What to do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
What to do?
Hi
I am new here. Apologies for the long post. I have been married for 13 years. I realised he had a drinking problem 6 years ago. He knows he is an alcoholic and has been trying recovery for the past year and a half.
He tried counselling, AA and medication. For the past 8 months he has been on campral and recently he started taking naltrexone with the idea of following the sinclair method.
Last year he lost his job for drinking at work and was for several months unemployed. He found another one and 6 months after he is about to get sacked for the same reason.
I do not what to do. Wait for a few months to see if the medication extingish his drinking? ( I follow eagerly the sinclairmethod forum). I do not know if I could cope with him drinking at home for months or if this will just enable him to carry on. He is a binge drinker, he does not drink everyway but binges twice a week.We have twin girls, 3 years old who adore his father. I have been fighting to keep us a family. But what it is not possible is not possible, right?
He is german and we have discussed for him to go to Germany and carry on with his recovery at his parents or at a centre.
Any advice welcome. I have not told any of this to my family and I do not have many people I can talk about it.
Thank you in advance.
I am new here. Apologies for the long post. I have been married for 13 years. I realised he had a drinking problem 6 years ago. He knows he is an alcoholic and has been trying recovery for the past year and a half.
He tried counselling, AA and medication. For the past 8 months he has been on campral and recently he started taking naltrexone with the idea of following the sinclair method.
Last year he lost his job for drinking at work and was for several months unemployed. He found another one and 6 months after he is about to get sacked for the same reason.
I do not what to do. Wait for a few months to see if the medication extingish his drinking? ( I follow eagerly the sinclairmethod forum). I do not know if I could cope with him drinking at home for months or if this will just enable him to carry on. He is a binge drinker, he does not drink everyway but binges twice a week.We have twin girls, 3 years old who adore his father. I have been fighting to keep us a family. But what it is not possible is not possible, right?
He is german and we have discussed for him to go to Germany and carry on with his recovery at his parents or at a centre.
Any advice welcome. I have not told any of this to my family and I do not have many people I can talk about it.
Thank you in advance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you Anvilhead
You are right if he is drinking he is not in recovery. It is just that I want so much to keep us together as a family but I can not do it on my own. Being a good father and husband when he does not drink it is not enough. Going away and try to recover I think it is the best solution and if it does not work , well, as you say I have my two little girls who make me very happy.
You are right if he is drinking he is not in recovery. It is just that I want so much to keep us together as a family but I can not do it on my own. Being a good father and husband when he does not drink it is not enough. Going away and try to recover I think it is the best solution and if it does not work , well, as you say I have my two little girls who make me very happy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Hello Kesita,
I am glad you are here, but certainly not happy about the reason.
I agree, send him back to Germany (his parents or a rehab centre) to see if that would work.
Kesita, while he is gone, you will have some time to think. Think without the chaos of someone getting drunk twice a week.
So far, all his efforts have failed. Why do you think that is?
As a recovering alcoholic, I think he keeps failing because he wants to drink more than he wants to quit.
Your twin girls deserve at least one sober parent. Right now that is you.
He wants to drink more than be a father to his girls. Or keep a job to support his family.
While he is gone, you can concentrate on you, get the book "Codependent No More" and find some kind of support meetings. Maybe a counselor who specializes in addiction in a family.
You take care of yourself first, then take care of those delightful daughters, you will need all your strength for twins.
We are open 24/7 whenever you want to talk Kesita.
Please come back with any questions or to talk.
:ghug3
Beth
I am glad you are here, but certainly not happy about the reason.
I agree, send him back to Germany (his parents or a rehab centre) to see if that would work.
Kesita, while he is gone, you will have some time to think. Think without the chaos of someone getting drunk twice a week.
So far, all his efforts have failed. Why do you think that is?
As a recovering alcoholic, I think he keeps failing because he wants to drink more than he wants to quit.
Your twin girls deserve at least one sober parent. Right now that is you.
He wants to drink more than be a father to his girls. Or keep a job to support his family.
