I'm Addicted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
I'm Addicted
Brief update from my last post: No Contact has continued. I thought by this point, I would be seeing at least HINTS of sanity restored. But it has gotten worse.
In my last thread about No Contact (which I can't find??) a member pointed out that I sounded 'addicted' to HIM. I remember reading that, getting flustered, and quickly DENYING that that was true.
Its true. And I can finally see that now. YOU WERE RIGHT.
Over the past few weeks, as the silence continues...the obsessive thinking has magnified:
*He is sleeping with other women. A TON of other women!
*We will never speak again.
*He lied about everything....He lied about loving me.
*I was used.
*He hates me.
*He is happier without me...
*His sobriety was just an act.
*Is he sober? Is he plastered?
...on and on.
While I have joined Al Anon...I spend FAR more time worrying about HIM and feeling like the last two years of my life have been invalidated.
I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
In the last thread, it was suggested that I read "Getting Them Sober." I did...and it was WONDERFUL. But that book is for people who actually see and speak to their alcoholics. I'm just dealing with WITHDRAWAL.
I went ahead and bought "Codependent No More"...but I'm looking for other tools. I cannot afford therapy. I'm in Al Anon.
I am very motivated to break this addiction and would love to hear any advice from members about how to stop the obsessive thinking and get to a SANER place in life!
In my last thread about No Contact (which I can't find??) a member pointed out that I sounded 'addicted' to HIM. I remember reading that, getting flustered, and quickly DENYING that that was true.
Its true. And I can finally see that now. YOU WERE RIGHT.
Over the past few weeks, as the silence continues...the obsessive thinking has magnified:
*He is sleeping with other women. A TON of other women!
*We will never speak again.
*He lied about everything....He lied about loving me.
*I was used.
*He hates me.
*He is happier without me...
*His sobriety was just an act.
*Is he sober? Is he plastered?
...on and on.
While I have joined Al Anon...I spend FAR more time worrying about HIM and feeling like the last two years of my life have been invalidated.
I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.
In the last thread, it was suggested that I read "Getting Them Sober." I did...and it was WONDERFUL. But that book is for people who actually see and speak to their alcoholics. I'm just dealing with WITHDRAWAL.
I went ahead and bought "Codependent No More"...but I'm looking for other tools. I cannot afford therapy. I'm in Al Anon.
I am very motivated to break this addiction and would love to hear any advice from members about how to stop the obsessive thinking and get to a SANER place in life!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Be kind and compassionate with yourself, keep using the tools you are using, eat well, get some exercise, spend time with friends and family, get a puppy if you have to.
If you go back, you will have to do this part all over again, ask me how I know.
Honey, it takes time, the more time and distance between you and him, the better.
[B]
*He is sleeping with other women. A TON of other women! There are not a TON of other woman out there that would sign up for what he has to offer.
*We will never speak again. Amen to that, but if you allow it , you actually will speak with him again, for some more mind bending ********.
*He lied about everything....He lied about loving me. Yes you are right, he did lie to you about everything, he is an alcoholic, they lie about everything.
*I was used. In some ways yes you were, and like me, you allowed it. You don't ever have to be used again.
*He hates me. He hates himself!
*He is happier without me... he's an alcoholic, they are not happy people.
*His sobriety was just an act. Again, probably absolutely the truth.
*Is he sober? Is he plastered? My bet, Plastered.[/B]
sending you lots of love Katie xo
If you go back, you will have to do this part all over again, ask me how I know.
Honey, it takes time, the more time and distance between you and him, the better.
[B]
*He is sleeping with other women. A TON of other women! There are not a TON of other woman out there that would sign up for what he has to offer.
*We will never speak again. Amen to that, but if you allow it , you actually will speak with him again, for some more mind bending ********.
*He lied about everything....He lied about loving me. Yes you are right, he did lie to you about everything, he is an alcoholic, they lie about everything.
*I was used. In some ways yes you were, and like me, you allowed it. You don't ever have to be used again.
*He hates me. He hates himself!
*He is happier without me... he's an alcoholic, they are not happy people.
*His sobriety was just an act. Again, probably absolutely the truth.
*Is he sober? Is he plastered? My bet, Plastered.[/B]
sending you lots of love Katie xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You just have to keep your mind occupied. Make a plan to stay busy.
