hopeandhealing

Good morning - I am new to this forum so please let me give you a background of what is going on. I had 2.5 years of sobriety, but was in a very abusive (emotionally, mentally) relationship with someone who was sober for a while, but relapsed. Soon after, I relapsed. I was taking Ativan for the anxiety and then decided to start drinking again. During my time with my sponsor, she kept telling me that my relationship with ABF was filled with intensity and drama and she kept telling me to "ignore him, let him have his snit"...I worked all 12 steps with her but her style is very stern, very by the book. After a good 8 month run out there, and finally getting rid of ABF, I asked her to work with me again. She has 23years. She agreed. I told her this morning that I was going out of town to visit my sister (all my family is on East Coast). She was very stern and doesn't want me going anywhere. She told me she isn't sure if she will sponsor me. I shouldn't be going anywhere since I haven't got 30 days yet.

I am confused, b/c I ran into problems with her in the past. I don't know if I want or need to be subjected to such a harse style of sponsorship as I am super fragile right now. I don't want to drink, but she also doesn't believe in any medications (antidepressants, etc). In the book it says, "we are not doctors". I feel that this isn't getting off to good start and I think I should try to find someone else who can sponsor me instead. I think this way b/c I feel horrible after speaking with her everytime. This was even in my 2.5 of being sober. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Zee

Hi H&H
I'm not an AA'er myself, but I will say this... I don't think anybody has a right to tell you where you can or can't go! Period.

keepfinding2

Yeah, fire the sponsor. I'm with Zee on this one.

hopeandhealing

Oh thank you so much for the support. My gut has told me this since the get go. I am not even sure I want to be in the "program" right now. I have a lot of other resources and I'm not sure if that design for living is right for me.

Gerbosko

hopeandhealing - I'm sober and happy and I never was in AA nor had a sponsor. The decisions I made were my own and I didn't question them because I kept telling myself they were the right decisions and any actions I made still lead back to those decisions being the right ones. Someone who tells you that you cannot leave to visit family isn't very secure with their own style of sobriety. You're your own person and you're old enough to make your own decisions. If you know you're not going to drink, you'll do fine and the visit will be good for you.

I'm with Zee on this one, I'd say ditch the sponsor but this is your decision.

laurie6781

(((((hopeandhealing)))))

I have been sober a very long time and have sponsored for a very long time.

J M H O based on my own experiences as a sponsee and as a sponsor .................. GET A NEW SPONSOR.

Use the other phone numbers you have, but do yourself a favor and find a new sponsor. I also, would never tell a sponsee where they can and cannot go, I might want to discuss it with them and have them make a Pro/Con list on the particular plan, but it is still up to the sponsee to make the decision.

And as to prescribed medications, such as Anti-D's well that is between you and your doctor, not you and AA or you and your sponsor. I have had many sponsees over the years that would not have made it into recovery or have continuous recovery without the assistance of the Medical Profession. WE ARE NOT DOCTORS.

So, if going back east to visit your family is a 'safe' place for you and you do some research on line so you have a 'list of meetings' while there, and you really need the compassion of your family at the moment, then heck, .................... go.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

MemphisBlues

Get a new sponsor. I don't know where this attitude of Sponsor Dictator came from, but her not believing in medication could kill someone. I do know many people on benzos and every single one of them have relapsed. Were you on the benzo before, during or after your relapse? Might be something to think about there.

That said, during the first few days of sobriety -- hell, during the first few months -- I needed someone to be responsible to. I couldn't
make up my mind to start walking with the left foot or fright foot and needed someone who could just pull be forward.

I also have sponsor issues. I think once we rack up some sober time we slip into thinking for ourselves and lose the desperation that brought us into the rooms. You chalked up more than two years...I wouldn't let a trip with less than 30 days under your belt make you stumble again. However, I couldn't have been around alcohol during my first 30 days and would urge you to reconisider your trip if you know others around you will not be supportive during this sensitive time.

