khoye

After two months of binge-ing. He sold everything. His iPad, his laptop, his new flat screen TV, his Playstation. He lost everything. And we have been broken up for about two weeks now and not talking too much.

Yesterday I got a call from him saying he was at the hospital checking himself into detox because he can't do this anymore. He has been an IV heroin addict for over two years now... This is the first time he has ever done this on his own without his mom, his grandma, or myself pushing and begging for him to do it.

Maybe he really is ready to change. I hope so. I'm just so glad he finally realized how badly it had taken over again and that he was losing everything. I wonder what happens next.

I feel like I should keep a distance from him because I don't want to push/seem to be pushing him to continue onto rehab although he already told me he wanted to go and he needs to go for as long as it takes. He can't live in this area anymore so maybe he will go somewhere out of state and discover how much he really likes it there and maybe go on to a halfway house of some sort. I think that would be best.

What role should I play right now in his life? I am obviously supportive but trying not to be overly supportive because he has been down this road many times before and been to rehab and detox four times. I dont want to give him too many kudos so he thinks he is just doing great and he can do it on his own, because he CANNOT.

What do you think?

khoye

He is in detox right now in a place outside of Chicago. He has been calling me all day to check in but I honestly want to be left alone in a way, and give him space as well so he can focus on himself, not on me.

khoye

Yeah I agree. I think ill tell him that.

oooopps

Khoye, I was with my heroin addict boyfriend for 3 years. Like you, I felt like he was my best friend. We would laugh til our tummy hurts, he was the funniest person, said the most beautiful and sweet words... however the happy days were never long. I reached til a point where I thought if I keep doing this ... I would get cancer.

I just want to let you know that if you do decide to leave him for good, while it is certainly very very hard to do... I know because I made that decision, it is ultimately a way better path for you. You have a chance at building a healthier life for yourself without all the chaos and tears that comes with addiction. You should take it.

Sometimes I miss my heroin addict ex, despite very very deep wounds associated with that relationship. But I just leave it at that because a life with him is just not what I want. Like all other thoughts, my brain eventually move on to something else.

tjp613

Yeah, that's very unusual....each time my son has been in detox or rehab (5 total now), he's been isolated and not allowed to use any phone at all until he comes out of detox after about 5 days, then only the phones on the floor (no cell phones). Are you SURE he's been admitted?

khoye

Yes im positive... I took him there and watched him do all of his intake paperwork. His mom went and visited him last night at the hospital and I am going today... Yes...I am SURE he has been admitted.....

khoye

My question still has yet to be answered as to how I should be handling this and acting toward him. I feel like this website has a lot of negativity, when I am trying to be positive for myself. I'm trying to continue to keep working toward being strong and focusing on detachment but all anybody is doing is doubting the fact that he actually checked himself in. That's not what I'm here for. I dont need you guys to be the atagonist. Please stop jumping to the conclusion that since he is allowed to make phone calls, he isn't taking detox seriously. It's a big slap in the face to me because I came here for support, understanding, and advice and have received none of the three on this post.

khoye

I am planning to see him because there is a meeting for loved ones and family members like ala-non that I have to go to when I am there and I think it will help me.

BeavsDad

Your new role is EX-GIRLFRIEND.

Hands off the addict.

His family can provide support if the bridges aren't burnt.

tjp613

My question was a legitimate one and not intended to "slap you in the face". The answer to that question provides the basis for further support and "advice". Its VERY common for addicts to declare that they have checked themselves in when in fact they haven't.

outtolunch

There are hundreds of Alanon and Naranon meetings in the greater Chicago land area. There is no need to go to a support meeting at his detox/rehab.

So let's assume the real reason you are going to visit him is because you are not done with the hopeful fantasy that you can support and encourage him into recovery. Unfortunately , there is nothing you can say or do that will keep him clean or cause him to relapse. Unfortunately, you are not this powerful. None of us are. If all it took was love and support, none of us would be here.

His future sobriety is 100% an inside job.

Once we get that we have no control or influence over it, it becomes possible to detach with love.

khoye

I understand I cannot control or influence it. I know it is entirely his choice and nothing I say will make him make the right decision to go to rehab and that's the frustrating part but I guess something that I am realizing is harsh reality. I am thinking maybe seeing him won't be the best idea just because what is it going to change? If he doesnt want to go to rehab after detox then why am I even wasting my time trying to support what he is doing right now? This is so frustrating.

