Why Why Why?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Henderson, NV
Posts: 35
Why Why Why?
In reading "New to realtionship and need advise"....I found my self exactly in that situation. Little bit of a twist - I was married to then divorced an active alcoholic for 16 years. Other than that, my facts are very similare to hers.
My new relationship, everyone give me a hand here we got married....
holy cow.....he seems to revert to alcoholic behavior just not with the booze or drugs.....two different times he's into emotional text relationships - hes into one right now - we've already been to a coudelor to try to understand boundaries in marriage,,,,but I don't get it - it didn't stick.
He's text all night long for 4 nights, then says he's going to a meeting at 5:30 am - he never goes to morning meetings...then says he ran out of gas and never made it. Tells me the woman is 65 - she's not = shes 42.
The advise in the other thread about not listening to words but watching actions and run as fast and as far away as you can is really resonating. I'm just wondering.......why why why do alcoholics continue these types of behaviors. Why is he throwing away the best relationship of his life?
Anyway, two strikes for him.....4 nights of all texting then deleting the messages and not mentioning it (I told him before I look at phone records.....duh) and lying about this woman ages. Waiting to catch them texting to read it - my gut says it will be what it shouldn/t and i can tell him to take a hike.....maybe maybe maybe I'll have some peace then - and yes.....I absolutely know that I need space and time and a lot of work on me - hi I'm the biggest co-dependant in the world......
My new relationship, everyone give me a hand here we got married....
holy cow.....he seems to revert to alcoholic behavior just not with the booze or drugs.....two different times he's into emotional text relationships - hes into one right now - we've already been to a coudelor to try to understand boundaries in marriage,,,,but I don't get it - it didn't stick.
He's text all night long for 4 nights, then says he's going to a meeting at 5:30 am - he never goes to morning meetings...then says he ran out of gas and never made it. Tells me the woman is 65 - she's not = shes 42.
The advise in the other thread about not listening to words but watching actions and run as fast and as far away as you can is really resonating. I'm just wondering.......why why why do alcoholics continue these types of behaviors. Why is he throwing away the best relationship of his life?
Anyway, two strikes for him.....4 nights of all texting then deleting the messages and not mentioning it (I told him before I look at phone records.....duh) and lying about this woman ages. Waiting to catch them texting to read it - my gut says it will be what it shouldn/t and i can tell him to take a hike.....maybe maybe maybe I'll have some peace then - and yes.....I absolutely know that I need space and time and a lot of work on me - hi I'm the biggest co-dependant in the world......
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Oh yeah major Codie alert. Time to leave this dirtbag. For all you know e could be meeting these women and having sex with them and bringing home some STD to you.
Regardless the question is...is this behavior acceptable to you?
If your answer is no what are you prepared to do about it now?
Addicts lie so who knows what else he's doing....gross. I'm sorry you met this type of man.
Regardless the question is...is this behavior acceptable to you?
If your answer is no what are you prepared to do about it now?
Addicts lie so who knows what else he's doing....gross. I'm sorry you met this type of man.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Cornwall England
Posts: 21
been in exactly the same situation re the texting relationships 2 or 3 times and i am a codie too its so hard at least at the moment hes on such a bender that he lost his phone (i found it!) and is staying at his mothers so I am having a bit of peace. I still spent hours checking his phone and phone records!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Alcohol use/behavior of an alcoholic and affair like behavior both made me feel crazy and nuts.
Recovery from both have helped significantly in letting a lot of things go. It was actually and affair that broke the camel's back so to say to start the recovery from both.
That does not mean that it does not hurt....a lot. I am sorry for how much I know this probably hurts right now.
Recovery from both have helped significantly in letting a lot of things go. It was actually and affair that broke the camel's back so to say to start the recovery from both.
That does not mean that it does not hurt....a lot. I am sorry for how much I know this probably hurts right now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Henderson, NV
Posts: 35
Well....turns out you are all right....and BTW - love the comment about the hours of checking the phone records...yes, I have spent amny hours looking at them and at his facebook page.
I was going to wait to see if the testing continued, but somehow.....maybe through God, found the strength last night when he came home from his meeting to tell him that the marriage was over. It was ugly for a few mintues he left the room in anger, then came back and we talked. He said yes he was dishonest, but no relationship ever existed. He just expected me to trust him. So in the counseling, he didn't walk away understanding that trust needed to be earned and that spouses need to be transparent with social media/phones so foster intimacy and love....he walked away hearing that he needed to hide it more so I quote "didn't so to this next girl what I did to the last one he was talking to".
I believe him to be a person that tries to improve himself and I think he really needs to dig into his recovery. We jumped too fast, and with our backgrounds the cards were stacked against us anyway. I will continue my therapy and work on myself and wish him the best.....it just hurts and that sucks.
I was going to wait to see if the testing continued, but somehow.....maybe through God, found the strength last night when he came home from his meeting to tell him that the marriage was over. It was ugly for a few mintues he left the room in anger, then came back and we talked. He said yes he was dishonest, but no relationship ever existed. He just expected me to trust him. So in the counseling, he didn't walk away understanding that trust needed to be earned and that spouses need to be transparent with social media/phones so foster intimacy and love....he walked away hearing that he needed to hide it more so I quote "didn't so to this next girl what I did to the last one he was talking to".