Payton

I'm new to all of this, but having a sponsor who belittles taking antidepressants when you're overcoming addiction and have consulted with your physician concerns me. Seriously who thinks that way besides Tom Cruise? That's weird. You need someone to support and guide you, not a school teacher ready to hit you with a ruler or put you in the corner if you step out of line. Personally if your sister is a supportive person I think that a trip to visit her might be a helpful break. This doesn't sound like the best match for you.

Elisabeth888

I agree with what has been said.

A sponsor is not there to "control you". They are supposed to take you through the steps. The fact that a sponsor even wants to control their sponsee makes me think that they have issues.

SOBERINNEPA

I fired my first sponsor because he didn't want me to do "outside reading". The only books he wanted me to touch were the Big Book and the 12 &12.

Buh-bye

DayTrader

Everyone's entitled to an opinion, of course. I wonder how much experience some of the responders will have with AA and sponsorship and how qualified they are to render a judgement on something they don't know about, understand or have any experience with........but then again, all you can get is an opinion.

I know Laurie has a lot of successful experience in AA and I respect her opinion - although I disagree with her. LOL

I've disagreed with MY sponsor........didn't follow some directions of his too. Made him good and mad. In a couple cases I was right (making an amend he told me not to make, for example) and in some cases he was right. I don't agree with everything the ppl I MOST love in this world do.....not even my dog is perfect (lol - he's probably the closest though...lmao). A sponsor/sponsee relationship won't be perfect either.

From what you posted, I can't say it's at IS "controlling." It may feel that way.....but is it possible that she's right, you shouldn't go, and you're wrong? Don't get me wrong.....some ppl go overboard - and it doesn't matter if they're in AA or not.

Almost any question I've asked the group-- I knew in advance, somewhere deep down, what was right. Usually, what I know TO do conflicts with what a WANT to do.....so I'll go ask a bunch of ppl to try and get them to tell me to do what I want instead of what I should.


Here's what I tell my sponsees.....and other ppl's sponsees: our power/strength/etc MUST come from a higher power. You want a pretty good idea, ask me or ask another person. Get opinions and get ideas....but go to your HP for a can't lose answer - ask God.

Personally, I think it would be arrogant of me to suggest I know whether you should get a new sponsor, keep the current one. I don't know you and I don't have a clue about the other lady.

Db1105

Oh yeah, get a new sponsor. A sponsors job is to help guide you through the steps, not direct your life. I recommend reading the pamphlet 'Questions and Answers on Sponsorship'. You can find that and others on the AA website.

hopeandhealing

Thanks to everyone who replied. My family is completely supportive of my sobriety and will protect it at all costs.

As far as my sponsor goes, she once told me I had to get rid of my dogs (I was going thru money problems at the time). There is no way in H#LL I would ever do that - never.

I had been with her for 1.5 years and while she has a ton of experience, she is not one to share strength and hope. If I ask her something, she quotes the book - doesn't share her experiences with me, which give me hope. She told me what to do in my abusive relationship, and when I followed direction, (i was miserable) - she told me I had to stay in that relationship until I was at least halfway done with my amends. Who tells someone to stay in an abusive relationship? What I really think it comes down to is personality and style. She is the only sponsor I've ever known and there are a circle of people who turned their backs on me when I went out - not that it was any of their business. The AA culture here in SoCal is very odd. We aren't supposed to "kick our wounded", but thats what I experienced and I think I have to find another person to take me back through the steps and apply a different approach. Love and tolerance of others is the code. Right now, I am a bit burned out by the program. I have no desire to drink. I have to heal from this horrible relationship I was in and take care of me. I don't think having her as a sponsor is helping me heal at all. Sorry if I sound like a pity-party, but my family, my therapist, and a lot of my friends think I should drop her too.

