Amber23

How do I process my fears that if I leave my husband (even for a short time to prove I am serious) he will be suicidal?

I realize that is the only thing truly holding me back.....

He refuses to get help. Just got through drying out (with only one ER visit for seizure!)After a convo last night about his intentions not to drink and dry out for several months and with 5 days sober he bought beer...."to see what it would be like?" Seriously?

I know its time to be strong and do what is best. He is wonderful father but I cannot just allow this to continue. i know I need to leave if even for short time....I know that is his bottom...

But I am seriously worried about suicide...not that he has threatened etc, but I just feel like it may push him too far especially since he will not seek any help in any form....him hitting bottom scares me especially since depressed and this truly is a good man who I love.

I know the general response is not to worry about and do what I need to for me and daughter etc....but anyone been through this worry and work it out successfully? Any insight how I can work through this?

Seren

There has been a thread recently in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum which reminded me about the concept of F.O.G.

Fear
Obligation
Guilt

I know that I will never make the correct decision for myself or anyone else if I am taking action or NOT taking action because of one of these three emotions.

My husband and I have been afraid of my stepson in the past because he has threatened to kill members of his family. Also, he has vaguely threatened to "end it all", too. That's no way for anyone to live--to be held hostage because someone else is playing off of our fears.

My husband has felt obligated to provide for and 'fix' his son (who is now 30) because he is his son and is much loved. But none of us are powerful enough to control or cure an addict.

We have both felt guilty that "Jr." was homeless and living in a mission, but it wasn't our fault. He got himself kicked out by roommate after roommate for stealing and getting drunk or high all the time.

Now, I try to check whether or not any decision I make or any action I take is being driven by F. O. G. and try to find a better path.

Many hugs, HG

Pelican

This is from one of our Sticky Posts:

9. Fear of Negative Outcomes for Relationship Partners

Maybe you get hooked by the fear of the possible negative future outcome if you are not deeply involved in taking care of and fixing your relationship partners. You may be aware of the hooks which keep you boundary-less with your partners. Yet you are afraid to LET GO of the control you have with your relationship partners for fear something very negative might happen to them. Maybe you fear that your relationship partners would become: homeless, hungry, jobless, poor, lonely, scared, go to jail or worse yet die if you do not continue to fix and take care of their needs. This fear of the possible negative future outcomes is so debilitating, that it feels better being sucked dry intellectually, emotionally and physically than to LET GO and watch your relationship partners suffer these feared awful negative outcomes. You find yourself powerless to keep from doing the healthy thing because of the intensity of this fear. You have become a prisoner in the prison of these relationships. You have become a hostage of very powerful, needy, helpless, manipulative "hostage takers." You are a possession of your relationship partners. You find yourself doing all you are asked to insure that these possible negative dreaded outcomes do not happen. You are being emotionally blackmailed and may even have heard threats of suicide if you say you want to change or get out of the relationships the way they are. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am only responsible for my life. No one can make me responsible for my relationship partners' lives. I can choose to feel responsible for my relationship partners' lives, but I cannot control or determine the outcome of their lives no matter how hard I try. I am powerless to control other people, places, things and conditions. The only thing I can control is my own thinking, feeling and actions. I need to hand my relationship partners' problems and needs and the outcomes of their lives over to God. I cannot carry my relationship partners' possible negative future outcomes on my body or I will experience failed emotional and physical health. It is OK for me to expect my relationship partners to accept personal responsibility for their own lives. It is OK to require my relationship partners to accept the consequences for their own actions, choices and decisions."


Here is a link to the entire article:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

outonalimb

((((((((((((Amber))))))))

Fears for my exah (that he might commit suicide, that he would be homeless, that he would suffer greatly) kept me trapped in a relationship/marriage with him for ten years!!
All my worrying...all my 'sacrificing'...all the suffering *I* endured by being a hostage to his addiction didn't do anything to 'help' him. It just made me sick. And I exposed our son (now age 13) to things I shouldn't have.

You are powerless.
You are powerless.
You are powerless over your AH, his disease, his choices.
Let him experience the full consequences of his addiction.
Unless/until he does, he has no real chance at recovery.
Get out of his way. Get our of your Higher Power's way.

Hugs and understanding...
Mary

fedup3

What outonalimb said is so true. I stayed with my ex for way too long thinking I could help or save him when all I was doing was postponing his effort at recovery. I was fearful of him dying if I left him but once I did he actually rose to the occasion and started being responsible for himself. I almost ruined my health because of not letting go of him and that was hitting my own bottom. Please take care of you and your daughter, give yourself the opportunity to start living again and if your husband is the good man you say he is if it weren't for this disease I'm sure he would be telling you the same thing.

Jazzman

I have, but I doubt our definition of "successfully" is the same.

I followed the steps in this post (sticky) and it worked wonders for me.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html