In the minority?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Posts: 3
In the minority?
First, thank you to everyone who responded to my first post here on SR. It was good to know someone really is listening.
Second, as recommended I have read (and read and read and read) about the disease and how I can help my AW. However, almost everything I have read talks about an abusive or alcoholic Husband and what a wife should do. I have the reverse of this. I am the husband and my wife is the one with the disease. I seem to be in the minority on this one and have questions I can't seem to find answers to.
I should point out that I love my wife very much. I am willing to fight as hard as I must to help her through this. (I just hope she wants to get healthy).
I have read over and over again that I need to let the alcoholic in my life "sink or swim" on her own. Her recovery is in her hands and not mine. I get this. However, I am afraid I enable her. I am the breadwinner in my family. I own my own business and literally work 60+ hours a week. My wife stays home with the kids, does the grocery shopping, has a vehicle, has access to my bank accounts, etc. I just don't understand how to let her sink or swim. Is my only alternative to cut her off from the money and kick her out? I don't want to do that.
Are there any RW out there that might have some advice on what my part should be in all this. I understand I can't fix my wife. However, I do not want to be part of the problem.
Second, as recommended I have read (and read and read and read) about the disease and how I can help my AW. However, almost everything I have read talks about an abusive or alcoholic Husband and what a wife should do. I have the reverse of this. I am the husband and my wife is the one with the disease. I seem to be in the minority on this one and have questions I can't seem to find answers to.
I should point out that I love my wife very much. I am willing to fight as hard as I must to help her through this. (I just hope she wants to get healthy).
I have read over and over again that I need to let the alcoholic in my life "sink or swim" on her own. Her recovery is in her hands and not mine. I get this. However, I am afraid I enable her. I am the breadwinner in my family. I own my own business and literally work 60+ hours a week. My wife stays home with the kids, does the grocery shopping, has a vehicle, has access to my bank accounts, etc. I just don't understand how to let her sink or swim. Is my only alternative to cut her off from the money and kick her out? I don't want to do that.
Are there any RW out there that might have some advice on what my part should be in all this. I understand I can't fix my wife. However, I do not want to be part of the problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I've been married 30 years. The first 15 years were great, we were young, raising our kids, working at our careers. Making progress in life.
At about the 15 year mark, my wife who had always drank, started drinking heavily. The disease is progressive, and she got progressively worse. We still had good times, and I always said that when she wasn't drinking she was a wonderful person. But it got worse and it effected other parts of our lives. Although the worst days were after our last daughter moved out on her own, I know it affected our children. Her health was horrible (and I later discovered that almost all of her problems were alcohol related...not that we ever told a doctor how much she really drank). My health suffered. We had few friends. We got in debt and never seemed to be able to get out. We stopped talking to each other.
I didn't happen all at once, it creeps up on you. I remember being in my 40's and reading in a forum like this one, and the guy said his only regret about divorcing his alcoholic wife was that he didn't do it 5 years earlier. I didn't divorce my wife, I stayed...but it was miserable.
As it turns out, I was lucky. When my wife hit her bottom (a 13 day binge), and I finally reached out for help, we got her into rehab and she was ready to change her life. People said "You saved her life." I felt guilty about that because I knew about all the enabling I had done. And I didn't save her life...she did all the work.
But I did start going to Al-Anon meetings, which is a support group for the families of alcoholics. And it helped. I believe that the things I learned in Al-Anon, and continue to learn, helped my wife. I can't walk her path for her, but maybe I can make the way a little easier. I consider that my "living amends," for the enabling that I did while she was drinking.
So, you can't fix her. But you don't have suffer, like I did. And you don't have to do this yourself. Reach out for help. That might be Al-Anon, or maybe counseling. That may give you the clarity and the tools to make decisions like: Should I let my wife drive drunk? Should I let my wife drive drunk with kids in the car? Should I let my wife put our family in debt? What effect is it having for me to work 60 hours a week and leave my kids with my wife while she's drinking? Trust me, my answers to those questions today is completely different than it would have been two years ago.
Hope that helps...keep coming back!
At about the 15 year mark, my wife who had always drank, started drinking heavily. The disease is progressive, and she got progressively worse. We still had good times, and I always said that when she wasn't drinking she was a wonderful person. But it got worse and it effected other parts of our lives. Although the worst days were after our last daughter moved out on her own, I know it affected our children. Her health was horrible (and I later discovered that almost all of her problems were alcohol related...not that we ever told a doctor how much she really drank). My health suffered. We had few friends. We got in debt and never seemed to be able to get out. We stopped talking to each other.