desertsong

I agree with the others, get a new sponsor. Don't let this person put you off of AA if you really think it is working for you. AA is the STEPS, NOT the sponsor but you still need someone who can support, encourage, and guide you through those steps and it needs to be someone who you respect and trust. I dropped my first sponsor for the same reasons you mentioned, although she wasn't as severe. She DID, however, insist that I work the steps HER way, which put me off of both her and AA for a time, and I relapsed during that time. Not blaming her in any way, shape or form, but I did feel lost, abandoned and misunderstood and those things had a lot to do with why I relapsed. The sponsor I have now is about to celebrate 28 years of sobriety next month and she is a GEM. Wisdom galore, support, encouragement, sage advice, and also a kick in my butt when I need it. But she has never, and would never, tell me what to do ... period. She calls me on my BS, and definitely tells me the truth whether I want to hear it or not, but her approach is firmness tempered with love. Your sponsor sounds very harsh and judgmental and while I will be the first to say that truth is important, even if it hurts, it needs to be balanced by softness and encouragement. That IS a tough balance for some sponsors because we are all human and we know what has worked for us ... the harsh approach works on some folks but definitely not on others. I personally need a sponsor who has no problems calling me on my BS and kicking me in the butt when I need it, but without being punitive and cold.

I think you should trust your instincts and get a new sponsor. Don't give up on AA because of this person - just find someone more in keeping with your personality. AA has all kinds of people in it ... that's just the nature of the program ... some you will relate to, and others will rub you totally the wrong way. AA itself is a solid, effective program that has helped many, many people, but sometimes the PEOPLE get in the way of the program.

tanja

I agree with the other posts. It is not conducive to recovery to deal with someone that harsh, unyielding and ignorant. Where is the serentity? As far as getting rid of your dogs - the woman has no compassion.

Jaynee

Hope and Healing.... I think you already know your answer. Follow your gut instinct. I went to 3 or 4 AA meetings and I didn't like it at all. So I never went back and I won't go back. I know what I like and don't, and the meetings just rubbed me the wrong way. Some things work for some people and not for others, it's just the way life is. I am following a different program that works for me, and it is working.

As for anti-depressants and benzos.......well...., that is something you need to talk with your doctor about and not your sponsor. This is just my personal experience, and I'm not suggesting anything, but I wouldn't use anti-depressants just to get off of booze, because personally I don't think it would work, maybe Naltrexone, this seems to work wonders for some. I have suffered a few episodes of "true clinical depression" and trust me I was very sober and wasn't drinking at all, and the anti-depressants and benzos were a life saver. Psychiatric medications have their place in certain situations, but shouldn't be given out like candy and taken lightly. There are some funky side-effects when starting them, but some people truly need them. Just my humble opinion.

But I think you have already answered your own question, and only you can truly answer your own question, no matter what others say.

onlythetruth

I have quite a bit of experience with AA although I'm no longer in the program. From what I've seen, the value of sponsorship can range from "excellent" to "train wreck" depending on a number of variables, one of which is the approach of the sponsor. Highly controlling sponsors, who insist upon directing every aspect of a sponsee's life, are among the worst. Not only are they obnoxious, but they don't teach a sponsee anything useful. Real life does not involve having someone else orchestrate your every move.

So, if you're going to use a sponsor, it's important to find someone who is kind, and who holds you accountable without running your life for you. It doesn't seem to me as though this particular sponsor fits the bill. And telling you to get rid of your dogs? She should be ashamed of herself.

Grateful Heart

Hi HopeandHealing, welcome to SoberRecovery. Good to have you with us. You've recieved some excellent advice here. I can't think of anything to add.

MemphisBlues

Sorry to chime in again on this one, but I base my response to "get a new sponsor now!!" solely on the antidepressant comment.

I've been on this board enough to recognize old fashion whining, and I have only been in the rooms for 20 months or so, but I have seen sponsors who have waaay too much ego involved. Like DayTrader pointed out, I have no right to judge your sponsor, but I do draw the line on this crap on antidepressants.

Some sponsors just can't humble themselves enough to realize that if they suffered the way many do with depression, they would try to educate themselves about it.

Yeah..I know...everyone who gets sober goes through depression and doctors are quick to whip on the feel-good prescription pad. And when it comes to benzos, I do draw the line...And I have yet to see someone with serious depression issues come out of rehab or whatever and not be prescribed something for a while, and a sponsor may be right to tell a sponsee to ask their Doctor about tapering off the drugs, but to just tell a sponsee that antidepressants are wrong? No way.

If Bill W. was alive today he would be breaking open capsules of Prozac and snorting them.

onlythetruth

I couldn't agree more. That alone is reason enough to "fire" a sponsor.