While he is gone, you can concentrate on you, get the book "Codependent No More" and find some kind of support meetings. Maybe a counselor who specializes in addiction in a family.
You take care of yourself first, then take care of those delightful daughters, you will need all your strength for twins.
We are open 24/7 whenever you want to talk Kesita.
Please come back with any questions or to talk.
:ghug3
Beth
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: hawaii
Posts: 5
my mom left my alchoholic father after 13yrs of marriage i was 9 yrs old after she divorced him he left and we dint see him for years, i was mad and confused but now i am glad that it happened the way it did because the confusion of wondering what happened wasnt as bad as im sure the years of mental abuse wouldve been, when your daughters get old enuff to start asking questions and hearing the screaming fights they will be hurt like you are, not saying that leaving is the answer but you definitely need some support you should tell anyone you can for some backup even a friend can be helpful in being present to help soften the blow.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you Beth.
I am here crying my hear out as the true hurts. " he wants to drink more than being a father". In a way I feel I failed my daughter as well. I have in front of me a drawing my them, mammy and dady holding hands and I can see that we will not be a family again.
I just need to get my head around all this and not to be weak and let myself to be persuaded again. 18 months is enough time supporting somone and althoough there has been an improvent from drinking 4,5 days a week to 2 it is not good enough above all when he can not hold a job.
Thank you again for your words I needed somebody to tell me.
I am here crying my hear out as the true hurts. " he wants to drink more than being a father". In a way I feel I failed my daughter as well. I have in front of me a drawing my them, mammy and dady holding hands and I can see that we will not be a family again.
I just need to get my head around all this and not to be weak and let myself to be persuaded again. 18 months is enough time supporting somone and althoough there has been an improvent from drinking 4,5 days a week to 2 it is not good enough above all when he can not hold a job.
Thank you again for your words I needed somebody to tell me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
My husband loves his daughters but he loves more the alcohol, or he is far too dependant and he can just not leave alcohol.
If he recovers or not he will not be far away from his daughters from long. When we separate they will still have an alcoholic father but at least a sober one at hom
If he recovers or not he will not be far away from his daughters from long. When we separate they will still have an alcoholic father but at least a sober one at hom
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Thank you Beth.
I am here crying my hear out as the true hurts. " he wants to drink more than being a father".
I am here crying my hear out as the true hurts. " he wants to drink more than being a father".
But, if this is the last time you cry about alcohol in your life, that is a good thing.
You have not failed your daughters. You are saving them a life of insecurity.
::ghug3
Beth
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Kesita, you haven't failed your daughters. You are aware of the problem, and you're trying to figure out what to do. It's your husband who has failed them, in a way.
It is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You are doing the right thing now. This web site is very helpful.
It is a very sad situation, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. You are doing the right thing now. This web site is very helpful.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 5
Hi
I am at work trying to keep it together and get through the day. This evening I am meeting my next door neighbours who are good friends to discuss the possibilities and the pros and cons. They think he has not touched rock bottom yet and that the situation can only deteriorate more.
Thank your your comments about not failing my daughters. It is hard not to think that as I think I should have realised before of his problem, we have been together 13 years, and have done something about it. It looks like they are going to grow up now with a father who can not look after himself, much less look after them.
Wicked you are right being with him will make them more bad than good long term. I never thought I will be in this situation. I still have a sense or unreality. That this is a bad dream and I am going to wake up and everything will be fine.
I am at work trying to keep it together and get through the day. This evening I am meeting my next door neighbours who are good friends to discuss the possibilities and the pros and cons. They think he has not touched rock bottom yet and that the situation can only deteriorate more.
Thank your your comments about not failing my daughters. It is hard not to think that as I think I should have realised before of his problem, we have been together 13 years, and have done something about it. It looks like they are going to grow up now with a father who can not look after himself, much less look after them.
Wicked you are right being with him will make them more bad than good long term. I never thought I will be in this situation. I still have a sense or unreality. That this is a bad dream and I am going to wake up and everything will be fine.
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