Moving Forward with a RAH
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Moving Forward with a RAH
Forgive me if this comes out jumbled & long – I’m not quite sure of my wording here. I also know no one can give me exact “answers” or timelines of what to expect… just looking for input & I would welcome opinions from any RA’s on the board.
AH hits his 1-yr sober mark in the next couple of weeks & I’m really excited to be at this point. Of course, the feeling of celebration feels somewhat diminished when I realize how far *we* have to go just yet. His recovery is his own & I can only make educated guesses on his true progress based on his actions & our conversations. For all intents & purposes he has a long road ahead of him & he’s walked a million miles already. I’ve made great strides but I am still shaking out underlying issues & working on dealing with triggers. We're also taking time out to work on *us* as an entity separate from each other. A journey not a destination, right?
Part of my security over the last year or so has been in the steps I’ve taken to protect me & my DD. Most of it is internal problem-solving & healing (which you’re all so well aware of) but some of it resulted in changing a few external behaviors like creating a cash stash for emergencies & extras. Not a lot, about $1000, aka ‘just enough’. Previously, I would have never even thought of such a thing, everything we have has always been jointly earned & owned & accounted for…. except of course, for his addiction & the enormous drain it created in all areas of our lives.
So that's 1 example of my conflict – if AH was keeping cash hidden from me right now, I’d be furious. We’re behind financially & one of the biggest issues with his drinking before was his lying about stupid little crap. So the lie ALONE would devastate me because I’d take it mean he hasn’t progressed as much in his therapy as I’d like to believe. (Or is this a failure/loophole in MY recovery??)
I’m also not comfortable with secrets like this, I feel like marriage is a partnership & that as my partner he is due a certain amount of respect so long as I’m being treated respectfully as well. I can’t point any fingers right now or make any grievances, he’s been towing a humble line here…. & not in a snarky, butt-kissing way; he’s well & truly working on changing & I/we SEE the growth.
On the other hand, I feel like I need to give myself a Plan B because I don’t ever want to be blindsided like that again & regardless of his current sobriety, relapse IS a possibility & fully out of my control. & $1K isn’t such a large amount of money that I’m scheming to hide assets, or screw him over just to be sh***y…. I'm not after revenge here - I just want to be sure that IF something were to happen, I could keep the lights on for a while & buy groceries for my kid.
So at what point am I hindering my own ability to develop deeper trust?
Am I comparing apples & oranges here? {i.e. Yes, I’m hiding cash. Yes, it would bother me if he did the same. Yes, he’s given me reason to take this action. No, I have not given reasons for him to do the same.}
At what point do we cross over from AH to RAH?
Or maybe I’m just over-analyzing. Gee, go figure.
AH hits his 1-yr sober mark in the next couple of weeks & I’m really excited to be at this point. Of course, the feeling of celebration feels somewhat diminished when I realize how far *we* have to go just yet. His recovery is his own & I can only make educated guesses on his true progress based on his actions & our conversations. For all intents & purposes he has a long road ahead of him & he’s walked a million miles already. I’ve made great strides but I am still shaking out underlying issues & working on dealing with triggers. We're also taking time out to work on *us* as an entity separate from each other. A journey not a destination, right?
Part of my security over the last year or so has been in the steps I’ve taken to protect me & my DD. Most of it is internal problem-solving & healing (which you’re all so well aware of) but some of it resulted in changing a few external behaviors like creating a cash stash for emergencies & extras. Not a lot, about $1000, aka ‘just enough’. Previously, I would have never even thought of such a thing, everything we have has always been jointly earned & owned & accounted for…. except of course, for his addiction & the enormous drain it created in all areas of our lives.
So that's 1 example of my conflict – if AH was keeping cash hidden from me right now, I’d be furious. We’re behind financially & one of the biggest issues with his drinking before was his lying about stupid little crap. So the lie ALONE would devastate me because I’d take it mean he hasn’t progressed as much in his therapy as I’d like to believe. (Or is this a failure/loophole in MY recovery??)
I’m also not comfortable with secrets like this, I feel like marriage is a partnership & that as my partner he is due a certain amount of respect so long as I’m being treated respectfully as well. I can’t point any fingers right now or make any grievances, he’s been towing a humble line here…. & not in a snarky, butt-kissing way; he’s well & truly working on changing & I/we SEE the growth.
