lylajane

Hey everyone..thank you taking the time to read this. When I first started dating my boyfriend I had no clue he was using drugs. I only found out when he got arrested for a FTA. He thought I would never speak to him again after learning he had went to jail. I did however start visiting him. He was happy that I stuck by him threw that time. After he was released, everything was fine. Then while he was sobering up, he realizes that he needs to distance himself from me, afraid to hurt me emotionally later down the road. He is doing really well on recovering. I am finding it hard to keep my distance, I really want to be there for him through this. He is talking to a therapist. Its breaking my heart not being able to be with him. i asked him what does he want me to do bc at first I figure he just wants me to go away, that all those feelings we had were never real. He tells me he wants to be with me, and hes afraid while I am waiting on him,I will find someone else..he says he don't want me too. I am trying to be patient and not push myself on him. We see each other often, but never really speak, and its hard looking at him knowing I have to give him his space right now. I want to hug him, just something..and I always noticing him staring at me, but he won't ever say anything..every now and then he will..I have gotten a few hugs here and there..but its killing me we can't be together like we were before..do I wait on him? Someone please just tell me something..I am struggling so hard with this..and I know he is too with his recovery..I just need some advice on what to do and what not to do..please?dunno

EnglishGarden

Welcome, lylajane.

At the top of the opening page are items labeled "STICKY". They link you to articles about addiction and codependency. It would help you if you began reading those.

I hesitate to address your concerns because right now you are pretty hooked on him.

Basically, though, he is a drug addict and while there is a very small chance he is actually working on recovery, there is a much bigger probability that he is lying to you and is actively using.

As you describe, you were unable to tell that he was on drugs before, when you were dating him. The same is true today.

If, however, he is in fact trying to get clean, then the advice he will receive from drug counselors and recovering addicts is to focus on himself and not distract himself with a girlfriend. The first year of getting clean is very intense for a drug addict, extremely stressful, and we have to remember that drug addiction has a fatal outcome if not arrested. So he will be advised to give all his energy and focus and commitment to that.

He does not need your help or your support. In fact, a codependent without her own long recovery is usually harmful to an addict. She is so easily lied to and manipulated and exploited, and what addicts need around them are people who know how to say NO.

But if you read the forum here, you will learn much and you will be better able to make good choices. For now, it is best to maintain that separation.

We are glad you joined.

amaslow

You cannot help him.. He has to do this himself.. What I wonder is why you are not questioning your interest in him at this point..I think you need to be reflecting on what is best for you.. Being involved with a newly recovering or any addict for that matter, is no cup of tea... Romantic love can be a choice.. You need to make a choice on what is best for you.. However, he is wisely no wanting to be involved with you right now.. You need to honor that..Let him go.. start looking at yourself..

dollydo

He needs time, he needs to focus on his recovery, free from any drama related to a relationship. It is not the end of the world if you give him the space he needs now so that he can get healthy, at the same time you can learn more about addiction and codependency, go to Naranon meetings, read Codependent No More.

If the relationship is meant to be for the long haul, it will happen, let him breath, let him find himself.