washbe2

Sigh. My As was released from hospital last Wednesday after surgery for abscess on spine. Dr. said would be paralyzed if didn't have surgery. They also denied any kind of rehab cause he could walk, etc. but did provide home health care.

His rv has no air, lots of bugs and dirt. Infection is the top concern. I can't live with him but put him in a room nearby, so I could help him change the IV bag daily. He's on it for 8 weeks and can't change it with one hand. It has been good for him resting and eating. He had control of his paid meds and yes, I knew he would not take according to orders, but no, there's nothing I could do about it.

He has been grouchy and almost verbally mean. Trying to make preparations for him to go back to his place, (which is really mine) so went today to get air repaired and didn't tell him because I knew he would have a fit to go and I couldn't deal with him.

This afternoon, he found out that I went and blew sky high, cursed, threatened, changed his room key, turned phone off and then I don't know what. After several hours, I finally got a text to bring him his keys and get his s..out of the room. I asked where he was and he texted name of a town about 45 miles away!!! He is supposed to go to the surgeon tomorrow to get staples out and for a check-up.

I am trying so hard to not be frantic. He's walking around with an iv pump only who knows where! I can't tell hubby, so I'm telling you...still again.

MRSA isn't something to mess around with. I've been reading about the FOG on other posts. Fear, Obligation, Guilt. I am to the almost hating him stage now and don't care what happens, but fear what will happen and feel guilty for feeling that way!

I'm just stressed as most of you are and want to scream, run away, stop the insanity, and forget I have a son. I've tried to let God handle it, but I'm struggling.

There now.That helped a little. Thanks for the support, for being here, for kicking me when I need it, and gentle nudges when I need that. I so want to be helpful to others as so many of you are, but I feel like a worthless bag of trash. My sweet hubby is in the same room reading his worn-out Bible, and I'm sitting here venting because I can't tell him what's going on. I'm sorry. I'll be better tomorrow.

PrayingMama

Oh dear. How frustrating (and infuriating) for you! How wearying, too. I'm so sorry for your pain over this and that, for whatever reasons, you feel you can not share this with your husband.

My prayer for you is some rest this night. You have done way more than was called for (as I'm sure you know), and now you need to take care of yourself. Just you. You deserve it.

crazybabie

washbe2, you have no reason to be sorry hon that is what we are here for, I will be keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I can't even imagine how hard this, is for you. Keep posting let us know how your doing.
Big hugs from one mother to another.

chicory

Washbe2, I am so sorry honey. You are surely not a worthless bag of trash, you are a precious momma who loves her son, and I believe that you are doing the right things. your son is the one making this so difficult for his self and for you.

I can imagine how horrid this is, as I have an A son, who at times has made my life a living he!!. It breaks your heart, and ruins your health.

I am sorry, but I am not remembering if your son is actively using, and or if he is incapable of making better choices? You are right, mrsa is a bad guy and surely your son knows this. perhaps with a bit of time he will decide to respect the situation he is in. I pray it is soon, and that tomorrow is a better day for you.
sending you a big hug, and saying a prayer for your son and you. I wish I was more help. Hang in there dear.

hugs
chicory

tjp613

You tried to help in a reasonable way and he has refused that help and instead has (once again) responded with a sense of entitlement anything but gratitude. Yes, I am sure you are gripped in fear as any loving mother would be. I guess there is not much left to do now other than repeating the serenity prayer about 100 times. It always helps me.

I think we can ALL relate to that feeling of being so tired of the stress and worry that we just "don't care anymore what happens". I think I go thru that feeling and out again about 20 times a day.

Your husband is his step-father...is that correct? And is he DONE or why don't you feel like you can share this stuff with him? I'm kind of in that situation too... where I don't even burden my friends and family with it anymore because I just sound like a broken record. it's hard. Thank God for SR, eh?

Keep posting. We're here. ((((Hugs))))

Ann

(((Washbe))) That was a very kind and loving thing you did for him and it was he who chose to take a darker path. You opened a door and showed him love, care and a way to stay alive and healthy.

