inpieces314

Last night, it went down hard and fast.
I came home from work in a bad mood. This loser was in my house all day, not working, and my dad had yelled at me earlier because he had the kids while he was working, and if my ABF is going to sit in my house all day and do nothing, the least he could do is watch my kids while I work. No, because I don't trust him with them, period.

So I got home from work, yelled about that, yelled about work, etc. etc. He was in an okay mood. Then he left to go talk to a friend, the friend got mad at him because he stole $20 out of my purse and my ABF got into a fight about it, and thursday, the friend went and stole his car for the entire day. He also went to the pawn shop, my parents own it, to pay on cds he had on pawn so he could keep them in there. My parents refused to speak to him. Needless to say, he came back in a bad mood.

The neighbor wanted me to drive him to the liquor store (he is also an alcoholic) but asked my ABF first because he has been accusing me of cheating on him with the neighbor. So we went, and I had a couple of beers just to calm down after my horrible day at work. The ABF was out somewhere doing whatever or whoever he does while he is out. So he came back, me, and the neighbor, and the kids were outside, hanging out, and he was still in a pissy mood, said that he got into another fight with the friend about the car and the stolen money. So we went upstairs, because I had to get up early in the morning, and he started accusing me of doing stuff with the neighbor again.

This is where I went off. Completely off the deep end. Looking back now, I see that I probably shouldn't have taken this new anxiety medication and then drank on top of it, and that is probably what caused my insane reaction.

I started beating the living crap out of him. Screaming about how I do everything, and he does nothing, and how the hell are you going to sit here in MY house that I pay for and accuse ME of cheating when YOU are the one who is never here?! I am the one who pays the bills, feeds the kids, does EVERYTHING and you just sit there and tell me what a piece of **** I am. I am so sick of it! Then he started talking about how he was going to call 911 and get me locked up and steal my kids from me and all that other crap he always says. Then, he finally started hitting me back. Really, honestly, I didn't care. I was too far gone.

Then I got a razorblade, I have many of them hidden everywhere in my house, and cut myself. It is horribly deep, and I think I should be getting stitches or something at this point, because it is absolutely disgusting. Then he went off about that, hit me around some more, talked **** about taking my kids more, on and on.

He told me go ahead and kill myself, he doesn't care. He will still get the kids. Yeah, right. I told him I absolutely hate him, he didn't threaten his friend that stole his car with the cops, so what makes me any different? I am tired of supporting him while he just makes me feel like I need to die to get away from him.

This is the third time this week I have tried to kill myself. I am personally starting to get sick of it, and even more depressed that I can't even do THAT right.

And I know my kids would be better off without this crap. I am not stupid, very far from it. I know that I am better off. I know that HE is the one who messed up. He provoked me when I was inebriated, knowing what it was going to do. This is not the first time, although it is the first time it was this bad.

I have bruises EVERYWHERE, I can barely move. My leg has been bleeding all day. I was a total mess at work. People were shocked, it is the first time in the almost 6 years I have worked there that they have seen me cry. I don't know what to do. I want to be rid of him but I am tired of him threatening me with court and taking my kids and everything else, because without them, I would really be dead. It's not like he cares.

So he called me at work. Asked me if I was okay, I said no. Asked me why I keep trying to kill myself. I said I think the new medication is reacting and making me crazy. I need to stop drinking when I get pissed off. Told me he loves me. I said he was lying, I don't want to talk about it anymore, if he loved me he wouldn't be calling me a ***** and saying all this stuff that I am not doing. If I wanted to be with the neighbor last night, I would have been, but I was trying to cuddle up to HIM and he didn't want any of it.

I think I should have let him call the cops. I think I do deserve to go to a psych ward somewhere, I have been there before, and I honestly think I would welcome the break from all the stress. But what am I going to do with the kids? Last time I brought this up to my parents, they laughed. And I can't trust HIM with them.

And like a girl at work said, even though I was all messed up, he wasn't (for once) and even if I was beating the crap out of him, he had a choice to hit me back. It was not him restraining me like he says. I am in so much pain, and I am afraid to take anything because I will probably bleed to death.

I am so lost. I have been through so much in my life, and I cannot believe he turned me into this weak...thing. I am not stupid. I know he loves me, I know he doesn't think anything is going on, but he does this **** to provoke me because he had a bad day with his friend and all that and wants someone else to be in misery too. Not me, buddy. I SUPPORT HIM, NOT the other way around. He knows that, and since he pissed off everyone else he knows, and since he knows he will NEVER see the kids without my permission, he will be back. And it also doesn't help that I have all of his clothes here.

I don't think I am strong enough to keep him out. I plan on moving somewhere away from both him AND the neighbor so I don't have to hear any of this anymore.

