Taking his inventory
Let go and Let God!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Taking his inventory
I am not sure quite where to post this. I am hoping this is the correct place.
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 9 months. We both are in recovery. I noticed over the weekend I was taking his inventory. I have enough of my own inventory, I surely don't need to take someone else's.
Has anyone ever experienced this?
I have been dating my boyfriend for over 9 months. We both are in recovery. I noticed over the weekend I was taking his inventory. I have enough of my own inventory, I surely don't need to take someone else's.
Has anyone ever experienced this?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 56
Umm yes.
Even if the problem is program related the inventory process is worked the same way.
Since you are not specific I will use a resentment inventory.
To get on my own side of the street:
First question: What or who am I upset with? Husband.
Second question: What’s the cause? He has tracked grass all through the house.
Third: What feels hurt or threatened? Emotional security He doesn’t care, he doesn’t do his fair share etc
How’d I get this ball rolling? Well, I would like him to pick it up right now. I don’t care if he is busy. I want him to care about the floors just as much as I do.
Last: Can I see where I am being selfish, inconsiderate, frightened, self seeking or dishonest? OK, the little director in me wants him to be how I want him to be on my timeline. Sooo, selfish and inconsiderate.
Next: I ask God to remove my selfishness and inconsideration. Help me to be who you want me to be. What would you have me do?
I can either ask my husband nicely: When you get a chance can you vacuum up the grass? Or if I want it done sooner, do it myself.
Married 25 years this December.
My husband is fond of saying: You are not the woman I married. Thank God!
Even if the problem is program related the inventory process is worked the same way.
Since you are not specific I will use a resentment inventory.
To get on my own side of the street:
First question: What or who am I upset with? Husband.
Second question: What’s the cause? He has tracked grass all through the house.
Third: What feels hurt or threatened? Emotional security He doesn’t care, he doesn’t do his fair share etc
How’d I get this ball rolling? Well, I would like him to pick it up right now. I don’t care if he is busy. I want him to care about the floors just as much as I do.
Last: Can I see where I am being selfish, inconsiderate, frightened, self seeking or dishonest? OK, the little director in me wants him to be how I want him to be on my timeline. Sooo, selfish and inconsiderate.
Next: I ask God to remove my selfishness and inconsideration. Help me to be who you want me to be. What would you have me do?
I can either ask my husband nicely: When you get a chance can you vacuum up the grass? Or if I want it done sooner, do it myself.
Married 25 years this December.
My husband is fond of saying: You are not the woman I married. Thank God!
Let go and Let God!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
I find myself looking at his character defects. I know it isn't my place to point out his character defects. I didn't say anything to him, I kept it to myself and did my own inventory. I found the character defects I didn't like in him, I have some myself. This was the first time his character defects affected me.
Let go and Let God!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Thanks SugarBear. That is exactly what happened. Just a reminder that no matter how much sober time I have, those character defects can still creep in there. I just have to use the tools that were handed to me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 464
That all depends on where you going with the inventory? In a relationship aren't you sizing each other up for your future together? Even the negatives they have-
Can I live with this??
Is he/she going to work on that?
Can I live with this??
Is he/she going to work on that?
It`s ok to stay sober
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Central NC
Posts: 20,903
yes,I can take someone else`s defect inventory quickly,but it is much harder to take a good inventory of them,their assets.
there is good and bad in all of us,we seem to have the natural ability to spot the bad in everything and everyone.Look for the good in him and see what happens
the big book 3rd edition story,doctor,alcoholic,addict talks about this on or around page 449.
there is good and bad in all of us,we seem to have the natural ability to spot the bad in everything and everyone.Look for the good in him and see what happens
the big book 3rd edition story,doctor,alcoholic,addict talks about this on or around page 449.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
never!!! hey!! its my lie, let me tell it!!!LOLOLO.
heres a story form one of the editions of the BB. the man talks about this and has some very good solutions.
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict
right about pg 418, but the whloe story is awesome
heres a story form one of the editions of the BB. the man talks about this and has some very good solutions.
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict
right about pg 418, but the whloe story is awesome
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,969
Defects don't leave us, we are responsible for acting and not reacting on them; changing our habits of behavior. Our higher power decides which ones are to be useful or not, and only useful if they benefit someone else.....every defect has a polar opposite which can be more beneficial, sometimes the defect itself can benefit another.... it's a process....
You are okay just the way you are!! A journal comes in handy just about now....
You are okay just the way you are!! A journal comes in handy just about now....
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Usually when I find myself taking others' inventory, I find I'm not taking my own. Taking their inventory is usually a springboard into waking me up to start taking mine again.
