Is this a game?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Is this a game?
My AH, after our most recent downward spiral (not alcohol related), is planning to go see the doctor. After telling him that I was detached from his issues, and that I don't feel physically or emotionally close to him, he is acting like he's just this happy, stress-free guy.
I am trying so very hard to not set myself up for being sucked into the belief that all is well just to have it come crashing down again. He is acting the understanding husband who has the patience to give me the time I need.
What I anticipate happening is that he will tell the doctor about his inability to cope with stress, but that he really doesn't have the time or inclination to go to regular therapy. He is hoping for a magic pill to change his personality instead of doing the work it takes to find the "why" of his problem. If medicine is truly what he needs, so be it. But what happens when he decides he doesn't like the side effects, like he did with the prozac?
We are being perfectly polite to each other, mainly talking only about trivial things or the kids' schedules. I am really feeling the pull of "I'll keep being the super-nice, super-calm guy until she lets her guard down". That's our cycle.
I'm needing help standing my ground, and not letting myself in for another heartbreak. I don't think I can take one more.
Thanks for letting me get it all out.
I am trying so very hard to not set myself up for being sucked into the belief that all is well just to have it come crashing down again. He is acting the understanding husband who has the patience to give me the time I need.
What I anticipate happening is that he will tell the doctor about his inability to cope with stress, but that he really doesn't have the time or inclination to go to regular therapy. He is hoping for a magic pill to change his personality instead of doing the work it takes to find the "why" of his problem. If medicine is truly what he needs, so be it. But what happens when he decides he doesn't like the side effects, like he did with the prozac?
We are being perfectly polite to each other, mainly talking only about trivial things or the kids' schedules. I am really feeling the pull of "I'll keep being the super-nice, super-calm guy until she lets her guard down". That's our cycle.
I'm needing help standing my ground, and not letting myself in for another heartbreak. I don't think I can take one more.
Thanks for letting me get it all out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 22
I can understand this completely! My AH is exactly the same. He tried counselling to get to the bottom of his issues but says it didn't work. What he didn't realise is that all the hardwork happens outside the therapy room. It dredged so much of his ****** past that he couldn't deal with it and drank even more to mask his pain. A that time I was still so sure I could fix him, I loved him and couldn't bear to see him in such a a state. It took 10 years for me to see the light. Through all this time we we're caught in a cycle just like you are now. The final straw for me came when my father died.. It has given me the strength to leave weirdly. It feels like if I can face losing my dear dad I can face anything. I was so unhappy in this destructive circle, I just realised I deserved more and that life is far too short to be wasted feeling resentful and bitter about something you CANNOT control.
I am moving out at the end of June. It will be hard financially and emotionally I know, but my overwhelming emotion is relief. I am finally standing up and it feels right. My AH needs help, as does your husband. My AH has drunk heavily for over twenty years (he says he didn't drink as much before he met me..!), that habit cannot be stopped just like that. I have stopped fooling myself. I really feel that you have the strength to stand up too.
Good luck, this forum has provided clarity for me in my darkest moments, use it!!! 😘
I am moving out at the end of June. It will be hard financially and emotionally I know, but my overwhelming emotion is relief. I am finally standing up and it feels right. My AH needs help, as does your husband. My AH has drunk heavily for over twenty years (he says he didn't drink as much before he met me..!), that habit cannot be stopped just like that. I have stopped fooling myself. I really feel that you have the strength to stand up too.
Good luck, this forum has provided clarity for me in my darkest moments, use it!!! 😘
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 106
I'm needing help standing my ground, and not letting myself in for another heartbreak. I don't think I can take one more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
My AH is doing the same thing. Being really nice now that he's out of jail and knowing that he is going to need me during his house arrest time. So, he's being friendly, he's polite, he's doing the dishes, he's spending time with our son, etc. Once the house arrest is over, I'll see where we're at.
To answer your question: yes, I do believe it's a game, a waiting game. Us waiting for them to change and them stringing us along thinking they've got the wool pulled over our eyes. I'm not going to be blinded anymore. I don't believe a word he says anymore, it's all lies to me. I'm patiently waiting to see what happens as time progresses.