Memorial weekend and the summer season are a great time to;
Get Out ( go to a concert)
Visit museums
Go outside and play, enjoy nature, plant some flowers or herbs
Take up a new sport or hobby
Cook, experiment with new recipes
Get healthy, walk, jog, hike
Learn a new language, pick up an instrument.
Go watch the sunset.
Go to a park or beach, peoplewatch, walk on the grass barefoot and just enjoy the beauty of each day.
You can do this. Do something special for yourself each day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, something will eventually click.
You are so very correct when you say " I do not want to live this way" remember to just breathe,....... it's really going to get easier, just give yourself permission to go forward.
Sounds like he has moved on, and whoever the poor girl is, will end up living the same hell you did, sorry to say, an active alkie is no prize. Now it's your turn to get out there and take your life back.
Hugs)))
Memorial weekend and the summer season are a great time to;
Get Out ( go to a concert)
Visit museums
Go outside and play, enjoy nature, plant some flowers or herbs
Take up a new sport or hobby
Cook, experiment with new recipes
Get healthy, walk, jog, hike
Learn a new language, pick up an instrument.
Go watch the sunset.
Go to a park or beach, peoplewatch, walk on the grass barefoot and just enjoy the beauty of each day.
You can do this. Do something special for yourself each day. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, something will eventually click.
You are so very correct when you say " I do not want to live this way" remember to just breathe,....... it's really going to get easier, just give yourself permission to go forward.
Sounds like he has moved on, and whoever the poor girl is, will end up living the same hell you did, sorry to say, an active alkie is no prize. Now it's your turn to get out there and take your life back.
Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
RedCandle,
I was/am exactly where you are, yesterday I stopped by his new place and drop the last of his "crap" I was holding on.
I was married to this guy for 17 years, I asked myself those same questions, I KNOW he has one gf after another (I broke into his email), I found out he is doing with the gf all the things he never did with me except when we were dating so the poor girl will get a share of misery with him.
NC is the best, I do have to start all over again now, we do too relapse and it is okay.
Katiekate probably answered those questions right for you.
I too felt like giving up and run back to him, but the truth is that he will reject me (just to get even), and I will have fed his ego. Keep reading, calling, writting. Pray to your HP.
The craving do go away, now I know how an alcoholic feels and how hard is to quit. I must be strong, I am keeping busy and going to the gym, visit family and spending time with BF.
Good luck, you are in my prayers.
I was/am exactly where you are, yesterday I stopped by his new place and drop the last of his "crap" I was holding on.
I was married to this guy for 17 years, I asked myself those same questions, I KNOW he has one gf after another (I broke into his email), I found out he is doing with the gf all the things he never did with me except when we were dating so the poor girl will get a share of misery with him.
NC is the best, I do have to start all over again now, we do too relapse and it is okay.
Katiekate probably answered those questions right for you.
I too felt like giving up and run back to him, but the truth is that he will reject me (just to get even), and I will have fed his ego. Keep reading, calling, writting. Pray to your HP.
The craving do go away, now I know how an alcoholic feels and how hard is to quit. I must be strong, I am keeping busy and going to the gym, visit family and spending time with BF.
Good luck, you are in my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
And this is the very thing...I WANT to be able to answer these questions/thoughts just the way YOU have! I want to say, "I don't care" and not really care!
I want to stop crying when I think about his indifference and another woman.
I want mentally worry about MY business and not wonder, wonder, wonder.
I want to click on my email and not wish that there was something from him.
I want to have the very confidence and determination that the above posters outlined...so when I see that I am getting WORSE with No Contact, truthfully...its disturbing.
There is no chance of me "running back." Honestly, I have to much pride and fear of rejection to do that.
But I genuinely want to reach the level of emotional fortitude that allows you to say "so what!" and I'm not finding it in a meeting, in exercise, in friends, in books....anywhere!
I realize the problem is within ME. And I'm just lost as to figure out how to solve it.
I want to stop crying when I think about his indifference and another woman.
I want mentally worry about MY business and not wonder, wonder, wonder.
I want to click on my email and not wish that there was something from him.
