my fiance might be using again.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3
my fiance might be using again.
I have been with my fiance since i was 14 i am now 22. I really love him. at least i love who he is when he isnt using. he started using in high school behind my back then he went off to collge where things got so much worse. he has wrecked all the vehicles he has ever had.
I had no idea what he was into or how bad it really was until he got kicked out of college and came home to live with his parents. One night he decided to open up to me and said he had been planning to kill himself and let me read the suicide letters he had wrote to his parents and 1 to me. he then showed me the track marks on his arm and old me he had been shooting up oxycotin.
I was so confused on how someone who had a great family and good up bringing could be involved in doing such a horrible thing. and on top of that he was selling the stuff. how could someone i thought i knew so well be doing this behind my back?
his parents found out shortly afterward and took him to a rehab where he didnt even stay the night and they paid off all the people he owned money to and got him on a suboxone program.
He was clean for a year and our relationship was stronger than ever we moved into an apartment on our own he had a job again and a car. but little did i know the month before we moved in together he had starting using and selling drugs again because the people he worked with were into all that.
i finally found out when we went and chilis with a friend of mine before going to the hospital to visit her mom because she had a quadruple bipass. he said he wasnt feeling well and went out to the car. our food had got there and he wasnt back yet so i went out to check on him and what i saw dramatically changed my life forever. he had a captian morgan bag with the strings tied around the top of his arm with a needle in his vein and several spoons in his lap.
I thought i would for sure be done with him after that but i stayed thinking it was the first time he had relapsed. but in the following months my life turned into a living hell. he was lying all the time. always coming home late from work. we would get in horrible fights where he would break everything in his way. then one day i came home to what looked like someone had broken into our apartment. our laptop was missing there was paper and all kinds of junk all over the floor. i called him and he told me to call the police and i did. they came took a report and then left he later called them back without my knowledge and said that he found a duffle bag full of his clothes in the dumpster. the police then became very suspicious and asked me if he had a history of drug abuse. i said yes? and they told me they were pretty sure he was on something.
the next day he totalled his car and fired from his job and had a pending dui charge. I left him that day after he admitted he had been doing drugs for the last six months and he sold our laptop to buy drugs. also after getting an overdraft fee from my bank discovered that he had been taking my card at night when i was sleeping and getting money out of the atm to buy drugs. all together from the last months bank statement he had stolen $840 from me.
He promised to change his life around and his dad begged me to stay with him so i did. and everything was pretty good for a while although i felt the need to search my house for drugs often and look through his phone and never really trusted him again but things were going fine. he got a new job and enrolled to go back to college and was doing well. he asked me to marry him and i said yes. we then moved into a new apartment together and have been living here for a month.
the last 3 days he has been falling asleep around the house and says he is always tired. he has blamed in on several things from his contacts to allergys.
but today he kept going back into the closet in our bedroom which was making me suspicious. so i asked to see his phone and he had a message in his phone from someone he works with saying " hey are you gonna hook me up with a couple of z's i gave you the other day" and another one saying "one of these days we will find some oxy we can afford" he said he was talking about zytec or something like that an over the counter pill for stomach aches in the first one. and in the second he was leading the guy on about getting pills for him because the guy kept asking him to and he didnt want to.
My first instinct of course is to not believe him. but he says he isnt doing drugs anymore and wouldnt do that to me again. I want to leave but something always holds me here. plus we just moved in here and its expensive to break our lease. i dont know what to do anymore and i need some advice.
I had no idea what he was into or how bad it really was until he got kicked out of college and came home to live with his parents. One night he decided to open up to me and said he had been planning to kill himself and let me read the suicide letters he had wrote to his parents and 1 to me. he then showed me the track marks on his arm and old me he had been shooting up oxycotin.
I was so confused on how someone who had a great family and good up bringing could be involved in doing such a horrible thing. and on top of that he was selling the stuff. how could someone i thought i knew so well be doing this behind my back?
his parents found out shortly afterward and took him to a rehab where he didnt even stay the night and they paid off all the people he owned money to and got him on a suboxone program.
He was clean for a year and our relationship was stronger than ever we moved into an apartment on our own he had a job again and a car. but little did i know the month before we moved in together he had starting using and selling drugs again because the people he worked with were into all that.
i finally found out when we went and chilis with a friend of mine before going to the hospital to visit her mom because she had a quadruple bipass. he said he wasnt feeling well and went out to the car. our food had got there and he wasnt back yet so i went out to check on him and what i saw dramatically changed my life forever. he had a captian morgan bag with the strings tied around the top of his arm with a needle in his vein and several spoons in his lap.
