Donnylutz

I swore it wouldn't happen to me....but it did. Tomorrow will be day 1, AGAIN. Not sure what else i can do. I wasn't depressed, I wasn't lonely, but I still went to the liquor store, knowing full well what would happen.

Now what? I'm in treatment so I'll have to disclose. I guess a positive I can take from this is that I'm not having any fun........since the first sip I've felt guilty and like I was doing something wrong.....

Most of the bottle has now been dumped in the sink.......I'm not even drunk, but I feel like I let myself, my family, and my recovery group family down........

Made it 18 days.....maybe next time I can make it 19?

Donnylutz............

aeo1313

Hang in there

Sapling

What treatment are you doing Donny? I guess if you're heading to the liquor store...There's not much that's gonna stop you...At least you didn't enjoy it and stopped it right there.

LaFemme

Hey Donny!

I'm glad you poured it down the sink...that's great! I'm sorry you relapsed and I am sending you positive thoughts.

DisplacedGRITS

Glad that you're comitting to staying honest. Stick with that and hold onto it hard. It will get you through this. You said most of? What are you going to do with the rest?

CaiHong

Donny I think that is pretty amazing to get that, far to actually buy a bottle, have some and pour it down the sink.

To me that is progress.

I doubt if I could have done that. Something's working.

Keep going.

love
CaiHong

DisplacedGRITS

Ah, i think i misunderstood. I thought by most of the bottle being down the sink meant yoh had some in reserve instead of the bit you've already drank. Many of us relapse. Unfortunatly often more than once. Now is a great time to be introspective and try to figure out what led you to the liquor store. It sounds like just habit. Did you feel an urge coming on? Was there anything you could have done to break that cycle when you felt it building up? A lot of early sobriety is learning to recognize triggers and either avoid them or keep them from leading you to drink. For example, i would often buy alcohol at the luquor department of the grocery store when i did my normal grocery shopping. In my very early recovery, i avoided either grocery stores with integrated liquor departments or shopping alone. I still park on the opposite end of the liquor department when i go shopping. Changing those little habits that are the first step in your drinking cycle are the easiest to change and will go a long way towards building better sober habits.

Dee74

I drank for no reason too Donny...I didn't need one.

I'm glad you managed to pull out of the dive - I never managed that.
Apart from your treatment and SR, are you doing anything else for your recovery?

D

Dalek

This understanding, that you drink for any reason, or for no reason, can go a long way towards helping you change the way you approach recovery.

Listen to your conscience. It is trying to tell you something important.

Gottalife

Good points Dalek.

It must be tough for you around here. What if someone suggests you see the DOCTOR? That could really put the cat among the pigeons. Exterminate EXTERMINATE..

instant

Donny . I suggest you review what happened before you made the decision and make your next plan.

At 18 days I was still getting strong physical and emotional urges, pulling me back to drinking.

In the past we have all had "F^^k it" moments. The trick is to work at staying out the space where that is possible/conceivable. I think total and unconditional surrender keeps me way away out of that zone

Jeni26

Donny, I know how this hurts. It is unbelievably frustrating. I too relapsed this weekend after 7 weeks. I just don't get it either...why?....how can I have been so stupid?.....I was doing so well.
I guess we've done well by admitting it to people on here. These are our friends, they don't judge us and only want the very best for us.
We also had the sense to stop and not head down that slippery slope and spend time lost to it.
We can do this. Time to dust ourselves off and get right back on track.
Let's do it right this time xxx

SomethingBetter

1st relapse? I hope your not leaving room to fail here, maybe make it 19 days?, same thing, I think it really helps to know I'm done, when you tell yourself that you will never drink again, what do you really feel deep down?

The first time I really said that and meant it I felt something resist, this thing can wait years if it knows there is the smallest chance to drink again, someday.

I had to wipe out any chance to ever drink again, can you?

Healthyfood

Donnylutz

I know this feeling. Ive been there myself. Before you go to the shop (guided by urge) just sit down and wait. It will go away. I used to act on every urge like this, so ended up drinking for years.

Now when I have massive urge I just calm down and wait till its gone, I never ever go to the shop if Im craving a drink. This really helped me to get to 118 days.

SoberRightNow

I agree with LaFemme - pouring the bottle down the sink does show huge progress.

For me, the process went - enjoyable relapse, period of sobriety, less enjoyable relapse, period of sobriety, horrendous and terrible relapse, long-term sobriety.

Not saying relapse is inevitable, certainly isn't and dangerous to say so. But when relapse starts being a horrible rather than enjoyable experience, its a clear sign you are heading in the right direction. Very, very few people get this right first time.

Beware of self-fulfilling prophecy When this clicks, and I'm sure from your post that it will, it will no longer be a question of "making days". It will just be as simple as not wishing to drink any more.

Good luck and thanks for your honesty today.

lydiebreeze

Donny
This is a baffling and powerful addiction.
I myself spent an evening in the er LESS than 36 hours ago - I was coming off a bender and was quite honestly afraid for my life.
I had to spend the whole day in bed yesterday because I was afraid that if I left my house I would buy a bottle.
I'm a generally intelligent person.
But how stupid is THAT? Less than 6 hours out of ER for high-bp and shakes my mind was telling me I was pretty much ok and I could drink a little.
GRRRR - it is such a frustrating condition!
So - fess up to your group and come up with a plan a, b, c, d, e, f etc...
I feel your pain.

Zebra1275

How about viewing this as your "last relapse" and not your "1st relapse?"

zorah

hey donny. i sooooo relate! don't think of it as a relapse. if you're sincere about stopping and you clearly are, then you're not returning to where you were before. You're in a different place on the road. i understand why people need to count days of sobriety, but i also think it can sometimes be a hindrance. the idea of "day one" is so shaming for many of us. just remember that each "day one" is different from the previous one. my relapses have actually taught me a lot about myself and how i get snagged... we learn from our mistakes. my sponsor told me something helpful. she said that the relapse takes place in the mind first; picking up the bottle is the logical conclusion to the mental state. this has helped me stay focused on what my mind is saying and where it's taking me.

zorah

Donnylutz

Thank you all for the replies.........

I'm doing out-patient therapy and spoke with my counselor today. She too was happy I didn't enjoy it at all and I dumped so much out....I NEVER would have done that before.....

After speaking with her I decided that my "relapse" is really something to learn from, not something to feel ashamed of. I learned a great thing too..........I don't enjoy drinking anymore. it was the first time I've ever had that happen. It makes me feel like staying sober is going to happen for me. I was also very happy that I didn't get drunk, and didn't fall into my old pattern of staying up all night and looking for anonymous sex.............it's all steps in the right direction.

Just posting it here made me feel better, and now reading the responses just helps cement everything for me......you guys are awesome!

I've decided this isn't "day one"....it's simply my sobriety date. I'm not counting days anymore...........I think for me it just gives me an excuse to drink (well, I made it this far, I deserve a drink).........instead I just don't drink.

Best of luck to all of you. Stay strong.

Donnylutz.....

onlythetruth

Yeah, this struck me too. Calling this your "first" relapse suggests that you expect there will be others.

For me, the drinking question is a very black and white thing. The answer is always "no"!