I can't get over him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10
I can't get over him.
I have been with my addict for 8 years and we have been married for 3 years. We have a 6 year old daughter together. We are now legally separated and waiting for the divorce to go through. He has been addicted to crack since I met him back when we were 18 years old. He has put me through so much pain and suffering. I have had everything I own stolen from me and pawned on multiple occasions. I have had to sleep with my purse and keys between my legs.
He went to rehab about 8 times since 2009 and every time he went I thought he was going to get better. Last summer I finally got up the nerve to leave him and I moved out with our daughter. A couple months after that he wound up in rehab again and promised once again he would be changed. We are always so happy when he is in rehab and doing well. He completed the rehab and moved into a halfway house and stayed there until December when he got kicked out. He convinced me it wasn't anything he had done and I allowed him to move back home. We had the best month in December then January came.
Within 3 weeks of using again he was the worst I had ever seen him. My stuff quickly went back to the pawn shop. I would go to work and come home to find him and my things gone. When he didn't come home one night I locked up my house and went to work. When I came home I found he had broken in and stolen my laptop with all of our daughters pictures from when she was a baby on it. I couldn't get the laptop back because he had taken it to a trap house. He began living in his car and would show up after he had been up for days threatening me. I called the cops and they said the only way I could keep him away legally was to divorce him.
I now have a restraining order against him and he only has supervised daytime visitation with our daughter. After everything that has happened I should want him out of my life forever. For some reason I can't think that way. He always does so well when I leave him and it makes me think what if he really stays sober this time. I can't get over him. I feel like I am always the one who gets hurt. I stay with him I get hurt and when I leave him I get hurt. I don't want him to be able to hurt me anymore. Any advice is appreciated.
He went to rehab about 8 times since 2009 and every time he went I thought he was going to get better. Last summer I finally got up the nerve to leave him and I moved out with our daughter. A couple months after that he wound up in rehab again and promised once again he would be changed. We are always so happy when he is in rehab and doing well. He completed the rehab and moved into a halfway house and stayed there until December when he got kicked out. He convinced me it wasn't anything he had done and I allowed him to move back home. We had the best month in December then January came.
Within 3 weeks of using again he was the worst I had ever seen him. My stuff quickly went back to the pawn shop. I would go to work and come home to find him and my things gone. When he didn't come home one night I locked up my house and went to work. When I came home I found he had broken in and stolen my laptop with all of our daughters pictures from when she was a baby on it. I couldn't get the laptop back because he had taken it to a trap house. He began living in his car and would show up after he had been up for days threatening me. I called the cops and they said the only way I could keep him away legally was to divorce him.
I now have a restraining order against him and he only has supervised daytime visitation with our daughter. After everything that has happened I should want him out of my life forever. For some reason I can't think that way. He always does so well when I leave him and it makes me think what if he really stays sober this time. I can't get over him. I feel like I am always the one who gets hurt. I stay with him I get hurt and when I leave him I get hurt. I don't want him to be able to hurt me anymore. Any advice is appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,892
Wow, you have certainly been through a lot. No wonder you don't know whether you are coming or going. ((((HUGS))))
Sweetie, it is going to take time. So much drama going on for so many years is bound to affect you mentally. It is called Post-Traumatic Stress. You brain is having a hard time catching up with all the physical things you have had to do to get yourself to a safe place. I think some therapy might be good for you, but in any case, please know that you are not going to get over all that has happened in the past 8 years in just a few weeks or even months. This is going to all take time.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please take some time and read the "stickie" posts at the very top of this forum. There is a lot of really good information there. Please come back and read and post often. It will help.
So glad you found us. I hope we can help you to start feeling a bit better. In time, you will feel much better.
Sweetie, it is going to take time. So much drama going on for so many years is bound to affect you mentally. It is called Post-Traumatic Stress. You brain is having a hard time catching up with all the physical things you have had to do to get yourself to a safe place. I think some therapy might be good for you, but in any case, please know that you are not going to get over all that has happened in the past 8 years in just a few weeks or even months. This is going to all take time.
Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here. Please take some time and read the "stickie" posts at the very top of this forum. There is a lot of really good information there. Please come back and read and post often. It will help.
So glad you found us. I hope we can help you to start feeling a bit better. In time, you will feel much better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TN
Posts: 24
I am so sorry. You are doing what is best. Leaving someone you love is,hard. I dont reeally have any good advice since this is all new to me but I think you are,on the,right track. There is a lot of history and you have a child together. You are used to the chaos,by now. Keep doing what is,best for you and your daughter. I know its hard. You willfind someone to love you as you love them some day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
my handsome sweet charming funny loving EX is a crack head.
he would sneer at me if he knew I was calling him that. but he's been in and out and in and out and in and out for TWENTY YEARS!!! and hasn't had a year strung together. usually only a couple of months. crack and meth are seriously insane
I was only with him for two and half years, and have been broken up for four months...and the memory of him is like a trigger, it creeps around in the back of my mind just like my craving for a DQ blizzard. I just think it through every time. I wasn't stolen from but I was lied to. I was manipulated. I was blamed. I started taking on the same characteristics of "splittedness" that he has (hello! love/hate, leave/stay)
I wouldn't even consider dating anyone who had even ever had a passing thought of doing crack. never again. yeah, I had my demons with alcoholism but that drug is pure evil.
kids, house, love, vocation, school, family, friends...everything and everybody goes up in smoke around that stuff...crack kills and it steals life.
early on in my relationship I told him I would not allow him to feed my heart to his crack addiction...but then I kept coming back around, couldn't stay away, let him feed little pieces of my heart, mind and soul to that crack pipe just like it was a rock bought from a ***** in the hood...
I had to quit MY addiction, I had to get deep deep into recovery and go through the withdrawls of him...I had to have people holding me accountable...and I lost some people along the way. I started to lose my life, my friends, my family to my codependency to that crackhead.
you can do it. you can quit your codependency to crack. get recovery, and get therapy...get whatever you can and get away from that evil ####!
he would sneer at me if he knew I was calling him that. but he's been in and out and in and out and in and out for TWENTY YEARS!!! and hasn't had a year strung together. usually only a couple of months. crack and meth are seriously insane
I was only with him for two and half years, and have been broken up for four months...and the memory of him is like a trigger, it creeps around in the back of my mind just like my craving for a DQ blizzard. I just think it through every time. I wasn't stolen from but I was lied to. I was manipulated. I was blamed. I started taking on the same characteristics of "splittedness" that he has (hello! love/hate, leave/stay)
I wouldn't even consider dating anyone who had even ever had a passing thought of doing crack. never again. yeah, I had my demons with alcoholism but that drug is pure evil.
kids, house, love, vocation, school, family, friends...everything and everybody goes up in smoke around that stuff...crack kills and it steals life.
early on in my relationship I told him I would not allow him to feed my heart to his crack addiction...but then I kept coming back around, couldn't stay away, let him feed little pieces of my heart, mind and soul to that crack pipe just like it was a rock bought from a ***** in the hood...
I had to quit MY addiction, I had to get deep deep into recovery and go through the withdrawls of him...I had to have people holding me accountable...and I lost some people along the way. I started to lose my life, my friends, my family to my codependency to that crackhead.
you can do it. you can quit your codependency to crack. get recovery, and get therapy...get whatever you can and get away from that evil ####!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.
There is hope. It may not feel like it right now but there is hope. There comes a time when enough is just enough. You deserve a good life and so does your little one.
Have you done anything for you during his rehab time? Meetings or counseling? It's a tough road to travel and having a good support network helps.
Stick around. Write it out. Read. Ask questions. All of us have dealt with an addict in our lives (or two or more) and we understand how terribly it can fog up your thinking. It takes time and, if you really want to feel better, it takes some work. But you can do it.
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
There is hope. It may not feel like it right now but there is hope. There comes a time when enough is just enough. You deserve a good life and so does your little one.
Have you done anything for you during his rehab time? Meetings or counseling? It's a tough road to travel and having a good support network helps.
