BrainDrained

My mother has been an alcoholic for, as best as I can tell, at least 20 years. I had been suspicious for a long time but it only recently came to light 3 years ago. I had been living about 2000 miles away at the time, came back for a visit, and that is when me and my family intervened. It was not a pretty sight. Her house was cluttered with bottles and trash and she looked like a pregnant, 70lb skeleton. She was taken to the doctor's and was diagnosed with cirrhosis. After that we decided that she would not be able to live on her own and she moved in with her brother. By all accounts, everything seemed to be going fine or as well could be expected. She was going to AA meetings, was seeing a therapist, had adjusted her diet, and she had a comfortable environment with a good amount of support near her. Well, I was recently laid off from work and had my own financial difficulties, so I had to move back home to 'lick my wounds' and get myself back on my feet. Not the living arrangements that a grown man wants to be in but sometimes you have to make a sacrifice in order to gain some ground so I thought I would make the best of it. That was 5 months ago and in hindsight, looks like it was a bad decision. I found out this past weekend that she is drinking again. I had been suspicious for a few months but I wanted so badly to trust her (and in turn not violate her privacy). I searched her bedroom anyway and found bottles stashed between the mattress. It crushed me. I've never had an anxiety attack but I am pretty sure I did that day. I have not confronted her about it yet. I want to, but as the title says, I am so tired of her crap and everything associated with her alcoholism. I absolutely still love the crazy, little, old lady (hey, she's still my mom and always will be) but I am just completely mentally and physically drained. She is manipulative and lies about everything. EVERYTHING!! She would rather tell ridiculous, nonsensical stories instead of simple truths. She lied about still going to AA meetings and as far as I know has not been to a doctor in at least 6 months. Her diet consists of fried, salty, comfort foods and she also smokes like a chimney. I have no idea if she is still taking her required medication.

Has anyone else been stuck in a catch 22 like this?? I want to get the hell out of here, but I can't yet. I have my own problems that I need to solve so I can get on with MY life. I feel that no matter what I say to her, she will not change. The last doctor that I know she saw is practically amazed she is still alive, so I don't even think that if she wanted to commit to changing that she even has the resources, time, or will to do so. Transplant?? I think we can forget about that for obvious reasons.

If anyone has dealt with a similar situation I would love to hear about it. I am so close to buying her a bottle of vodka tomorrow and saying, "Here. Want to kill yourself? Get on with it so the rest of us, myself included, can stop suffering with it."

BRIDE2BE

If anyone has dealt with a similar situation I would love to hear about it. I am so close to buying her a bottle of vodka tomorrow and saying, "Here. Want to kill yourself? Get on with it so the rest of us, myself included, can stop suffering with it."

As sad as this sounds.....growing up with my addict mother i have thought this as well. After all of her OD's and near death experiences and drama that she fills everyones life with. YOU cant change her. I grew up with it and I have a very jaded view on addict behavior (and now that I too am suffering with addiction, I know first hand how hard it really is) It is a battle and she has to want to do it. I hope she gets some help. My advice is to do the best you can with helping her for I know you love her, but this is your life and you must live it. Take care of yourself. i know it is so very hard. I am sorrry you are struggling with this.

Kialua

Welcome BrainDrained. I haven't had that situation, my alcoholic father kept drinking till he was incarcerated at 80 and in lock up treatment. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think some of the information in the "stickies" posted above would help you. Yes she will always be your mother and you will always love her though you may not like what she is doing, I understand that.

lvb6

Sorry, I know it's been a few months since your post but I just wanted to reply to let you know that you're not alone. I'm in a very similar situation.

My mum has been an alcoholic for 35 years - even before me and my sisters were born. A couple of years ago she ended up in hospital with cirrhosis and was put in a rehab treatment programme. It stuck for about 5 months before she started drinking again. Her drinking and depression got worse than they've ever been and after weeks of battling I managed to get her to agree to go back into rehab.

She spent 6 weeks in rehab and many weeks after in councelling. Today, after 8 months sober, she relapsed yet again. She drank so much she was lying on the floor thinking she was in bed.

I'm also feeling so tired and sick of dealing with the same thing over and over again. I'm 25 and despite having lived away from home for 4 years I've been back living with my parents for 2 years because I feel responsible for her welfare. I thought I'd finally got to a point where I could move on and get on with my life and am actually due to move out on Sunday. Now though, I don't know what I'll do. I'm currently waiting for an out of hours doctor to come and see her, even though she said she doesn't want to speak to anyone about it - I don't think he'll talk any sense into her and now, I just don't have the energy to try and get through to her all over again.

I think lost is a good word to describe the feeling.

I hope that now you're a couple of months down the line you've found a way to cope with your situation.

PaperDolls

Welcome to SR ivb6. I'm glad you found us.

I understand feeling like I was responsible for my mother's welfare. I did so with disregard to my own welfare.

Have you looked into Alanon in your area?

lvb6

Hi Paper Dolls,

Thanks for your reply.

I've been to AA for family members meetings before, which kind of helped me. AA for my mum just doesn't seem to be an option though, she didn't even go when she first came out of rehab - she said it was useless to her.

I so want to be able to move on with my life but guilt stops me - I feel like it's my job to fix her and it's just impossible. My sister cut off my mum nearly 2 years ago now and I'm actually jealous that she had the strength to walk away!

PaperDolls

It's not an easy thing to do. I know.

My mom has been sober now for 8+ years. I didn't think she would ever get sober. And by the way, for the first 5 years at least, she did it without AA. Now she goes to meetings here and there but I don't think she enjoys it much. There's a longer story behind that but it's not important.

AA is for alcoholics and Alanon is for friends and family of alcoholics. You may find that Alanon is more helpful to you. You'll meet people that understand exactly how you're feeling AND some solutions.

Mracoa

Welcome Ivb6. It's is difficult. But you hit the nail on the head when you say it's impossible. It is impossible to fix them. But you can fix yourself. That's easier to do if you leave them. But even if you are not ready for that step, you can start with some healthy detachment.

Don't try to fix or rescue. Practice realizing that your Mom's problems are her own. You don't need to feel guilt over not helping her. If there are opportunites to let her suffer her own consequences, let it happen. She will blame you, she will try to make you feel guilty. But it's not your fault, it's hers. And you can remember what Mrthekla said and smile a little inside instead of wanting to curl up in a ball and cry.

jwall

I know exactly what your going through, your mom and my mom are similar with the smoking and drinking. I too still live at home, but I wont for long because of my moms alcoholism. My mom is the same, the countless lying about aa meetings, its crazy. The best thing for you to do is separate yourself from her, there really is nothing you can say or do to get her to stop drinking. Its a tough thing to do, but all you can really do is focus on yourself.