CatsPajamas

“I want what they have.”

An SR friend said that statement recently, and I knew exactly what she meant. She was referring to people who have a peaceful, happy, contented life because they work a good recovery program. She said we want to serve as a healthy example of recovery in action... so that others would want to be here (SR) and want what we have.

When I was growing up, I learned to compare my insides to other peoples’ outsides. My mom always wanted a bigger house, fancier car, different clothes. She pointed out people, places and things that she thought were better than what we had, and it was obvious that she longed to have a different life – the “better” life that those nice things represented to her. “OH”, she’d sigh, “I want what they have.”

Fast forward to my life with my exH. We had a fairly high profile life and were active in a lot of community functions. We held board positions and did a lot of volunteer work. In public we were often called “the perfect couple/family”… but life at home behind closed doors was often a living H*LL for the children and me. As I found more recovery, learned about the confusing and conflicted days that we often live when the disease of alcoholism/addiction is also living in our home, I began to understand the odd dichotomy that was my life.

I remember hearing a man say to his wife (about us), “I want what they have….” Meaning he wished their relationship could be as good as he thought ours was. I also remember feeling a chill go up my spine as I thought “Oh no you don’t. If you only knew what my life is really like….” Nobody wants that life, especially not me. That was one of the things that gently pushed me to making changes.

Today, I have a different life. It’s happy and rich and full, more often than not. If someone says “I want what she has” I take that as a responsibility and reminder to live my best recovery life.

How about you? Do you wish you had someone else’s life? Or are you making changes, and taking those necessary steps to your own richer and fuller life?

Impurrfect

(((Cats))) - wanting "what they have" is what brought me here. I lurked for a couple of years, relapsed in my addiction (codie reaction) and finally signed on.

I still don't have what I want..a good job, place of my own, but I am doing the work to get there. Will graduate from college in December, putting out applications, and holding onto boundaries here in dysfunction junction as much as possible (yes, I do still slip and slide at times, but not for long).

If it weren't for the F&F forums, me finally realizing "yes, I'm a raging codie" and putting the work into my recovery..that I learned here, I'd be in a pretty bad shape, mentally and I'd probably still be using because that was my way of dealing with things/situations I couldn't control.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

sadness

i hear you i want a stable life great job and a loving relationship without drugs or any substance abuse , i just wanna be happy in my life , sometimes i feel like i have happiness but than something always comes up to make me feel like the happiness is being sucked away in my relationship.

theuncertainty

Thank you, CatsPajamas, for this timely and much needed post. Mother's Day.... birthday party for DS's friend where all the parents hang and chat... dinner with my sister and her husband and family.... Any one of those 3 is enough to throw me into a spin of "I want that...." Throw all 3 into one day and.... *sigh* Yesterday was fun. Yesterday evening, I made myself miserable.

I tried to talk to a friend about it felt that he completely misunderstood me... But your post kind of helps me realize that I misunderstood him.

One step at a time... At least this time I can see that where I am now is vastly preferable to where I was a few short years ago.

MsPINKAcres

I learned the hard way the best way for me to "want" is to want what my HP wants for me . . .for when I look at others, I tend to compare and that gets me in trouble and not in a place of gratitude . . .

You never know what goes on behind those closed doors. . .or inside the heart or mind of someone else. . .

wishing each of you the very best your HP has in store for you ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

changeschoices

I knew it was getting time to end it with my AX when I started looking at people in my neighborhood doing the normal things people do and I felt like crying. Seeing a couple holding hands while walking a dog--that should not make a person cry! AX was too stressed out/consumed with his problems to walk the dog with me. Seeing men doing yardwork while I did it all myself and my AX did nothing. Just realizing how narrow and confined my life had become--all of my happiness from living a regular life was gone.

Windmills

I used to look at everyone else and be envious of what they had. Even if they were just doing normal things, I wanted that. Today I do still feel that way, but about inspirational women who have come out the other side of abusive relationships and are strong and beautiful inside and out, just amazing people. I want that.
My friend said to me a few days ago that she wants what I've got- she thinks I'm coping amazingly well after leaving my ex, she has recently left her partner. I told her that actually I'm not always great but sometimes I'm ok, and she was lucky to catch me on a 'strong' day that day. It's amazing when you see how others perceive you!

lillamy

I could have written this. I heard more than once people referring to us as "the perfect couple"... and I thought "if they only knew..."

I think if there's one thing I've learned during my recovery this far, it is that you always live in the now. And you're always going to be you. Removing an abusive addict from your life removes an abusive addict from your life; it doesn't automatically creat Bliss And Happiness. (Thus, recovery work...)

I think setting goals as conditions for happiness makes us supremely UN-happy: If I only had [insert desired item/circumstance here], I would be happy. I could be happy if I were married to George Clooney/wore a size 0/had a higher-paying job/drove a Ferrari/lived in Beverly Hills...

Or, like I said to a friend of mine who was thinking all his problems would be solved if he moved to Montana: "You know, the only problem with that plan is that... if you move to Montana... you will go with you..." (It's SO easy to see it in others, isn't it???)

I'm still going to have to live with me, so I'd better work to make sure I am someone I enjoy living with. And I think if I can enjoy living with me -- the way I am now, overweight and wrinkled and living paycheck to paycheck and driving an old beater -- then other people may enjoy my company as well.

djayr

I look at a my friends who had wives who are responsible, can pay bills, can hold down a job, read books and have opinions -- and I wish that AW was like that. I am impressed by women who can handle responsibility because AW is so irresponsible.

NYCDoglvr

Terrific post! It's a great illustration of changing ourselves by working the program hard. You're an inspiration.

I'd been sober a number of years when I started my codependent relationship with a dry alcoholic. Even though I knew what was happening thanks to years in AA I still deluded myself (I'm different!), put the focus on him and his problems (very screwed up guy!). I cut back on AA meetings because this guy is my new higher power. When I had to leave it was as hard as giving up alcohol, perhaps harder. My part in the whole mess is that I picked him and stayed.

Tuffgirl

I feel I can say I have lived long enough to recognize the "I want what they have" fantasy when I start to slip into it.

It's been a journey getting to this place, but I am glad I took it because I can look around and be happy for others without feeling envious for a life I feel like I am missing out on. I can also feel gratitude for what I do have. It may not be much by others' standards, but to me, it is my little slice of heaven.

Thanks for the reminder today, Cats!