I thought i would for sure be done with him after that but i stayed thinking it was the first time he had relapsed. but in the following months my life turned into a living hell. he was lying all the time. always coming home late from work. we would get in horrible fights where he would break everything in his way. then one day i came home to what looked like someone had broken into our apartment. our laptop was missing there was paper and all kinds of junk all over the floor. i called him and he told me to call the police and i did. they came took a report and then left he later called them back without my knowledge and said that he found a duffle bag full of his clothes in the dumpster. the police then became very suspicious and asked me if he had a history of drug abuse. i said yes? and they told me they were pretty sure he was on something.
the next day he totalled his car and fired from his job and had a pending dui charge. I left him that day after he admitted he had been doing drugs for the last six months and he sold our laptop to buy drugs. also after getting an overdraft fee from my bank discovered that he had been taking my card at night when i was sleeping and getting money out of the atm to buy drugs. all together from the last months bank statement he had stolen $840 from me.
He promised to change his life around and his dad begged me to stay with him so i did. and everything was pretty good for a while although i felt the need to search my house for drugs often and look through his phone and never really trusted him again but things were going fine. he got a new job and enrolled to go back to college and was doing well. he asked me to marry him and i said yes. we then moved into a new apartment together and have been living here for a month.
the last 3 days he has been falling asleep around the house and says he is always tired. he has blamed in on several things from his contacts to allergys.
but today he kept going back into the closet in our bedroom which was making me suspicious. so i asked to see his phone and he had a message in his phone from someone he works with saying " hey are you gonna hook me up with a couple of z's i gave you the other day" and another one saying "one of these days we will find some oxy we can afford" he said he was talking about zytec or something like that an over the counter pill for stomach aches in the first one. and in the second he was leading the guy on about getting pills for him because the guy kept asking him to and he didnt want to.
My first instinct of course is to not believe him. but he says he isnt doing drugs anymore and wouldnt do that to me again. I want to leave but something always holds me here. plus we just moved in here and its expensive to break our lease. i dont know what to do anymore and i need some advice.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
((((((bluylw))))) I am sorry for what your going through, I have been with my AH since I was 15 I am now 46, hon you don't wanna stay in this for all those years. He is lying and you know it. His dad is being very selfish asking you to stay. His family seems too be enabling him. PLEASE read the stickies at the top of the forum, read Codependent No More, great book, Do you have any kids? Stick around and read all you can think about getting some help for yourself.
Nar-anon, Ala non and Families Anonymous are good places for you to help you.
Nar-anon, Ala non and Families Anonymous are good places for you to help you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
IMO, if he is not working a recovery program daily, he is NOT clean.
I used to believe my husband could just "quit" too but he was only abstaining. He also tried to quit (on his own) with suboxone and he was never successful for any substantial period of time. (5 months)
His own words to me have been, if I ever stopped going to NA and/or AA meetings, you have your answer. I believe that.
Just my (or should I say his) experience with trying to get clean from pain pills.
I used to believe my husband could just "quit" too but he was only abstaining. He also tried to quit (on his own) with suboxone and he was never successful for any substantial period of time. (5 months)
His own words to me have been, if I ever stopped going to NA and/or AA meetings, you have your answer. I believe that.
Just my (or should I say his) experience with trying to get clean from pain pills.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Is it time to give up the hopeful fantasy of the guy you want and need him to be and focus on who he is, right now ?
He's doing what addicts do, lying, manipulating and stealing. What is it about addiction that makes this acceptable to you?
He's doing what addicts do, lying, manipulating and stealing. What is it about addiction that makes this acceptable to you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3
We do not have kids together. Nothing that he did is ok with me. I know his parents are enabling him. they keep buying him vehicles even though he has wrecked all the other ones they bought him and they buy him new stuff all the time and give him money whenever he asks. they also pay for his treatment. he has been on suboxone for about 2.5 years he was almost done with his taper down before he came clean about doing drugs again and now he is taking 4 mg strips everyday. ( or he is supppose to be)
I know i should leave. I just dont know how to go about it, especially since we just got a new apartment together and i cant afford it by myself and breaking the lease is also expensive. plus his family has become apart of my family and i wouldnt only be losing him, but i fear all of them as well.
should i just suck it up and leave and let the pieces fall where they may and try to some how deal with the financial burden?
I know i should leave. I just dont know how to go about it, especially since we just got a new apartment together and i cant afford it by myself and breaking the lease is also expensive. plus his family has become apart of my family and i wouldnt only be losing him, but i fear all of them as well.
should i just suck it up and leave and let the pieces fall where they may and try to some how deal with the financial burden?
