Zee

Hi there.
I'm from 'The Dark Side' of this forum I'm afraid
I'm in the stage of my own recovery where I feel compassion for the F&F of us 'alkis' we are selfish, but sick unfortunately, thats just the nature of it. I'll never understand why I got so bad. I'm a nice person, just a bit weak. I, personally isolated myself from people at the end, and my husband didn't enable me nor did he 'molly-coddle' me at any time. He did mention that it would be nice if he didn't have a dead wife though. Am quite grateful for that. I had to do it on my own. I found my bottom and had to be medically detoxed and treated for liver meltdown.

I also didn't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, I poured the stuff down my throat right? I also don't expect any help from others in my recovery, as I said, its my mess, I have to get out of it on my own.

I have all kinds of anxiety, but I'm learning to face them and not self medicate. I am also the daughter of an alcoholic father, he is a selfish man, he is the kind of person who thinks the world owes him a favour. My mother didn't drink or smoke but was taken by cancer 2 years ago. That was awful, maybe it was that and losing my job that pushed me over the edge.

What made me post this, is because of a previous post that I inadvertantly read in this section by a newly sober person who probably shouldn't have.

This is only personally speaking of me... everyone is different in their way of dealing with stuff. All that would have worked for me is 'tough love'... no nonsense, get off your bloody pity pot, you sniffling baby.

I also understand the 'detach with love' part now as well. Its so sad, but the only person who can deal with their addiction is themselves. You gotta want a better life. And F&F shouldn't be pulled down too, its not fair.

I'm not sure how this post will be received, you've probably heard it all before and there will be tumbleweeds blowing across this thread. Just wanted to get it out there. That I get it

Tuffgirl

Zee...welcome to the F&F forum at SR! I am so glad you posted this. Nerves are often raw and frayed when people find this forum. I know mine were, I was a porcupine for a few months last year. Still have those days, just not so often anymore...

That said, I have learned so much from those in recovery for addictions that I look forward to hearing your perspectives, and often hop to the alcoholism forum to read (and 12 step forum...I love it when Carol and Veritas post the dailies over there...)

Please come back anytime. I appreciate your honesty.
~T

HitRockBottom70

Zee, I also made a horrible mistake early in sobriety and posted a reply on this forum. It is an easy mistake to make when you look at "new posts". I knew my post was unhelpful to f&f of alcoholics and asked it be removed.

I just wanted to let you all know I do read your posts when time allows and that they really help me understand what my partner is likely feeling. I understand the anger and mistrust. i certainly spent years proving I cannot be trusted. How can I expect things to change in a few months.

I do not expect any "congratulations". I do not deserve it yet. Maybe in a few years, but not now. Just know the replies to Chris were very helpful for me, especially the harsh ones. I am sorry if the thread caused pain to any of you. I wish you all nothing but the best.

Learn2Live

When I face myself and my own alcoholism, and truly accept that I am powerless over alcohol, and I am strong enough to take my own inventory, it doesn't bother me one bit what others might say about alcoholics and addicts. I remove the guilt and shame that I feel, I let go of the illusion of control, and I accept responsibility for my own actions and give them over to my Higher Power.

Do you come here out of guilt? Or to defend your own self?

Get a program.

EnglishGarden

Thank you for your post and welcome.

I read the Substance Abuse and the Alcoholism forums regularly and have done so for the past few years. It has been enormously helpful for me to do so, as I learn there about the family disease of addiction.

It is very common for codependents to post on those forums and to pose questions to the addicts about the drug use of a loved one and about the codependent's pain from being abandoned by an addict. And without fail, I have always read compassionate responses and good advice from the addicts about how the codependent can best take care of herself or himself. In fact, some of their responses have changed me in deep and lasting ways. ( There is also always a gentle nudge from an addict member for the codependent to seek help at the F&F forum, as that is the most appropriate place for support).

A codependent who centers her life around an addict is other-centered just as an addict is self-centered. The mirroring of addict behavior and codependent behavior is frequently written about by doctors and counselors in the field. It is often called "the dance."