On the other hand, I feel like I need to give myself a Plan B because I don’t ever want to be blindsided like that again & regardless of his current sobriety, relapse IS a possibility & fully out of my control. & $1K isn’t such a large amount of money that I’m scheming to hide assets, or screw him over just to be sh***y…. I'm not after revenge here - I just want to be sure that IF something were to happen, I could keep the lights on for a while & buy groceries for my kid.
So at what point am I hindering my own ability to develop deeper trust?
Am I comparing apples & oranges here? {i.e. Yes, I’m hiding cash. Yes, it would bother me if he did the same. Yes, he’s given me reason to take this action. No, I have not given reasons for him to do the same.}
At what point do we cross over from AH to RAH?
Or maybe I’m just over-analyzing. Gee, go figure.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I am sure others here will have differing viewpoints on being prepared, but I think you are being realistic and smart about it all. Now if you sock away $50,000 and your house is being foreclosed on...that may indicate a bigger issue, but having a small amount of cash on hand is just a smart thing to do for anyone. Who knows what life brings us each day?
I can relate to the underlying fear and mistrust of sobriety. Honestly, I had a hard time believing my stbx was really sober. There were times where he would lose his flippin mind and I would have put money on him still using something. The behaviors were just too familiar. It made me realize just how broken this relationship is - I don't know if I would ever trust him again, really.
Baby steps - firesprite. One day at a time really does work! And taking care of yourself by being cautious is not a bad thing. It's what we should be doing.
Congrats to your husband. I hope you get to enjoy it with him...mine didn't invite me to his one year cake meeting, even though I had asked. Really hurt my feelings, and was sign #52 that this relationship had permanently tanked.
I can relate to the underlying fear and mistrust of sobriety. Honestly, I had a hard time believing my stbx was really sober. There were times where he would lose his flippin mind and I would have put money on him still using something. The behaviors were just too familiar. It made me realize just how broken this relationship is - I don't know if I would ever trust him again, really.
Baby steps - firesprite. One day at a time really does work! And taking care of yourself by being cautious is not a bad thing. It's what we should be doing.
Congrats to your husband. I hope you get to enjoy it with him...mine didn't invite me to his one year cake meeting, even though I had asked. Really hurt my feelings, and was sign #52 that this relationship had permanently tanked.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I don't really know FireSprite. I think it is wise and reasonable to have that $1000 cushion. Don't you think he would see it as a reasonable measure given your circumstances? Can you just say to him "Part of taking care of myself is having some measure of security and that includes $1000 in personal emergency money."
FWIW if I am ever in another relationship I'll want he same security (probably more) and the theoretical new man will have no history that suggests I need it. It is part of what I need (and you need) and isn't really a statement about the other person.
FWIW if I am ever in another relationship I'll want he same security (probably more) and the theoretical new man will have no history that suggests I need it. It is part of what I need (and you need) and isn't really a statement about the other person.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 6,101
There is absolutely nothing wrong in having an 'emergency' fund and I would
suggest more than the $1000 you now have.
Did you know that should he die, all of your joint accounts are immediately
frozen by your bank until you supply them with whatever paperwork they
require to open them?
My mom and dad, married 56 years when he died, both had 'emergency'
accounts in their own name only of $10,000 each. And I can honestly and
factually say that it was a damn good thing, because ALL their accounts
were frozen when Daddy died, and if Mom had not had that 'emergency'
fund she would have been up the 'literal' creek without a paddle.
Also, based on his past history, there are no guarantees that he will stay
sober and clean, we all know that, and it takes a long time for the A to
rebuild trust, it is only prudent for you to 'be prepared' just in case.
As to 'sharing' this bit of information with him, that might be something to
wait and discuss with a counselor if and when y'all do some 'marriage
counseling'.
Is this 'tit for tat'? I don't believe so. I do believe this is 'survival mode'
for anyone who has been through the wars.
In this day and age, married to or living with an A or not, it is just prudent
for EVERY ONE to have an 'emergency fund' for that 'just in case' scenario.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
suggest more than the $1000 you now have.
Did you know that should he die, all of your joint accounts are immediately
frozen by your bank until you supply them with whatever paperwork they
require to open them?
My mom and dad, married 56 years when he died, both had 'emergency'
accounts in their own name only of $10,000 each. And I can honestly and
factually say that it was a damn good thing, because ALL their accounts
were frozen when Daddy died, and if Mom had not had that 'emergency'
fund she would have been up the 'literal' creek without a paddle.
