tdlev12

Hello, I am new here--I just posted my story in the Alcoholism thread, but figured I would put it here as well (I promise I wont post it again...LOL)

Coming up on nine months I relapsed this weekend

Need advice-thoughts--

Thanks!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------Hello All

I am joining this site today, because I need outside advice on how to proceed

Sobriety Date was 10-3-2011
Relapse Sat Night (shot heroin twice)
I am AA only, so posting here---

I will give you an overview and then sit back and listen to what others have to say-

OVERVIEW:
Current: 34 years old Male
Alcoholic since I first picked up--consistent user since 16yrs old
Drug Use Heavy in college
Moved to South after college near family
Corporate Job, Got married 7 years ago, two children 7 and 8 now
Mostly drinking and gambling (I also do GA) after college until mid 2010
Mid 2010-Got into Meth for 1st time
Got arrested for Domestic Violence Sept 2010
Went into Sober living house--gambled 1st 3 months in house--admitted to it and started GA for 1st time (12-21-2010)
Able to stay clean for 5 months (AA + GA)--moved out of house in late April 2011 and relapsed on gambling within 3 weeks (May 2010)--In mid July drank in FL and got arrested that night (battery)
Gave up---moved out of house, lived in hotels--started heroin for 1st time
Arrested again (shoplifting) October 2nd 2011--spent two weeks in jail

Everything changed---took medical leave (yes still kept job!!) went to rehab during the day (3 months), moved back into sober house---stayed 8 months this time (6 month minimum)

was not easy the 2nd time--worked it hard--AA, GA, Rehab, Therapy, Anger Mgt----everything changed! Reconciled w parents (working step nine now) etc etc

Actually, wife and I decided on divorce about a month ago--that we were not in love, and probably never had been---really everything going great

Went to Sober House meeting on Mondays
Went to Aftercare Rehab meeting on Wednesdays
Went to 2-3 AA mtgs other days
Just started chairing a meeting, and even a discussion leader last week
Calling Sponsor everyday

Moved out of sober house 2 weeks ago...........I started to date a little bit--even though my aftercare and network said to be careful--never was lying about anything--never slept w any girls....just 2 dates w 2 diff people
(I mention this bc this was the big new thing I was doing--not a secret but I was doing it---_

Then, Saturday night, a friend in recovery came over---we went to dinner--he confessed to me that he had been shooting heroin for 2 months--I thought he maybe had drank or smoked pot but he had never done any harder drugs

Anyways, we end up shooting up once on sat night at his place, and then we had some left over, and did it once more in the morning----

MY THOUGHTS

-I am scared to come clean for a few reasons but mostly:
--My soon to be ex-wife and her letting me see the kids: This is BIG one
We have actually gotten along wonderful since we decided to seperate (even before that, we were not fighting, after years of fighting! we just decided to stop trying to force love---) We have been like best friends--and I just dont know how she would re-act??????
---I just moved out into my own place, would I have to move back into the sober house? Would it be required by my wife?
----Do I tell just my sponsor? He is a former resident of my sober house--telling him would probably mean not picking up my 9 month chip in July 3rd thereby letting everyone know?

I am really torn right now---REALLY torn

Do I confide in someone outside my sponsor? outside my network?
Do I tell everyone? What about my wife?
Do I pick up my 9 month chip? a year?

When do I tell?

(ps I know I mentioned arrests alot--everything is done and clean--except I am on probation out of state---thats mail in...no testing etc....no updates from anyone---etc etc so legally there are no issues........)

I do not want to use again-

I am treating it like a one time mistake, but I know better, and my whole program is founded on honesty

What is everyone's thoughts?

I know I eventually have to tell, but when? and to whom?


Please please please give me some advice

And please I am not asking to soften the blow, but post like I was your sponsee-----

Thanks

FredG

You relapsed - Happens to most - You're back, but you need to be honest.

FredG

If you're worried about losing your kids - what happens when you go back using/drinking

If you've been in AA then you know - Honesty (in everything) Open minded ( to everything you're told in the program) Willingness (to do what needs be done)

That's HOW it works.

Became willing to make amends where possible. This also means to accept the consequences of your actions.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

I'm not your sponsor. But I would suggest strongly that you tell him. As to when....yesterday!

flutter

Living my life honestly has been one of the greatest gifts that recovery has given me.

I'm not in AA, I don't use it for my recovery.. never have.. so I can't speak to the 'rules' or expectations re: AA 'sober' time and chips and all that.. from what people share here, AA is for alcohol only.

I mean, obviously.. you feel like picking up that chip isn't an honest thing to do, or you wouldn't be here wondering.

I live my life clean and sober. Even though my "DOC" was alcohol, I would consider my sober time a restart if I decided to smoke weed, snort coke, misuse prescription drugs, whatever. But that's just me and my recovery.

tdlev12

I guess I already know that I have to come clean about what happenned

The chip is irrelevant to me, I guess where it factors in is if I pick or dont pick it up then that lets everyone know weather or not I relapsed

I have come to the decision I have to tell on myself--there is no other way--otherwise I will get drunk/high

NO OTHER WAY

My follow up question is this:

If I come clean with my sponsor, my network, aftercare at rehab, etc

Then, will I have to tell my ex wife? or parents?

