Eliasson

And I'm terrified. Of being alone with the kids. Of not being able to make it financially. Of being unloveable and unwanted. And of the fact that my first instinct was "I need a drink". A lot of you know the struggles I've had with him, so I find it ironic that HE is the one asking ME for a divorce. I can't help but think that if I hadn't gotten sober and started getting healthy I wouldn't be in this terrifying position. I've been standing up for myself more and asking him to use kinder words, etc. He doesn't like it. I don't know what to do. What if I'm truly just unloveable and stay alone forever? What if I am not able to stay sober through this? Have I mentioned I'm scared?

oh2exhale

Hello;
Just wanted to let you know someone is here-it will all work out. Sometimes all we can do is hang on til we get through it. You love yourself enough to have gotten sober, one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
Hang in there!

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear that you're terrified Eliasson - I think it's understandable tho.

I can understand this too
but I don't agree - I may be old fashioned but I genuinely believe good partners simply do not desert their spouses or good relationships.

you becoming who you really are and who you need to be is a good thing:
If that is upsetting your husband then I say that's his problem not yours.

I've followed your story for a while - I believe you deserve better.

I know it's scary but you have a lot of support here and I know you're a competent and courageous person - you will be ok - I believe everything will work out.

D

artsoul

It would be pretty normal to have that kind of reaction..... it's hard not to feel overwhelmed right now, I'm sure. Take a deep breath and give yourself a chance to get over the initial shock. You have time to work things out, talk to your husband and address all your questions and start looking at possibilities/solutions..... Take some time to "be" with yourself.

I'm glad you posted. You can get through this. The same thing happened to me and I found myself single with 3 children (10, 8, and 2 years old). You're going to be OK.

This is a good time to remember to take things a day at a time. Prayers and hugs to you.....

DisplacedGRITS

You will never be unlovable or unwanted when you have children. As to romance, you're just finding out about the divorce. Deal with that now and the future of your romantic life in it's own time. I can only imagine that future romantic encounters will be much more meaningful if you've maintained your sobriety. This will be a terrible trial for you but to come through it sober will be a great triumph. You are a strong woman. You have children who will need you sober now more than ever. You need yourself sober now more than ever. Let your inner strength shine through. It's there but you've gotta dig deep. Look for support and don't go it alone. No one expects you to.

RevivingOphelia

After reading your previous threads, I think this could be the best thing to happen for you (besides your sobriety).

Try and stay positive. I think that you deserve so much more and your future will be happier if you move on from him.


Take one step at a time and try to not let fear interfere with the potential for a happier future for you and your children.

ReadyAndAble

Hi, Eliasson.

Wow, I so understand those feelings. When my now ex first raised the possibility of divorce, it fairly well blind sided me. I had all those same fears. It was terrifying. I spent months in a state of panic, and then a long time after that cycling through depression and regret. The thing is, I was still drinking. In fact that's when my drinking really took off. I made it so much harder on myself by drinking. I made the pit so much deeper, the light so much dimmer. And then I quit drinking... and you know what? It's OK. In fact, things are really good. I look back now and I realize I am in a better place than I was for the last few years of the marriage.

The future will sort itself out. Your job is to focus on the things you can control right now. And I think you need to give yourself more credit. A bad marriage can take a toll on one's self-esteem, but I think you can tell you've got a lot of people rooting for you here at SR. Why do you think that is?

sugarbear1

Eliasson, you are a wonderful person. Those fears are natural, but not necessarily fact. It's scary, but you are loveable and have so many great qualities. One day at a time, get through what needs to be done. You're gonna be okay. Keep venting here.

With great love and admiration,

SSIL75

All of us objective people can see this as progress. He's letting you go. Now you can soar.

debsam

Hi Eliasson,

I believe this to be true...sometimes when we think it is all falling apart...it is actually falling into place. Think about that...you deserve to be happy...

Stevie1

(((Eliasson)))

I don't know your history but I've gone through the scary divorce and feeling much of what you describe...the fear is real and understandable but just know that you certainly won't be unloveable or destitute or any of those things! You sound strong enough to come out on top and happy.

Anna

Eliasson, you are changing through recovery and sometimes the changes don't always feel good. Leaving your marriage is going to be difficult, but try to have faith, that it is the right thing.

Threshold

Eliasson, hugs. I've been walking the road to sobriety with you, a few steps ahead, including the divorce part.

It's been a painful process, but a worthwhile one. My marriage was one of the things I was drinking to numb myself from. All the scary issues of being divorced...aren't all that different from what I've dealt with before...money, health, loneliness, dealing with kid issues o my own...wait, I was doing that WHILE I was married too!

My marriage wasn't good enough to kill myself to maintain it, it just wasn't. I thought being a "divorcee" was the worst thing possible. It's not.

For a long time I made excuses about why I had to stay in a lousy marriage, job, frienships, and an abusive relationship with substances. Turns out NONE of those things were true, they were JUST excuses that fearful me kept hiding behind.

Divorce is no fun, but being free from a unhealthy relationship is awesome. Life was hard when I was married, now I am free of trying to fix an impossible relationship, and play go between with my kids and my ex.

It can be tricky, but at some point we can allow ourselves to see at the gains, even as we mourn the losses. We can start to enjoy the gains, even as we shed a tear over the losses.

It's a process. You are not alone.

EXM6

I don't know much about your situation but what I can say is "like" typically attracts "like" and that can be in many different forms. You are working on yourself to become a better person, with that comes respecting yourself and that perhaps does not fit into the equation of your marriage. Regardless, it hurts and is hard to understand... You think to yourself "I'm BETTER now, how could he want to leave..." It really has nothing to do with you or how unlovable you are-- trust me.

When we start making better decisions for ourselves and truly start working on those nitty gritty flaws we have to improve ourselves-- better things DO come. When we start smiling more, and being more positive... People start to become nicer to us, we attract nicer people in our lives and we think "where the heck have these people been my whole life?" It isn't some hokey "the secret" crap, it's just natural. It will come, I promise it all just takes time and some times has to get worse before it gets better.

I'm thinking of you.

Pondlady

I went through a divorce after a 21 year marriage. It took me awhile to get perspective and how abusive and negative the marriage was. It was hard to go through the divorce, but I had the support of friends and family. Years later, I can't believe how much happier I am, and that I could have ended up trapped in that horrible relationship. I had NO plans to date, let alone remarry. Next month I will celebrate my 8th wedding anniversary with my best friend!!! Focus on yourself and your children...and stay sober