Newbie Post
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3
Newbie Post
Hello all. I'll share a little of my background, but please forgive me for being vague in parts - I am still hiding this from my friends, family, and co-workers and I intend to continue doing so.
I've been lurking on this forum off and on for a while now. I started doing so some time after I realized I had a problem a year and a half ago...
Maybe I should just start from the beginning?
I'm 30 years old.
I grew up in a relatively stable home. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't the worst either. Growing up, I didn't have an especially hard life. I was intelligent enough that I didn't really have to work at school in order to make decent grades (A/B average my entire K-12 career with practically NO studying - I would literally start studying for tests a day or two prior and still pass). My parents rode my butt constantly trying to get me to try harder because they knew I was capable of a lot more, but I never saw the point.
That was probably the first sign that there was something wrong with my wiring... LOL
I never was a party animal. Other than the occasional sip of beer or watered-down whiskey my dad would let I and my siblings try, I never touched a drop of alcohol until I was 18 and in my first year at college. Even then, I didn't drink regularly.
Then I flunked out. Well, not completely. Let's just say I was "D"efinitely not coming back the following semester.
I came home and enrolled at a local school where I brought my GPA back up and eventually graduated.
(Joking is my defense mechanism, btw. I'm going back and forth between chuckling and tearing up at the moment.)
I began drinking with a co-worker who was older a year or two after coming home. I still wasn't drinking regularly, but when I did I would always binge drink and worship at the porcelain altar later that evening/early morning. Eventually I turned 21, but my drinking did not increase significantly after this milestone mostly due to the fact that I still lived at home thanks to my goofing off at college.
Then I met her. We'll call her "Barbara" for the sake of this discussion, though that isn't even her middle name.
Barbara was "The One" as far as I was concerned. She liked some of the same music I did and introduced me to genres I had not listened to. We almost never fought, which at the time I thought was a good sign. We couldn't bear being apart and spent as much time as possible with each other. We even talked about getting married after she finished school. Life seemed to finally be looking up for me.
At this point, I would say that I was your average alcohol-consumer. I had maybe 2-3 drinks per week and didn't have cravings for booze at all. Her parents, on the other hand, were both practicing alcoholics. As such, she was very anti-alcohol in any form. She would always become upset when I had so much as a single beer and finally, after one of the rare disagreements we had, I promised to never drink a sip of alcohol again. I held true to this promise for the final year she and I dated, not even trying the homemade beer that my brother-in-law had made for his and my sister's wedding the following year because I had given my word and she meant that much to me.
During the aforementioned year, however, she had slowly begun to change. I didn't realize it until just a couple of months ago, but the warning signs had been there for some time. Her interests and mine started to diverge significantly and finally one day, out of the clear blue, she announced she no longer wanted to be married - PERIOD. That didn't match up with my desires, so we broke up. I began drinking again and honestly that's where my problem started, though it wasn't too abnormal at the time (5-6 drinks a week). A hellish month later, she and I decided to talk to each other and try being friends.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
We talked about our relationship and, through the course of the conversation, she implied heavily that it was my fault that we were no longer together. I had already suspected I suffered from mild depression for years (which she knew and manipulated as I later found out), so when she told me this I began counseling/taking medication.
I think I made a lot of progress during those sessions. Eventually the counselor and I agreed that I was doing better and at the time I was. He felt that I no longer needed the medication/sessions as long as I kept my act together and I stopped both. Obviously I didn't keep my act together, otherwise I wouldn't be here now.
I began dating a few girls. None of them connected with me on the level that Barbara had. Feeling that I would never be able to connect with someone on that level again, I began drinking more. I didn't binge like I did in my early 20's, but I began enjoying the dulling of my senses from the time I came home until the time I went to bed more and more. It snuck up on me slowly and by the time I realized it I was convinced I couldn't quit.
Fast-forward to this week. I had a woman at work ask me out. We've only gone out once, but she has impressed me with her background. She became a manager at her first part-time job while in high school and at only 15 years old! She put herself through an engineering college, paying every cent out of her own pocket by working several jobs and accepting no scholarships, loans, or grants.
And she asked *ME* out!
I was flabbergasted, to say the least. I skated through life for the most part and here this woman, five years my junior, had already accomplished so much more undeterred by the bumps in the road that she encountered along the way. Why the hell was I not as well-suited to handle what life threw at me as her?
That's when it hit me: I'm an alcoholic.
