Aug 1. I really need to have a plan in place for how to handle the situation with my 4 year old. She is in bed early and is shielded from most of what is going on. Him & I live mostly seperate lives so there isn't much tension around the house. Dd & I are both active and go out & live full lives. She is only 4, but is very bright and aware and knows things arent going so great at home. It won't be a terrible shock to her that he isn't living with us anymore, but she certainly doesn't understand what is going on. Like any daughter, she loves him very much & they are very close. For the first time in her life she has started to act very clingy with us. She is usually outgoing and an explorer. I am sure this is a reaction to what is going on with us. To add to things, I am starting nursing school & she will be in preschool in Sept., so that it another big adjustment for her.

It would really help to hear any advice or stories from other parents in this situation. I want to make this as easy as possible for dd & I just don't don't how to handle single motherhood, it's a big adjustment for everyone.

Katiekate

If it were me, I would answer all her questions as honestly as possible, if I wanted to open a conversation with her I would ask her if she had an questions. I'm sure she will bring it up.

She will be fine, you sound like an awesome mom.

Seren

Hello lala,

I'm sorry you are going through this

I have no similar experience to share, but I found a post in Cynical One's blog that might have some useful information. It's about how to talk to children about a spouse's addiction problem.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...addiction.html

I hope it will help you as you talk to your precious little girl!

Learn2Live

I don't know how much a 4 year old will be able to understand about alcoholism. I do remember that my mother always told me my father had a disease and he was sick. I don't think a 4 year old will be able to understand much more than that. Perhaps it is best to limit your conversations about it to that, and explain to her that daddy has to go so he can get the care he needs and get better.

She is going to feel the loss just as greatly if not moreso than we adults would. I believe she will think it is her fault or that she has done something to cause this, or that it is because there is something wrong with her. Please read about children and divorce and how it affects them, and what steps you should take to help her to cope. You may want to consult a child psychologist before he moves out, giving it enough time for you to have appropriately prepared your daughter for the day he leaves.

Thank you for considering how this will affect your child.

sweetteewalls

My AH left in May and we have a 4 year old daughter so this hits close to home. Its an age where she can understand but not deeply enough. You have to just love her, make your time with her as quality as possible. My therapist said I have to validate her feelings..if she says "I miss my daddy." Say "I know you do and you will see him in 2 days" or whatever arrangement you have. When you feel weak, like I do, I just read about the Adult Children of Alcoholics (like my AH is) and I tell myself I don't want to saddle my daughter with that baggage. I have to be strong for her. It is NOT easy especially when it "seems" like everyone else is a happy family but remember you are doing the right thing not to expose her to anymore drama and chaos, even if it was no interaction. Your daughter needs to see a husband and wife are loving, not living separate lives...God bless you and my prayers are with you and your family.

marie1960

I would arrange for her to be away from the home when he is physically removing his belongings.

We can not predict how that is going to go.

SoaringSpirits

Hugs to you. What a tough situation.

I have four kids (most are teens) and what I've found has been really helpful in supporting them through their parents living apart is lots of routine. I kept their established routines as much as possible (it was actually easier without the chaos my AH perpetuated). I also added some new routines they look forward to: Every other Monday is Pizza Night. On Thursdays we have dinner at my parents' home. On Fridays we clean the house.

The routine staying steady has also helped me a great deal as well.

Also, any moving of AH's belongings was/is done when they are not around.

lala27

Thanks all for the input, I have a lot of thinking to do about this, still not Sure what I am going to say about everything or when I will say it. I know if he does leave in the 1st he won't make a scene or anything, so I'm not concerned about that. This is all completely new territory to me & I feel so lost righ now.

GettingBy

What made the transition easier for my kids (5 and 4) was gettin my recovery going strong!! And then I got them in with a pediatric counselor who specialized in alcoholic family systems. It was important that they have someone to talk to about daddy... Someone who wasnt me bc otherwise they would feel like they were betraying him to me. As sick as their father is... He IS their one and only father and they need and want to love him freely. I had to learn how to support that for them without enabling him or putting them in harms way. Very tough... But possible.

Keeping it simple in all our communications regarding the split was an absolute must. That and emphasizing that this is NOT their fault. Kids if not given a valid explanation will instinctively assume liability so it's critical they are told how much they are loved and that they did nothing wrong.

Above all else... Be in the moment with them. Live, laugh and have fun. Don't sweat the small stuff and that will be the best gift you can give them!!

FireSprite

I totally second the truth as much as possible.... my DD was about this same age when AH & I separated & I know that staying truthful with her (as much as possible, in ways she can understand) is what helped her stay grounded & feeling safe at home when things changed. Luckily for me AH was also very dedicated to DD so he made time to help her adjust, but ultimately he also disappointed her often too. (because A's almost always do, whether they mean to or not.) It helped to be able to be honest with her, keep her expectations reasonable & be her safe place whenever she would get overwhelmed or sensitive. And when she got upset with him, it helped to just be able to listen & comfort her.... and let her know that she was justified in her emotions.

She's a smart kid so trying to hide or downplay stuff around her wasn't ever going to work & I wanted to show her the most possible respect. (My niece is much older but less mature & for her we stayed truthful, but downplayed a lot because it was easier for her to digest.) I also very much believe that it laid a great foundation of trust between us and is a big part of how close we continue to be even now, when she's just turned 8 yrs.