Also, based on his past history, there are no guarantees that he will stay
sober and clean, we all know that, and it takes a long time for the A to
rebuild trust, it is only prudent for you to 'be prepared' just in case.
As to 'sharing' this bit of information with him, that might be something to
wait and discuss with a counselor if and when y'all do some 'marriage
counseling'.
Is this 'tit for tat'? I don't believe so. I do believe this is 'survival mode'
for anyone who has been through the wars.
In this day and age, married to or living with an A or not, it is just prudent
for EVERY ONE to have an 'emergency fund' for that 'just in case' scenario.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Firesprite I am relatively new to this forum and to my husband's sobriety. I also face the same moral dilemma as you - my thinking at the moment is that although I think it is unfair not to tell my RAH that I have an emergency fund - it is the wisest thing for me to do at this time. I still have trust issues, and my only way to feel safe in the relationship at present is to have this fund, and need not be his business. Yes I do feel I am being dishonest ( I would hate him to do the same) - but it is a consequence of having lived with this disease got so long- in order for our marriage to survive I need to create a life where I can live as safely as I can. Now that I feel financially secure for the first time in years, I can live one day at a time working on our broken relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Sometimes in life we can be honest to a fault.
Since you don't have a crystal ball to the the future and whether he will replapse, if 1k buys you a little peace of mind, then do it.
I agree that your emergency fund should be even larger than that. Nobody wants to have to pawn jewerly or go begging to relatives, or worse--the horrible interest rate of a cash advance.
Like somebody said--it's not a secret stash for shameful or selfish sneaky behaviors.
I think everybody should have a little stash that nobody else knows about, even if they are married to a saint. Where's the harm? It's no different than not sharing every single thought you have either.
Don't insist that you are a saint and must reveal everything...think if you did feel that way and had to reveal every single negative thought and confess? No marriage could survive under those conditions, no relationship with another human on the planet could survive.
Taking care of our own basic survival needs in a monetary society should not cause anxiety, guilt, or confusion. I know exactly how you are feeling--but give yourself a break here.
Since you don't have a crystal ball to the the future and whether he will replapse, if 1k buys you a little peace of mind, then do it.
I agree that your emergency fund should be even larger than that. Nobody wants to have to pawn jewerly or go begging to relatives, or worse--the horrible interest rate of a cash advance.
Like somebody said--it's not a secret stash for shameful or selfish sneaky behaviors.
I think everybody should have a little stash that nobody else knows about, even if they are married to a saint. Where's the harm? It's no different than not sharing every single thought you have either.
Don't insist that you are a saint and must reveal everything...think if you did feel that way and had to reveal every single negative thought and confess? No marriage could survive under those conditions, no relationship with another human on the planet could survive.
Taking care of our own basic survival needs in a monetary society should not cause anxiety, guilt, or confusion. I know exactly how you are feeling--but give yourself a break here.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Not only do you have the right to keep an emergency stash against the emergencies that you know will happen when there's an alkie around--I would argue that you have a responsibility to do so to ensure the safety and well-being of your daughter.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
FS looking at your previous posts it seems you are the one who is doing the best to make ends meet so I don't see why you shouldn't have a separate account with $ saved in it to make you feel comfortable.
It really doesn't matter whether your AH is hiding cash or not.
Who's managing the funds? If it's you or both of you why not set up a separate account in your name to save some $. If you truly are working on reconciling than in the long term it doesn't really matter where the $ reside. Maybe at some later point you could let your AH know you are putting some $ aside for a rainy day, that you have access to, just in case.
My RAH knows I have some $ aside. He doesn't know how much and if he needs to know we can have a complete discussion about the state of our finances is what I think. JMHO
It really doesn't matter whether your AH is hiding cash or not.
Who's managing the funds? If it's you or both of you why not set up a separate account in your name to save some $. If you truly are working on reconciling than in the long term it doesn't really matter where the $ reside. Maybe at some later point you could let your AH know you are putting some $ aside for a rainy day, that you have access to, just in case.
My RAH knows I have some $ aside. He doesn't know how much and if he needs to know we can have a complete discussion about the state of our finances is what I think. JMHO
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Wow, thanks for the great replies. You've all made me feel a lot better about my "little white lies" & my opinion is in line with a lot of the points you've all made.