What makes thing difficult for us is also his antidepressant. You mentioned that your AH might get meds. Please be very careful with those. Read up on certain antidepressants and the craving for alcohol. My AH is on Paxil and one of the 'documented sided effects by Glaxo Smith Kline' is alcohol dependence. YEP! And, my AH knows this and won't go to his doctor to try a new drug. Then, he likes to play doctor with himself, too. Sometimes he'll skip his Paxil for a few weeks because of the severe constipation he gets and then he turns mean again and nasty and then we get into a fight and he goes back on the pills. So, the antidepressants have added a new dimension to our problem. This isn't the case for everybody, obviously, but please be aware that different drugs have different side effects and will affect people in their own ways. You can find stories on the internet about antidepressants and alcohol abuse.
To answer your question: yes, I do believe it's a game, a waiting game. Us waiting for them to change and them stringing us along thinking they've got the wool pulled over our eyes. I'm not going to be blinded anymore. I don't believe a word he says anymore, it's all lies to me. I'm patiently waiting to see what happens as time progresses.
What makes thing difficult for us is also his antidepressant. You mentioned that your AH might get meds. Please be very careful with those. Read up on certain antidepressants and the craving for alcohol. My AH is on Paxil and one of the 'documented sided effects by Glaxo Smith Kline' is alcohol dependence. YEP! And, my AH knows this and won't go to his doctor to try a new drug. Then, he likes to play doctor with himself, too. Sometimes he'll skip his Paxil for a few weeks because of the severe constipation he gets and then he turns mean again and nasty and then we get into a fight and he goes back on the pills. So, the antidepressants have added a new dimension to our problem. This isn't the case for everybody, obviously, but please be aware that different drugs have different side effects and will affect people in their own ways. You can find stories on the internet about antidepressants and alcohol abuse.
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
The sooner you realize that you can't FIX any one other than yourself, the sooner you can go on with your life.
Many people tried to fix me but no one succeeded until I decided to do something about myself. Don't get me wrong, I had LOTS of help, but I had to lead my parade to a sober life. Alcoholism ISN't a game. It's a deadly and destructive way of life, both to the alcoholic and to everyone around them.
All you can do, especially if you love your alcoholic partner, is to make them responsible for their actions. Don't make good their bounced life cheques. Set ultimatims with consequences and then carry though with the consequences if the ultimatim isn't met. Everything that you do MUST be geared toward bettering YOUR life, not theirs. If you can't improve your situation with them, then you need to improve your situation without them.
Until you make them realize that the excuses, rationalizations and outright lies aren't working anymore they won't look at what they're doing. Like a child, everytime you let something go, it tells them it's OK to do it again
Just an alcoholic saying what was best for the people that loved me and ultimatly what was best for me. The more, everyone I thought loved me, made me responsible, the more of my wrecked life I had to face, until finally I had to face myself. For a while I could ignore the guy in the mirror but eventually I began to hate him. It wasn't until I hated him enough that I decided to start changing.
Many people tried to fix me but no one succeeded until I decided to do something about myself. Don't get me wrong, I had LOTS of help, but I had to lead my parade to a sober life. Alcoholism ISN't a game. It's a deadly and destructive way of life, both to the alcoholic and to everyone around them.
All you can do, especially if you love your alcoholic partner, is to make them responsible for their actions. Don't make good their bounced life cheques. Set ultimatims with consequences and then carry though with the consequences if the ultimatim isn't met. Everything that you do MUST be geared toward bettering YOUR life, not theirs. If you can't improve your situation with them, then you need to improve your situation without them.
Until you make them realize that the excuses, rationalizations and outright lies aren't working anymore they won't look at what they're doing. Like a child, everytime you let something go, it tells them it's OK to do it again
Just an alcoholic saying what was best for the people that loved me and ultimatly what was best for me. The more, everyone I thought loved me, made me responsible, the more of my wrecked life I had to face, until finally I had to face myself. For a while I could ignore the guy in the mirror but eventually I began to hate him. It wasn't until I hated him enough that I decided to start changing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by FredG 
The sooner you realize that you can't FIX any one other than yourself, the sooner you can go on with your life.
Many people tried to fix me but no one succeeded until I decided to do something about myself. Don't get me wrong, I had LOTS of help, but I had to lead my parade to a sober life. Alcoholism ISN't a game. It's a deadly and destructive way of life, both to the alcoholic and to everyone around them.
