He asked if his drinking was a problem....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
He asked if his drinking was a problem....
....13 years ago!!!
When we first started dating, I was 23, a bartender...a young naive newbie.
No history of alcoholism in my family (tho my mother is bipolar or such) I had NO idea what the future with Alcoholism entailed.
Infuritates me every time he brings up the fact that a) this is who is he/was, b)I knew when we met and married, 3) was I stupid to not know better....
yeah ridiculous and transparent....the added annoyance is his mother asked me Why I married him if I knew he was alcoholic.....(she gets annoyed when I mentioned he has been drinking since I met him, that his problems now are not a new thing. 20 years he admitted...)
I replied to her that everyone else thinks he "can" just stop drinking....why would I think any different?
He is holding onto the fact that he asked me very early on if his drinking was a problem....I said No..... had nothing to evaluate it on. We were in our twenties and had known each other for a few weeks....yeah I thought it was weird, but I thought it was a choice..no idea how it worked.
I know that he just wants to be loved and continue as he is.....he doesn't want to deal with it, just to be loved.
I am falling into wondering if I am the crazy one....what issues I bring to the table etc. Feeling VERY self conscious about myself today....and i imagine he is feeling the same about his issue.
Of course I do bring some "crazy" myself, but I always say to AH there is no way to handle any other issue if your drinking is in the way.
he uses my mother's mental state as a weapon. Tells me I am becoming her etc....terrifying. I know that I am very different but still she is my mother....
The funny thing is he reminds me of her lately....I always assumed it was my family dysfunction that may have contributed to staying so long with AH. My father's absence in my life after they divorced etc, his selfishness etc....(especially since they say women choose men similar to the image of the father) , but lately i wonder if it had to do with my mother's illness....the feelings I felt as a child of instability, lack of control over our life, the frustration over my mother's self absorbed illness and depression.....curious thought.
In a venting rambling mood.....must be PMSing
When we first started dating, I was 23, a bartender...a young naive newbie.
No history of alcoholism in my family (tho my mother is bipolar or such) I had NO idea what the future with Alcoholism entailed.
Infuritates me every time he brings up the fact that a) this is who is he/was, b)I knew when we met and married, 3) was I stupid to not know better....
yeah ridiculous and transparent....the added annoyance is his mother asked me Why I married him if I knew he was alcoholic.....(she gets annoyed when I mentioned he has been drinking since I met him, that his problems now are not a new thing. 20 years he admitted...)
I replied to her that everyone else thinks he "can" just stop drinking....why would I think any different?
He is holding onto the fact that he asked me very early on if his drinking was a problem....I said No..... had nothing to evaluate it on. We were in our twenties and had known each other for a few weeks....yeah I thought it was weird, but I thought it was a choice..no idea how it worked.
I know that he just wants to be loved and continue as he is.....he doesn't want to deal with it, just to be loved.
I am falling into wondering if I am the crazy one....what issues I bring to the table etc. Feeling VERY self conscious about myself today....and i imagine he is feeling the same about his issue.
Of course I do bring some "crazy" myself, but I always say to AH there is no way to handle any other issue if your drinking is in the way.
he uses my mother's mental state as a weapon. Tells me I am becoming her etc....terrifying. I know that I am very different but still she is my mother....
The funny thing is he reminds me of her lately....I always assumed it was my family dysfunction that may have contributed to staying so long with AH. My father's absence in my life after they divorced etc, his selfishness etc....(especially since they say women choose men similar to the image of the father) , but lately i wonder if it had to do with my mother's illness....the feelings I felt as a child of instability, lack of control over our life, the frustration over my mother's self absorbed illness and depression.....curious thought.
In a venting rambling mood.....must be PMSing
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
The funny thing is he reminds me of her lately....I always assumed it was my family dysfunction that may have contributed to staying so long with AH. My father's absence in my life after they divorced etc, his selfishness etc....(especially since they say women choose men similar to the image of the father) , but lately i wonder if it had to do with my mother's illness....the feelings I felt as a child of instability, lack of control over our life, the frustration over my mother's self absorbed illness and depression.....curious thought.
So, now what do you do?
Think about what you want, and stop trying to change him or the past, because it is a waste of your precious life.