I want to have the very confidence and determination that the above posters outlined...so when I see that I am getting WORSE with No Contact, truthfully...its disturbing.
There is no chance of me "running back." Honestly, I have to much pride and fear of rejection to do that.
But I genuinely want to reach the level of emotional fortitude that allows you to say "so what!" and I'm not finding it in a meeting, in exercise, in friends, in books....anywhere!
I realize the problem is within ME. And I'm just lost as to figure out how to solve it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Its a simple solution. You choose to stop thinking these things and move on with your life.
We are actually very in charge of our thoughts (unless there is severe mental illness involved).
Each day it will get a little better...and a little better...and poof! One day you wake up and he is not on your mind at all.
But you have to be the one to reign in your own stinkin thinkin. And that is your choice to make. If you want all that stuff above - then go make it happen.
We are actually very in charge of our thoughts (unless there is severe mental illness involved).
Each day it will get a little better...and a little better...and poof! One day you wake up and he is not on your mind at all.
But you have to be the one to reign in your own stinkin thinkin. And that is your choice to make. If you want all that stuff above - then go make it happen.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
First thing I did was acknowledge that I had made a quite a mess of my life.
And I admitted my error in judgement, to the people that really mattered in my life.
I could not believe the support I received, once I opened up, and got real. One of my dearest friends always wanted to offer her support, but she stayed quiet so she would not offend.
Be brave, make yourself available to your friends and family. You will be so pleasantly surprised by the support you will get from them, besides.........
This guy does not hold the key to your happiness, he never did, you do. And to base your happily ever after on someone else is not a healthy situation.
And I admitted my error in judgement, to the people that really mattered in my life.
I could not believe the support I received, once I opened up, and got real. One of my dearest friends always wanted to offer her support, but she stayed quiet so she would not offend.
Be brave, make yourself available to your friends and family. You will be so pleasantly surprised by the support you will get from them, besides.........
This guy does not hold the key to your happiness, he never did, you do. And to base your happily ever after on someone else is not a healthy situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Tuffgirl....I understand. And trust me, when the thinking starts I scream in my head, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" When the crying starts...I try to think of the horrible things he did and said.
I know that the problem is inside ME. I know that I am not in control of my thinking. I know that my perspective is warped. If I knew how to just say, "Ok, I'm not going to let that bother me" (and actually DO it)...I wouldn't be in Al Anon, I wouldn't be on here, I wouldn't be reading books about co-dependency.
Marie, thank you for sharing about your family.
Truthfully, I think people are so *shocked* that a woman as young as I am, with as much going for her...is STILL hung up on HIM. Because of their surprised reactions when I bring him up...I stopped bringing him up...and how I feel right now.
I'm usually told, "UGH! He's a JERK! Get over it!"
Ok...so I'm already ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know that I need to get over it.
Maybe I should keep trying to reach out? How did you approach family about this? I think mine are probably all tired of hearing about it!
I know that the problem is inside ME. I know that I am not in control of my thinking. I know that my perspective is warped. If I knew how to just say, "Ok, I'm not going to let that bother me" (and actually DO it)...I wouldn't be in Al Anon, I wouldn't be on here, I wouldn't be reading books about co-dependency.
Marie, thank you for sharing about your family.
Truthfully, I think people are so *shocked* that a woman as young as I am, with as much going for her...is STILL hung up on HIM. Because of their surprised reactions when I bring him up...I stopped bringing him up...and how I feel right now.
I'm usually told, "UGH! He's a JERK! Get over it!"
Ok...so I'm already ashamed and embarrassed of myself. I know that I need to get over it.
Maybe I should keep trying to reach out? How did you approach family about this? I think mine are probably all tired of hearing about it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
I'd also like to get off my chest....and to see if others have experienced the same....before they disappear, there is a big "cliff hanger"...
Meaning, before this no contact started, after an angry email the last thing he said was, "Go to a meeting. I love you, I know you're hurting. You are the love of my life."
And I just didn't believe him because in my gut I feel like he's sleeping with everything that walks right now.
but its that door left ajar...that "I love you"...that keeps my head from going "screw you!" and slamming the door. Because I know in my distorted head I want to believe that its true. Well over a month of not hearing from him....those two sides of my brain are in battle.