All you can do, especially if you love your alcoholic partner, is to make them responsible for their actions. Don't make good their bounced life cheques. Set ultimatims with consequences and then carry though with the consequences if the ultimatim isn't met. Everything that you do MUST be geared toward bettering YOUR life, not theirs. If you can't improve your situation with them, then you need to improve your situation without them.
Until you make them realize that the excuses, rationalizations and outright lies aren't working anymore they won't look at what they're doing. Like a child, everytime you let something go, it tells them it's OK to do it again
Just an alcoholic saying what was best for the people that loved me and ultimatly what was best for me. The more, everyone I thought loved me, made me responsible, the more of my wrecked life I had to face, until finally I had to face myself. For a while I could ignore the guy in the mirror but eventually I began to hate him. It wasn't until I hated him enough that I decided to start changing.
Many people tried to fix me but no one succeeded until I decided to do something about myself. Don't get me wrong, I had LOTS of help, but I had to lead my parade to a sober life. Alcoholism ISN't a game. It's a deadly and destructive way of life, both to the alcoholic and to everyone around them.
All you can do, especially if you love your alcoholic partner, is to make them responsible for their actions. Don't make good their bounced life cheques. Set ultimatims with consequences and then carry though with the consequences if the ultimatim isn't met. Everything that you do MUST be geared toward bettering YOUR life, not theirs. If you can't improve your situation with them, then you need to improve your situation without them.
Until you make them realize that the excuses, rationalizations and outright lies aren't working anymore they won't look at what they're doing. Like a child, everytime you let something go, it tells them it's OK to do it again
Just an alcoholic saying what was best for the people that loved me and ultimatly what was best for me. The more, everyone I thought loved me, made me responsible, the more of my wrecked life I had to face, until finally I had to face myself. For a while I could ignore the guy in the mirror but eventually I began to hate him. It wasn't until I hated him enough that I decided to start changing.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
My XABF seemed to turn around his behaviour once I told him it was over. He wasn't drinking and talked about getting help. But it was talk and as soon as he realised I wasn't changing my mind he slipped back into old patterns. He kept saying he would go to AA but not go, always an excuse. Then he drank.
Basically as others have said, wait for the action as its just talk at the moment.
Ps he also referred to it as 'our decision' about him moving out - most recently in a text which through the tears and pain actually made me laugh.
Basically as others have said, wait for the action as its just talk at the moment.
Ps he also referred to it as 'our decision' about him moving out - most recently in a text which through the tears and pain actually made me laugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: near by
Posts: 151
Anvil,
You are right. I need to quit worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. I have no idea how much he will share with the doctor, or what the doctor will recommend. I don't know if he will heed those recommendations, or if he'll figure going once should make everything better.
I know that he isn't drinking anything except a low-alcohol beer on occasion, not even daily now. I honestly do know the signs (and smell) of even one regular beer. It makes me wonder if trying to self-control the alcohol intake is messing with his ability to cope with stress. We all have little things happen during our day that are irritating, but we deal with it and move on. His irritants turn him into someone reminiscent of a cartoon character whose head turns red, swells up, steams out the ears, and then explodes.
Any experience with this pent up rage when trying to stop drinking without help?
You are right. I need to quit worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. I have no idea how much he will share with the doctor, or what the doctor will recommend. I don't know if he will heed those recommendations, or if he'll figure going once should make everything better.
I know that he isn't drinking anything except a low-alcohol beer on occasion, not even daily now. I honestly do know the signs (and smell) of even one regular beer. It makes me wonder if trying to self-control the alcohol intake is messing with his ability to cope with stress. We all have little things happen during our day that are irritating, but we deal with it and move on. His irritants turn him into someone reminiscent of a cartoon character whose head turns red, swells up, steams out the ears, and then explodes.
Any experience with this pent up rage when trying to stop drinking without help?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 22
Anon, just had the same text! He says he finally sees me for what I am, a control freak and he doesn't want to be with me, he says he it is much better if I move out. He's right. He texted me from the pub...!
Can't wait to live my life. My advice to,anyone in the same situation .. Get out.
Can't wait to live my life. My advice to,anyone in the same situation .. Get out.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