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"should i just suck it up and leave and let the pieces fall where they may and try to some how deal with the financial burden?"
Yep, that's what I would suggest, he is not in recovery, he is on the road to serious trouble. You have a choice, go down with the boat, or swim to the shore, I'd start swimming...you are too young to be wasting your life on a drug addict.
Yep, that's what I would suggest, he is not in recovery, he is on the road to serious trouble. You have a choice, go down with the boat, or swim to the shore, I'd start swimming...you are too young to be wasting your life on a drug addict.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Another heartbreaking story. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have been through this enough times to know that he's lying to you and that he's using again. You have to decide what YOUR boundaries are and what you are willing to live with. The outlook for recovery for your fiance doesn't look good right now. IMO, being on suboxone is not being clean. It's a partial opioid and addictive. It has it's place in helping a person who can't do it on his own GET to recovery, but I wouldn't view someone taking it as truly being in recovery until they've tapered it down to nothing and can sustain on their own (with a recovery program, of course). Doesn't sound like your fiance ever gets to that point. I've read a lot of posts on the Substance Abuse forum about suboxone, and it seems the opinions of most of the addicts there is that its use doesn't bode well for long term recovery. Most who have posted say that they don't know anyone who has ever truly gotten clean using suboxone as a maintenance drug, and that everyone they know who have used it long term has relapsed. The two rehab facilities to which my AS went both used it only as a detox tool, weaning him off the stuff after 4 or 5 days.
I can completely relate to your shock in seeing your fiance in the car with the needle in his arm. I had the exact same experience with my AS in the driveway of my home, and that image will forever be burned into my brain. It was like a horror movie come to life; prior to that, I'd had no idea he was using heroin. Your post called up another memory that preceded that horrific day, one that I hadn't recalled until now. Some weeks earlier, I had gone into his car to get something and saw a soup spoon from my kitchen sitting on the passenger seat. I remember thinking, "what in the world is a clean spoon -- sitting all by itself - doing on the front seat of his car?" I shrugged my shoulders and took it into the house. Thought nothing more about it. Didn't even ask him about it, as it seemed so innocuous at the time. I just forgot about it ... until now. I had NO IDEA what I now realize he was obviously using it for.
I can completely relate to your shock in seeing your fiance in the car with the needle in his arm. I had the exact same experience with my AS in the driveway of my home, and that image will forever be burned into my brain. It was like a horror movie come to life; prior to that, I'd had no idea he was using heroin. Your post called up another memory that preceded that horrific day, one that I hadn't recalled until now. Some weeks earlier, I had gone into his car to get something and saw a soup spoon from my kitchen sitting on the passenger seat. I remember thinking, "what in the world is a clean spoon -- sitting all by itself - doing on the front seat of his car?" I shrugged my shoulders and took it into the house. Thought nothing more about it. Didn't even ask him about it, as it seemed so innocuous at the time. I just forgot about it ... until now. I had NO IDEA what I now realize he was obviously using it for.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
bluylw, his behavior sounds just like my ex who was addicted to IV heroin.
My ex also would fall asleep randomly, ie: in the middle of a conversation with me.. on the phone, he also fell asleep in a grocery market parking lot for 12 hours with his car STILL RUNNING. Like your fiance, he also blamed it on things like allergies for his tiredness and droopy eyes. Like you, I once chose to believe him. I thought, if I love you and care for you with all of my heart... you will stop, you will try for me... WRONG!! Thinking back "Allergies" Come on!! Who are we kidding to believe that those could be the cause for such crazy behaviors?? Funny how the reasons that addicts give are so similar...
I just want to ask you... do you want to spend your youthful years suffering and suffering for a person who will just suck you dry and not care that you are in pain and agony? Trust me, when I tell you that he doesnt care that you are suffering, he really doesnt because his own need for drugs matters more.
You are 22 and so young and you can still have a bright future if you want to... an engagement means nothing, breaking an expensive lease means nothing... YOUR LIFE IS SOMETHING!!
I pray that you get yourself out. I hope you are not in a position in your 30s and 40s wondering... "What would my 20s have been like without this person ruining my life?" You are supposed to be in a period of your life where you are creating bright, happy and fun memories with GOOD PEOPLE.
I saw a quote today and it read:
"The first step to getting anywhere is to decide that you are NO LONGER WILLING to stay where you are"
I hope you gather the strength to make the decision that you are No Longer willing to live in (your own words) a "living hell"
Start planing your escape. I was once JUST like you and after cutting this person off from my life one year later... I still have MUCH MUCH healing to do myself. However, I can now sleep through the night, I dont isolate myself from my friends and family, I dont have chest pain and anxiety all day long, I am no longer depleting all of my energy and money trying to carry my ex and keep him off drugs... I am now FOCUSING ON ME because I am a good person and I deserve better. I deserve people who will care for me and respect me. True Love doesnt hurt, period.
