itsmylifenow

I haven't been here in awhile. Why? Because the last thing I was writing about how I had been moving on from the xA and how we were done and that was that.

But, I let him back in. And, whenever I do that I become ashamed of myself. Ashamed that whatever my need is to have him around is still there. That I have yet to break my co-dependency on him. That I have spouted off words of advice to others and sounded so convincing to myself as well, when I failed at staying away once again myself.

I think I can deal with it. Again. Think I can figure out the right things to say. Figure after 3 years I've got it down. I know the triggers, I know when to stop saying things that cause issues, I know the routine.

I'm listening to myself right now thinking what have I done to myself by staying with him? I'm having to create my responses to him. To react to him and what he does. I can no longer react in a natural way. Not even sure what that is anymore. Every reaction has been carefully thought out. Carefully woven to keep the most peace and lessen the aggravation.

I'm tired of the blame. The control. I go out for an hour to hear a band and have one drink, and I'm chastised for wanting to go out and have a good time without him. He wasn't even in town. He calls me from out of town...I'm happy to hear his voice, truly glad to talk to him. And, he gives me the third degree. What did I do Friday night, who was there, who wasn't there, what are my plans for tonight, what - I want to go out alone to a bar - have a good life and enjoy yourself...I'm going to do the same.

I've started writing a story. The words are flowing effortless and as I'm creating it I feel as though they are words that are meant to be. It's about this couple and how much they care for each other. And, the woman is describing all the wonderful qualities the man she loves has. He is so caring, so thoughtful, he takes care of her and her needs. He is responsible and people respect him. He is a giving man but not for selfish egotistical needs but because it's who he is. He's successful, not for money or greed or power, but because he truly cares about what he does. Cares about who he helps.

This story is the man I feel belongs with me. It's what I dream about finding. But, that dream seems impossible when I haven't cut loose from the chain I have put around my own neck.

Yes, I have been ashamed to come back to this board. At this point, I don't feel I can offer advice to anyone, so I hope you don't mind if I merely hang here and try to collect myself again. This forum has been wonderful for me, so thanks to everyone for that.

EnglishGarden

The story wasn't finished, that's all. Your story with him, I mean. More needed to be revealed. And is being revealed. There is never a need to feel ashamed for continuing to gain awareness. As long as you are not in danger--nor children being harmed--then there is no wrong.

Something more just needs to come to light. No one knows that that is. But if you are with this man again, there is a reason.

You will figure this out, it is one of your life lessons in progress.

I have been in your situation. We just do our best. Welcome back!

CatsPajamas

Don't beat yourself up about this. When I read your post, I thought of my friends and loved ones who have struggled -addicts, alcoholics, friends and family too. Sometimes they aren't quite "done" yet with whatever they're struggling with and they have to make some adjustments and see if it works. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't.

When my sons talk to me about things like this, they always know what I will say: "wow, that was interesting. What did you learn? What will you do differently next time?"

Each of us has our own journey. You've helped a lot of people already just by sharing yours so far.

I hope you're able to see the lessons and figure out what you might need to do differently to keep you on your path of healing and growth.

Big hugs.

Cats

marie1960

Itsmylifenow,

Welcome back.

Glad you are here.

We all learn from each other.

keep posting, my friend.

Milly39

Don't be so hard on yourself - maybe now is not the right time for you. You will know when it is though.
Keep coming back here - we are her for you and for each other

djayr

You shouldn't beat yourself up, everyone has a mix of good and bad qualities, even ABF's, and you were doing what you thought was right at the time.

Take your time and if you're a little confused, wait...and things will become more clear.

Keep writing, it sounds therapeutic.

NYCDoglvr

It's a process. Sounds like an easy word, but it's typically painful, as you can see. You hit the nail on the head: it's not about love, it's about need. Just keep growing and changing. In the meantime, please don't beat yourself up for being a human being with one tough disease.

Here's a poem that's appeared on this forum a few times:

There Is a Hole in My Sidewalk
Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost…I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep whole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in…it’s a habit…but,
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately,

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.

itsmylifenow

I wrote this a few weeks back and was intrigued with the suggestion that maybe I had unfinished business which is why I was still in this relationship.

So, I started to think about it. Wondered what is it I need to understand about myself, change, face, etc.

I started to notice that I was keeping the relationship to avoid pain. That the pain of being without him was worse than being with him. It was a different pain...a very gut-wrenching pain...that seems to stem from a few years ago when he had cheated on me and then dumped me for someone else.

Since then whenever he talks to another woman, I feel triggered. I go back to the time when I watched him flirt with women and say/do inappropriate things, all because he'd had too much to drink.

I think I need to heal that pain. I recently read a quote that reminded me if something is truly healed it will no longer bother you. I have yet to heal from the damage he did during that time. It still bothers me. One would suggest I get out of the relationship and work on me, but the reason we keep getting back together is this gnawing I have of him being with someone else. Until I take care of this, the cycle will just continue...as it has done for the last year or so.

Question is, how do I heal it? I've forgiven those involved at the time and have made great strides. When I think about the trigger when it isn't happening I tell myself it's simple..just let it go, and don't let it get to you. But, when it happens for real, the emotions immediately kick in and I totally react in a way I don't want to.

Katiekate

Question is, how do I heal it?

YOur awareness of it is a step towards healing. There is a deepness to those kinds of wounds that we do not understand, it's a tender time, but you are healing, I know for me sometimes I am holding on to a wound with my fingernails dragging, our ego does not want to deal with anything unpleasant.

The step work is IMO good for this kind of pain, for the sheer fact that it is steps, sometimes it's baby steps.

itsmylifenow

I feel like my eyes are opening up as I try to determine why I have chosen certain people in my life. I haven't done any step work as of yet, but am deciding what I need to do for myself.

I don't know why this pain feels so deep. I know that we cannot die from heartbreak, but this has such deep, deep, gut-wrenching pain with it, I don't understand why. I went through a terrible breakup with someone I considered my soul mate and although there was pain, I just don't remember it feeling like this.

I admit I feel the pain is more than I care to handle. But, as I give away more of my life once again, the same rage starts to build in me and that desire to get out becomes stronger.

jessiec

Thanks so much for your honesty!