muffinhead

Okay, long story short, I have been in AA for a couple of months. I've been trying to follow the program as best I can...

Got a home group, got a sponsor, volunteered for service (I've been making sandwiches last month and this one), read the book daily, started the steps, called my sponsor daily, started doing the 90 Meetings in 90 Days...

Got to Day 47, a meeting every day and sometimes two, and then relapsed. But am still going to meetings.

Not an excuse, but the trigger was having to put my cat down. During a closed meeting that week which my sponsor attended, I shared that I had had a couple of drinks after the event. No, I was not drunk, nor belligerent, nor interruptive, nor blameful, nor rude...just trying to be as honest as possible.

The next day I got a text message that she had a number of sponsees, and really didn't have the energy to help anyone that wasn't willing to help themselves.

I'm sorry, I know she's only human, and I certainly don't expect her to solve my problems, but wtf? Should I have lied?

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Muffinhead - situations like that are tough, and not just for alcoholics - it's just we tend to deal with them in some pretty self destructive ways.

I wish I had stayed sober when my pets died - I think the drinking impeded the grieving process, not to mention the damage it did to me - whether it's a few drinks or a week long bender alcohol was never good for me.

I see now we're meant to grieve - it's a natural process - a painful one sure, but a necessary part of life's journey.

I'm not in AA but I'm guessing sponsors are as free to sever the connection if they feel it's not working out, just as you are as a sponsee.

I know you'll soon find another sponsor

D

muffinhead

Thanks very much, Dee. But the thing is, I don't know if I even want another sponsor now.

Yes, I very much want to stop drinking, and yes, I was absolutely committed to giving the program my all (still attending, still doing service, still contributing financially, etc...).

But, I mean...really? An AA sponsor can 'fire' you because you honestly admit you have a problem with alcohol, but are trying to deal with it? I thought that was the whole point of the program...

Jeez, if I didn't already feel crappy, pathetic, shameful, rejected and judged, I certainly am now...lol.

I'm really leaning toward asking my doctor to just prescribe a pill to help with the cravings.

susanlauren

Muffinhead,
I am sorry for the loss of your pet and sorry that you relapsed. Dee is right. Drinking only impedes the grieving process. And yes, we do grieve over our furry companions. You were right to tell the truth. I do not agree with the way your sponsor handled the situation. A text message telling you she could no longer work with you was not a kind thing for her to have done. I would encourage you to get back up, brush yourself off, and find someone else to work with.
Susan Lauren

Dee74

I think it's best to remember sponsors are people too Muffinhead - with all the good and bad that can entail

Did you like the AA programme before this? If you did, then maybe the problems a personality issue and not a dogmatic one?

D

least

I don't think there is a pill that helps with cravings. I don't think there's any thing that helps with cravings, I think it's more a feeling in our minds and hearts than anything external.

muffinhead

Thanks, Least, though that wasn't especially helpful or on-topic. I corrected my typo as soon as I saw it, but I guess you beat me to it.

muffinhead

Okay, I see you've edited your own post, too. Have a good day.

Pinkcuda

No you shouldn't have lied. It appears your sponsor isn't up to the challenges that alcoholism presents to begin with. It's probably for the best. It's kind of a double edged sword here. In AAs infancy there was a requirement that no alcohol be consumed and you would lose membership. You didn't just go to AA. AA came to you as a result of AA members out scouring the streets looking for alcoholics to work with. If you were given the boot you could expect a long wait until an AA member found you once again while out trolling for drunks. We're not that hard today and we keep relapsing again and again. AAs willing to tolerate this type of behavior and welcome you back into the rooms whether you drank, didn't drink or even walked in drunk.
Where I question your sponsor is whether the motives are well intended or whether your sponsor even understands the nature of alcoholism. AAs premise is alcoholics staying sober by helping alcoholics. It means your sponsor is staying sober by helping you. You then pass on your experience to your fledgling alcoholics that come to you for sponsorship. In doing so you help to ensure your sobriety.
So what happens when someone comes to me after a relapse? I will look them in the eye and state that I really don't have any direct experience as I've never relapsed. I then suggest we go talk to someone that has and see what they have to offer. We go together because the setting is usually at a meeting anyways and we ask for experience from those that have it.
I personally am not too impressed and hope you find a sponsor that is a little more like minded when it comes to relapse. It happens. Don't make a habit of it.

Diva76

Hello Muffinhead....

I'm so sorry to hear about your cat...
I would be really upset too...
I'm glad you didn't lie about your relapse...
I attend Al-Anon and for me, being in recovery means having the ability to be honest with yourself and others.....
Relapses (for some) are part of the journey...
Personally, I don't feel your sponsor behaved appropriately either, but at the same time I wouldn't necessarily bag the entire concept of working with a sponsor either....

I thought I would share this with you, as I made the choice to "fire" my Al-Anon Sponsor several weeks ago...

As I got to know my sponsor, I felt that although she was helpful to me intitally, there were matters in her life that impacted our relationship in a negative way.

In fact, I was beginning to suspect that she may have had some issues of her own and while I am NOT by any means perfect myself, I felt some of her choices were in direct conflict with the Al-Anon Program...

When I began to feel uneasy just being in her presence, I took that as a "sign" from my higher power that it was time for me to move on....

And, I haven't looked back since nor has she.....