Stick around. Write it out. Read. Ask questions. All of us have dealt with an addict in our lives (or two or more) and we understand how terribly it can fog up your thinking. It takes time and, if you really want to feel better, it takes some work. But you can do it.
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 97
Everyday that you spend thinking about him is a day that you are not in a good place for your child...Is this what your baby deserves? Who knows if he will ever get clean.. If he does he will be a long time getting to a place with maturity.. What I learned about me when I was married to an addict was that I am as sick as he is, only a different disease.. like Yin and Yang... He is a bad addict.. your co-dependance may be of equal acuity.. GET HELP as soon as possible!! HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by wantinhope 
He has put me through so much pain and suffering.
Professional counseling could help you learn how to establish and enforce boundaries to protect yourself and your child from further pain and suffering.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
8 rehabs since 2009? That is a lot of treatment centers. The hard truth is that there are some addicts that will never get better. IMO some of them really want to be clean yet still continue to relapse for many years. Similar to other chronic diseases treatment is not always effective. I would take care of yourself & daughter first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 10
This last time he went to rehab I got very involved. It started by us doing counseling together. Then I started going to Al-anon a lot. I would go to my meeting when he went to his meeting. Then he stopped wanting to go to meetings. I would get ready to go and he would not want to go. Then I just stopped going.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
wantinhope...
First off, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's awful, and you've had to make some tough decisions that (I hope) you're giving yourself credit for.
I don't know the first thing about crack, but anvilhead's warning to you should be sufficient, as she's in recovery. What I do know about is boundaries, and I'd like to share what I've learned.
I believe it is possible to still love someone, even after they've done horrible things. But you can't give yourself permission to let your guard down when you're dealing with an addict. You can't delude yourself into thinking that if you love someone, then everything will somehow turn out OK. Because it doesn't work that way. In my own case, my AXGF did some pretty horrendous things, the result of which mean I'm glad she's gone and have no positive feelings for her whatsoever. But there's also someone in my life that came before her that, for my own protection, I can't let be in my life in an emotionally intimate way but I love her very, very much.
So, what I'm saying is accept your feelings for what they are, but protect yourself. Pray for your husband, and ask God to take some of the burden off you every day and to protect you and your daughter. Your husband's a very, very sick man. You can't help him. You can only help you, and your daughter, and that means putting yourself first and giving your husband over to the care of his Higher Power.
Please, be safe. I'll be thinking of you today.
ZoSo
First off, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It's awful, and you've had to make some tough decisions that (I hope) you're giving yourself credit for.
I don't know the first thing about crack, but anvilhead's warning to you should be sufficient, as she's in recovery. What I do know about is boundaries, and I'd like to share what I've learned.
I believe it is possible to still love someone, even after they've done horrible things. But you can't give yourself permission to let your guard down when you're dealing with an addict. You can't delude yourself into thinking that if you love someone, then everything will somehow turn out OK. Because it doesn't work that way. In my own case, my AXGF did some pretty horrendous things, the result of which mean I'm glad she's gone and have no positive feelings for her whatsoever. But there's also someone in my life that came before her that, for my own protection, I can't let be in my life in an emotionally intimate way but I love her very, very much.
So, what I'm saying is accept your feelings for what they are, but protect yourself. Pray for your husband, and ask God to take some of the burden off you every day and to protect you and your daughter. Your husband's a very, very sick man. You can't help him. You can only help you, and your daughter, and that means putting yourself first and giving your husband over to the care of his Higher Power.
Please, be safe. I'll be thinking of you today.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: new jersey
Posts: 15
Im sorry for what your going through.. I advise taking the cops suggestion and divorcing him.. I had a brother also who stole things very important to me where to this day makes me angry. Because of what he did to me and my mom I never committed a crime to hurt my family when I was addicted to opiates.. The thing is there is no Drug Assisted Therapy for Cocaine/Meth addiction like we opiate users have Methadone and Suboxone which can save our lives and has mine.. If you cannot leave him I advise having him try Kratom... I know many whom use it now, its a natural leaf but is also a stimulant and increase's dopamine in the brain. But he will never succeed on any medicine unless he is in some kind of program.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
