90 days or one year - what is enough space??
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
90 days or one year - what is enough space??
Hi, I've told my ABF our relationship is over after one relapse too many for me. He is moving out but we both still really care about each other so finding it really difficult. I have said that I don't want to see him until he has been sober for a year and only then might we have a chance, assuming we both want to be together then. I'm reading other posts that talk about giving someone 90 days before moving back - I picked a year a bit out of blue with some advice from others and reading about recovery but it feels so long. What is a reasonable length of time?
My ABF has never been violent or put me down but since I've known him in last 6 years he has always had difficulty stopping drinking. He has periods of control bizarrely where we had bottle of wine together with a meal (before I realised extent of problem) and he was fine but he also had occasional binges that when I told him they were unacceptable, he started hiding his drinking which became more serious in the last 18 months. He has stopped drinking off and on since oct with mixed success. He has been going to AA since one relapse earlier this year but had two relapses in last month, one of which was when we were on holiday - a holiday we both desperately needed so that was the last straw for me. I have realised by allowing him to stay, forgiving each time, I am enabling him but I still want to be with him, providing he sorts himself out. Welcome advice as to how long to give myself, well as him? I don't want to give mixed messages and 90 days feels too short but is nc for a year the best option??
My ABF has never been violent or put me down but since I've known him in last 6 years he has always had difficulty stopping drinking. He has periods of control bizarrely where we had bottle of wine together with a meal (before I realised extent of problem) and he was fine but he also had occasional binges that when I told him they were unacceptable, he started hiding his drinking which became more serious in the last 18 months. He has stopped drinking off and on since oct with mixed success. He has been going to AA since one relapse earlier this year but had two relapses in last month, one of which was when we were on holiday - a holiday we both desperately needed so that was the last straw for me. I have realised by allowing him to stay, forgiving each time, I am enabling him but I still want to be with him, providing he sorts himself out. Welcome advice as to how long to give myself, well as him? I don't want to give mixed messages and 90 days feels too short but is nc for a year the best option??
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
90 days is nothing in recovery, a year is better, two years even better.
Caring about each other is not going to be the thing that keeps your relationship strong, it's not the thing that is going to keep him sober.
His bottom has nothing to do with you, he is not ready. That is the reality.
Caring about each other is not going to be the thing that keeps your relationship strong, it's not the thing that is going to keep him sober.
His bottom has nothing to do with you, he is not ready. That is the reality.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would say the benchmark is one year and then unless I was 100% sure I would not move back in with him. You don't have to live with someone to be in a relationship with them.
90 days is a drop in the bucket, my exabf could easily go 90 days and then fall off the wagon again, each time he went back to addiction, it was worse.
There is no rush to make a time line today, give it a minimum of a year, watch his actions and go from there.
90 days is a drop in the bucket, my exabf could easily go 90 days and then fall off the wagon again, each time he went back to addiction, it was worse.
There is no rush to make a time line today, give it a minimum of a year, watch his actions and go from there.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Thank you both - 90 days does feel short and the more I think about it I need time to get myself sorted too. I am worried being in contact with him during that year will be confusing for us both so maybe we are better off ceasing contact for that time? I may not wish him to contact me then or he may decide he prefers the freedom to drink.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Anon, I think the better question might be what are you getting out of this relationship? I wished I had viewed my marriage from that point of view. There is a very good chance I wouldn't have staid near as long as I did once it got bad.
I have found since I have started working on myself both here and in al-anon that I don't need someone else to make me complete. I can look at my partner realistically and decide if this is a good relationship for me or not.
I'm not recommending nc for not and I'm not going to throw out a number of days either. All I would recommend is asking yourself if your needs being meet in this relationship and are you happy with the way things are now. If you are planning your relationship on how you think things will be in the future you are leaving yourself open for whole lot of hurt.
Your friend,
I have found since I have started working on myself both here and in al-anon that I don't need someone else to make me complete. I can look at my partner realistically and decide if this is a good relationship for me or not.
I'm not recommending nc for not and I'm not going to throw out a number of days either. All I would recommend is asking yourself if your needs being meet in this relationship and are you happy with the way things are now. If you are planning your relationship on how you think things will be in the future you are leaving yourself open for whole lot of hurt.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
I gave my husband the one year thing, he could never stay sober for a year on his own, we never got back together. stick to your guns, no one can give you this advise, you need to put some time/space between you and him, if he really wants to stay sober he has to do it for himself, not for you, he can't do it for anyone else soooo you saying a certain time limit sounds like you're trying to do what I did, give him the ol "it's me or the booze" thing, the booze wins all the time. don't put your life on hold like I did, llive, be happy move on if you have to. sorry, this is easier said then done...my best wishes to you. m
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
When I separated from my AH, I told him we'd revisit things in a year. For me, a year went by and it was enough to see that he was not in any way serious about sobriety. I think 90 days is not enough.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
One of the hardest things I have learned in Al-Anon is letting things go and taking it all one day at a time. Why the need to set a time limit right now? How about just setting back and letting it play itself out for a while?
You'll know when the time is right for whatever decision you have to make. Trust in yourself.
You'll know when the time is right for whatever decision you have to make. Trust in yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Thank you all for your responses - I think I was having a panic attack and doubting myself but spent the day being busy painting and it kind of came to me when I was calmer. The conclusions you have written all ring true. I have put my life on hold for lots of reasons, mainly though holding my breath until he drank again. If he doesn't get sober, I will have moved on, if he does, I may have moved on and if it's meant to be, then I have to let it go. I certainly don't want to be in a place where I end up in the same situation again so i'm definitely going to work on me.
I'm trying to get a one on one counselling session at the place where I go to my group but I think I need Al Anon rather than this group so going to check out my local group and take it from there. Thank you so much everyone - I don't know how I would have coped this last week without SR. I hope I can be of help to someone on here one day the way everyone has helped me x
I'm trying to get a one on one counselling session at the place where I go to my group but I think I need Al Anon rather than this group so going to check out my local group and take it from there. Thank you so much everyone - I don't know how I would have coped this last week without SR. I hope I can be of help to someone on here one day the way everyone has helped me x
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