Your story reminds me of my worst day with my own son, when after an overdose he went to a crack house in a town an hour away. I drove over, insisted he come out, took him to his place and spent much of the night talking to him about how close to death he was. In the morning when I left to come home, he left to go back to the crack house. It was that very day, Washbe, when I pulled off the highway with eyes too full of tears to drive, that I gave his care to God...and I have never taken it back.

I say a prayer each morning for God to watch over my son and this morning I will ask God to keep a special watch over your boy too.

God can do what we cannot, Washbe, He alone holds the power over life and death. I believe God loves all his children, including his addicted ones. That sees me through my days and lets me breathe again.

Love you lots, I'm sorry you are going through this.

Hugs from one mama's heart to another's.

washbe2

Thank you all. Been up most of night. I'm am so very mad/hurt at him. I want him out of my liife! With my dad and ex-hub, I was always so glad for things to be "normal", I was always just thankful when my dad wasnt in a rage at my mom, or that my ex wasn't cheatIng, that when it passed, I was just thankful it passed - just glad for the left-overs.

I'm tired of left-overs. AS called this morn and said he was back in the room, to bring him soap,shampoo so he could go to dr! I'm sure I will do that.afterbthat, I don't know. His room is paid up til Tues. planned for him to be out then and maybe he would be well enough to make it on his owm, I am ready to take him back to his hot,dirty, bug infested camper.

Tip, yes, hubs is a step-father. He doesn't deal with stress that well. Or maybe it's I don't deal with the way he handles stress. And I don't blame nim! He has worked very hard to be patient through this last few weeks, and I just don't want to upset him.

Gonna be a tough day today. I just think I will go through the motions and say very little to him. The dr is over an hour away. Then he will want to go to camper and see what damage I did. I'm sure he'll find something to blame me for.

I'm sorry to be a burden to,you guys. At least I don't have to fake my feelings with you all. Thank,you for allowing that.

tjp613

Please do us a favor and NEVER fake your feelings with us! Just like when you said that you "just don't care anymore"...I know that's hard to admit...but when you said it, I immediately identified with it and thought, "WHEW!! I'm not the only one feeling that way!"

Have you ever hear the saying that "Friends multiply joy and divide sorrow"...? Well, we are here to do just that for each other. Thank God.

washbe2

Picked him up. He made his way back to the room somehow. I told him to get back the same way he left. Presently at dr. office waiting. He has "tried to make nice" but I don't feel nice. I'm not mean, just quiet. May be a long day. Thanks for caring. An addict in life is horrible. So if any of you have a boyfriend/girlfriend who is an addict, I know you care, but spare yourself lots of future misery and free yourself.

I don't feel like accepting his crumbs of kindness. But when I pity him, I sink into old ways. So like the Dixie Chicks once said, "I'm not ready to make nice"! I believe he used last night because he is nauseous today. How can someone you love, rear, and nurture for so long turn into such a cold, seemingly unfeeling creature? I hate drugs and what it has done to families.

BeavsDad

Seems you're doing your best at detaching.

Helping him with medical issues isn't a crime.

At any sign of disrespect I recommend one warning and then an about face departure.

You are not a punching bag.

SadHeart

I think I might call adult protective services and tell them the story and say you just can't deal with him any more. They may be able to do for him until he's better. Or talk to the hospital social worker.

If no one else can/will take over, I know you pretty much feel you have to do at least the bare minimum (I would, when medical issues are so critical you have to do for your son). However, i doubt I'd be bringing over keys and shampoo.

Paralysis, infection and MRSA are all very scary, and you couldn't live with yourself if you didn't do what you had to and it went bad.

So do what you have to, and many hugs for you, and when he's able to manage on his own, maybe consider how to put oblivion between you and him. What you don't know can't cause you guilt.

Again, many hugs.

LoveMeNow

My prayers are with you Washbe2. Please be kind to yourself. When it comes to an addict, the saying "No good deed goes unpunished" is so very true.