I didn't happen all at once, it creeps up on you. I remember being in my 40's and reading in a forum like this one, and the guy said his only regret about divorcing his alcoholic wife was that he didn't do it 5 years earlier. I didn't divorce my wife, I stayed...but it was miserable.
As it turns out, I was lucky. When my wife hit her bottom (a 13 day binge), and I finally reached out for help, we got her into rehab and she was ready to change her life. People said "You saved her life." I felt guilty about that because I knew about all the enabling I had done. And I didn't save her life...she did all the work.
But I did start going to Al-Anon meetings, which is a support group for the families of alcoholics. And it helped. I believe that the things I learned in Al-Anon, and continue to learn, helped my wife. I can't walk her path for her, but maybe I can make the way a little easier. I consider that my "living amends," for the enabling that I did while she was drinking.
So, you can't fix her. But you don't have suffer, like I did. And you don't have to do this yourself. Reach out for help. That might be Al-Anon, or maybe counseling. That may give you the clarity and the tools to make decisions like: Should I let my wife drive drunk? Should I let my wife drive drunk with kids in the car? Should I let my wife put our family in debt? What effect is it having for me to work 60 hours a week and leave my kids with my wife while she's drinking? Trust me, my answers to those questions today is completely different than it would have been two years ago.
Hope that helps...keep coming back!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, it's true that most of the posts here are by women, and this subject has come up recently. There are several men, though. I'm sure they'll be along soon!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-here.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-here.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 433
Yes, the standard response when dealing with an addict is to let them sink or swim. The reason why is that, as long as you enable an addict, they are 99% likely to keep using their drug of choice, and to keep using their enablers to keep their addiction going. It is impossible to "convince" an addict to get help. They only get help when they have no other option, generally. Things have to get very, very bad for many addicts before they will get help. And of those who get help, the statistics are not very encouraging in terms of them staying clean. That's the bad news. The good news is, some people can and do stay sober.
If you don't cut your wife off in various ways to stop enabling her, the alternative is that things will most likely keep going on exactly as they have been. She will keep taking money, keep using, and keep lying. I know it's hard to believe, but after you go through the wringer a few times when an addict promises to change, you eventually learn.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure it is a real shock to find out that this is not the person you thought you married. It happens to many of us who are involved with an addict. It doesn't make any sense, because addicts don't make sense.
You may not want to separate from your wife, but if you want to protect your money/assets, you will need to take steps to do that--take her off the bank accounts, take anything valuable she might sell out of the house, etc.
Not to diminish your wife's pain, but many many people have experienced sexual abuse in their lives, and don't become addicts or criminals. So while your wife's past may be driving her addiction, it is not an excuse. I know that sounds harsh, but in the event that she uses her past as an excuse, you are going to have to stay strong.
If you don't cut your wife off in various ways to stop enabling her, the alternative is that things will most likely keep going on exactly as they have been. She will keep taking money, keep using, and keep lying. I know it's hard to believe, but after you go through the wringer a few times when an addict promises to change, you eventually learn.
I am really sorry that you are going through this. I'm sure it is a real shock to find out that this is not the person you thought you married. It happens to many of us who are involved with an addict. It doesn't make any sense, because addicts don't make sense.
You may not want to separate from your wife, but if you want to protect your money/assets, you will need to take steps to do that--take her off the bank accounts, take anything valuable she might sell out of the house, etc.
Not to diminish your wife's pain, but many many people have experienced sexual abuse in their lives, and don't become addicts or criminals. So while your wife's past may be driving her addiction, it is not an excuse. I know that sounds harsh, but in the event that she uses her past as an excuse, you are going to have to stay strong.
Last edited by Seren; 05-29-2012 at 03:47 AM. Reason: Removed link to for-profit recovery page - Rule 1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Not to diminish your wife's pain, but many many people have experienced sexual abuse in their lives, and don't become addicts or criminals. So while your wife's past may be driving her addiction, it is not an excuse. I know that sounds harsh, but in the event that she uses her past as an excuse, you are going to have to stay strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Here's how I helped my alcoholic wife...