Ilovemysonjj

KHoye, the tough love and boundaries we impose are not for the addict, they are for us. You will constantly fight within yourself the "need" to see the person you care for , but the truth is (as everyone has said), it won't help your addict. We try to help them to really ease our pain and our burden. I struggle daily with this feeling that I "have" to know what is going on with my son or "have" to find him, etc. The struggle will continue until we fully let go "hands off the addict" is a good statement to embrace. Only they can choose sobriety and the longer we meddle around in their recovery, the farther away the bottom can be...
We are here with you, walking and supporting you.
Hugs
TT

khoye

Thank you all very much. I'm struggling with the decision to go see him or not. I know nothing that I say if i were to see him will make him ready or not to change his life.

He thinks that he can get out of detox and continue the same life he had before, or he likes to think that way. He knows deep down he needs intensive treatment and it is not up to me to convince him of it.

allforcnm

KHOYE

At my husbands rehab, he is allowed to have his own cellphone, his own laptop, among other things. Each place is different.

At my husbands rehab they allow him ample visitation with family because they put value on those interactions. So weekends anytime, and even weekdays; but on weekdays you have to schedule it in advance because those are the days he is actively in treatment and has a full schedule. Also, they have family days, family holidays and the like with special activities. Not all rehabs try to exclude family. My point is that each place is different.

If you want to go visit him, then I personally think it is fine. But the choice is up to you based on your feelings and needs. My mother in law has not been to see my husband and wont even talk to him on the phone. Her choice. My parents have gone to visit my husband on family day. Their choice. His dad has talked to him on the phone. His choice. I just rented a house on the beach to be near my husbands rehab, so that we can spend weekends together with our son, and go through couples counseling with the therapist in person. My choice.

My only question from reading your post, is that you said you broke up with him. So I suggest you be very careful in examining your motives for going. Are you going as a ex-girlfriend who might consider being a girlfriend again, are you going as a friend, are you going because you feel obligated to encourage him to go to rehab? If you go in with expectations that you want him to meet then you could be disappointed and end up feeling hurt. If you go in without all that baggage, then you might find it to be a positive experience for yourself. I think you really have to make the decision based on your own feelings.

One other thing; with my husband the first 3 weeks were emotionally unsettling for him. Lots of ups and downs, anxiety, etc. That is something to keep in mind when you talk to him. My husbands doctor told me no serious discussions during this time, just keep it simple. That worked for us. He is in his second month now and doing well.

khoye

Thank you for your post allforcnm. I really benefited from that. You are totally right, this is all my choice. If i do decide to go, I need to be strong and ready to take on any feelings that seeing him may possibly provoke. I would be going in there are his best friend and someone who loves him with all my heart. I would be going there to support him and aid him in any decision he makes. Only if it is the right one because if he decides he wont go to treatment I am going to walk away and do everything I can, as much as it might hurt, to stay away from him and not let him affect me.

ANyways, I'm going to take your advice on keeping conversations light. This is day three of him being in there so its all still new and scary for him. I'm sure he has no idea what is to come and he is still in the "i dont know if im ready stage." Although, he got himself to detox so I mean part of him must be saying he needs help.

I guess we will see what happens from here.

incitingsilence

Do you really want to know what to do khoye? The most important thing to do? Work on you, nothing more. Now is the time, and it is imperative.

And this is for you too allforcnm.

No together anything, not yet for either of you way to soon imho. There will be no chance at a together unless you each work heavily on yourselves, and the addicts in your lives do the same. It really doesn’t work any other way. Each side must get healthy within their own right first…

There is a reason we all end up here, something in us. If we don’t fix it we just keep getting involved in screwed up relationship after screwed up relationship, be it with partners, our families, friends and we carry this dysfunction that we then pass to our children. And if there is one good deciding motivational factor, it is our children. They need healthy, stable rational parents who aren’t reactive, aren’t out of their minds with worry, aren’t walking around carrying resentment and pain all stuck in the past. Trust me when I say one healthy parent goes a lot further than 2 sick ones…get yourselves healthy, everything after that is icing on the cake.

Just my two cents…

LoveMeNow

Inciting - I still remember your post about sick people attracting other sick people and healthy people attracting healthy people. It was life changing for me in so many ways.

It is so true....even on the internet!

allforcnm

Khoye
Apologize for hijacking your thread for a moment, but I must reply to IncitingSilence who mentioned me in particular and passed along some humble advice.

IncitingSilence
While I do appreciate your concern, I am quite happy and doing very well following the path that I am on. My husband is in a non-12 step rehab center that is considered to be one of the best in the country. The focus is on individualized therapy and he has a group of psychiatrist that he works with on a daily basis in regard to his addiction issues. I make note of this because I realize that many rehab centers focus on group therapy, focus mostly on working the 12 steps, and patients have minimal opportunity to work with psychiatrist, and delve into their own personal / psychological / addiction issues.