I believe him to be a person that tries to improve himself and I think he really needs to dig into his recovery. We jumped too fast, and with our backgrounds the cards were stacked against us anyway. I will continue my therapy and work on myself and wish him the best.....it just hurts and that sucks.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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As an alcoholic I can tell you that my recovery is directly related to my regular doses of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I can only speak to my opinion on why Alcoholics are the way they are and I'm certainly NOT making excuses for them. Alcoholism was defined as a disease by medical associations world wide years ago. One with absolutely no cure. Somewhat like diabetes.
A diabetic is a diabetic until they die, just like I'm an alcoholic until I die. They have to take regular doses of insulin and strictly control their diet in order to stay well. If an alcohlic wants to stay sober and well then they have to take regular doses of something like the A.A. program.
When I was drinking I was a drunken son of a B. When I quit I was still left with the son of a B. part. In A.A. the 12 steps help control that. Only the 1st step deals with the drinking part. The other 11 deal with getting rid of the SOB. If an alcoholic doesn't clean up the wreckage of their life, there's not much chance of staying sober and even if they do they're on what is called a dry drunk. They're not drinking but nothing else has improved either. It's my opinion that they might as well go back drinking.
Real sorry for your situation but knowing how I was, you certainly can not change him, you can only change your situation. Protect yourself
I can only speak to my opinion on why Alcoholics are the way they are and I'm certainly NOT making excuses for them. Alcoholism was defined as a disease by medical associations world wide years ago. One with absolutely no cure. Somewhat like diabetes.
A diabetic is a diabetic until they die, just like I'm an alcoholic until I die. They have to take regular doses of insulin and strictly control their diet in order to stay well. If an alcohlic wants to stay sober and well then they have to take regular doses of something like the A.A. program.
When I was drinking I was a drunken son of a B. When I quit I was still left with the son of a B. part. In A.A. the 12 steps help control that. Only the 1st step deals with the drinking part. The other 11 deal with getting rid of the SOB. If an alcoholic doesn't clean up the wreckage of their life, there's not much chance of staying sober and even if they do they're on what is called a dry drunk. They're not drinking but nothing else has improved either. It's my opinion that they might as well go back drinking.
Real sorry for your situation but knowing how I was, you certainly can not change him, you can only change your situation. Protect yourself
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
It was everal years ago, when I first came to SR, and I was writing about the texts, the affairs.
I knew it was a violation, and kept checking the phone. Kept driving to find him. He was still using alcohol, then, and he had many FWB and a few relationships.
I came on here, and talked about how I tried to reason with him. I tried to lay down some boundaries.
He was drinking, during one of the periods when I tried to let him live with us, while still using.
One of his bar girls was texting him, on Mothers Day. His dad, my FIL took the family out to dinner. We sat there, his phone was blowing up.
I just took it. He wouldn't fight it, since his family was all around us. She was text screaming at him for being with me. He had told me she would not leave him alone. She was obssessed, she was pursuing him. (The other women were always 'crazy" you know. He did NOTHING to lead them to him, keep them hooked...LOL Quack)
Anyway. I saw his texts, too. He was baiting her. He was responding. Thats all she needed. He refused to make a clear end to it. Kept saying that I was uncomfortable with her texts.
When I came here and posted about it, everyone was so supportive, then one of the old timers chimed in and gave me a light bulb moment .
She said, "how old is he?"
I said 32.
She said, "Does he know what the words monogamous relationship mean?"
Yes.
She said "You have been hoodwinked into thinking he is some kind of dumb kid who doesnt know the rules.
He knows the rules.
If you have to spell out the perimeters of a monogamous relationship to a 32 year old man, he has got you hoodwinked.
He knows. She knows. They are not behaving properly. It is not OK. NOt on Mothers Day, not on any day to have a former/current sex partner texting like that.
Another thing: Women dont usually get too terribly emotionally involved with men they have not had encouragement from. Just MHO
So, you sound strong and clear about what is not OK>
I knew it was a violation, and kept checking the phone. Kept driving to find him. He was still using alcohol, then, and he had many FWB and a few relationships.
I came on here, and talked about how I tried to reason with him. I tried to lay down some boundaries.
He was drinking, during one of the periods when I tried to let him live with us, while still using.
One of his bar girls was texting him, on Mothers Day. His dad, my FIL took the family out to dinner. We sat there, his phone was blowing up.
I just took it. He wouldn't fight it, since his family was all around us. She was text screaming at him for being with me. He had told me she would not leave him alone. She was obssessed, she was pursuing him. (The other women were always 'crazy" you know. He did NOTHING to lead them to him, keep them hooked...LOL Quack)
Anyway. I saw his texts, too. He was baiting her. He was responding. Thats all she needed. He refused to make a clear end to it. Kept saying that I was uncomfortable with her texts.
When I came here and posted about it, everyone was so supportive, then one of the old timers chimed in and gave me a light bulb moment .
She said, "how old is he?"
I said 32.
She said, "Does he know what the words monogamous relationship mean?"
Yes.
She said "You have been hoodwinked into thinking he is some kind of dumb kid who doesnt know the rules.
He knows the rules.
If you have to spell out the perimeters of a monogamous relationship to a 32 year old man, he has got you hoodwinked.
He knows. She knows. They are not behaving properly. It is not OK. NOt on Mothers Day, not on any day to have a former/current sex partner texting like that.
Another thing: Women dont usually get too terribly emotionally involved with men they have not had encouragement from. Just MHO
So, you sound strong and clear about what is not OK>
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