I went out drinking this afternoon with my co-workers like I do every Friday. This time, however, I didn't immediately go pick up a 12-pack and down 6 before bed. I went home instead and took a nap. When I woke up, I felt like crap. You know, that Sunday morning coming down after Saturday night's binge drinking? That kind of crap.
I got in my truck, sober, and began driving around town to try to forget about how bad I felt. As I continued driving, I realized that I was feeling this way because of the combination of the booze and the fact that I was so far behind this lovely woman I had the pleasure of going out with not because I was doomed to lead a crappy life but because I had chosen to drink myself into a hole. I was allowing myself to be miserable. I was the cause of these problems and I had to choose whether I wanted it to end or not.
I've chosen. No more.
It's after 2am where I live now. A new day.
Today is the first day I'm sober.
And I'm crying like a baby.
I've been lurking on this forum off and on for a while now. I started doing so some time after I realized I had a problem a year and a half ago...
Maybe I should just start from the beginning?
I'm 30 years old.
I grew up in a relatively stable home. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't the worst either. Growing up, I didn't have an especially hard life. I was intelligent enough that I didn't really have to work at school in order to make decent grades (A/B average my entire K-12 career with practically NO studying - I would literally start studying for tests a day or two prior and still pass). My parents rode my butt constantly trying to get me to try harder because they knew I was capable of a lot more, but I never saw the point.
That was probably the first sign that there was something wrong with my wiring... LOL
I never was a party animal. Other than the occasional sip of beer or watered-down whiskey my dad would let I and my siblings try, I never touched a drop of alcohol until I was 18 and in my first year at college. Even then, I didn't drink regularly.
Then I flunked out. Well, not completely. Let's just say I was "D"efinitely not coming back the following semester.
I came home and enrolled at a local school where I brought my GPA back up and eventually graduated.(Joking is my defense mechanism, btw. I'm going back and forth between chuckling and tearing up at the moment.)
I began drinking with a co-worker who was older a year or two after coming home. I still wasn't drinking regularly, but when I did I would always binge drink and worship at the porcelain altar later that evening/early morning. Eventually I turned 21, but my drinking did not increase significantly after this milestone mostly due to the fact that I still lived at home thanks to my goofing off at college.
Then I met her. We'll call her "Barbara" for the sake of this discussion, though that isn't even her middle name.
Barbara was "The One" as far as I was concerned. She liked some of the same music I did and introduced me to genres I had not listened to. We almost never fought, which at the time I thought was a good sign. We couldn't bear being apart and spent as much time as possible with each other. We even talked about getting married after she finished school. Life seemed to finally be looking up for me.
At this point, I would say that I was your average alcohol-consumer. I had maybe 2-3 drinks per week and didn't have cravings for booze at all. Her parents, on the other hand, were both practicing alcoholics. As such, she was very anti-alcohol in any form. She would always become upset when I had so much as a single beer and finally, after one of the rare disagreements we had, I promised to never drink a sip of alcohol again. I held true to this promise for the final year she and I dated, not even trying the homemade beer that my brother-in-law had made for his and my sister's wedding the following year because I had given my word and she meant that much to me.
During the aforementioned year, however, she had slowly begun to change. I didn't realize it until just a couple of months ago, but the warning signs had been there for some time. Her interests and mine started to diverge significantly and finally one day, out of the clear blue, she announced she no longer wanted to be married - PERIOD. That didn't match up with my desires, so we broke up. I began drinking again and honestly that's where my problem started, though it wasn't too abnormal at the time (5-6 drinks a week). A hellish month later, she and I decided to talk to each other and try being friends.
Worst. Idea. Ever.
We talked about our relationship and, through the course of the conversation, she implied heavily that it was my fault that we were no longer together. I had already suspected I suffered from mild depression for years (which she knew and manipulated as I later found out), so when she told me this I began counseling/taking medication.
I think I made a lot of progress during those sessions. Eventually the counselor and I agreed that I was doing better and at the time I was. He felt that I no longer needed the medication/sessions as long as I kept my act together and I stopped both. Obviously I didn't keep my act together, otherwise I wouldn't be here now.
I began dating a few girls. None of them connected with me on the level that Barbara had. Feeling that I would never be able to connect with someone on that level again, I began drinking more. I didn't binge like I did in my early 20's, but I began enjoying the dulling of my senses from the time I came home until the time I went to bed more and more. It snuck up on me slowly and by the time I realized it I was convinced I couldn't quit.
