PizzaChef

Really rubbish day. Really rubbish. The closest I've come to buying a drink - physically craved it to an unbelievable level. Family problems - and I'm having to find a way to deal with them that doesn't lie in the bottom of a bottle. I put my old, heavy, rock music on while cooking Sunday dinner for a family that I feel just don't give a sh*t whether I was here or not today.

Been a cook, cleaner and flippin' handmaiden. The only time I've been spoken to by the kids is when they've asked me for a drink or told me they don't like the drink I've given them. Partner not been much better - made me feel like I'm not needed.

So yes, lots of loud music while locked in the kitchen pretending I'm in by myself. A bit of QOTSA, bit of Placebo, bit of Alanis. I hope this gets easier. My family could seriously drive me to drink.

mercurial me

Way to stay strong. There is nothing worse than family at times (especially ones that are a bunch of ingrates) to make one want to slip. It's even worse when you feel like your partner is taking you for grated too.

Hey, you've got awesome taste in music. I love QOTSA & Placebo!

ElegantlyWasted

Placebo... What a great name given the circumstances. Early on I found music was a great soothing mechanism and helped me process some nasty stuff that otherwise would likely have been medicated away with booz. At eleven months I know now it gets better... Much better. Remember to give yourself what you need to make it work.

Kjell

Pizza - are you working a program or just "white knuckling" it?

PizzaChef

Music always has a place in my life. I couldn't live without my little playlist. I only have to listen to a song and I'm back in a past moment somewhere. Today I needed the heavy stuff to remind me there is still a little rock chick in here behind the pinny and painted smile!!

I'm on the white knuckle ride right now. I know I won't go and buy a drink - I'd just like to work on my sobriety without maiming my nearest and dearest.

Dee74

I'm sorry you've had a rough day - have you discussed this with anyone?

I really think support can be so useful - especially if you don't feel you're getting it at home.

Whether it's AA or some other other recovery group, or counselling, or just posting here more, I found reaching out and venting a little, and getting other viewpoints, can really help relieve that wall of stress that makes us think about looking backwards.

D

Anna

I hope you find some support too, PizzaChef. I have found coming here to SR always helps me and I read a lot of spiritual books, which has really helped me to find my purpose in life.

And, music has always helped me through tough times.

Epifany

No, you can stay sober regardless.

Family really push our buttons. Hell, I thought divorce was an option for the first two years. lol

As you get better you'll probably notice the family getting better too.

TwelveSteps

PizzaChef, you rock for staying strong! Way to go!!!

GG

PizzaChef

Thanks everyone! This forum has been an absolute Godsend.

Last night my boyfriend asked me, once all the kids were in bed, what it was I was tapping away on when I didn't want him to look and I told him it was a forum of like-minded people going through the same thing. We then had a really frank conversation about everything that's going on at the moment and for once he didn't joke around about things. It was good but strange to get things off my chest - soberly. I could have said the same things with a drink in me and he wouldn't have wanted to know.

Day 11 and counting xxx

Wilde10

it seems like you are taking many small important steps Pizzachef. My husband does not know about this forum yet. He knows I am on a complete no-booze zone and he knows this is because I believe I am in the slippery slope of alcoholism.

Still many secrets that I know I will face later when I feel stronger in my sobriety. There are things I do not feel like sharing with him at the moment and it is raising many questions about our relationship. We are a very strong family but feels more and more like a super-efficient working team in many aspects... Sorry to hijack your post.

In any case, I believe that your family can lead you to drink only if you want to. I am full of admiration for people who have been able to get sober without a family. Parenthood is a difficult one we are normally not ready for. Partners and kids take every bit of your energy... but it would be strange to blame them for our drinking.

Very well done on your 10 days and have fun on the 11th! And dance it all!

bochuck

My Husband just asked me what I was typing away at about 2 minutes b4 I read your thread LOl. I stopped the day you did so I read all your posts. Hang in there with the family. When the weather gets dreary try buying one of those light that mimic the sun. Someone told me they really help. Put it on your desk while you are on sr. I had cravings the last 2 days for wine. These cravings will go away so we just have to go through it. Keep hanging in there maybe finds a place to get away when the family is overwhelming you. Although I don't have kids so easier said then done for me right?

PizzaChef

OK. So since my last post, I pretty much failed. Bummer.

Stevie1

Today could be the first day of the rest of your life....

Many of us can't do it alone. Have you considered some kind of group support or counseling?

FredG

Not quite sure what you mean by 'maiming my nearest and dearest'.

It's my belief that the only one you're hurting by 'white knuckling' is yourself and since from your words, it doesn't appear that your immediate family cares whether you're isolating in the kitchen other than for you to act as their personal un-paid labor, what does it matter if you maim (your word) them a little by getting yourself better.

My opinion, is that very few are able to stop an addiction on their own.