...I began going to Alanon twice a week and I stopped protecting her from the consequences of her decisions and actions. I learned to respect her as an adult, not treat her like a child, and remember I was her husband not her daddy. It wasn't easy, and it didn't happen as fast as I wanted it to. I resented "having" to go to Alanon "when she was the one with the problem."
I found out I had problems too, and I learned how to best protect myself and my daughter from my wife and her alcoholism.
Keep an open mind, accept that it won't happen on your schedule, and accept that your wife may never get better (some do, some don't). Regardless, if you go to Alanon I truly believe your life will get better. Years of trying other things did not work for me. Alanon did and does.
Having done nothing but work on myself, a few years later here we are with my wife finishing up her second year of sobriety. I appear to be one of the lucky ones. However, it remains as it always will, one day at a time.
Let me give you a hand: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Good luck my friend.
Cyranoak
I found out I had problems too, and I learned how to best protect myself and my daughter from my wife and her alcoholism.
Keep an open mind, accept that it won't happen on your schedule, and accept that your wife may never get better (some do, some don't). Regardless, if you go to Alanon I truly believe your life will get better. Years of trying other things did not work for me. Alanon did and does.
Having done nothing but work on myself, a few years later here we are with my wife finishing up her second year of sobriety. I appear to be one of the lucky ones. However, it remains as it always will, one day at a time.
Let me give you a hand: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Good luck my friend.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Better than where I was
Posts: 267
Thumbs up on the Alanon. Face to face time with someone who has been through the war is invaluable. If your lucky like me, there may be a men's group. It helps me a lot to explain what I am going through & get instant feedback on the situation(s) at hand at that moment. Also learning tools to help deal with my AW & my behavior, ie enabling, codependency, & general bad thoughts. You're not alone, though we are a minority.
OhBoy
OhBoy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Alxndr,
You, myself, and MattMathews have a lot in common. I have been married 28 years, been the sole provider, raised the kids and have AW's. One thing I learned on this site is the 3 C's
1. You didnt cause it
2. You cant control it
3. You cant cure it.....period
I myself have been an enabler. The kind folks here have been spot on on what to expect, in that it is a downward spiral. The biggest thing is you have to take care of yourself my friend.
werff
You, myself, and MattMathews have a lot in common. I have been married 28 years, been the sole provider, raised the kids and have AW's. One thing I learned on this site is the 3 C's
1. You didnt cause it
2. You cant control it
3. You cant cure it.....period
I myself have been an enabler. The kind folks here have been spot on on what to expect, in that it is a downward spiral. The biggest thing is you have to take care of yourself my friend.
werff
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Someone told me that the thing about enabling addiction is that the disease will fill up the space you give it, and that the addict won't hit bottom before there's no more space in their lives for addiction. This means a lot of things for a lot of people.
When my husband admitted he had a problem and said he was going to do what he needed to do, I took control over the bank account and set a boundary that there would be no drinking at our house, period. He had enough allowance to buy gas and cigarettes, but anything more than that (like booze) and he wouldn't be able to get around like he wanted to. Frankly, I put up with a lot more than I should have because I didn't know any better. He's sober eight months this week, but now that we've been through what we've been through, I don't know what's next. It's better and it's not.
Make your support for her to attend a real 30 day rehab, assuming you can afford it, center stage. Other than that, it's in for a penny, in for a pound. How many pounds are you willing to give to this? Just remember that you can walk away for any reason. Don't wait for The Big Catastrophe.
I am very concerned about the kids. Is she drinking with them at home? Driving them around drunk? This is a problem.
When my husband admitted he had a problem and said he was going to do what he needed to do, I took control over the bank account and set a boundary that there would be no drinking at our house, period. He had enough allowance to buy gas and cigarettes, but anything more than that (like booze) and he wouldn't be able to get around like he wanted to. Frankly, I put up with a lot more than I should have because I didn't know any better. He's sober eight months this week, but now that we've been through what we've been through, I don't know what's next. It's better and it's not.
Make your support for her to attend a real 30 day rehab, assuming you can afford it, center stage. Other than that, it's in for a penny, in for a pound. How many pounds are you willing to give to this? Just remember that you can walk away for any reason. Don't wait for The Big Catastrophe.
I am very concerned about the kids. Is she drinking with them at home? Driving them around drunk? This is a problem.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: SW PA
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Florence 
Someone told me that the thing about enabling addiction is that the disease will fill up the space you give it, and that the addict won't hit bottom before there's no more space in their lives for addiction.
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