Fast-forward to this week. I had a woman at work ask me out. We've only gone out once, but she has impressed me with her background. She became a manager at her first part-time job while in high school and at only 15 years old! She put herself through an engineering college, paying every cent out of her own pocket by working several jobs and accepting no scholarships, loans, or grants.
And she asked *ME* out!
I was flabbergasted, to say the least. I skated through life for the most part and here this woman, five years my junior, had already accomplished so much more undeterred by the bumps in the road that she encountered along the way. Why the hell was I not as well-suited to handle what life threw at me as her?
That's when it hit me: I'm an alcoholic.
I went out drinking this afternoon with my co-workers like I do every Friday. This time, however, I didn't immediately go pick up a 12-pack and down 6 before bed. I went home instead and took a nap. When I woke up, I felt like crap. You know, that Sunday morning coming down after Saturday night's binge drinking? That kind of crap.
I got in my truck, sober, and began driving around town to try to forget about how bad I felt. As I continued driving, I realized that I was feeling this way because of the combination of the booze and the fact that I was so far behind this lovely woman I had the pleasure of going out with not because I was doomed to lead a crappy life but because I had chosen to drink myself into a hole. I was allowing myself to be miserable. I was the cause of these problems and I had to choose whether I wanted it to end or not.
I've chosen. No more.
It's after 2am where I live now. A new day.
Today is the first day I'm sober.
And I'm crying like a baby.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Welcome to SR, you will find lots of support here. It's a great place to be.
Thank you for your post, I always find it so interesting to hear how people reach that point where they realise enough is enough.
Good luck in your journey, keep posting and we're all here for you x
Thank you for your post, I always find it so interesting to hear how people reach that point where they realise enough is enough.
Good luck in your journey, keep posting and we're all here for you x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Sapling 
Welcome MrCardholder...So what are your plans?...Do you think you can just put it down and say that's it?..I'm done?
There will be a next time and I will make sure that the right man will be there.
If I go into silent running (no posts) for a bit, my apologies. Admitting this can be understandably embarrassing and while I pretend to not be shy in public I'm quite so...
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I really don't understand the point of the post. If you can quit on your own, fine. Why say so here? If you just wanted to write it out, you could have done that on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer and come back to it later if you needed to. Why have all sorts of people look at it here if you can do it all on your own? You don’t seem to need or want assistance.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by awuh1
I really don't understand the point of the post. If you can quit on your own, fine. Why say so here? If you just wanted to write it out, you could have done that on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer and come back to it later if you needed to. Why have all sorts of people look at it here if you can do it all on your own? You don’t seem to need or want assistance.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
"Tolerance .... promotes an open mindedness which is vastly important, in fact a prerequisite, to the successful termination to any line of search, whether it be scientific or spiritual. (Dr. Bob, July 1944)"
You don't seem to practice what you preach, sir. I thank you for the warm welcome, however, and for encouraging me to find out if this forum has an "Ignore" function and to test it out. Thank you.
EDIT: The forum does have such a function, for those who are curious.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 300
Welcome MrC,
It sounds to me like AVRT would be right up your street. That's what I'm using to quit, and it allows you to 'quit on your own'. Check out the secular connections forum here, it's really enlightening! Good luck.
It sounds to me like AVRT would be right up your street. That's what I'm using to quit, and it allows you to 'quit on your own'. Check out the secular connections forum here, it's really enlightening! Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Glad you posted Mr.Cardholder, I know how difficult it can be to reach out for help, especially for determined people.
The only thing that concerns me is the reason you're quitting....
The only thing your relationship history is telling me is that you are using alcohol as a crutch when things don't go well. And that really you are looking for things external to you to determine your self worth, women, alcohol...
Part of sobriety for me is to make sure I am self sufficient and that I don't blame other people or things for my problems. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I think it's fairly common with alcoholics.
Glad to have you around, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it x
The only thing that concerns me is the reason you're quitting....
The only thing your relationship history is telling me is that you are using alcohol as a crutch when things don't go well. And that really you are looking for things external to you to determine your self worth, women, alcohol...
Part of sobriety for me is to make sure I am self sufficient and that I don't blame other people or things for my problems. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but I think it's fairly common with alcoholics.
Glad to have you around, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it
x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 645
Welcome Mrcardholder. I'm glad you are here. Not sure why a few board members are questioning it. Everyone has different bottoms and you obviously do not want a life with alcohol in it. You've come to the right place. Pete Hamill wrote in his book "A Drinking Life" something along the lines of deciding to quit drinking because as a writer he felt like he was trying to push out all his creative juices and writing skills out of a pin size hole in a tube of toothpaste. Basically, he was saying he was not a total drunkard and that many didn't see him as one at all, but that alcohol was holding him back in areas where he could totally excel and he was choosing the alcohol over following his dreams.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Originally Posted by Soberween
Not sure why a few board members are questioning it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by MrCardholder
I was allowing myself to be miserable. I was the cause of these problems and I had to choose whether I wanted it to end or not.