Will they have to know?

I dont see why?

Thoughts?

Dee74

I don't know what the relationship is with you and your parents and you and your ex wife - but I do know I lost a lot of peoples trust.

You say you're reconciling with your parents, at least - and there's the question of your ex wife and visiting rights with children....

I can't tell you what to do...but if they find out some other way and you haven't told them....what do you think that might do?

D

ph3314

First, I want to say that I have absolutely no experience in this, just giving you my initial opinion/reaction. Not telling them might make it easier to relapse in the future. If you get off "easy" this time by not telling your ex and not having any negative consequences, you might be tempted to do it again later since you "got away" with it this time. Just a thought to be aware of when making the decision.

Live2Run25

I think it's a personal opinion on if you should tell your parents/wife or not. If it's going to eat you alive you should tell them. That's how I feel. Ultimately, it's up to you.

tdlev12

I dont think telling my parents is neccesary at all--we didnt talk for a year, now we talk a little bit...that would be like telling people at work or other friends etc

as far as my wife---I would tell her, but prob not now---right now I just need to get my network involved and engaged--my sober house network, my AA network, my sponsor, my rehab aftercare network, etc

but now I am struggling with going to meet my sponsor at a mtg tonight or getting high again

This is not good

You are kind of right---the 1st relapse in FL in July 2011 (the other "relapses" were just interuppted use....I was never working a program or mtg's) was terrible--I got arrested the 1st night I drank---when I got back in town, I left my family and moved in hotels and got arrested again--being in jail two weeks, that brought me to my knees--leaving my kids---etc etc

But what i am struggling with now is how easy I picked up

I mean honestly I was doing really good---I was working the steps, sponsor communication, meetings, reaching out, service work-chairing, discussion etc

Its like BAMN--my buddy was with me and I was off

I do think the cause was not moving out of the sober house, but getting engaged on dating websites and calling girls----not sleeping with them, but just engaging with them--late night phone sex off dating websites, a few dates, etc etc

too much after just moving out--------

DisplacedGRITS

Why would you pick up your 9 month chip? When you start lying to try to cover your tracks in addiction you're stuck in the jaws of the disease again. Don't pretend in sobriety and don't lie. Honesty with yourself and others is the only way to go. A chip is only a chip. A number is just a number. Honesty is more important to your soul and sobriety than either of those things. Do you really want to saddle yourself with the guilt of lies?

DisplacedGRITS

Whether you tell your wife or parents depends on your relationship with them regarding your using. How involved are they in your recovery? If it's not necessary for them to know then i personally wouldn't be inclined to tell them. Then again, if they were to ask, i personally couldn't lie. Still, you're struggling with getting high tonight or going to a meeting so whether or not to tell your ex or parents is the least of your problems right now. You're borrowing trouble and upsetting yourself. Take a breath, shelve that problem and go to a meeting. You'll have time to think about it later when your head is clearer and your soul is in less turmoil.

jobei

Start with your sponsor and work from there... but please... do tell another addict... hopefully one that has some sober time! Please consider how dangerous heroin is... try to think of your kids and the father they want to remember. You may not feel very good about yourself but to those children you are as big as life... regardless of mistakes that you may have made. You've been sober for stretches so you know that you can do it... life got better while you were sober right? If you continue to use it will only get worse... based on what you've written you know this! I will pray for you friend... take care tonight!

ACT10Npack

First off, 9 months sober is a really good job doing. A lot of us would like 9 months of sobriety. You relapse with heroine and alcohol so telling the wrong person can get you in real big trouble. Your going through a divorce and if you and your ex-wife don't get along then she can use that relapse against you and can lose all right to see your kids.

It's really up to you if you want to tell your sponsor. If you don't want to tell him then it may not be the right sponsor for you. Get back on track and try to stay away from trouble like the guy that got you relapse.

Good luck!

tdlev12

Just wanted to update everyone---

I went out again on Monday and Tuesday night

But on wednesday morning, called my network, and got honest

Went to aftercare and a meeting on wed night---yesterday was rough, but at least physcially I am feeling better today

Going to get back on the horse and start moving forward

Thanks everyone for your help

My name is Joe----

Sapling

Glad you're back Joe...Sounds like you've had enough research and developement...Back to the job at hand.

stugotz

I think getting OFF the Horse is direction we need to go....Sorry couldnt resist.

Anyway, listen you screwed up, I really like the fact that you arent blaming all the usual scapegoats. Accountibility and honesty are key. I strongly believe that newcomers take out more newcomers than any other factor. The only time in early recovery you need to be around newcomers is at a meeting. Just sayin...

Dee74

welcome back Joe

D