Some days I wish he had just said, "I hate you and I'm with someone else." Maybe I'd be angrier and that would keep any pain away.
Meaning, before this no contact started, after an angry email the last thing he said was, "Go to a meeting. I love you, I know you're hurting. You are the love of my life."
And I just didn't believe him because in my gut I feel like he's sleeping with everything that walks right now.
but its that door left ajar...that "I love you"...that keeps my head from going "screw you!" and slamming the door. Because I know in my distorted head I want to believe that its true. Well over a month of not hearing from him....those two sides of my brain are in battle.
Some days I wish he had just said, "I hate you and I'm with someone else." Maybe I'd be angrier and that would keep any pain away.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
That " I Love You" that he left you with, I can safely assure it was just another attempt to keep you coming back. It's control, he thinks he is superman, God's gift to women, makes me want to barf. Remember its actions not words, that we pay close attention to. Listen to your gut instinct.
As soon as you make the decision that you are worth so much more, good things will begin to happen.
Seems to me the reason people are shocked is because you obviously have alot going for yourself, and others see this and believe in you. Don't be afraid to look in the mirror, you are who you are, and you can't let your light shine under a bucket. Call some friends and go enjoy the weekend. Your going to have to push yourself to get reinvolved in your own life. As they say around here, Let go or be dragged.........
As soon as you make the decision that you are worth so much more, good things will begin to happen.
Seems to me the reason people are shocked is because you obviously have alot going for yourself, and others see this and believe in you. Don't be afraid to look in the mirror, you are who you are, and you can't let your light shine under a bucket. Call some friends and go enjoy the weekend. Your going to have to push yourself to get reinvolved in your own life. As they say around here, Let go or be dragged.........
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Actions speak louder than words.
Actions.speak.louder.than.words.
The first time we say something to someone, we say it for them. After that we're saying it for ourselves. This way I have us both covered, and that's a reminder I can always benefit from.
Welcome to recovery work, RedCandle. It got harder before it got easier for me, but 2.5 years into it I wouldn't trade the work I've done--though I have my challenges I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. You can be, too.
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep going to meetings. Oh, and I'd recommend the Alanon 12 Promises--they're coming true for me, one day at a time. And they can for you, too...
posie
Actions.speak.louder.than.words.
The first time we say something to someone, we say it for them. After that we're saying it for ourselves. This way I have us both covered, and that's a reminder I can always benefit from.
Welcome to recovery work, RedCandle. It got harder before it got easier for me, but 2.5 years into it I wouldn't trade the work I've done--though I have my challenges I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. You can be, too.
Keep coming back, keep reading, keep going to meetings. Oh, and I'd recommend the Alanon 12 Promises--they're coming true for me, one day at a time. And they can for you, too...
posie
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have good news. For me it got better.
I have not so good news. For me it took some significant time to get the worry and obsession out of my being. For me it was between six to twelve months before I truly was able to come behind the fog. It did happen though, just not as fast as I would have liked.
I had to muck through a lot of manure before I could bloom. I needed it as painful as it was.
I have not so good news. For me it took some significant time to get the worry and obsession out of my being. For me it was between six to twelve months before I truly was able to come behind the fog. It did happen though, just not as fast as I would have liked.
I had to muck through a lot of manure before I could bloom. I needed it as painful as it was.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by RedCandle 
I'd also like to get off my chest....and to see if others have experienced the same....before they disappear, there is a big "cliff hanger"...
Meaning, before this no contact started, after an angry email the last thing he said was, "Go to a meeting. I love you, I know you're hurting. You are the love of my life."
And I just didn't believe him because in my gut I feel like he's sleeping with everything that walks right now.
but its that door left ajar...that "I love you"...that keeps my head from going "screw you!" and slamming the door. Because I know in my distorted head I want to believe that its true. Well over a month of not hearing from him....those two sides of my brain are in battle.
Some days I wish he had just said, "I hate you and I'm with someone else." Maybe I'd be angrier and that would keep any pain away.
Meaning, before this no contact started, after an angry email the last thing he said was, "Go to a meeting. I love you, I know you're hurting. You are the love of my life."