Keep posting! Welcome to SR
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,958
Originally Posted by MrCardholder
I was allowing myself to be miserable. I was the cause of these problems and I had to choose whether I wanted it to end or not.
Originally Posted by Mark
Ya know, it takes some people a long time to understand that, others never do... it was always "bad luck" or somebody else as the cause of their misery..... I have read something to the same effect, that that statement of yours is one of great hope.
Keep posting! Welcome to SR
Keep posting! Welcome to SR
It is the height of awareness to understand one can choose to break free of alcoholism. Some lack this awareness to the point they do not see their poor choices are connected to their misery.
I think you will do well in your endeavors to live above the influence of alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Vashon WA
Posts: 1,035
What a well told story and a great thread. Understanding that I could break free of alcoholism was the big starting point for me. Then I needed the faith that things would get better, maybe much better. I got that faith here on SR and it really launched me out of the alcohol orbit I was in. That was seven months ago and I now feel more comfortable than ever with the idea that I won't be drinking again.
Regardless of whether you embrace any official program, know that there is certainly wisdom in all of them that can be pasted together into your own recovery. Also, it's really hard to not drink so sometimes people get sore if you give the impression that it's easy. I've stepped in that before!
Congratulations on your excellent choice to get sober.
Regardless of whether you embrace any official program, know that there is certainly wisdom in all of them that can be pasted together into your own recovery. Also, it's really hard to not drink so sometimes people get sore if you give the impression that it's easy. I've stepped in that before!
Congratulations on your excellent choice to get sober.
Came to Believe
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Montgomery AL
Posts: 507
MrCardHolder,
Welcome to SR and congratulations on making the decision to change your life. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I had my own "Barbara" and it took me a while to realize that she wasn't the catalyst for the alcoholic I became...I was. It's just hard-wired into me. It took me even longer to realize that my wiring could be changed and I could be the person I was meant to be. I saw a sign at a church yesterday that sums it up: "Dear God, I have a problem. It's me."
It's awesome that you're realizing that you haven't been leading the life you could be living and that alcohol is holding you back. I wish you the best and I hope you continue to post. I was embarrassed and even ashamed of my alcoholism at first, but in the end, it's made me a much stronger person. And reaching that point has only been possible with the support and understanding of other alcoholics.
--Fenris.
Welcome to SR and congratulations on making the decision to change your life. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I had my own "Barbara" and it took me a while to realize that she wasn't the catalyst for the alcoholic I became...I was. It's just hard-wired into me. It took me even longer to realize that my wiring could be changed and I could be the person I was meant to be. I saw a sign at a church yesterday that sums it up: "Dear God, I have a problem. It's me."
It's awesome that you're realizing that you haven't been leading the life you could be living and that alcohol is holding you back. I wish you the best and I hope you continue to post. I was embarrassed and even ashamed of my alcoholism at first, but in the end, it's made me a much stronger person. And reaching that point has only been possible with the support and understanding of other alcoholics.
--Fenris.
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Originally Posted by awuh1
I really don't understand the point of the post. If you can quit on your own, fine. Why say so here? If you just wanted to write it out, you could have done that on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer and come back to it later if you needed to. Why have all sorts of people look at it here if you can do it all on your own? You don’t seem to need or want assistance.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
Originally Posted by awuh1
I really don't understand the point of the post. If you can quit on your own, fine. Why say so here? If you just wanted to write it out, you could have done that on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer and come back to it later if you needed to. Why have all sorts of people look at it here if you can do it all on your own? You don’t seem to need or want assistance.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
What you have said has completely pi$$ed on this guys fireworks.
I think that you have nothing constuctive to say on this forum... why not write it on a piece of paper instead!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 57
Originally Posted by awuh1
I really don't understand the point of the post. If you can quit on your own, fine. Why say so here? If you just wanted to write it out, you could have done that on a piece of paper and stuck it in a drawer and come back to it later if you needed to. Why have all sorts of people look at it here if you can do it all on your own? You don’t seem to need or want assistance.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
Also, what’s embarrassing? You’re not using your name. I’m sorry but just don’t see the point.
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