So, while you weren't the one who decided to sever the relationship; it may be a good thing for you in the long run....

Your sponsor's commitment to having "perfect" Sponsees is not your issue, nor is it realistic. Your recovery is about you and while this person may have been disapppointed by the fact that you did relapse, it almost appears to me like they took it personally?

From what I read, it seems to me that you are committed to making some changes. During the more difficult times in life, the demons that we are fighting to put to rest come at us FULL FORCE (as you just discovered)

Perhaps you can take the love you had for your cat and use that positive energy to get yourself back on track!

You can do this

Peace to you....

Diva 76

sugarbear1

Were the sponsor/sponsee ground rules set in the beginning of this partnership?

Were you told to call your sponsor Before drinking or Whenever you get a bright idea/any idea?

I can't speak for your sponsor, yet I know that there should be guidelines. It's hard to make time for a sponsee who continues to do what they want! There are other sponsees who really want help & who follow simple suggestions.

I disagree with texting...face to face chat is best!

Please don't give up! Humble yourself and find a more sober sponsor!

My opinions only.

Best wishes on staying stopped!

sugarbear1

My sincere condolences on your loss.

WritingFool

I too am sorry for your loss.

Your former sponsor does't sound like someone who is prepared to take on sponsees. That is the nicest thing I can think of to say about that LOL

eJoshua

Sorry to hear about your sponsor woes. I also think that they handled the situation very poorly and you were completely right to be honest about your relapse.

I do hope you are able to find another sponsor and continue the hard work you started.

Take care

OorWullie

I'm sorry for your loss Muffinhead and good luck with finding a another sponsor as you deserve someone with a bit more patience and understanding. Stay honest with yourself and you'll succeed.

instant

Maybe your sponser was not that solid in recovery and was challenged by what you did. Maybe they have an issue with grief, dealing with people in grief or pain. Maybe they have taken on too much and are now regretting it etc etc etc

best of luck

Threshold

I was fired by my first sponsor for pretty much the same reason. Only it was a real shock, because she and I had hashed out the ground rules and she had told me, to my direct question, that if I slipped, and got myself right back up and in, she would not fire me.

Turns out she had talked to HER sponsor, who told her she clearly was not a good sponsor to me, or I would not have slipped and she should fire me for my own good.

I went into something of a tailspin, but stayed in the program. It took me a little while to find a new sponsor, and due to my first sponsors reaction I did feel like a failure, shunned rather than supported etc.

In sharing my story with other recovering addicts, I got a lot of feedback. Some agreed with her, if I didn't really want this thing, well they didn't have time and energy to waste on me. Others said clearly I DID want this thing, since I got right back up, in there, honest etc, and good for me.

The way I look at slips, etc is this. I don't know many addicts who haven't quit a hundred times on their own. Whether in their head or in actuality for an hour, six hours, or two weeks, only to say "hang it" over something and go right back to it. Some of us haven't gotten that phase out of our system by the time we reach a twelve step or other program, or a support group like SR.

The idea of a program, or a support group is to help us find tools that we didn't have the other hundred times we "quit", so that this time can be THE time.

Some sponsors cant sponsor someone who isn't there yet, who still hasn't come to the last of their "no this time for real" episodes. People have different gifts and methods. As someone else mentioned, if they don't have the experience, strength and hope to help us with a situation, it can be better for us to be handed on to someone who does.

That doesn't make the experience of being fired any easier to deal with, especially when we know how hard it was to stop ourselves, get honest and keep on going. Especially when we have been fired in a lousy way, and yeah, breaking up via text is a sucky way of dealing with things.

I feel for you. And offer my own E,S and H. It's YOUR recovery, keep at it, find the tools and support you need to move forward, and wish that first sponsor well on their journey, always praying for others that which you seek for yourself.Peace and joy.

Kablume

First I want to give my condolences on the loss of your cat. That is a very traumatic event. I lost my dog back in July and I was heartbroken. But also, good for you for going in and being honest for saying the you drank, That takes a lot of courage.

And I have to say shame on her for not telling you in person. I don't agree with her reasoning but she could have explained it to you. I have changed sponsors but it has been on good terms and we remained friends.

I hope you don't give up on getting another sponsor. I have had a couple of sponsors since getting sober and it can be a wonderful relationship. There are good people in the program that sponsor.

Congrats on working a good program and not lying. Keep up the good work!

Fenris

The sponsor/sponsee relationship is a two-way street and can be terminated at any time for any reason be either person. I'm not going to take your sponsor's inventory (and in her shoes, I believe I probably would have acted differently), but I think the important thing to remember here is that you now have the opportunity to find a sponsor that will better suit your needs. So there is a bright side to this.

Getting "fired" isn't about rejection (or at least, it shouldn't be); it's about everyone doing what's best for their own program of recovery. In your shoes, I would pray for my ex-sponsor and be careful not to let a resentment build over this.

And yes, I think you did the right thing by being honest, regardless of the outcome -- practicing "rigorous honesty" doesn't mean that we'll always be happy with the immediate results.

--Fenris.

bas0120

I once heard a speaker say that if there was such a pill, and the dose was 1 pill a day; he'd take 2-3 thinking if 1 was supposed to make him feel better, 2-3 must make him feel great, lol. When he said that, it hit home and all I could do was laugh, because I'd have that exact same mindset.