But some codependents on the F&F forum have recovery issues complicated by the brutal physical and mental abuse from addicts who have hard-wired psychological disorders underneath the addiction. So the "mirroring" that counselors write about is not accurate in such cases, because those addicts are severely mentally ill, extremely dangerous, and always will be, and the "dance" between that addict and the codependent is not a dance, it is an assault. And there is no hope but the permanent separation of the codependent from the addict.

Here we try to sort out reality from illusion so that a codependent's fog can graually clear and she or he can make the best decisions for survival and growth.

And if a recovering addict's sharing on this forum can contribute to that, I welcome his or her post.

outonalimb

Zee,

Thanks for your post.

I divorced my exah but I am still trying to 'recover' from my codependence. I didn't know it at the time but I now realize that I was just as sick as he was. I compromised my own well being, financial security, and mental health to *help* him. My son spent most of his first 12 years growing up in a very toxic, unstable environment.

A few months ago, I cut off all contact with my exah. I have FINALLY left my exah to deal with his alcoholism alone. No more forced rehabs. No more forced psych wards. I'd be lying if I didn't say I"m overcome by fear. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid that one of these days, I'm going to get 'the call' that he has drank himself to death or died in a car accident or killed himself. I worry about how this will effect our son and how I will handle it when it happens.

Your post gives me a bit of hope. Maybe he will recover. It also reaffirms that I'm doing the right thing. I KNOW in my head I'm doing the right thing but sometimes my heart says otherwise. Thanks for the reassurance. It helps alot.

congrats on your recovery. I'm happy for you and I'll say a prayer that it continues for you.

Mary

Katiekate

Welcome, and thank you for your post.

And congratulations on your sobriety, we do understand that your life is in turmoil just as much as ours is, how can it not be.

There is a lot of pain here on this forum, addicts are not immune to pain.

I personally appreciate your post and your thoughts, it is always a comfort for me when one of the people from your side of the forum come here and tell it like it is, or acknowlege an understanding of our pain. So thanks, I am grateful.

Perhaps things get dicey here when addicts post, but one thing I do know is that we all grow because of it.

Be well, take tender care of yourself, know that we do care about all of you.

Contined health and healing to you all, Katie

Katiekate

Thanks for the post Hit, I disagree, you do deserve congratulations for your sobriety, everyday sober is a day closer .

I'm glad Chris posted here, it's always a learning experience for all of us. one of the things that always gives me hope is to see those of you here who are stuggling with addiction succeed.

take good care, Katie

FireSprite

Yes, I totally agree with this.

I have also spent many hours lurking & learning from the Alcoholism & other boards here as well. I feel like if we can learn from each other, respectfully, we all get a little further ahead & gain some perspective & balance. My AH struggles greatly with communication but many RA's here are further along with their sobriety, have gained better clarity & can share in a way that I am more receptive to. It helps ME to communicate better with AH & understand the things he shares about his experiences with AA, getting sober, staying sober & dealing with his past actions. Just my personal experience with SR so far.

It isn't always easy to read things you don't want to hear, but that's true for me no matter WHO is posting it. Hearing other's active experiences with their A's often trips triggers in me that I didn't realize I still had or thought I'd dealt with & moved on from.

m1k3

Just like in the alcoholics forum you will meet people at all levels of recovery. Some of us are still very raw while others are more centered. The posts of everyone are helpful, even those full of anger.

It gives them a chance to vent, the recovering alcoholic a chance to see it isn't just their spouse who acts like that and others a chance to look back on where they were.

Sometimes the best therapy isn't the one that makes you feel good but rather the one that opens you up to new insights.

So, thank you for your post and please feel free to post here anytime.

Your friend,

Zee

Thanks for the kind words and making me feel welcome. Although I doubt I will post over here anymore. As FireSprite said about learning from each other, I can only say this about myself, but I have learned alot from reading over here (I obviously don't go out of my way to read them, but sometimes a caption catches my eye).

I didn't post because of guilt or to defend myself. I posted to say hi. To introduce myself because I'm a human being talking to other humans. I don't go to AA, but I nearly died last year and I have a healthy fear of my own mortality to keep myself on the straight and narrow.

I'll leave it there now. SR is such a plethora of raw emotions in all of the sections. I really didn't expect such a nice response, you are lovely people!