When I take mine, even though my observations of them are completely accurate, I begin to see them as the book suggests "a sick friend" and cut them some slack. Now the focus is MY defects and not theirs.
Hasn't failed yet.
When I take mine, even though my observations of them are completely accurate, I begin to see them as the book suggests "a sick friend" and cut them some slack. Now the focus is MY defects and not theirs.
Hasn't failed yet.
Let go and Let God!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
never!!! hey!! its my lie, let me tell it!!!LOLOLO.
heres a story form one of the editions of the BB. the man talks about this and has some very good solutions.
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict
right about pg 418, but the whloe story is awesome
heres a story form one of the editions of the BB. the man talks about this and has some very good solutions.
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict
right about pg 418, but the whloe story is awesome
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
Something to consider:
When I take someone's inventory, I am really taking my own. I see me in another....it's reflected back. That is when I need to work on me.
Peace,
When I take someone's inventory, I am really taking my own. I see me in another....it's reflected back. That is when I need to work on me.
Peace,
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 557
Sugarbear1 - this is pretty much what I've been told by my many sponsors over the years, but I have one thing to add.
We as alcoholics, always like to try and fix others, both because we think we know better than them and it's a way of hiding from fixing ourselves.
Even after many, many days in the program, I STILL do it. Almost always catch myself and then take a look at exactly the same point in myself that I was trying to fix in the other person.
We as alcoholics, always like to try and fix others, both because we think we know better than them and it's a way of hiding from fixing ourselves.
Even after many, many days in the program, I STILL do it. Almost always catch myself and then take a look at exactly the same point in myself that I was trying to fix in the other person.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,969
Yes, we do that, Fred!
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict by Dr. Paul O., page 449 in the 3rd edition was renamed Acceptance Was The Answer in the 4th edition, and that page is now 417, just in case you wanted to let newcomers know.
Paul O.'s talks can be found on XA-Speakers - The lights are on! he is hilarious! He also talks about having to "approve" of his own alcoholism, not just to accept it....
Doctor, Alcoholic, Addict by Dr. Paul O., page 449 in the 3rd edition was renamed Acceptance Was The Answer in the 4th edition, and that page is now 417, just in case you wanted to let newcomers know.
Paul O.'s talks can be found on XA-Speakers - The lights are on! he is hilarious! He also talks about having to "approve" of his own alcoholism, not just to accept it....
Let go and Let God!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Fred, you are correct. That is exactly what it was.
My sponsor said this to me, what would you tell one of your sponsees that came to you with this issue? Well that was easy, I would say so what is going on in your life that you and your HP need to work on?
So I did what I was taught to do, which is, take my own inventory.
My sponsor said this to me, what would you tell one of your sponsees that came to you with this issue? Well that was easy, I would say so what is going on in your life that you and your HP need to work on?
So I did what I was taught to do, which is, take my own inventory.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
I would be more surprised if you hadn't taken inventory of others.
Especially a couple in recovery.......in my own experience it always ended in frustration, and amends .
"Hell, if people would only act how i want them to act...then the next was my skilled ability to do their thinking as well....another frustrating dead end route.
Not my words but i once heard this....
"What can i bring to this relationship to make it healthy and wonderful....and what do i need to leave outside.......the rest is up to god.
My suggestion would be to promptly admit when you where wrong... There is no doubt in my mind, that new relationships are difficult in early recovery...But i wouldn't say impossible....
Especially a couple in recovery.......in my own experience it always ended in frustration, and amends .
"Hell, if people would only act how i want them to act...then the next was my skilled ability to do their thinking as well....another frustrating dead end route.
Not my words but i once heard this....
"What can i bring to this relationship to make it healthy and wonderful....and what do i need to leave outside.......the rest is up to god.
My suggestion would be to promptly admit when you where wrong... There is no doubt in my mind, that new relationships are difficult in early recovery...But i wouldn't say impossible....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Fluttering About
Posts: 3,760
LOL...I think we all have tendency to jump into each other's hula hoop.
Sometimes that is how I learn to uncover more of my own stuff..I just need to keep the duct tape over the mouth and not point the fingers...And if I find myself in someone's back yard I need to pull out that mirror and make sure I have it facing my own self
Sometimes that is how I learn to uncover more of my own stuff..I just need to keep the duct tape over the mouth and not point the fingers...And if I find myself in someone's back yard I need to pull out that mirror and make sure I have it facing my own self
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I find myself looking at his character defects. I know it isn't my place to point out his character defects. I didn't say anything to him, I kept it to myself and did my own inventory. I found the character defects I didn't like in him, I have some myself. This was the first time his character defects affected me.
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