You must tell yourself that.
My ex also would fall asleep randomly, ie: in the middle of a conversation with me.. on the phone, he also fell asleep in a grocery market parking lot for 12 hours with his car STILL RUNNING. Like your fiance, he also blamed it on things like allergies for his tiredness and droopy eyes. Like you, I once chose to believe him. I thought, if I love you and care for you with all of my heart... you will stop, you will try for me... WRONG!! Thinking back "Allergies" Come on!! Who are we kidding to believe that those could be the cause for such crazy behaviors?? Funny how the reasons that addicts give are so similar...
I just want to ask you... do you want to spend your youthful years suffering and suffering for a person who will just suck you dry and not care that you are in pain and agony? Trust me, when I tell you that he doesnt care that you are suffering, he really doesnt because his own need for drugs matters more.
You are 22 and so young and you can still have a bright future if you want to... an engagement means nothing, breaking an expensive lease means nothing... YOUR LIFE IS SOMETHING!!
I pray that you get yourself out. I hope you are not in a position in your 30s and 40s wondering... "What would my 20s have been like without this person ruining my life?" You are supposed to be in a period of your life where you are creating bright, happy and fun memories with GOOD PEOPLE.
I saw a quote today and it read:
"The first step to getting anywhere is to decide that you are NO LONGER WILLING to stay where you are"
I hope you gather the strength to make the decision that you are No Longer willing to live in (your own words) a "living hell"
Start planing your escape. I was once JUST like you and after cutting this person off from my life one year later... I still have MUCH MUCH healing to do myself. However, I can now sleep through the night, I dont isolate myself from my friends and family, I dont have chest pain and anxiety all day long, I am no longer depleting all of my energy and money trying to carry my ex and keep him off drugs... I am now FOCUSING ON ME because I am a good person and I deserve better. I deserve people who will care for me and respect me. True Love doesnt hurt, period.
You must tell yourself that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Coming here with your story and telling us about it says to me you know what you should do--you just don't like what you know about the situation. You know it is only going to get worse. Your boyfriend will bring you down further than you already are if you allow him to do so. How far do you want to sink before you reach your limit? One way or the other, it'll happen. You'll reach your limit. Now or later. Suck it up and face the music now. It is so hard to do, but you have to face the music eventually.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
He was never clean. He was drinking alcohol (a drug) and has a pending DUI charge. People don't send text messages concerning allergy drugs like Zyrtec. They simply go to the drug store & buy them.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 15
I think you should leave. Even if it was just for 3 days or a week... If you did I guarantee you he will see what he had and have a much better chance to change his ways.. Not bashing suboxone.. But most on suboxone are not in serious treatment programs where I chose methadone and I am in a daily treatment program at my local VA where I attend groups and have a great private social worker supporting me so I have been clean for 2 months now... What made me do this is my parents said no more and I had to leave and I was pretty much homeless for a 3-4 days and lost all my money and when you lose everything you see what you had and really miss it and choose to change for real.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
your whole romantic life you have been with this guy...it is all you know. it is not even possible for you to personally understand what "love looks like"...seriously it's a condition that happens when your environment has been this way so long. it's like an abused child, they don't even understand that love isn't supposed to hurt that way.
you have been around it so long that the lies don't even seem bad
if his parents are always stepping up and giving him a car and money then they can step up and enable him some more when you walk out on him and the lease.
you are FREE to go
your life is waiting for you, and you know it, and within a short period of time (it'll take a recovery commitment on your part to break your lifelong pattern of being with him) you are going to be astoundingly amazed at what it is like to live in freedom without an addict
you will be amazed. period.
you have been around it so long that the lies don't even seem bad
if his parents are always stepping up and giving him a car and money then they can step up and enable him some more when you walk out on him and the lease.
you are FREE to go
your life is waiting for you, and you know it, and within a short period of time (it'll take a recovery commitment on your part to break your lifelong pattern of being with him) you are going to be astoundingly amazed at what it is like to live in freedom without an addict
you will be amazed. period.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
leslie, is right as I said before I got with my AH when I was young and he smoked pot then I saw no problem with that I grew up around it I thought it was "normal" Then the kids started coming now 31 years later he is on only God knows what all and I am trying to pick up the pieces of life. You deserve better don't do like I did.
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