He has been accusing me of cheating on him with everyone he knows, since we got together. He says it's because every other girl he has been with cheated on him, and I do understand, because I am in the same situation. I do think he does other things with other girls when he gets mad at me and leaves or I kick him out or whatever. But I don't sit there and call him a *****. And it makes me sick. Literally. It literally makes me want to die. Why, I don't know, because I know the truth, but he knows that is how to get at me, and he uses it every time, which consequently makes me mad and makes me drink and makes me try to kill myself.

I am so ashamed that it got to this point. That I allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship, regardless of who is abusing who here. That my kids are stuck in the middle. That I am not strong enough to just tell him to F off. That I don't want to tell my parents because they are going to blame me. That everyone at work is mad because I didn't call the cops on HIM last night. That I don't think I deserve better. That I let him suck me in and kill me on the inside. That my arms hurt so much I can't even pick the baby up.

I have spent all day asking my HP what I have done to deserve this, what is wrong with me? I know that he is the messed up one here, HIS life is destroyed, but at the VERY least, he could be grateful that I am the ONLY person in his life trying to help him, instead of trying to destroy me, because where does that leave him? I don't know what to do. I am scared he will come back. I don't want to see him. He is going to manipulate me again.

What is wrong with me?

Jeff63

Wow, there's a lot of stuff going on here.

So you have a job and your kids. That's a BIG positive right there.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? A doctor is more qualified than anyone here to answer your questions.

Good luck.

inpieces314

I have a therapist. And she knows what is going on with the addiction and whatnot, and she is helping me do what I need to do. The problem is, she is not there when this stuff happens, and I am going to downplay it, because I don't want to be the one to get in trouble.

dollydo

Perhaps a therapist is not the right venue, your issues seem to run much deeper than the area a therapist is qualified to treat.

Honestly, he is not destroying your life and your childrens...you are...by keeping him in your life and continuing to make bad choices.

I am truly sorry that you are so unstable. Please seek out the help that you need, your children deserve so much better out of life.

Sending support your way.

Pelican

Can you ask your parents to watch the kids while you go to the hospital? Tell them you need to get help for your wound, your bruises and your mental state.

Please take yourself to a DR and get medical treatment.

Reaching out for help is a sign of strength. It shows that we care about ourselves enough to know that we aren't coping in a healthy way and we want to live a better life.

Please take yourself to an Emergency Room and tell them everything and show them your wounds. Get help for yourself.

inpieces314

I KNOW I am unstable I have to look at myself in the freaking mirror every day. Do you really think I like what I see?

You sound like him. He did nothing wrong, it's ALL MY FAULT.

AND I would LIKE to ADD, my children have EVERYTHING they have BECAUSE OF ME, NOT HIM! I FEED them, I PAY for daycare, I take them to school and whatnot, I try VERY hard to make sure that my children do not see my pain.

And of course, no WONDER I think they are better off without me! If this is what people think!

SadHeart

I'm so sorry. I hope you figure out how to stop doing this to yourself and your kids.

Dee74

Hi inpieces

I think pelicans right - go get yourself checked out at the hospital. It's a siogn of strength to accept we need health and I think it will be the best thing for you and your family.

It's not about blame or fault - sometimes we just need some outside help to find our way...sometimes life can be like being in the middle of a vast sea - it's difficult to know which way to go - we need people on the shore to help guide us in, y'know?

Noone deserves to feel how you're feeling - please do get some help.

I wish you well, inpieces

D

Carol Star

Write on the left side of a paper everything people do to you. Write on the right side of the paper how you reacted. Tear the paper down the middle. Throw away the side of what they did to you. Your part is your reactions. In my humble opinion you have some unhealthy people around you and your kids. It sounds like you are coping in unhealthy ways. I have been there and I have done that. Good luck and I hope the therapist is a good one. AA and Alanon saved my life.....and SR.

inpieces314

At the risk of sounding like an alcoholic thinking of excuses to not go to rehab, I will say this.

I can't go anywhere, I have to work in the morning. My job is very difficult, and only me and another woman know how to do it. She was off today, so I had to go in. She has to work tomorrow night, so I have to go in tomorrow morning. I don't want to lose my job, as much as I hate it, because it is the only thing I have to keep me away from this craziness.

As I previously stated, my parents own a pawn shop. They cannot take the kids for a week or whatever it will take for me to get out. The funny thing is, HE would watch them, we have previously discussed this. But I don't trust him or his friends or family, they are all active addicts. I am stuck.

Who will take care of my cats while I am gone?

Katiekate

I'm sorry you did not see dolly's post as supportive. It seemed supportive to me and truthful and compassionate. I honestly felt in your post that you were blaming your behavior on your ABF, aside from what he did, it is obvious that he is not doing his part, but your behavior is yours just as his is his. The other part that struck me is where were the kids when all of this was going on???? Yes, they have everything they want, food, shelter, toys or whatever, and it's comendable that you are providing that for them. But what is it that they need right now???? I know one thing they need is not to be witnesses to a drunk boyfriend and a mother that is cutting herself.

