Telemark

I am a functional alcoholic. I'm fairly certain no one has any idea. I have a good job, which I do well at. But sometimes, I can feel the sweat oozing out of my pores in the morning and can't help but think they must smell it on me. I have a wife, who as far as she knows, I only drink one a night. But that's just the beer I have, not the vodka I put in my ice water. She has a terminal disease and is usually in bed by 8pm due to exhaustion. It hangs over my head like a dark cloud and there will be no good ending. She goes to treatments out of town and every couple of months and I will take the time off as vacation and go on a bender for days. I'm struggling, because while I'm killing myself, it is not affecting my professional life or personal life in any significant way. However, I hate myself for what I'm doing. I can't continue to kill myself and lie to everyone. Sometimes, I feel so horrible in the morning that I think about drifting my car in to the other lane. I don't sleep much and I'm always anxious when I'm not drinking. I'm exhausted and bloated like a dead fish. But without any kind of rock bottom, it's hard to get the motivation to change. AA meetings are also not an option, which makes things more difficult.

Is there anything you guys and tell me that might save me? I'm really at a loss. I'm drinking as I type this.

Veritas1

I was taught that rock bottom is the point that you ask for help.

You are here, and asking for help, reaching out.

Rock bottom doesn't have to be about circumstances.

The bottom is when you ask God for help, ask for help from others, and desire change.

I am sorry you are going through your wife's illness. Destroying yourself won't help.

We have a book in AA called Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. In Step One, the writer talks about how we have warped our minds into such an obsession for destructive drinking.

That's how I feel about it.

The good news, is that we can "un-warp" our minds.

We can change.

It will be rough the first days, but hang in there. Recovery starts with day one.

Pick a day, and go for it.

Dee74

I'm really sorry for your situation Telemark - I can only guess how hard it is to take care of a loved one with a terminal disease.

The fact is tho - drinking doesn't help either of you - I'm sure that's not news to you.

I think it's clear you need support - not only for your drinking but for the pressure you're obviously under.

Would seeing a therapist be an option? They may at least be able to pffer professional support and suggest things for both problems?

I know you'll find a lot of support and ideas here too

D

DAB

Can I ask why AA meetings are not an option?

Telemark

Yes, I could see a therapist and that's probably a good idea. The irony is that I work in addictions counseling and no one I work with knows that I am struggling myself. I could not attend AA meetings because I live in a very small town and attending meetings with any of my clients would violate boundary ethics that I agreed to as a condition of my job.

Telemark

I just answered that below.

Praise7

You may be surprised by who may already know


You may want to check on that. I lived in a very small town. The counselors were not able to sponsor clients but were very much encouraged to attend meetings with the clients. AA in autonomous. It is the very essence of the program.

Telemark

I've heard it from the CEO of the agency and I've seen it enforced. The issue is not confidentiality, the issue is clients and staff sharing personal information which would violate boundary ethics.

ultrabunny

I can relate to your post. Trying to hide this addiction is exhausting. I classed myself as 'functioning' for years but recently it's starting to really interfere with work, friends etc.

For the first time I can see that this is going to take everything from me in the not too distant future.

I can't offer you advice because I'm in a similar situation but I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

CarolD

Sorry your wife is so very ill...prayers to both of you for peace
and comfort during this difficult situation.

I do remember that awful odor when I was an active alcoholic.
I usually took 3 showers before work sprayed on scent
and still I reeked. The good news is that stopped with sobreity..

Taking off work to drink? Yes I did that too.

And I proudly proclaimed "I am keeping the fun into functional
alcoholic" How :crazy: that seems now.

Please know there is no wrong way to quit drinking...many members
here are doing that useing a variety of ideas concepts and
methods. Others like me found our solution within AA.

I hope you find your way out of alcoholism before you slide down
farther. Joining SR can be your start.

IndaMiricale

I would just like to say welcome, I think you found a good place.

NoFireWater

Telemark, I'm glad you've found your way here. I understand about AA meetings in a small town with a job like yours. You might be able to find online AA meetings for support where you don't have to leave the house. This place will give you plenty of comfort and suggestions too.

It's incredibly hard being a caretaker under any circumstances. Your situation is among the worst. Trying to care for your wife, knowing there will not be a good outcome has got to be heartbreaking and overwhelming. Adding your feelings of desperation re drinking it must become unimaginably hard. It will be a gift for you both if you can abstain from booze and let your moments together be lucid, calm, and peaceful. I care for an elderly mom with dementia and I can tell you these past 4 days sober have made everything in our routine easier to handle. I've had the feeling I can handle it all, as opposed to the opposite feeling I usually have. I'm finally getting good sleep again, and am less bloated too. I wish this for you as well!

Hang in there!

MalkavianEmily

Welcome Telemark. I too live in a small town in the middle of nowhere. [Actually it's in the middle of Britain (almost literally), but I digress] Most of the meetings I go to take an hour or more to get to on the bus, as there are only two within walking distance, and one that is just a short bus trip away.

I was sure nobody knew I was drinking because nobody ever said anything. But just because nobody says anything doesn't mean they haven't noticed. Actually, I have no idea whether they noticed or not, and I'm not going to ask them. Because I've quit now.
But yes, I'm told there are alternatives to AA. If you can't get to a more distant meeting, maybe try one of them?

2granddaughters

What would you as an addiction counselor advise your client to do if he/she was in your position?

If I was in such dire straights as you say you are I would get recovery and let the job go if I had to. Actually, I did have to twice in my life. It all worked out.
AA worked for me. Good luck with your choice.

All the best.

Bob R

Telemark

.

PaperDolls

I don't have your specific experience but I can relate to the feelings of shame and guilt you have. The only way I was able to work through those feelings and get to a point where I'm happy with my life was stopping drinking and working on me. For me that included AA.

You say that you're a functional alcoholic. Doesn't sound like it's the way you WANT to function. Time to change your definition of the word may be?

I wish you the best and hope you find some peace soon.