What do you want?
I am sorry, this is my experience I am venting about, wanting to change my childhood or the past. I have been doing it for so long.......well, I hope that if I say it, as "you" it will work better and that is me trying to control the outcome.
From someone who has been there (where you are pmsing or not), I would ask you, is this what you want for your life?
I am a recovering alcoholic, and I have a major depressive disorder. Science has come up with many wonderful things to help a depressed person, I know this for a fact. It works for me.
For someone to use your mother's illness to scare you, I think that is cold and heartless.
But that is just my opinion.
You are waiting for him to quit drinking.
He is waiting for you to go "crazy".
What a mess, and he is holding on to something he said very early in your relationship.
Wow. Did you sign something in blood?
Sorry, I know an alcoholic will say any ridiculous thing to protect the booze.
I did it myself.
I am sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you find an alanon meeting soon.
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: california
Posts: 103
Great reply wicked.
Great insight...i haven't seen a therapist yet, but I think you nailed it!!
Totally what I needed in several different ways....
you even made me chuckle.."Did you sign something in blood?"
Don't know why I think that is so funny...but it is
Great insight...i haven't seen a therapist yet, but I think you nailed it!!
Totally what I needed in several different ways....
you even made me chuckle.."Did you sign something in blood?"Don't know why I think that is so funny...but it is
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Our childhood becomes our "hardwiring" and I certainly have been textbook at proving that my inborn radar will seek out and find the perfect storm of a mate who is just like "dear old dad"... hard to believe that after a nightmare childhood of drama and chaos that I subconsciously seek it out...but I have done it more than once. sigh.
After years of unraveling myself I can only share that finding a good alanon meeting you like along with a GOOD counselor who understands addiction, codependency and dysfunctional childhoods will be worth their weight in gold in helping you find your own way out.
Take care of you and do not listen to the quacking of an alcohol soaked brain... when they start the nonsense just close your eyes and picture a duck ... quack, quack, quack. Do not drink the alcoholic's koolaid... ever.
The one you have been looking for all of your life is you... now start the journey to find your path to peace, serenity and joy... one step at a time one day at a time.
After years of unraveling myself I can only share that finding a good alanon meeting you like along with a GOOD counselor who understands addiction, codependency and dysfunctional childhoods will be worth their weight in gold in helping you find your own way out.
Take care of you and do not listen to the quacking of an alcohol soaked brain... when they start the nonsense just close your eyes and picture a duck ... quack, quack, quack. Do not drink the alcoholic's koolaid... ever.
The one you have been looking for all of your life is you... now start the journey to find your path to peace, serenity and joy... one step at a time one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Amber,
I had the exact same discussions for a LONG time with my XAH. He used those same lines to guilt me into staying... I mean, afterall, I knew what I was getting into (at least according to him and his family). Truth is, I did... in some ways... and in other ways, I had NO CLUE. I had no real understanding of the devastating effects of alcoholism.
So, yeah... I chose him. I married him. I had kids with him.
And then I got educated on alcoholism... and guess what?
I changed my mind.
And I did so because I, as a human being, have the right to do that whenever and however I want. Turns out living with an active, unrecovering, alcoholic wasn't really working for me anymore.... so I stopped doing it. It's as simple as that. And when I keep it simple... I find it's so much easier to stay out of those circular conversations about "how I should have known better."
Focus on you and don't worry about what other people think of you... it's none of your business!!
Shannon
I had the exact same discussions for a LONG time with my XAH. He used those same lines to guilt me into staying... I mean, afterall, I knew what I was getting into (at least according to him and his family). Truth is, I did... in some ways... and in other ways, I had NO CLUE. I had no real understanding of the devastating effects of alcoholism.
So, yeah... I chose him. I married him. I had kids with him.
And then I got educated on alcoholism... and guess what?
I changed my mind.
And I did so because I, as a human being, have the right to do that whenever and however I want. Turns out living with an active, unrecovering, alcoholic wasn't really working for me anymore.... so I stopped doing it. It's as simple as that. And when I keep it simple... I find it's so much easier to stay out of those circular conversations about "how I should have known better."
Focus on you and don't worry about what other people think of you... it's none of your business!!
Shannon
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