HeWhoSleeps

Hi. My post is depressingly like...well. A lot of other people's. I have been with this guy for the better part of four years now...maybe a bit more. Hard to say because it's been on/off for a total of eight years running.
He was a heroin addict when I met him but I didn't know too much about it.
Once we got back together again two years after the initial dating period...nothing was sacred. I've seen everything...I've been surprised by the unsurprising...I probably qualify as one of the best detectives in America at this point, you think you can hide ****? You ain't got **** on my neurosis and I WILL find it...I've cried empty painful tears for myself and my lover...I've beat into my head the notion that I'm powerless...and yet I'm still here.
Went to Nar-Anon for a while...then felt like I was bad for the group so I left. Had no hope left in me at the time.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't leave him. I'm in love with him. Every time I break it off I can't hold to it. I guess I'm pretty ******* weak.
I no longer know which way is up.
Love...I was taught...hopes all things. Believes all things. Endures all things.
...was that just all a lie? That stuff I was taught about love?

Dee74

Hi and welcome HeWhoSleeps

I'm really sorry for your situation.

It would be great if we could cure our loved ones by the power of love but sadly thats just not how it works - at least not in my experience.

I know you'll find a lot of support here tho - I'd also encourage you to check out our Family and Friends forums too

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

sugarbear1

Love is going out of your way to be there for the other person and the other person going out of their way to be there for you. It's where both people who are in love go to any lengths to think of the other person before themselves. It's a two-way street. Addicts can't do that, they are more willing to make themselves feel good through using than of thinking of the other person first.

soberbrooke

I couldn't change my partner after 14 years of being with him. He chooses to use maryjane and I can't get him sober. I can't even get him to tell the truth. I can't stay with someone I have no trust in. I use to drown it out in alcohol, but now that I am sober, I have finally left him. It feels good to be free of that.

desertsong

I am sober now but still live with an active alcoholic. He is getting worse by the day, and more selfish. Alcoholics/addicts are by nature very selfish, self absorbed people and seem to have an inability to see how their behavior is hurtful to the ones who love them. It is frustrating but it's the reality. Unless and until they get sober, they will continue to stay in their own little world and continue to do damage to themselves and others.

You aren't the reason he's using, and you won't be the reason he gets clean, if he ever does. So really, you have some choices to make. Love is a two-way street but it sounds like you are doing all the giving and getting nothing in return. Unless he gets clean and stays what way, this will only continue and will probably get worse.

Nobody can make the decision for you, but today would probably be a good day to ask yourself if this is really the way you want to live forever. It's a tough one and I definitely feel for you.

Anna

It's not a lie, but I think many of us get stuck on love's illusions. I hope you find some peace in your life.

GoingThrough2

If " love " was enough, we wouldnt be here.
I love that quote.
My opinion only.
Love shouldnt mean having to be hurt, confused and torn now should it?
I'm with Anna, hopeful you will find peace in your life.
Please find the sticky about " This is what addicst do. "
It changed my thinking instantly about loving an active addict.
With much love and respect!
~Love GT2~

HeWhoSleeps

I appreciate all of the responses, thank you very sincerely. I guess my problem is that I watch my addict try every day to be a better man to me that he has been in the past. The part that messes me up in the head is that he IS. I can honestly say that the past year he and I have grown in leaps and bounds from what our relationship was. I've read some of the posts about other women in relationships with heroin addicts. It really resonated with me because there was a time when my addict would selfishly rage, scream, have emotional ups/downs, and generally make life miserable and full of drama. There was NEVER a calm in the storm and he NEVER fed me kindness or any semblance of real love after a while. It all led to me getting help from Project Safe and him going to jail twice. We were in and out of court for a LONG time and I was miserable doing it, but everyone told me I should. Truth be told my mom pretty much took over and TOLD me THIS is what's going to happen. Which I understood but didn't like. I love my mom and I know she wants the best for me. But what messes me up is that he's nothing like that anymore. One thing we could always do was talk. We always tell each other we both have the ability to speak directly to each other's souls and I believe this is a truth. For the past year he has been WAY more kind, calm, considerate, giving, actively participating in my life and working on a more genuine interaction, etc. But I think he still uses from time to time....so....this is why I'm messed up I guess. Yeah, it would be easier if he was still a monster. If he was what he was before again I could see trying to give up or walk away. But he's not. He's so much better and I can't...I can't force myself to detach from him while I see all the effort he's put into this relationship. Recently, for example, he gave me all the passwords to his facebook, both emails, his cell phone voicemail, etc. It's something I use to pray for, an open relationship, back in the hell years. And here it is now I have it. I heard a preacher on a radio station once say he counseled a couple where the husband had cheated on his wife. I consider heroin my bf's mistress, always have. The preacher said forgiveness sometimes happens WITHOUT reconciliation, but that this particular couple wanted to work through it. So he told the husband that his life had to be an open book because he had damaged his wife's trust in him and he had to create a loving, open, honest environment if he even hoped for it to possibly grow back. When I talk to my addict about this, he was touched and a week or two later I got the passwords....is this the action of a selfish addict? I'm so mind-tripped I don't know but I can't walk away when things are better than they've ever been, right? I don't know...

pinkdog

It's better than before. But is it good enough? I don't think you would be posting if you were satisfied. Truth works best. Hugs to you.:ghug3