This post is disturbing on many levels, I wonder if you see that. The scene you describe must be horrific for a child to witness. Any of it, and then try to navigate through it the next day. I was you kid, I lived those scenes, they left scars that took many many years of self discovery and counseling and pain to heal, I am still healing.

In my mind, and excuse me if this sounds terse, those kids are probably the main concern right now. If you are strong enough to watch your kids go through what you just descriibed, then you are strong enough to leave .

You need to get some help for yourself in order to help your children. Talk to your counselor about it, maybe there are some resources available for you.

Please take care of yourself.

marie1960

Inpieces,

I have to agree, please seek medical treatment.

While your injuries on the outside are visible, you have no way of knowing about any internal damage.

Your situation has turned quite serious and toxic. Please keep you and your kids out of harms way. Stay safe, my friend.

I truly care about your well being. I understand you are in a dark place right now, please get the help you need. You matter.

inpieces314

The kids were asleep.


I refuse to take responsibility for HIS actions. Yes, I did what I did. I could have just said, well, he beat me up for no reason, but that is not the case. And it is true, he could have left once I hit him, but he CONTINUED to exacerbate the situation. AND THEN HE HIT ME! AND WHY WOULD HE CALL ME AND TELL ME HE LOVES ME WHEN ITS OBVIOUS HE DOESN'T!

I am really about to go drop the kids off to wherever he is. They are driving me insane. And why does he get to go party it up or whatever and leave me with these two screaming kids while I am obviously not in a good mood? No wonder I am so angry all the time, I never get a freaking break!

wicked

They will never be better off without you.
I have no idea what other people think, but I think you are scared, confused and angry, just as I would be in the same situation.
You are working on improving your life for your children.
You realized that you might have made a couple of mistakes tonight. (combining alcohol and antidepressants.)
You came here to tell someone, and I think you did that because you know you need some help right now.
There is no shame here. Here is support and encouragement.
You can get through this, just need a little help right now.
You do deserve a good life, just as your children do.
When I could not do it for myself, I could muster the strength for them.
Please do not let him bring you down, he has no power over you. Only what you give him.

Beth

Please, please come back or go to the doctor and then come back.
We care so much and want you to succeed in your struggle.

Katiekate

I'd be angry too. And you do need a break.

lillamy

Sweetheart, most of us have been there and understand. You're not stupid. You've just lived with alcoholism long enough to become sick yourself.

You deserve a life without this drama. You deserve a life without so much pain that you cut yourself to get relief. And you have everything you need to get it. Except maybe the support that will give you the courage. ((((hugs))))

inpieces314

I do still love him. I do believe that he is going to stop drinking.

It's his codependency on everyone around him that is killing him. I told him the other day, at least when he was drunk, he had an excuse for not knowing what was going on around him, with everyone stealing from him and using him and everything else. When he is sober, he no longer has that excuse.

I told him the way to make them all stop is to detach from them. I mean, an addict is an addict, and you gotta cut them off if you want any relief from them.

I do believe he knows what he is doing and wants to change.

It is unfair for him to blame me for everything going on with everyone else in his life. I talk to none of them. They aren't using me anymore. He doesn't understand that they are destroying his life, and in turn, he is destroying mine.

Yeah, I may be codependent, but it is even sadder when he is sober and still doesn't see what everyone is doing to him. I help him. I feed him, give him a place to stay, LOVE him. And he is trying to throw this away for some losers.

For the record, my brother just told me I was wrong to hit him first, I should have waited for him to hit me. I was drunk. I am also aware that intoxication is not a legal excuse.

I just don't see a way out of this. I still want to be with him, but in all honesty, we both need help. Separately, and together. Earlier in the week, he said we should separate for a while. And I think that is the best decision. Especially in the light of last night. My alcohol abuse is going to lead me down the road to addiction, and I have too much to lose.

wicked

Yes, this sounds like a good decision. Get away from each other for awhile.
I nearly lost it all to addiction and a major depressive disorder.
While you are separated you can concentrate on yourself and what is best for you.

Beth

inpieces314

Thanks everyone. I am just so angry.

I have my boundaries, but I keep breaking them. And like my brother said, on a scale of 1-10 of hitting rock bottom, he is like a 3. I can't let him back into my life until he is a -7. I have to show him that I am serious, because I can't do this anymore.

I have spent all day crying, yelling, screaming, whatever, and I am still relieved that I have yet to see him. Even though I am an emotional wreck, it would be worse with him around. Or worse, we can get over it, but it will happen again. And worse next time. I can't do this. I have to be strong and fight because I do love him and I do want to be with him. It's just not going to work with both of us as sick as we are.

I have been through worse, and made it out a better person. I just need to keep reminding myself of that. I am far from over it, but at least I have a little peace now.

Thank you all, it really means a lot. Even though I got angry and yelled at some of you.

inpieces314

So. I guess it's back to step 1 for me. Obviously, my life has become unmanageable.