And I just didn't believe him because in my gut I feel like he's sleeping with everything that walks right now.
but its that door left ajar...that "I love you"...that keeps my head from going "screw you!" and slamming the door. Because I know in my distorted head I want to believe that its true. Well over a month of not hearing from him....those two sides of my brain are in battle.
Some days I wish he had just said, "I hate you and I'm with someone else." Maybe I'd be angrier and that would keep any pain away.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Marie...you're right. Oh and he knows how it works. I am so determined to not break. For the past year I have always run back in no more than a week. And its so true about my friends and family...by all accounts, I have A LOT going for me. They are so shocked that I hold on. And this is why I came here tonight to confess my addiction because I'm ashamed and embarrassed by it...and I want it to stop.
You know what really gets my self-esteem? Given all that I have going for me...it eats me up inside that he seems to find women left and right to "replace me"...and in the YEAR that we have been separated..I haven't even been asked out on a date. Sometimes I just can't help but look at the sky and ask my HP, "why? Why the buffet of options for him...and the only close relationship *I* have is the one with my pain." Well...I KNOW why...its because that's the relationship I'm holding on to!
Still, it really digs at your self-esteem...I can't help but just be brutally honest about that.
Posie...2.5 years of work...wow, that's incredible. I feel like such a wuss for complaining about a few weeks! I'm not giving up...I'm just really frustrated with myself and how addicted to thinking about him I am. I am so envious of the strength I see on this board and I'm eager to know how to get to that place.
You know what really gets my self-esteem? Given all that I have going for me...it eats me up inside that he seems to find women left and right to "replace me"...and in the YEAR that we have been separated..I haven't even been asked out on a date. Sometimes I just can't help but look at the sky and ask my HP, "why? Why the buffet of options for him...and the only close relationship *I* have is the one with my pain." Well...I KNOW why...its because that's the relationship I'm holding on to!
Still, it really digs at your self-esteem...I can't help but just be brutally honest about that.
Posie...2.5 years of work...wow, that's incredible. I feel like such a wuss for complaining about a few weeks! I'm not giving up...I'm just really frustrated with myself and how addicted to thinking about him I am. I am so envious of the strength I see on this board and I'm eager to know how to get to that place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Katiekate
The door is left open, but as you said you have not heard from him in a month, he wants you to walk through, then he has no responsibility for you being in the same place you were when things heat up again. That's my take, my xa did the same thing.
Wow! Now THERE'S some perspective! I know if I came back it would just be the same thing. No real change on either of our ends could happen in a month...but I never thought of it that way.
He leaves the door open. Temptation...I walk through. If it falls apart, he can stand victorious on the sideline that he was "showing love" and I came back "to hurt him."
Damn!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by marie1960
I am certain your family is not tired of hearing about YOU. They possibly are tired of hearing about HIM, remember to keep the focus on you. Afterall, it is about you now.
The other thing I have learned about why it is so hard for my family is that they want me to feel better, if I feel better they feel better. Not saying it's fair, but it's the way it is.
You guys are sooooo awesome. I just love reading what you have to say. It really helps.
xoxoxoxoxo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
Good point. I suppose I try to keep an 'image' that I'm indifferent to him so that no one will know that inside I'm screaming in pain.
I guess that's no different that alcoholics who look like they have it "all together" when meanwhile, they can't wait to get off work to get a drink.
With my close friends, I find myself deflecting the conversation to just talk about THEM...whats going on in their lives. That's because all I want to do is get all this garbage out of my head and I'm worried it will start gushing out when they ask me how things are going in my world (or if I offer).
I think its my bottling up...spilling it all out pattern that probably has people frustrated.
I hate that I've done this to my friends and family. I truly appreciate the openness of this forum...I never feel like I have to hold back here...and I love that the rest of you never do as well!
I guess that's no different that alcoholics who look like they have it "all together" when meanwhile, they can't wait to get off work to get a drink.
With my close friends, I find myself deflecting the conversation to just talk about THEM...whats going on in their lives. That's because all I want to do is get all this garbage out of my head and I'm worried it will start gushing out when they ask me how things are going in my world (or if I offer).
I think its my bottling up...spilling it all out pattern that probably has people frustrated.
I hate that I've done this to my friends and family. I truly appreciate the openness of this forum...I never feel like I have to hold back here...and I love that the rest of you never do as well!
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