In addiction, I have been assigned my own family therapist (who is also a licensed psychiatrist) and I have been working with her 2x week via skype. Of course now that I have relocated to be closer to the rehab I will be working with her in person.

This is my husbands second month in the rehab. At this stage, the doctors have incorporated couples counseling into his therapy. Of course this was only done with my consent, but it is what I want. And it is what my husband wants. To be honest, I think that it is the perfect opportunity for us to begin this process because along with our couples counseling , we each are still working our own personal counseling which Im sure will be necessary.

As I said in my original post, there are differences in rehab centers with their rules and regualtions. There are differences in philosophy as to how family fits into the equation. Going further there are differences in treatment philosophies and methodologies.

I stick by my comments to the original poster. It is her choice to visit her ex boyfriend. Obviously the treatment center puts some value on family / friend interaction or they would not be holding a session for that group.

But it is her choice to decide if going will be beneficial to her, or cause personal harm.

That is why I gave the example of my family members which I will recap. His mom has not gone to see him and she wont talk to him on the phone. Her choice. My parents went to visit him on family day. Their choice. His dad has talks to him on the phone. His choice. And I have rented a house on the beach so that I can be closer to the rehab; now we can do our couples sessions in person, I can see my own therapist in person, my husband with doctors approval can spend the weekend with me and our 5 month old son and we can work on rebuilding our family. My choice.

Each of us must walk our own path and find our own serenity.

incitingsilence

Just for you allforcnm...

Not a twelve step thing, not a rehab thing, my advice comes from neither place…

Where it does come from is that fact that my husband is a recovering heroin addict and I stayed, and watched it all, the before, the middle ( hmm the middle, where they want to be done and take steps to find that which doesn‘t always mean they are done using) your husband is in the middle and then will come the after….

So I say this with all the respect in the world knowing your journey, the only way to help the addicts in our lives is to help ourselves first. That removes us as enablers, as the blame, and gives them back their addiction to deal with whether they are ready to stop or not. Knowing wd, knowing PAWS ( post acute withdrawal syndrome ) depending on his reason, why’s and his past well time will be his best friend as long as he doesn’t use, no matter what.

I get them wanting him to have the support of his family… but in the end if he was in the gutter all alone, he still had within him the capacity of lifting himself up all alone and finding a way out of his madness, if he wanted to.

I know it is hard to understand but where he is, he is safe. There is no pressure, no day to day, no kids screaming and needing things, no wife wondering how come he has no motivation, no drive, can’t handle, hell doesn’t know how to handle the simplest of problems.

He has his whole brain that needs to heal as well as the physical, the spiritual and rewire back to some semblance of normal, where it isn’t thinking heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin as a means to survive. Again time, it takes lots of time.

And the same holds true for you. You are in a safe place as well. He is removed. You don’t have to deal with the chaos, the worry, the fear he will od none of that and mainly only because you know he is safe where he is, that isn‘t recovery either, recovery is what you don‘t have the chaos in your own head no matter what another is doing…sympathy, concern compassion may be there but nothing is irrational. And I know you have the pressure of general life to deal with but that is a piece of cake once the chaos of addiction is removed.

Anyone with some idea of what addiction really is on every level, the physical, the moral bankruptcy, the hijacked brain, the ruined faith would push for you to help yourself first. Would push for him to worry about himself, finding himself his reasons, before he could worry about being a father a husband….they would push him to be comfortable in his skin, to not be worrying about saving relationships but being strong enough to have one’s on a personal level. For him it can’t be about saving or losing things, if he doesn’t take care of him and him alone his possibilities will be limited.

If neither of you are healthy then how do you work together on making a relationship work. Do you know if this man is even healthy for you, do you know anything about him … and to give you a hint there, all his past was his problem, you do not want the good of then, you want a whole new healthy person because the past is very much a part of the problem. And that is what he can become if he works on him and that should be a first thing, not an along the way type deal.
Same could be asked do you know what you want really? Are you capable of living a good life that is peaceful and not always wondering when the other shoe might drop.

Also the learning builds upon itself, with each new thing we learn about ourselves our whole view gets rocked and then there are more things we need to learn. This takes time.

I know you have no idea of the process, he it’s so far from any safe place at this time. He will have to adjust to weekends with you, you will have to do the same. He will have to learn how to cope in the real world, with real life in real time…no buffers, no doctor to run interference to help smooth things out in his head, with those who love him, no drugs as an option….statically speaking, he most likely will have some lapse be it purely mental or actually using, he many go all out again. He does have the capability to reel himself in and some education of how to do that now and fast, just as you will have the capacity of failing back into enabling type behaviors if that happens.

It is a process and a long one. And your main concern in this now should be you, only you. Give yourself the best of chances and your child.