I agree that $1K isn't enough for an emergency fund - I'm working on rebuilding it back to where it once was. Addiction cleared out our savings & his IRA. (I refused to request a dime from my own)
TuffGirl - it never even occurred to me to expect to be included in his AA 1-yr celebration? Is that a normal expectation? He has plans with his sponser to meeting hop all night & collect chips along the way. They did a trial run last weekend (sans the chips) and made 5 meetings before calling it quits.
Thumper - "FWIW if I am ever in another relationship I'll want he same security (probably more) and the theoretical new man will have no history that suggests I need it." This makes ABSOLUTE sense to me & I would feel the same way if we split & I were to get into a relationship w/someone else. Well said!
Anvil - "you are keeping cash hidden from ADDICTION'S toll" & "it's like an insurance policy you hope you never have to use". Yes, yes, yes! These thoughts shifted my perspective a bit, thank you!
Laurie - "Is this 'tit for tat'? I don't believe so. I do believe this is 'survival mode'
for anyone who has been through the wars." It DOES feel a bit like I'm "tit for tatting" & I think that is a big part of my conflict. "Survival Mode" sounds much more realistic, thank you.
Loopydays - Yes, it definitely comes down to trust issues for me too - since I previously trusted him 100%, I have no CLUE how long/when/if I'll ever get back to that point again... or if that's even possible.
MadeofGlass - "Don't insist that you are a saint and must reveal everything..." This is an important point to me because 'lying' like this goes against my own moral code so I feel like I'm letting myself down somehow. Your post made me reflect & re-think about my personal definitions/expectations & whether they are maybe due for an adjustment. Appreciate it!
Akrasia - When you put it like that & I think of it as a responsibility TO my daughter... well that changes the context completely!!! Thank you!
Dancing - Yes, I have been the breadwinner around here for a few years & I manage almost all of the finances. He has always worked, just not always been profitable. Since my post about credit counseling, he has started working full-time & making a paycheck so hopefully things will level out.
You've all helped me very much!!
I agree that $1K isn't enough for an emergency fund - I'm working on rebuilding it back to where it once was. Addiction cleared out our savings & his IRA. (I refused to request a dime from my own)
TuffGirl - it never even occurred to me to expect to be included in his AA 1-yr celebration? Is that a normal expectation? He has plans with his sponser to meeting hop all night & collect chips along the way. They did a trial run last weekend (sans the chips) and made 5 meetings before calling it quits.
Thumper - "FWIW if I am ever in another relationship I'll want he same security (probably more) and the theoretical new man will have no history that suggests I need it." This makes ABSOLUTE sense to me & I would feel the same way if we split & I were to get into a relationship w/someone else. Well said!
Anvil - "you are keeping cash hidden from ADDICTION'S toll" & "it's like an insurance policy you hope you never have to use". Yes, yes, yes! These thoughts shifted my perspective a bit, thank you!
Laurie - "Is this 'tit for tat'? I don't believe so. I do believe this is 'survival mode'
for anyone who has been through the wars." It DOES feel a bit like I'm "tit for tatting" & I think that is a big part of my conflict. "Survival Mode" sounds much more realistic, thank you.
Loopydays - Yes, it definitely comes down to trust issues for me too - since I previously trusted him 100%, I have no CLUE how long/when/if I'll ever get back to that point again... or if that's even possible.
MadeofGlass - "Don't insist that you are a saint and must reveal everything..." This is an important point to me because 'lying' like this goes against my own moral code so I feel like I'm letting myself down somehow. Your post made me reflect & re-think about my personal definitions/expectations & whether they are maybe due for an adjustment. Appreciate it!
Akrasia - When you put it like that & I think of it as a responsibility TO my daughter... well that changes the context completely!!! Thank you!
Dancing - Yes, I have been the breadwinner around here for a few years & I manage almost all of the finances. He has always worked, just not always been profitable. Since my post about credit counseling, he has started working full-time & making a paycheck so hopefully things will level out.
You've all helped me very much!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by FireSprite 
TuffGirl - it never even occurred to me to expect to be included in his AA 1-yr celebration? Is that a normal expectation? He has plans with his sponser to meeting hop all night & collect chips along the way. They did a trial run last weekend (sans the chips) and made 5 meetings before calling it quits.
But as M1K3 said in another thread today - hope clouds observation.
So it is normal? I don't know - I think "normal" is very subjective.
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