We are all here for you. Please don't ever feel judged or alone. And know this - you don't need to feel so angry at your AS - my codependent self still exists and is mad enough for the both of us. So let your anger go...I got this one covered for you.

EJG123

You are just going to have to take this one day at a time. I am praying for you and I hope your son finds his rock bottom sooner than later.

Katiekate

:ghug3 Sweetie you are doing great in a very unstable and chaotic situation.

You are far from a bag of trash, you are a loving, caring, compassionate, wonderful human being.

Better tomorrow. Sending you lots of love.

Katie

washbe2

Home after a long, difficult day. Dr. Visit went ok. Has to go back for MRI in one month and see if he can get off the IV, but dr said he would be on antibiotics the rest of his life! He wrote more pain meds. I dont care. I wish he would write alone needs forever, but he won't.

Then we went to camper. He was furious. He has so little of anything but his most treasured possessions wer a mounted deer and fish from the good days with his dad. They had been stolen. The threats began flying. He teared up about. I tried to be encouraging about what's really important in life. He wouldn't hear it.

He basically said no one wanted him, and all I do is put him down (which seriously isn't true, but it makes me look harder at myself to be sure) So unfortunately I'm fighting pity mode again. Gotta fight that mode. He certainly never shows any feeling for me.

Guess I sound angry and that's not usually me.

lonelystar

I dont know but I like the saying " This too shall pass"....

your doing the best you can dont ever let anyone make you believe otherwise, it doesnt matter if they see it or not in your heart you know

tjp613

Washbe - The thing that always sticks out for me in your posts is how downright ABUSIVE your son is to you. Ranting and raving and blaming and guilting and manipulating...ALL THE TIME! If this were just some random stranger would you put up with that? Would anyone?? My point is that NOBODY should be subject to such abuse...period....and you have done nothing to deserve it. It is simply wrong! I hope that somehow, some way you can figure out how to protect yourself from the constant barrage of his rage. It breaks my heart how rude he is to you! You are his mother and you deserve his respect! You are NOT his whipping post!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

washbe2

LonelyStar...How weird! I just quoted that to my son today! We do like that one, don't we!

Tjp, I know, and it's so strange. He used to never, ever direct this toward me. This is new in the last 6 months - maybe because i called police on him, maybe he's just given up, but it surely doesn't feel good, and I do plan to distant myself when He is better and his camper is moved. I can't help but feel sorry for him about his stuff though. Could it be that this is God's way of tying to open his eyes to know what it is like to be taken advantage. Who knows. But it's not working like that.

Ann, God bless your heart. You are so strong and I so want to be like you and put my trust and faith in God.

Thank you all for being there yet again. I'm going to bed now - with my phones turned off.

Ann

Not strong, Washbe, I was beaten and surrendered. Until you find the strength to surrender too, I will pray enough for both of us and do double duty on faith. I believe the strongest faith of all is blind faith...where we have no idea where we are going but let ourselves be led, trusting that it will take us to a better place.

My heart sends you big hugs, try to take some time for just you this weekend, maybe take a walk in nature, or take a day at a salon and get yourself prettified (I made that work up) hair, nails and toes too. And give Mr. Washbe a big hug from me too, Mr. Ann's way of coping was to withdraw and detach, even though it ate him alive. I could learn from Mr. Ann.

Sending you sunshine and hope for better days ahead...and extra prayers as you go through this tough time.

:ghug3

Seren

I completely agree with Ann....not so much strength, just acceptance and surrender.

A couple of years ago, we would occasionally help out my stepson "Jr." with shoes or clothes, and would typically receive a barrage of hateful language from him about how we weren't doing enough. Then, we just let him go. His life, his actions, his consequences....complete surrender of him to his HP and his own life. No control and no longer any responsibility.

It was a very sad time, but day-by-day things got better for US! "Jr." still makes poor decisions, but he is surviving. And....we haven't been on the receiving end of abuse from him since then.

Sending you strength and hope for peace and joy.